Tiny Buddha

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  • 3 Things That Cause Unhealthy Food Cravings and How to Stop Them

    3 Things That Cause Unhealthy Food Cravings and How to Stop Them

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    “Reminder: food is fuel, not therapy.” ~Unknown

    I learned about food cravings at a young age.

    My parents divorced when I was six years old. My older brother and I ended up living in another city with our grandmother. We used to spend long hours alone, and we learned soon enough how food could help us lift our mood and suppress our real feelings.

    That was when I started having unstoppable food cravings.

    Eating would make me feel good and bring me peace and calm. Trying to avoid my favorite foods would make me nervous and unsettled, and would bring my real feelings back.

    I was overweight until my teenage years, and I hated it every single day. Over the years, I became afraid that giving into cravings was making me lose control over my relationship with food, my weight, and my body.

    In high school, I learned all I could about calories and how eating better could help me lose weight. I put this knowledge into practice and finally dropped some pounds.

    And I promised myself that I would never, ever be overweight again.

    I decided to learn as much as possible about nutrition so I could find my own my way to manage my weight. That’s why I became a nutrition specialist.

    Learning to control my cravings naturally has helped me overcome my fears of gaining weight again. But paying attention only to the numbers on the scale is not enough, and only when you are in control of your weight you can say you made it.

    In this article, I’d like to share the knowledge I’ve gained over the years and show you how you can stop food cravings naturally.

    It’s Essential to Understand the “Whys”

    Have you ever felt an unstoppable food craving that was stronger than you?

    You knew you shouldn’t go for it, but you couldn’t resist.

    This lack of control is very annoying, isn’t it?

    As with many other things in life, weight management related issues are much better approached when you understand what’s going on in your body, why, and the actions you need to take.

    In this post, I will explain the causes of those uncontrollable food cravings and the biological processes behind them, and I will give you easy to apply recommendations on how you can stop food cravings naturally.

    Just imagine how it feels to be in control of your food cravings and what it would mean for your weight!

    But before we dive in, a disclaimer:

    This is not a scientific paper on food cravings that aims to cover every single aspect of the topic, but an effort to explain the main reasons for food cravings and how to practically deal with them, in understandable terms without going too deep into science.

    The goal of this post is to give you enough information to understand the “whys” behind the food cravings and enough practical means for you to be able to stop food cravings naturally.

    What Triggers Food Cravings?

    Although food cravings can be caused by hormone imbalance or nutritional deficiencies, I would like to declare those food cravings off topic here.

    The way to deal with such food cravings is pretty straightforward: Either accept them and let them pass (pregnancy or PMS cravings, for example), or see a doctor if you suspect a nutrition deficiency.

    Instead, I’d like to focus this post on the unhealthy food cravings that you deal with every day.

    If you’re craving celery sticks, go for it! But if it’s donuts, chocolate, cheeseburgers, and similar foods that you can’t keep your hands away from, it’s dangerous for your health in the long run and you have to stop them.

    So what triggers these unhealthy food cravings that make you feel so powerless?

    Three things:

    • Your emotions
    • High-processed food as a product of food engineering
    • Sugar imbalance in your body

    Many authors cover the emotional part of food cravings, not considering food engineering and biology, but I’m sure you’ve noticed that you can crave food even without emotions involved.

    In this post, I’d like to fill this gap and put the spotlight on food engineering and sugar imbalance as triggers of food cravings.

    Let’s look at each trigger in detail.

    Trigger 1: Your emotions

    You see an apple pie and instantly think about a pie your mom used to make. Your mom lives far away, but that pie is right there.

    You feel lonely, but there is no one around. There is, however, chocolate ice cream in the fridge.

    Your boss is being unrealistic, and there’s nothing you can do about it. So you jump into a bag of chips, as you do every time you feel stressed.

    Many feelings are hard to deal with, and food is an easy way to help you handle them… and there is a physiological explanation for it.

    There are areas in your brain responsible for memory and sensing pleasure, which also act as reward centers.

    Specific foods can send signals that reach those brain centers and “make you feel good,” which will of course help you deal with those emotional needs, like calming you down and reducing your desire and anxiety, at that particular moment.

    The way it works is that the brain recognizes those feelings and knows that certain food can help alleviate them, so the body produces appropriate hormones (for example, cortisol) and other biochemical substances, like the neurotransmitter serotonin to make you crave for the “right” food.

    You can read more about biochemistry of food and food cravings here.

    Trigger #2: High-processed food as a product of food engineering.

    Have you noticed how you go for groceries to pick up “just bread and milk,” but once you’re in the store, you suddenly start craving all this food from the colorful packages aligned so nicely on the shelves?

    This would be fine if all this high-processed food was healthy for you.

    Except it’s not. It is delicious, though, and this is exactly the problem.

    The food manufacturing industry makes a conscientious effort to get people hooked on foods that are inexpensive, but yet tasty.

    They hire food engineers and gather tons of data taking an engineering approach to processed food.

    Although food engineering has been there for many years, the power it has over the consumers has not really been acknowledged until the most recent research and work of Michael Moss, the author of the best article on this topic you’ll ever read: The Extraordinary Science of Addictive Junk Food.

    Food engineering is manipulating your taste buds.

    Food engineers work hard on the food’s taste, which is measured by how much craving this particular food will induce.

    With that idea in mind, manufacturers have been adding sugar to many products that didn’t really need it, like tomato sauce, bread, and crackers.

    They look for the exact amount of sugar that will make the product highly attractive and desirable without making you feel overwhelmed by the intense flavor (they call it “the bliss point”).

    Not only will you crave that product again, but you’ll expect it to taste sweet. As a consequence, your taste preferences will change to prefer food that contains more sugar, and you won’t be satisfied with something that has less sugar.

    Food engineering is also turning you into an addict.

    You may be thinking I’m exaggerating, but numerous studies (like this one and this one, for example) indicate that sugar has similar effect on our brain as the drugs of abuse.

    This is why it is so hard to get off sugar and carbs once you are hooked.

    Trigger #3: Sugar imbalance in your body

    You can experience food cravings even if you don’t get emotional or eat high-processed food.

    In this case, your food cravings will be triggered by sugar imbalance in your body that happened because you’ve been eating your sugar and carbs “the wrong way.” (I’ll explain what I mean by this in a minute.)

    Let’s first look at how your body processes sugar and carbs.

    How Your Body Processes Sugar and Carbs

    The first organ that your biology needs to take care of is your brain. If your brain doesn’t work properly, nothing else will.

    The only source of energy that your brain can use is glucose. When your brain can’t find glucose available immediately, it will find a way to get it.

    The fastest, easiest, and most effective way your body can get glucose is by releasing the right hormones to make you crave food that contains a lot of it: simple sugars and carbs that break easily into glucose.

    But high sugar levels in your bloodstream are toxic, so your body needs to lower those levels. For this, it makes the pancreas release insulin to remove glucose.

    This process is called sugar metabolism.

    The higher the glucose levels, the more insulin is released and the faster all the glucose will be processed, leaving no glucose in the system again, which will start the cycle from the beginning.

    What Causes Sugar Imbalance

    As you can see, your sugar metabolism needs equilibrium for you not to get trapped in the vicious cycle of food cravings.

    This equilibrium, however, gets disturbed if you, in simple terms, eat your sugar and carbs “the wrong way.”

    In this case, eating sugar and carbs “the right way” means making sure the quantity, frequency, combination, and quality of your meals are appropriate.

    Quantity: How much sugar and carbs are in your meals?

    When you consume large quantities of simple sugars (glucose) or carbs (more or less complex forms of sugars that are transformed into simple sugars) in the same meal, your sugar metabolism will be activated in the emergency mode, removing all glucose suddenly.

    As a result, no glucose will be left in your bloodstream, and your brain will activate the mechanism to release the hormones that will make you feel hungry and eat more so it gets glucose again.

    Say hi to another food craving!

    Frequency: How often are you consuming sugar and carbs?

    When you are constantly eating food rich on sugars or carbs, not letting enough time pass between meals to let your sugar metabolism rest, it will end up constantly working, creating a circle of constant eating and hunger.

    When you wait enough time between meals (three to four hours), assuming you had a balanced meal, the sugar metabolism gets to rest and does its work properly.

    Combination: What are you mixing your sugar or carbs with?

    When you eat sugars or carbs alone, with no fiber, protein, or fat, the absorption of glucose will be faster.

    You’ll feel hungry sooner, and as a consequence your brain will trigger a food craving.

    Quality: How “good” are the sugars and carbs you’re eating?

    Simple carbs (like white rice, pasta, and bread, for example) and sugars break down into glucose faster, causing it to be absorbed faster as well.

    When you eat complex carbs (like brown rice, whole grain pasta, and whole grain bread, for example), however, glucose is released gradually.

    It means that in case of simple carbs, your blood sugar level will rise faster than if you eat complex carbs.

    To understand how fast a specific food will break into glucose and how much carbs it contains, you should look at its glycemic index (GI) and glycemic load (GL) values.

    Eating high GI & GL carbs will generate a fast rise in sugar and therefore a faster metabolic response, which will give you another food craving.

    How to Stop Food Cravings Naturally

    In the beginning of this post I promised you that I’d show you how to stop food cravings naturally by fighting the cause and not the symptoms.

    Now, when you know what triggers food cravings and what keeps them reoccurring (i.e. you understand the cause), it becomes clear that to beat those food cravings, you need to fight the triggers—deal with your emotions and resist the temptation of food manufacturing industry on one side, and keep the equilibrium of your sugar metabolism on the other side.

    Let’s look at it step-by-step and identify the practical solutions for each trigger.

    Cravings Caused by Emotions: Recognize That Food Doesn’t Change Anything

    If you think about it, that pie, ice cream, chips, or anything else you’re craving won’t change the way you feel about things in the long run.

    The food that you crave is the specific one that will make you feel better immediately. But the moment you finish your food, those “feel better” compounds will disappear again and you’ll be exactly where you were before, and you’ll probably even having the same cravings again.

    You need to realize that satisfying those food cravings helps only for a short period of time, and that this vicious cycle needs to be broken.

    Recognizing that food, even the most delicious one, does not change anything is the first step.

    Think about what brings up those emotions in you. Learn about yourself so you can predict them. Do your job and fight against them instead of just reaching for a piece of cake.

    Don’t give up by thinking there is nothing you can do.

    There are many hormones that you can’t really control, like your hormones during pregnancy. But many others are released as a consequence of your emotions. Once you acknowledge that you can do something about it, you’ll be able to handle them much better.

    Here are some practical tips on how to stop food cravings that are triggered by emotions:

    • Find other ways to reduce stress. For example, get a relaxing massage instead of hating your boyfriend, boss, and waistline, instead of eating ice cream.
    • Look for ways to manage your emotions (talk to a friend, get a pet, go for a walk or to the movie theater).
    • Eat healthy. It will help you maintain your hormones under control.
    • Call your mom or visit her if you miss her instead of eating her pie.

    Cravings Caused by Food Engineering: Don’t Let Them Trick You

    The food industry has many tricks to manipulate you into eating food that you’ll end up crave more and more.

    Food manufacturing companies are powerful, they hire the best food experts in the field, and they are always one step ahead predicting new trends and developing new ways to hook you on their food.

    But you need to be smarter! Learn their game. Don’t let them decide what and how you eat.

    Be the one in charge of what food you like by changing your buds’ taste and start craving for healthy food instead.

    Here’s how to stop food cravings caused by engineered food:

    • Most probably food engineering has got to your food buds already, so now you need to change your taste preferences back to healthy food. Do it slowly, one change at a time. Otherwise it will be harder to succeed.
    • Cook your own meals, which is the best way to know for sure what your meal consists of exactly. You’ll be able to avoid most of the added sugar and many other undesirable ingredients you will usually find in highly processed food.
    • Find out where the sugar, fat, and salt bombs you are more susceptible to are hiding so you can avoid them. Here are a couple of popular examples: potato chips, crackers, Japanese snacks, sesame sticks, etc.
    • Recognize that the attractive packages can make you desire unhealthy food.
    • Understand that the commercials are there just to trick you into thinking that eating certain foods will improve how you feel about yourself.
    • Visualize:
      • How food engineers are designing new food to hook you on it.
      • How food marketers play with you by making the food they want you to eat look irresistible.
      • How processed food is hurting your liver and adding fat to your abdomen.

    Cravings Caused by Sugar Imbalance: Eat Your Sugar and Carbs “the Right Way”

    Keeping your blood sugar levels under control and preventing sugar imbalance in your body is an essential way to stop food cravings naturally.

    To do so, you need to:

    • Eat only as much as your body really needs (quantity)
    • Let enough time pass between your meals (frequency)
    • Combine your meals properly (combination)
    • Stick to foods with low glycemic index and glycemic load (quality)

    This is how you can practically achieve it.

    Quantity: What are healthy portion sizes for carbs?

    You should learn and stick to healthy portion sizes of any food, not only carbs, of course. But it is especially important for foods that contain a lot of sugar (remember, carbs are a complex form of sugar).

    You shouldn’t eat more than a healthy portion size for carbs, which is one cup.

    Frequency: How often should you eat?

    Don’t eat too often so you are not making your sugar and carbs metabolism work all the time.

    You should eat four times a day: breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and a morning or an afternoon snack, depending on when you need it. Ideally, these meals should be three to four hours apart.

    For example, if you have an early breakfast and a late lunch, you need a morning snack. Otherwise you’ll be too hungry at lunch and definitely overeat.

    Combination: How to combine your meals properly?

    Fiber, protein, and fat make sugar absorption slower and less efficient, therefore reducing the risk of food cravings.

    In fact, the right combination of meals will make them healthy yet filling, which will help you with two previous aspects: quantity (you will be able to stick to healthy portion sizes) and frequency (you will stay satiated longer).

    Have every single meal with the healthy portion size of protein and fat, and avoid having meals that consist only of sweets or carbs.

    Quantity: How to choose what to eat?

    Stick to foods with low glycemic load and glycemic index.

    Such foods will release glucose slower and help you manage your sugar levels properly so you don’t have food cravings.

    To summarize, this is how you prevent food cravings triggered by sugar imbalance in your body:

    • Maintain your healthy portion sizes for carbs, which is one cup.
    • Have four meals a day making a break of three to four hours between them.
    • Compose your meals properly and always have fat and protein with your carbs.
    • Choose foods with low glycemic load and glycemic index values.

    Over to you!

    Do you believe me when I say you can stop food craving naturally? Do you think it’s doable? What are your personal challenges when it comes to controlling your food cravings? I would love to hear from you!

  • 6 Lessons to Remember When Someone Judges or Criticizes You

    6 Lessons to Remember When Someone Judges or Criticizes You

    “Every judgment, all of them, point back to a judgment we hold against ourselves.” ~Lynne Forrest

    I sat across from my good friend Anna over a cup of coffee. We had been having issues in our friendship and had finally gotten together to discuss them. I’m not a fan of conflict and call myself a “recovering people pleaser,” so I was very nervous.

    I noticed immediately that the conversation didn’t seem to be going very well. I addressed my issues concerning our friendship and tried hard to own my part. But Anna kept saying things like, “There are things that you do that really bother me as well, but I don’t say anything about saying them.”

    After hearing a variation of this phrase for a third time, I asked what she was talking about. She had never addressed any of these issues with me.

    She took a deep breath and said, “Angela, I don’t think your relationship with your higher power is very strong. Also, you know those Facebook posts you write about peace and mindfulness? I don’t see that reflected in your personality. One more thing: Your relationship with your mother seems poor, and I think that’s why you are emotionally needy.”

    I stared at her in absolute shock. I felt like I was punched in the face. The worst part is this girl was a very genuine person, so the fact that she saw these qualities in me broke my heart.

    My spirituality and my sense of peace are things I have been cultivating intensely since I was sixteen. Here I was sitting across from this girl, who’s supposedly my best friend, and she doesn’t even see these positive qualities in me. I was devastated.

    I walked out of that get-together saying I needed some time to be alone and process. I was deeply hurt.

    Before we met, I had envisioned us having a positive conversation, fixing our relationship, and spending the rest of the coffee date laughing. Instead, I left feeling like someone had ripped out my heart and like I was going to throw up.

    It’s been quite a process wrestling with this event, and I’ve had the opportunity to learn (and relearn) some amazing lessons.

    1. Someone’s criticisms and judgments aren’t the problem. Believing them is the problem.

    I’ve been criticized before, but these judgments particularly crushed me. I couldn’t stop crying. I felt exposed.

    I realized the reason I was having such a hard time with what she had said was because there’s a part of me that believes her judgments about me. For example, if she had told me I was mean, I would have shrugged it off, because I do not believe that about myself.

    On the other hand, I do have insecurities concerning my spirituality and sense of peace in the world. While I try to cultivate both of these aspects in my personal life, I’m not perfect. I struggle just like everyone else.

    Once I realized I was upset because I believed her accusations to be true, I could stop blaming her. I was in pain because I was torturing myself with these beliefs and blindly believing them.

    2. When someone shows us how we’re out of alignment with ourselves, we have an opportunity to change our beliefs.

    I’ve seen again and again that the world is a mirror. When we think a thought and believe it, the world will give us an example to prove that thought to be true. Anna showed me the part of me that believed these insecurities. She gave me the beautiful gift of questioning if I wanted to hold onto these beliefs. Remember, we do not have to believe our thoughts.

    I heard an example about thoughts once that has stuck with me. Thoughts are like cars zooming on a highway. The highway represents the mind. We get to decide which car we want to jump into. Do we want to jump into the car and believe the negative thought? Or do we want to take the positive route? (Highway pun intended.)

    So, I get to decide. Do I really want to hold onto the belief that I don’t have a strong spiritual relationship? That seems like a painful story to believe about me. Instead, I am choosing to reframe the belief. Instead of believing that my spiritual relationship is weak, I choose to believe that it’s a work in progress. It’s beautiful because it’s not perfect, but even still, I spend time cultivating it every day.

    3. It’s not our business how other people see us; it’s our business how we see ourselves.

    A lot of the time when we are feeling in emotional pain, we are not in our business. It’s not my business what other people think of me. My thoughts and assumptions of me are my responsibility, and that’s enough to keep me busy.

    Once I get clear on what’s actually my business, it’s amazing how many of my troubles simply vanish. It also gives me the opportunity and the time to change my thinking and take care of myself.

     4. Look for the truth in the criticism and leave behind the rest.

    Take this piece of advice with a grain of salt. If you can find what’s true about the negative things people tell you, it can be a great tool to strengthen your character. But it’s not an excuse for self-abuse.

    For example, some of the things Anna said, I don’t find to be true for me. But I do sense that sometimes I can be emotionally needy with my friends. This doesn’t mean I beat myself up about this character quality. I can reevaluate how I am sharing my emotions and with whom I’m sharing them, and see if I am becoming co-dependent with certain people in my life.

    I believe the depth of my emotions makes me beautiful, and sharing it with others has positively deepened many of my relationships. But it’s a good reminder for me to evaluate if I was sharing my emotions in a healthy way or if I was dumping them onto my friends to make me feel better.

    5. Find gratitude in every situation.

    I believe it’s important to find the gift in every event so we can grow. If we look deep enough, we can find the seed of gratitude in any situation. I realized after sitting with this experience for a week how thankful I was for my friend, for giving me the opportunity to see the painful beliefs I held about myself. Now I had the opportunity to clear them. What a blessing!

    I also realized how thankful I am to have a friend who will be honest with me and tell me what she believes to be true. This does not mean that I have to take her judgments on as my own, but her reflections of me are pertinent in my journey to releasing these painful beliefs.

    6. Always try your hardest to forgive people and yourself.

    Forgiveness is one of the most difficult but powerful processes. I believe forgiveness is twofold. Not only did I need to forgive her, I needed to forgive myself. While I realized it was a blessing that she said these things, letting go of my anger for “exposing me” was hard. I knew intellectually I needed to forgive her, but actually doing it was a different story.

    Once I realized I needed to forgive myself first, letting go of my anger became easier. I had to forgive myself for blindly believing these judgments about myself and not questioning if they were true. I had been holding myself hostage; she had just shown me that I was the one keeping myself behind bars.

    —

    Our relationship is not back to the way it was before we started having issues. While I hold a deep sense of respect and love for Anna, I realized at this point in my life that I didn’t want to be best friends with someone who saw me that way.

    This doesn’t mean I don’t love and respect her. I have a deep sense of gratitude for what she has shown me about myself, and I have hope that our relationship will be even greater one day, because it will be more honest.

    I still have to questions these judgments about myself, because after carrying them for so long, they don’t magically go away.

    Once I become secure about these qualities and come into a more loving relationship with myself, I will think about rekindling the friendship, but maybe not. Only time can tell. Till then, I will keep on forgiving myself, questioning these beliefs, and reframing them to come into a more loving relationship with myself.

    What has helped you respond well to criticism and judgment?

  • 9 Mindful Social Media Practices That Will Make You a Happier Person

    9 Mindful Social Media Practices That Will Make You a Happier Person

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    “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” ~Steve Furtick

    Social media is not a full (or even sometimes real) portrayal of someone’s life. If you forget this, you fall into the trap of comparing your life to what someone else chooses to share.

    This is dangerous.

    Comparing can lead to feelings of inadequacy, envy, and even hatred toward others. These kinds of feelings, if left un-dealt with, can lead to stress, anxiety, and depression. Or, if you are a person who already struggles with anxiety or depression, having these kinds of negative thoughts all the time could make it even worse.

    I used to struggle with low self-esteem and negative thoughts. I didn’t deal with this and ended up having severe anxiety and depression. My life was turned upside down. I had panic attacks daily and felt overwhelmed almost every single day.

    I let it get unbearably bad before I did anything about it. When I did decide to make a change, I did a number of different things in order to take control back of my life. One of those things included committing to a consistent mindfulness and meditation practice.

    My health and life literally depended on me learning how to be more positive and mindful, and social media wasn’t helping.

    As I started to become more and more aware, I realized that there was a lot of negativity consuming me from being online all the time. All those images of perfect bodies, perfect friendships, and perfect relationships were leading me to assume that my life wasn’t perfect.

    I was always thinking in terms of lack, what I didn’t have, and what everyone else seemed to have. 

    Thinking like this all the time made me sick, in the literal sense.

    My life and feelings dramatically improved when I began to apply the teachings of mindfulness to every aspect of my life, including the way I operate on social media.

    The things I am about to share with you will help you to integrate mindfulness more deeply into your daily life. They will turn your daily social media experience from a negative to a more positive one.

    The first thing you need to know is that when the mind is left unattended, it doesn’t do a great job of taking care of itself. If you are not consciously making an effort to choose positive thoughts about others and yourself, you may, by default, end up thinking negatively.

    So, if you are scrolling through Facebook or Instagram and you do not have awareness of your thoughts, it’s likely that your mind will come to negative conclusions and assumptions about others, and also yourself, such as:

    “She is so much prettier than me.”

    “Wow, she has a good body. I need to look like her.”

    “He has everything going for him. My life is so boring.”

    “Why would he post that?”

    “What an attention seeker.”

    Sound familiar?

    The second thing you need to know is that what you think and say affects how you feel. Positive thoughts lead to positive feelings and negative thoughts lead to negative feelings.

    Now that you know these things, we’re ready to dive in. Here are my top nine ways you can be mindful on social media and consequently, become a happier person.

    Before You Begin

    1. Set an intention.

    Before you get on social media, stop, take a breath, and remind yourself that your goal is to have a positive experience.

    2. Remind yourself to stay present.

    The only way to truly be happy is to be present, and the more you can apply this to your life, the less negativity you will feel. Notice your hands touching the screen, feel your body sitting on the couch or chair, and focus on your breathing as often as possible to avoid getting lost in your thoughts.

    3. Take the time to clean up your feed.

    Unfollow people that regularly complain or post negative content, and consciously choose to follow more positive people and pages. This will make a world of difference if you end up scrolling through unconsciously, because you will unconsciously be taking in uplifting information.

    I used to wish that I looked like anyone but myself. I used to look at other girls with deep envy, wishing I had their perfect skin and bodies. Because my mind could not control itself, I choose to unfollow all fitness inspiration people in my feed and filled it with positive words and inspirational content instead. You get to choose who you follow. Make sure you choose well.

    When Posting

    4. Let go of your attachment to the outcome; don’t expect a certain number of likes.

    Unconsciously, you might think that likes = validation and that the more likes you get the more liked you are as a person, or that if you don’t get likes that you’re not liked as a person.

    The amount of likes you get has nothing to do with who you are, how attractive you are, or how many friends you have. Remember, some people actually pay for likes! They mean nothing.

    Notice if you have this belief about likes. Do you feel differently about a situation when you get fewer likes? Do you compare the amount you get to the amount someone else gets?

    These are all things we need to start to become aware of. You will feel happier when you have confidence and believe in what you’re posting, and when you don’t feel the need for it to be liked. Just simply reminding yourself that you don’t need this image or post to be liked, before posting, can be really powerful.

    5. Post positive content or things that are helpful. Avoid complaining.

    This is in relation to posting and also commenting. Ask yourself, Is what I’m posting positive? Is it helpful? Try not to complain or engage in arguments or negative conversations. This will drain your energy.

    Make it a habit to compliment one or two people or express your gratitude to one or two people each time you go online. Without sounding so cliché, I would like to strongly recommend that you take the time to spread love and good vibes when you are online, not just because it is good for others but because it’s good for your health!

    I’m not suggesting that we should pretend that bad things don’t happen, or that we should hide or suppress our feelings. We should, however, ensure that we do our best to see things in a positive light to avoid spiraling further down a path of negativity.

    6. Challenge your initial reaction to criticism.

    If you receive a negative comment, take some time to reflect upon whether or not there’s truth in it. It’s not easy, but try to detach from your ego and be honest with yourself.

    If it’s true, express your gratitude to that person for bringing it to your attention. If it’s not true, forgive and delete or forgive and don’t engage. I heard this tip from Gabby Bernstein, and it has completely changed my experience on social media. It just makes life so much easier!

    When Scrolling

    7. Practice non-judgment.

    We all know we need to do this, but do we actually do it? It can be helpful to remind yourself of the consequences of judging. When you think negatively about others, this makes you feel bad, not the other person.

    Remember that negative thoughts lead to negative feelings. If you want to feel good, you have to start thinking good thoughts about others on a regular basis. If you catch yourself judging someone else, make an effort to find three good or positive things about that person.

    8. Realize that envy is a call for inspiration.

    Instead of seeing others with envy, look at them as a person to be inspired by. If someone has achieved what you want to achieve, then that means it’s possible for you to achieve that in your life too!

    9. Be curious about the stories your mind makes up.

    You can do this as an experiment: Scroll through your feed for five to ten minutes, with your full attention, and notice all the stories your mind makes up.

    When something comes up, ask yourself if it’s helpful for you to believe that story. Is it helpful for you to think you’re not good enough? Is it helpful for you to judge that other person’s choices or life?

    The mind thinks things that we wouldn’t want others to know. We have to acknowledge that this content is there and be non-attached to it at the same time.

    It’s important to be curious about the mind instead of judging it or getting frustrated by it. This is one of the most important things to know if you want to be a more mindful person.

    Your frustration on top of your judgment only makes things worse. It’s only by learning to accept yourself and others that you can bring a sense of peace and happiness to your life.

    By integrating mindfulness into your social media experience, you can decrease anxiety and stress, eliminate negativity, and live a happier and more fulfilling life.

  • 30 Trillion Reasons to Be Grateful: An Ode to the Awesome Human Body

    30 Trillion Reasons to Be Grateful: An Ode to the Awesome Human Body

    neon-body

    “What spirit is so empty and blind, that it cannot recognize the fact that the foot is more noble than the shoe, and skin more beautiful than the garment with which it is clothed?” ~Michelangelo

    “Stop hunching! Stand up straight!” This is what I heard as a young child.

    A running commentary on my appearance continued throughout my childhood. It was well intended, but not entirely helpful.

    I grew self-conscious. If you’ve ever decided you’re too tall or too short or too fat or too thin, or that some parts of your body look unsatisfactory, you’ll understand.

    Then I went to medical school. For a couple of years we studied the normal structure and functions of the body.

    Over the next few years we studied tens of clinical subjects, peered down microscopes, learned about drugs and surgery, and examined thousands of patients. We were learning to diagnose and treat.

    Studying the human body was a revelation. The more detailed our study grew, the more awesome the body seemed.

    Most people take their bodies for granted. Only when a leg is broken or amputated, for example, do we start appreciating how amazing a normal leg is.

    We often use the word “awesome” for food or music or other delightful stuff. However, your body truly puts the awe into “awesome.”

    Think of a dazzling galaxy in space, or the most sophisticated machine you can imagine. Your body is even more awe-inspiring than either of those. And it constantly self-heals!

    I think the human body deserves a love letter. I’m grateful for all these parts of me, and more:

    1. Brain

    It allowed me, as a little baby, to take a tangled jumble of strange syllables and assemble them into a language. It keeps my body going whether I’m asleep or awake. It will allow me to recall a childhood friend’s face vividly, even when I’m old and beautifully wrinkled.

    Miraculously, it enables mere atoms and molecules to form opinions, have subjective experiences, make choices, fall in love, and forgive. I’ve fallen in love with many inanimate objects, from pianos to favorite chairs to gadgets to majestic mountains, but they’re unable to fall in love.

    My brain helps me to separate fact from fiction, to solve problems, to enthuse, to grieve, to empathize, to create fanciful things such as new musical compositions, and to keep learning throughout my life.

    Even when I’m asleep, it’s busy filing away memories, giving me vivid dreams, solving problems, and restoring me for the next day. It constantly heals and reforms itself, responding to my choices and habits.

    It allows me to keep defining myself in new ways, coping with setbacks, escaping from the prison of past mistakes, focusing on the present, finding meaning and purpose, and greeting the future with hope and optimism.

    I thank my brain by looking after my heart and blood vessels, which supply it with blood. I use a seatbelt when driving and a helmet when riding a bike to avoid damaging my brain. I also try to focus calmly on doing the next small step that is important and good in my life instead of anxiously trying to control whatever is unpredictable.

    2. Heart

    It started beating when I was less than six weeks in my mother’s womb. It will keep beating, lub-dup, lub-dup, lub-dup, for as long as it can. I fall asleep, wake up, feel happy, feel sad, succeed at some things, fail at other things, sometimes agree with people and sometimes disagree.

    Through everything, my heart keeps pumping life-giving blood to my toes, brain, fingertips, and every part of my body. It responds to every situation, from the extreme stress of battle or danger, to the calm glow of relaxed affection, or the complete rest of deep sleep.

    I can mistreat it easily, by eating or drinking sugary stuff or processed snacks, and neglecting my need for dietary fiber or physical activity. It still keeps working tirelessly. It will keep going until it’s forced to stop.

    Not even the most faithful dog can match my heart for devoted service. If I could see it, and it could hear me, I’d fall to my knees and thank my heart, probably with tears of gratitude streaming down my face.

    Meanwhile, I thank my heart by making time for nourishing meals, and by being physically active.

    3. Lungs and diaphragm

    They work non-stop to expel waste air and refuel my body with oxygen.

    Even if I mistreated them, by inhaling polluted air, or smoking stuff, or accumulating way too much body fat, they would keep doing their best. Only if I persistently sabotaged them with unhelpful habits would they start struggling.

    I thank them by consciously breathing deeply, several times a day, and by walking or cycling in nature, where the air is rich in negative ions.

    4. Cranial nerves

    These are the nerves that connect my eyes, ears, face, mouth, digestive system, voice, and internal organs to my brain. They allow me to hear, read, and sing Handel’s “Messiah,” to smell and taste delicious cuisine, to smile, to tell my loved ones how precious they are to me, to speak words of comfort and healing, to keep all my internal organs working day and night, and to use my breathing to calm myself when I’m upset.

    Without them, I would face significant challenges.

    I thank my cranial nerves by not subjecting them to overly loud sounds, by not looking directly at the sun, and by looking after my general health.

    5. Immune system

    This is my sophisticated defense system that recognizes and remembers every micro-enemy. It protects me against infections, cancers, foreign objects, toxins, and more.

    There was once no effective treatment for the human immune-deficiency virus (HIV). In those days, people infected by HIV would die.

    Without my immune system, microbes would invade me as easily as they invade a corpse, and cancers would flourish. I’m grateful for my immune system, despite the small risk of it getting confused and attacking me.

    I thank my immune system by staying calm, optimistic, and motivated despite the setbacks of life. When I focus fully on doing the next little step that is important and good in my life, I can more easily stay calm, optimistic and motivated.

    6. Liver

    This is the world’s most sophisticated “detox” machine and factory. It works quietly, removing harmful molecules or transforming them into harmless ones, and making molecules that are crucial for my survival.

    If I drink too much alcohol or take toxic drugs, my liver dies a bit. It keeps doing its best despite abuse, and even regenerates itself partly.

    I thank it by limiting my alcohol intake to no more than a small glass of red wine in a day, and avoiding drugs that my doctor considers unnecessary.

    7. Kidneys

    These are my body’s balancing stations. They extract unhelpful or excess molecules from my blood and expel them in my urine. However, they retain useful molecules in my blood.

    Without my kidneys, I would die. My blood pressure, blood acidity, salt levels, protein levels, and waste levels would be out of control. To survive, I would need a dialysis machine or a replacement kidney from a donor.

    I thank my kidneys by trying to prevent diabetes. I do this by eating nourishing meals instead of grazing on sugary and processed snacks, and by exercising regularly.

    I also make sure that any urinary infections are promptly treated, before the problem ascends to my kidneys.

    8. Muscles

    They enable me to breathe, move, keep a good posture, speak, sing, and achieve many things that I take for granted.

    If they grew too weak, I might start falling over and become confined to a wheelchair. Professor Stephen Hawking has a condition affecting the nerves that activate his muscles. He still makes spectacular contributions to the world. I hope to use my fully functional muscles to keep contributing to others.

    I show my gratitude to my muscles by doing exercises that strengthen them, by stretching them regularly, and by using a work chair that is kind to my lower back and neck. When my muscles get sore, I stretch them and allow them time to rest and recover.

    9. Circulatory system

    These blood vessels carry good stuff to every part of my body. They carry unwanted stuff, like carbon dioxide, to where it can be passed out of my body.

    If my blood vessels get blocked, parts of me will eventually die of starvation. Even my heart relies on these blood vessels to supply it with blood.

    I thank my blood vessels by avoiding smoking, by eating nourishing meals instead of sugary or processed snacks, by avoiding sitting continuously for long periods, and by exercising regularly.

    10. Endocrine glands

    These provide me with tiny, but indispensable, amounts of hormones. The hormones fine-tune the way I function and make me a sexual being.

    If my glands malfunctioned, my body would lapse into various illnesses.

    I thank my endocrine glands by eating nourishing meals, calming myself when distressed, and remaining physically active.

    11. Bones and joints

    These allow me to stand, move, and fulfil my chosen purposes. Without them, I’d be an immobile blob of jelly. My brain, heart, and lungs would have no protection. I’d soon bleed to death from internal or external wounds, because I’d lack the clot-forming platelets that my bones manufacture.

    My bones are also a factory for blood cells and some hormones. They help keep my mineral levels steady.

    I thank my bones and joints by walking and doing strengthening exercises for my muscles, and eating nourishing meals. I keep my weight within healthy limits to spare the cartilage in my knee joints. I always use a seatbelt in a car, and minimize the need to speed.

    12. Digestive system

    This is the astonishing system which takes what I eat and drink and turns part of it into me. Its associated glands produce enzymes that break the food and drink into smaller molecules. These small molecules pass through the wall of my digestive system into my blood.

    Whether I’m asleep or awake, my digestive system works to supply my body with nutrients, while moving waste along to where it can be expelled.

    There’s a huge variety of ingredients I can ingest. Some of them are harmless, some are healthy, and some are downright harmful. My digestive system copes with them all as best it can. It also hosts trillions of useful microbes.

    I thank my digestive system by avoiding polluted or toxic food and drink, by creating pleasant meal-times, and by eating healthy-sized portions of nourishing meals.

    13. Skin

    This is my amazing built-in, self-repairing raincoat and blanket, which responds to a lover’s touch as no other fabric can. It helps keep my body at just the right temperature, while keeping my insides in and the weather out.

    I thank my skin by protecting it from over-exposure to the sun’s ultra-violet rays. I keep it clean, but without using excessively hot water, which would wash away its natural oils. If it gets broken, I disinfect the wound quickly and seal it with a layer of petroleum jelly.

    14. Peripheral nerves

    These are the command system for my muscles, the nerve supply for my skin, and my protective warning system. Without them, I could accidentally hold my hand in a fire and not know it. I could be bitten by insects, or devoured by rats, and still feel nothing.

    Thanks to my peripheral nerves, my hand springs back automatically if I accidentally touch a candle flame or hot kettle. I have no choice in the matter. My nerves carry the pain to my spinal cord and then instantaneously carry the command back to my muscles: jump away from the source of pain!

    Once, a famous hand surgeon asked medical students to volunteer for a peripheral nerve to be anesthetized. Within hours, all the volunteers found wounds and blisters on their skin. They didn’t know how the wounds happened, since they were temporarily deprived of pain in the affected skin.

    I thank my peripheral nerves by eating nourishing meals instead of sugary or processed snacks, and by exercising regularly. I also avoid smoking and limit my alcohol intake to a small glass of red wine a day.

    15. Reproductive system

    This is the magical part of me that prompted and allowed me to seek a loving partner in life and make babies. I look at our grown children and marvel that half of each child originated in me.

    Imagine if you had a machine that would follow all the instructions of a super-delicious but complicated and fiddly recipe. You know, the kind of recipe that involves pre-cooking some ingredients, then adding others at the right time, then adding a dash of this followed by straining it all and keeping it at just the right temperature for a precise number of minutes. Well, your reproductive system does far more complex things for you.

    Your body self-regulates all the hormonal and other changes required for two half-cells to be formed, in a man and woman respectively. These can eventually come together and be nurtured until a baby is born—ready to be cherished, and apparently determined to keep its parents awake all night.

    I thank my reproductive system by avoiding infections, loving my partner, and making the time and space to be playful together.

    —

    That just skims the surface of a few things we know about the human body. Each of the points could be expanded into several large libraries. The thirty trillion inter-related cells of the human body will keep scientific researchers busy for centuries to come.

    You and I are awesome, in the best sense of the word.

    Whenever you begin to criticize your body, pause to remember that your body is even more awesome than a galaxy. If you find the Milky Way awe-inspiring, then remember that your body is even more awe-inspiring.

    The more grateful I become for my body, the greater grows my respect for others. I will bow to an Olympic athlete, but also to the most impoverished or disabled or aged person you can imagine. Because our bodies are awesome temples, regardless of our appearance.

    Respect your body and tend it with love.

    I’ve signed up for organ donation after I die. These organs that have served me so well can continue their amazing service, but to others who need them. On my deathbed, I’ll be willing a message to my beloved organs: “Thank you, my faithful friends. Thirty trillion times over, thank you.”

  • How Introverts Can Meet People Without Bars or Booze

    How Introverts Can Meet People Without Bars or Booze

    happy couple hiding behind big white blank board

    “Be yourself, because an original is worth more than a copy.” ~Unknown

    There was a moment during my twenties years when I realized I was an introvert.

    Now, this may sound like a mundane realization to you, but trust me, this was the Big Epiphany of my young life.

    I spent my teenage years pretending to be someone else. Like a lot of my friends, I went out as much as possible. I partied. I was loud.

    Until it dawned on me: I hated going out. I hated parties. I wasn’t loud. Honestly? I just wanted to stay home, drink coffee, and wear sweatpants.

    This is the story of how I re-learned how to connect with people—without the bars and booze.

    Once I realized my life needed a change, I did a complete 180. I didn’t ease out of my old lifestyle so much as stopped cold turkey. Needless to say, my old friends didn’t want to hang out with the new me and I ended up with no one to talk to. It’s shocking how quickly an introvert can get lonely.

    This loneliness lasted years. I questioned everything I knew about myself. Who was I? Was I broken? Would anyone want to be with me as I was? How could I be an introverted homebody and make a completely new group of friends?

    I also realized I wanted to meet a woman and settle down, but I had no idea how to meet anyone without my old crutch of liquid courage and thumping music.

    Eventually I stumbled into the world of pickup. I read dating books and watched YouTube videos. Finally, I felt like I had the answer! Dating would ease that loneliness, right?

    For a while, it did—until I realized I was seducing women with another guy’s personality, which wasn’t a good way to attract someone for a long-term relationship.

    Eventually I exchanged dating books for personal development blogs and, through a lot of trial and error, came up with my own system for meeting women (and making new friends) using my introverted qualities.

    Here’s how I did it:

    Ditch the Bars & Clubs

    Bars are not a place for people like me. If you’re introverted, you know what I’m talking about. The too-loud music. The sticky floors. The screaming conversations.

    Instead, I became more conscious about going places I already went in my daily life—coffee shops, volunteering, hiking… pick your poison.

    This made it easier for me to approach not only women, but any new person. If we both enjoyed this activity, it was more likely we were going to have at least one thing in common.

    Do Quiet Activities in Social Places

    Even after axing bars and clubs, I still wanted to stay home and watch Netflix, but I knew I wouldn’t meet the woman of my dreams if I stayed home.

    While I had no intention of going full-on out out, I started taking my non-social activities to social places. So instead of doing homework in my PJs on the couch, I’d take my laptop to a coffee shop and talk to anyone I encountered. Even something simple like chatting up the barista made me more confident in my booze-free social abilities, while also rewarding me with a daily jolt of human interaction.

    Want to read a book? Do it in the park.

    Exercise? Sure, you could work out at home with your favorite DVD, or you could join a local gym.

    There’s power in local community, and you’d be shocked who you’ll meet out in the real world if you’re open to it.

    Give Up on the End Game

    The biggest shift I made during this period was to remove an expectation of outcome.

    For those of you dying to meet the love of your life, hearing the words “Just stop trying so hard!” probably makes you want to punch me in the face. But it really wasn’t until I stopped expecting every interaction to lead to an immediate new friend or partner that I actually started meeting new friends and, ultimately, my partner.

    When I was deep in the world of pickup, I learned that the more women I approached, the better my chances. The second I sensed my conversation “going nowhere,” I had full permission to extricate myself. I had an End Goal, and the entire point of going out was the meet it.

    The result is, of course, a lot of stress, zero deep interactions, and a lot of frustrations.

    Only when I started approaching people out of curiosity did I actually enjoy the process.

    Only when I stopped focusing so much on the “outcome” did I actually get the outcome I wanted.

    Put another way: As you move through the world, engage with it. Enjoy the process. Embrace the journey of a thousand little micro-conversations. Be present during every social interaction. Ask the questions you want to ask. The answers might surprise you.

    Today, instead of lying about who I am, I’ve created a smaller, tighter group of friends.

    And, best of all, I actually like myself.

    I had always assumed introverts were losers. Turns out, we have a ton of characteristics that make us extraordinary: We’re good listeners. Information just doesn’t go in one ear and out the other. We’re able to tap into other people’s worlds and really connect.

    Eventually, I met my now-fiancé. We met online of all places, so I guess it’s not that old-fashioned after all. But it wasn’t until I was really honest about who I was and who I was looking for, did my perfect match actually show up.

  • The Key to Letting Go of Your Ex: Love Them More

    The Key to Letting Go of Your Ex: Love Them More

    woman-with-broken-heart

    “The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.” ~Barbara De Angelis

    My first love broke my heart into microscopic little pieces. I honestly didn’t think I’d survive. Losing him was like losing a limb. I couldn’t function.

    Yet, by the time that he and I had parted ways, our connection was already severed, bleeding, broken—hanging on by threads we both imagined were there.

    When we met, we were idealistic, open-hearted, trusting teenagers. Three years later, we were both addicts, self-harming in our own ways, and both in the habit of using words—those words first uttered in times of gentle intimacy—like weapons against each other. We were at war—with each other and with ourselves.

    Together, we had become the worst versions of ourselves. But this is what made it so much harder to let go. Sure, we were sick, mentally and emotionally, but we were sick together.

    I kept thinking I was “over him” until, three years later, I realized I hadn’t thought about him for a whole week. Until then, I thought of him multiple times a day, especially when I walked by places we had frequented together. The city around me was a minefield.

    In those three years, I was with someone else. He was the polar opposite of my ex. I realize now that I subconsciously thought choosing someone I was incompatible with would protect me from future harm. Maybe it did. But it also kept me from passion and intimacy.

    Maybe it sounds like my broken heart healed organically, naturally, over time. It didn’t. About a month before I finally stopped thinking about my ex every day, I had an epiphany.

    I can’t remember what sparked it, but I remember exactly how I felt when I realized: He and I were not going to be together again. The only thing more shocking was my subsequent realization that I’d spent three years expecting that we would be!

    I realized that he and I had done horrible things to each other and that, regardless of our initial connection, I didn’t want memories like that with someone. I didn’t want to remember my partner voicing all my worst self-judgments. I wanted someone to feel safe with. And we could never feel safe together.

    Shortly after the dissolution of my second relationship, I had another epiphany: I was an addict. I smoked cigarettes. I drank too much. And I’d been using mind-altering substances in a way I thought was social, but was, truly, escapist and excessive.

    It wasn’t until I rid myself of my other addictions, and faced the demons I had without those crutches, that I realized I didn’t really love my ex. I was addicted to him.

    I thought I needed to learn to love again, but I didn’t. I had never truly loved. I got high on idealizing him, crafting him into this perfect savior who would save me from all my pain and all my insecurities. Then, I stewed in villainizing him, blaming him for tearing up my life, my innocence, my confidence. But he was just a human being, and I never saw that.

    I did to him what I did to myself. I expected perfection, and when I realized it wasn’t coming, I poured hot, thick judgment all over everything. I couldn’t face my authentic, real, natural self, so I couldn’t face him that way either.

    When I began to greet the woman in the mirror with open-minded, open-hearted acceptance of what was there, I suffered. I suffered because she wasn’t like TV, because she had flaws, because she would never be perfect. I suffered because I realized how much time I’d wasted trying to be perfect.

    A time came when my reflection no longer triggered revulsion within me. That was my first experience of what I call “love.” I saw someone whose beauty surpassed the pictures on the magazines. I saw a woman who was beautiful because she was a raw, real, organic part of everything.

    When I saw myself that way, I could see the rest of reality that way. I finally saw my ex that way—flaws and all, beautiful because he was a part of this interconnected moment. Beautiful because he was real, human, flawed, just like everyone else.

    That was the first time I ever really loved him. I loved him that way where I wanted him to be happy, with or without me—that way I’d heard people talking about, but never understood what they meant.

    When I finally loved him that way, I didn’t need him to be mine. I didn’t need him to be a part of my sad story anymore. He had his own story. He was more important than the role he’d played in my own, personal melodrama.

    I realized that I had spent years craving love with all my being, and I had been translating those cravings into desires for my ex. I thought I was heartbroken about losing him, but I wasn’t. I was heartbroken about losing this “love” thing that I thought came from him.

    But love didn’t come from him. Love came from me. It was always inside of me, this feeling of being connected to the world. I mentally hired him as the deliveryman of that feeling and suffered for years, because he wasn’t coming and bringing it.

    I didn’t need to learn to love again. I needed to learn to love.

    Now, I can experience the feeling of love when looking at a sunset. I can feel it while having a really good conversation with a friend. I feel it often while writing. I feel it sometimes in crowds of people.

    I feel love in those places because I let myself feel it, because I’ve come to define love as an awareness of my connection to the world, and I allow that connection to take endless forms. Because of that, I’m no longer begging, pleading, desperately for people to love me, and I am not obsessing about past relationships lost.

    Our relationships are just vessels for something bigger—for real love, for an awareness of our connection to life. Of course, each relationship is different, so we will experience that connection uniquely with each person, but we are experiencing connection all the same.

    I have come to believe that heartbreak is an incredible opportunity. It’s a chance to observe the difference between true love and addiction.

    It’s a chance to separate our desire for love from our expectations about where love comes from. Heartbreak is an opportunity to look at what we believe we’ve lost and realize that, maybe, we’ve never actually found it.

    Maybe this seems counterintuitive, but if you’re trying to stop loving a person in order to get over them, try loving them more. Try loving them so much that you don’t need them to be yours. Try loving them so much that you see the real human being instead of just idealizations and villainizations.

    Try loving yourself this way too.

    Of course, it will still hurt, because pain is a part of loss. At best, you will have lost a relationship, and that is still painful. But if you allow yourself to lose a relationship without losing love—without losing your awareness of your connection to the world—then your healing process will open doors to profound self-discovery rather than suffering, and eventually, to a higher level of intimacy with others.

    Learning to love showed me how much I have to give, and it’s more than I could have ever imagined. If, like me, you move onto another relationship after healing, your capacity for intimacy and connection will far surpass what you experienced in past relationships.

    Like this, heartbreak can actually strengthen your future relationships—but only if you take that opportunity to look within yourself.

    As Gangaji said, “let your heart break, for your breaking heart only reveals a core of love unbroken.”

  • Simplify These Things and You’ll Enjoy Life a Lot More

    Simplify These Things and You’ll Enjoy Life a Lot More

    happy-woman-meditating

    “I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures.” ~Lao-Tze

    So said Lao-Tze, perhaps one of the greatest teachers humankind has ever had.

    When I committed myself to the most important journey of my life (of course I’m talking about the spiritual one), I was focused on gaining patience. I worked hard to free my mind and soul from all clutter and emotional charge.

    There was one aspect I kept ignoring: getting rid of the clutter. When one of my closest friends was in my room, she didn’t wait too long before noticing, “You have too much stuff all around.”

    What stuff? I had no idea I was living in a mess. I even had a name for it: creative chaos.

    You know how everything seems to fall into place at certain periods of time? It was that very same day when I encountered Lao-Tze’s quote. It just popped up on my Facebook feed.

    At that moment, I realized I was focusing on gaining patience and compassion, but I was forgetting about a really important part of the journey: simplicity. And I knew my friend was right: you can’t declutter your mind if you don’t simplify your life.

    I didn’t limit that change to material possessions; I expanded it beyond that aspect of living. This was part of my journey, and I can’t find the right words to express the relief I felt as soon as I started making my life simpler. Hopefully, my experience will help you make that change, so I decided to share a few steps that will lead you to the bliss of living simply.

    Understand what possessions are. Get rid of them!

    Do you own too many things? That’s not a real problem if you need them. If, however, you’re collecting a pile of stuff you never use, then you have a real problem.

    This was the mindset I adopted: “I own these things. But they also own me!” You’ve probably heard the same advice many times before: don’t allow stuff to possess you.

    You need a car? I understand that. But would you go completely crazy over a scratch?

    Our material possessions drain our energy because we have to take care of them. As soon as you get rid of the attachment, you’ll discover some true values.

    Simplify your work.

    If you have too many tasks on your daily schedule and you try hard to achieve them all, you’ll end up in complete chaos by the end of the day. I know. I’ve been there.

    Start your day by making a list of five important tasks you have to do. Which one of them has priority? Do it first!

    Then, continue working through your list of priorities. If you have space for any minor tasks, you’ll cover them. With time, you’ll realize you’re becoming much more effective in your work, but you’ve also simplified the way you cover daily obligations.

    Oh, here’s another thing that complicates your life: multitasking. You can’t check what’s trending on Twitter when you’re in the middle of writing a report. Go through your list of tasks in a really simple way: step by step.

    Make your relations more positive and sincere.

    If you really want to change your life, you need to think about the people you’re surrounded by. Do they drain your energy?

    There’s a friend I really love, but I started getting headaches every time we met. She was going on and on talking about a boyfriend she broke up with years ago. She wasn’t sharing her burden because she needed advice; she was just living in her own past, and she felt the need to go through the same memories every time we talked.

    Let’s make it clear: We should never have a problem with people who want to express their emotional pain. When our closest friends need advice, we should listen and try to help them in any possible way.

    If, however, it turns into constant complaints about superficial things and unwillingness to accept any help, it won’t work. I realized that instead of transferring my positive energy to her, she was sucking my enthusiasm away, and we both ended up being miserable afterward.

    So, I decided to change the course of our relations. Instead of talking to her over the phone, I started inviting her to walks and lunches. I introduced her to a large circle of friends, and I did my best to make our friendship more positive. It worked.

    You should definitely offer your shoulder to people who need it. If you have a friend in trouble and you feel really bad about the stuff they are going through, listen to them. Then, try to make things a bit more optimistic. You know, get them out of bed, eat tons of ice cream, watch movies and meet new people.

    Declutter your mind.

    In other words, learn to meditate. That was the most important lesson I learned in my life. When I started, I had some doubts about the effects meditation can have. But I can’t even describe the difference my teacher made in my life. Within a couple of weeks, after I learned the basics and started to practice daily, I felt a profound sense of calmness and relief.

    Meditation can also help you release resentment, hate, jealousy, and other emotions that drain you and complicate your life and your relationships. Negativity is completely natural, but the key is to not let it control you. Meditation helps with this, since it enables you to create space between your thoughts and emotions and your reaction to them.

    When you notice negative thoughts emerging while meditating, observe them without attaching to them. Don’t try to suppress them, and don’t allow yourself to get carried away. It’s like watching your thoughts on a TV screen. You don’t influence them in any way, and they eventually pass.

    When you declutter the negative thoughts in your mind, you’ll leave space for greatness.

    You don’t need to complicate communication.

    I’m a writer, so I’m used to communicating in the simplest way possible: through words. However, people somehow find a way to make communication more complex than necessary. We write emails, we follow each other on social media, and we send snaps of our daily existence. Instead of having real conversations, we express ourselves through GIFs and memes.

    Here’s what I decided to do: I started calling my friends and meeting them in person more often. I almost forgot how that felt.

    The old-school methods are usually simpler but more effective, too. Try not to rely on your Messenger when you have a really important conversation to make, and you’ll see what I mean. Social networking is great, but your social life shouldn’t be limited to it.

    Simplify your RSS feeds.

    Have you seen the list of pages you currently follow on Facebook? You realize you’re not even interested in what most of them have to offer, right? Why don’t you try getting rid of most of them?

    You’ll come back to a cleaner, more interesting feed that doesn’t encourage you to scroll down without paying attention to the posts.

    Make sure to get rid of all “news” pages that don’t deliver reliable information. Stick to relevant, reputable sources of information you can trust.

    Don’t be a spendthrift.

    Before buying something new, ask yourself, “Do I need this? I want it, but do I need it?”

    Shopaholism leads to attachment to material possessions. The sole act of buying things we don’t need defies one of the main purposes of the journey to self-awareness: detachment.

    Eat simply.

    “What should I make for dinner? What dessert should I treat myself with? I like cheesecake, but I ate that yesterday.”

    Why do we allow food to bring so much thinking, problem-solving, and questions into our lives? Why can’t we just eat something for the sake of filling our tummies? Actually, we can.

    For me, simplifying my eating habits meant eating as much raw food as I could. I started spending less time in the kitchen, and I finally found the time to take swimming lessons. See? I decluttered, and then I filled that space with something meaningful.

    Declutter your surroundings.

    I always liked Japanese minimalism, but my room was the complete opposite: paper and manuscripts, pens and notebooks all over the place.

    After that important visit and advice from my friend, I did a spring cleaning. I bought a nice cabinet, and I organized the papers I needed there. I organized them by color so I can easily find whatever I need.

    I can’t even tell you how much stuff I threw away that week (yes, I needed a week to clean that space up). The feeling of accomplishment was priceless.

    Simplify your goals.

    Is everything on your to-do list achievable? If that’s not the case, you’ll have to get rid of some goals, no matter how hard that is for you.

    When you simplify your goals, you’ll find more joy in work because you’ll have greater confidence in yourself. You’ll know that you can complete every task you start.

    Limit the consumption of resources.

    Our materialistic nature makes us buy more things that consume valuable resources, such as gas, water, and electricity. All those laptops, tablets, smartphones, TVs, dryers, deodorants, diamonds, and cosmetics cost us our planet.

    Getting things you don’t need, which you certainly think you need, has a name: consumerism. Such an attitude gets you attached to the things you buy, and you’re constantly finding new gaps to fill and more things to gain. Free your mind from come-and-go desires, always take time before you make your final decision, and be mindful of the planet you are living on!

    A Simple Future for Everyone!

    We don’t need all the stuff we have. We don’t need to buy more. We don’t need the mess in our heads.

    Try making simplicity part of every aspect of your life, and you’ll reach new heights of self-accomplishment.

  • Why Loving Someone Isn’t Enough to Make It Work

    Why Loving Someone Isn’t Enough to Make It Work

    “We accept the love we think we deserve.” ~Stephen Chbosky

    Have you ever thought that you could love someone enough to make everything work?

    Have you been in a relationship where you knew you weren’t really happy, but you kept saying, “But I love him/her. Isn’t that enough?”

    I know how it feels to believe this. I have felt this more times than I care to admit. The worst was when I fell in love with my ex-husband. He was twelve years my junior, from another country (Greece), and barely spoke English.

    Our souls connected immediately, and I fell in love with him. What was I thinking? We had nothing in common. He was not ready financially or emotionally. We could not communicate. Our cultures were different. But I was in love, and shouldn’t that have been enough?

    It wasn’t only my ex-husband that I had this problem with. Every relationship I’ve had was fatally flawed. They weren’t flawed because I chose bad, evil men. They were flawed because I fell in love with character and not with our compatibility or their ability to contribute to my happiness.

    I fell in love with these men because of who they were, not how they made me feel. Yes, they were kind. Yes, they were ethical. Yes, they were attractive. But not one of them really listened to me. Not one of them treated me like I was the best thing since sliced bread.

    Still, I stayed. I kept trying and trying. I kept thinking that if I were enough they would care more. I kept thinking if I gave more they would understand I was doing everything to make them happy, and in return they would want to make me happy.

    I stayed hoping some miracle of all miracles would happen, because I loved them and shouldn’t love be enough?

    Unfortunately, it isn’t. It never will be. Just loving someone isn’t enough.

    So, whether you are in a relationship that you are unsure of right now or if you are just venturing into the dating world, ask yourself these things before you settle down.

    1. How do you feel about yourself when you’re around them?

    When you’re around them do you feel content and accepted, or do you feel anxious and misunderstood? Sometimes our relationships can be a reflection of how we feel about ourselves, so be careful not to push your judgment of yourself onto your partner.

    Determine whether these feelings arise out of their treatment of you, or whether they are insecurities you have no matter who you are with.

    Some people are just a better match for us than others. I’m someone who likes to talk and connect on a deep, emotional level. Unfortunately, I have a habit of choosing partners who don’t like to talk and don’t like to connect, so I always end up feeling alone and misunderstood. There was nothing wrong with them; we just weren’t a good match.

    2. Are my needs equal in importance to their own?

    When you tell your partner something is important to you, how do they react? If you tell your partner, “I really need to spend quality time with you because it makes me feel special,” and they don’t understand what that means and don’t want to know, then perhaps you are not right for each other.

    Relationships take two equal parts. If you make your partner’s needs important, then your partner has to do the same or you are in a lopsided relationship and you will never be fulfilled.

    I remember one time I came home from an extremely stressful week/month at work, and I really needed to vent. I started talking to my then husband. To this day I remember him saying to me, “Carrie. Carrie. I am not your girlfriend. If you want to talk, call Tracy.”

    What could I do with that? If my own husband doesn’t want to talk to me and doesn’t care about my day or that I’m stressed, where can we go? Yes, you can guess where we went. We went to divorce court.

    3. Are their core values in line with mine?

    We all have core principles and values that we live by. These are different for each of us. However, if your partner does not have the same values you have, then there is likely to be trouble in paradise as time marches on. Core values are things you must have in a partner.

    Core values include:

    • Religion
    • The desire to have children
    • How you deal with money
    • Integrity
    • Fidelity
    • Family
    • Health

    For example, I’m insanely ethical. I was born this way. I can’t explain it. No one wants a cheater or a liar, but many times people cheat and lie and explain it away or justify it. This is completely incompatible with my sense of self, and something I could never accept in a partner. I was drawn to my last boyfriend because of his ethical principles. He was highly actuated in this area and it made me extremely attracted to him because of it.

    Some of these things change over time, and sometimes not. Some people can become more religious or decide they want children. It is possible to change the way you view and handle money.

    Deeply ingrained core values are not likely to change. If the person you are with is not family-oriented and doesn’t want to be, and you have a huge conflict, you are setting yourself up for trouble. If you want children and s/he doesn’t and never will, then stop trying to make it something it isn’t just because you love him.

    4. Do they want to know me? The real me?

    I believe everyone has different comfort levels in regard to vulnerability. Some people crave intense emotional intimacy, and some do not.

    My parents were married for thirty-four years, and I often wonder how much they really knew each other. They were happy and content, but at times it seemed like a surface relationship because neither was willing to show the other their true self. I don’t judge them because that is what they were capable of. For me though, I want and need more.

    Are you capable of showing your partner who you really are on your darkest days? Do they want to know? Do you feel accepted and understood for all your quirkiness and irrationality or whatever your personality traits are?

    If not, then you may be left perpetually dissatisfied, and over time the relationship will probably erode itself away, or you will be drawn to someone else you think does want to know you and does accept you. Honestly, this is probably where most affairs start.

    5. Is my life better with them in it?

    Is your partner an asset or a hindrance? Do they support you or suck the life out of you? Do they want you to reach your goals and your dreams, or do they put you down and make you feel like you can’t or won’t accomplish anything?

    A partner should be your biggest supporter and cheerleader, and if they aren’t put them on the bench and find a new player. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t believe in you. Don’t take this to mean you should be able to do whatever you want and they should accept it. What it means is you should feel content and supported and loved with this person in your life.

    Days should not be filled with angst, fights, conflict, or division. If your days are not happy the majority of the time, then ask yourself why. What are you contributing to the unhappiness? Fix your side of the street and see if anything changes. If not, you may need to rethink why you are with them.

    What Do I Want?

    Don’t ask these questions just once. Ask them over and over. Ask them in one month. Ask them in six months. Ask them in six years. As much as you love them, and as much as you think they may love you, if they can’t meet your needs, and don’t want to meet them, then you are wasting your time and wasting precious moments of your life.

    There are many wonderful, kind people out there, but that doesn’t make them right for you. Just because you love them doesn’t mean you can be happy with them.

    Don’t waste years on someone because “you love them.” Every day is a choice. Choose your own happiness, and in doing so you will choose love rather than it choosing you.

  • How to Avoid End-of-Life Regret: Stop Giving Your Life Away

    How to Avoid End-of-Life Regret: Stop Giving Your Life Away

    happy-man

    “One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.” ~Unknown

    Do you ever wonder what life is all about? You may wake up day after day and go to a job you can barely stand. You might be in an unsatisfying relationship that’s on its last breath, yet you can’t seem to let it go.

    Maybe you spend more money than you have, or you eat or drink too much because it’s the only thing that distracts you from your misery. Whatever the distraction, you know you are unhappy, but powerless to know what to do about it.

    In my early twenties, I had finished college and was working at my first “real” job. My graduation allowed me to become commissioned as an officer in the Army National Guard. Most importantly, and best of all, I was in love. I was on a personal and professional trajectory and right in line with societal norms.

    The next step in my carefully predicted life was marriage and a family. My life was unfolding before me like I thought it should, and I was content to ignore the gnawing discontent that had been quietly eating away at my insides, for as long as I could remember.

    Unfortunately, or fortunately, when the “love of my life” brought our relationship to a screeching halt, I was devastated. Like, I wanted to die, devastated.

    My body froze in time, and I was unable to move with any sense of direction or intention. I was lost, as grief washed over me in relentless waves, threatening to drown me. Life had thrown me overboard, and I was not wearing a life vest.

    The truth is, all those overwhelming feelings had less to do with him and more to do with feelings that had been living inside of me long before he came along. He just reminded me they were there.

    Do you know the feeling? The feeling of the bottom completely falling out of your world, leaving you with nothing to stand on? That relationship was not my destiny, but it would turn out to be a critical turning point in my life.

    Obviously, I did not die. After crying countless tears and dragging myself out of bed every morning for a few months, wondering what I was doing with my life, I made a decision.

    I had four months of Officers training to complete at Ft. Sam Houston in San Antonio, Texas, so I decided it was time to fulfill that commitment. So for four months I worked hard, played hard, made some fantastic new friends, and got paid for it all.

    Something unexpected happened. An unfamiliar feeling of lightheartedness began to possess my body, and my eyes were opened to the seriousness with which I had been living my life.

    I had no idea how burdened I had been feeling, having rarely known anything else. I realized that I had not been living the life I wanted. I was living the life expected of me, or at least what I thought was expected of me.

    When my time in Texas came to an end, the thought of returning home wrenched my gut with dread. The feeling was in stark contrast to the lightheartedness I had been feeling. This got my attention.

    Something had changed, and I could not return to life as I had known it. What I had not yet realized was that it was me that was changing.

    I was discontent in all areas of my life, and that relationship helped me avoid it. It wasn’t until the breakup that I was forced to take notice.

    I was barely twenty-four years old, and I was miserable. So despite opposition and my own anxiety, I stopped complying with my perception of societal expectations and I started to follow my gut. I followed my feelings.

    I wanted to travel. Some said I was running away from things; nonetheless, I believed, instead, that I was running towards something. I had come to realize there were a multitude of voices in my head all vying for my attention.

    Family, friends, religion, and society were all scrambling for possession of my mind, and I had been trying to live my life the way I thought I should.

    I honestly did not know what I wanted, so used to pleasing others first. At that moment in time, what I did know is what I didn’t want. I did not want to go back home.

    So I planned a trip with my youngest sister. We spent two and a half fabulous, fun, carefree months traveling and exploring the western U.S., camping and backpacking.

    While in California I met a woman who had backpacked Europe, and I knew immediately that was to be my next trip. After my western U.S. exploration was done, I returned home to plan a trip to Europe.

    After a couple months of planning, I traveled alone to Europe, where I spent four months backpacking Western Europe, the Mediterranean countries, and Egypt. All because I began to listen to my gut, to my feelings and desires, rather than all the voices in my head telling me what I should do.

    As I stood alone on a street corner in London on the cold December day that I landed there, I was ecstatic. Cell phones were barely in existence, and no one could reach me. I was completely on my own and ready to find out what kind of grit I had, and I was amazed at how good it felt. I was amazed at how good I felt!

    I was learning that taking care of myself and making decisions for my life based on what was right for me, rather than others, was a priority. I don’t mean that in an irresponsible, indifferent way. I mean it in a “this is my life and I get to live it my way” kind of way.

    So, as it turned out, the ending of the relationship that I thought would last forever was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Not because he was a bad guy or would have made a lousy husband, but because his ending the relationship woke me up. 

    It was not his job to be my “happily ever after.” It was mine and his leaving forced me to begin to figure that out.

    Many of us expect others to make us happy and to fulfill our dreams, never knowing that we have the ability to do it for ourselves. Trust me when I tell you, you will be most happy and most contented when you do. Your relationships will be healthier when you do.

    Here’s the hard part: It means taking a chance. Maybe risking failure, maybe finding success. Likely feeling very uncomfortable—at least for a little while. But if we don’t try, we will never know. We will never grow.

    It can be difficult to make decisions that go against the grain, especially if we anticipate being rejected by or disappointing to someone close to us. I know, I lived it. Hard as it was, it was the best thing I ever did for myself.

    I also know that to live your life pleasing someone else, or following what mainstream society dictates you do, will leave you doing things you do not want to do and feeling ways you do not want to feel.

    Societal and family systems will pigeonhole us if we let them. We internalize limits based on what we have been told or taught. The key is to question what you have been told or taught. You get to decide if it is true for your life. It can be scary, I understand that. Do it anyway.

    Keep what works for you and get rid of the rest. The limits we face are usually the ones we place on ourselves. We can blame no one else if our life is unsatisfying. Take small steps, but take a step.

    The consequences of a life given away are greater than the consequences of living life on our terms. In other words, when we live life on our terms, we gain more than we lose. Period.

    I came to further understand how important that was years ago, while working as a hospice nurse. That work became my teacher, as I recognized very quickly who had lived a fulfilling life and who had not.

    It was easy to see the peace and acceptance of the contented and fulfilled, which highlighted the sad and painful turmoil of those with regrets.

    Those most at peace were the ones who had faced their fears, who’d taken chances, while risking losing. Those in turmoil had avoided themselves, their pain, their fears, and their dreams. They stayed safe or distant and disconnected and regretted it in the end. They suffered as a result.

    Life is an invitation to grow and to make a difference. You are important. You are needed. Don’t be the one dying with regret. Do not waste another minute being afraid to break out of your rut. Take a chance!

    Discover your passions. What makes you come alive? What gets you excited? What do you want? What is your gut telling you to do and what are the fears holding you back? Whose life is it?

    It’s your life. Live it!

  • When Things Don’t Work Out: Who Knows If It’s Good or Bad?

    When Things Don’t Work Out: Who Knows If It’s Good or Bad?

    Good or bad

    “It’s not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean.” ~Tony Robbins

    I recently received a rejection letter for a voluntary role befriending and supporting a child in the care system. I was excited at the prospect of supporting a child who had likely been through a lot, and had been quietly confident that I would be great in the role.

    After all, I am an emotionally responsible, fun-loving, deeply caring adult who had lived through a ton of difficulty: addiction and alcoholism (my own and my mother’s); growing up in a single parent household; not meeting my biological dad properly until I was fourteen years old; self-harm, self-hatred, and overwhelming, toxic shame, which I have transformed into courage, confidence, and a powerful calling to be of service to others.

    I felt my stomach knot up as I read, “Some of the information you share online could be confusing for a child and might be inappropriate for their age and understanding. We have therefore regretfully decided that we will not be able to accept your application for this role.”

    First I was disappointed, and then I was angry.

    I was angry with myself and my stupid, “too-much” honesty, angry with the articles I’ve written that have gone viral in the past, leaving me with a permanent digital fingerprint, angry with the system and its red tape and bureaucracy, angry that anyone can have their own baby but in order to support one that is in the care system, you need to be bland, opaque, and un-googleable.

    Then, the wave of shame came—shame that I have shared so transparently over the years, shame that anyone can google me and can find so much… stuff.

    Next came the fear: the letter raised doubts and questions about how transparent and vulnerable it is safe to be. I noticed my mind race with fears about whether I would ever get a voluntary position or job working with children/vulnerable adults again.

    And then (finally!), some understanding and acceptance.

    The recruiters are simply doing what they consider is best for the child.

    I wrote my application in full integrity, so if it’s not happening, perhaps it is not meant to be.

    It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m okay.

    I remembered the fable of the wise farmer. Here is my own version of it:

    There was once a wise farmer, who, with his wife, had a small piece of land and one horse. One day, the horse managed to jump the fence and ran away to freedom.

    The farmer’s nosy neighbor sidled up to the fence, leaned on it conspiratorially, tutting and shaking his head. “You had just one horse,” said the neighbor, “and now he’s gone. Such bad luck!”

    The wise farmer nodded slowly, taking in his neighbor’s words. “Well, who knows if it’s good or bad?”

    The next day, the wise farmer’s horse miraculously reappeared, except that he wasn’t alone: in tow was a second, wild horse.

    The neighbor hurried over excitedly, jabbering away. “You had one horse, then you lost it, and now you have two! This is such good luck!”

    The farmer smiled sagely before replying, “Who knows if it’s good or bad?”

    The following day, the farmer’s only son took on the job of breaking in the wild horse. The horse bucked, throwing the son to the ground. His leg was well and truly broken.

    “Tut, tut, tut,” the neighbor muttered in dismay, “What a week! You lose a horse, get it back, gain an extra horse and now your only son, your only help on the farm, is injured! This is such terrible, terrible luck.”

    Once again the wise farmer shrugged his shoulders, utterly non-committal. “Who knows if it’s good or bad?”

    A week later, the army marched through town, conscripting all and any young men for military duty. The farmer’s son, in a cast and on crutches, was not required to go to war. The neighbor exhaled in relief upon hearing the news. “Oh, what good luck for you and your family! Your son doesn’t have to go to war! Such good luck.”

    Of course, the farmer responded in only the way he could…

    “Who knows if it’s good or bad?”

    I’m not about to suggest that when we see injustice, abuse, or evil in the world, we pretend that it doesn’t matter, or use the “Who knows if it’s good or bad?” line as an excuse for apathy. That would be a gross misinterpretation of the message of this story, which is really, in its essence, a teaching about curiosity and remembering that in the grand scheme of things, we really don’t know what anything truly means.

    The wise farmer in the fable may have had emotions and stories running in his head in response to each unfolding event (although he does appear to be very close to enlightenment if you ask me!), but he kept a truly open mind and consistently responded with curiosity, reminding himself and his drama-addicted neighbor that nobody truly knows what anything actually “means.”

    Since there is never really a finishing line (even death doesn’t necessarily stop the ripple effects), we can’t really declare that something was definitely good or bad. It is always unfolding.

    How many lawsuits are filed years after an actual event has taken place?

    How many terrible events have borne something beautiful and vital to our world?

    How many losses have led to triumphs?

    And how many triumphs have led to losses?

    The self-study metaphysical text A Course In Miracles guides the student to practice acknowledging that “Nothing I see means anything” and that “I give everything I see all the meaning it has for me.”

    It challenges the reader to detach from playing God and from constantly interpreting and attaching meaning to every single thing that happens, to remember that we are always only seeing a tiny aspect of the vast tapestry that is being woven throughout our lifetime.

    Detachment from meaning-making doesn’t mean leap-frogging over difficult emotions. In fact, I believe we are called to do the exact opposite, as hard and uncomfortable as that can be—to lean in and feel it all.

    When I got the rejection letter, I allowed myself to feel the anger, disappointment, shame, judgment and sadness. I gave myself permission to feel and process what came up for me—for a while, anyway.

    Then, at some point, the time came for inner vigilance, for deliberately and consciously choosing to practice curiosity and release control of needing to make anyone right or wrong.

    I believe we are all called to do this deep inner work. Not all of us answer the call, of course, because it’s uncomfortable. Our brains are wired for certainty, which makes the practice of leaning into uncertainty and curiosity spiritual black belt stuff. It goes against our inbuilt survival instinct that wants to have it all figured out.

    Deeply surrendering, practicing humility, and being willing to sit in the uncertainty of really not knowing what is going on, while also having faith that it might just be a friendly universe, are acts full of power.

    This work isn’t easy, but it’s so important.

    It is vital to tame the scared monkey mind that panics at the slightest hint of uncertainty and tries desperately to figure out what on earth is going on.

    It is critical to become conscious of the story and the meaning your mind wants to create, to allow yourself to feel the emotion that is present, and then to choose to commit to the hardcore inner work of remembering that you don’t really know what the outcome of any situation in your life will be.

    For me, it turns out that I will not be befriending a child in the care system anytime soon. This situation was a powerful reminder that I simply am not in charge. It has prompted me to ask some big questions about how vulnerable and transparent I want to continue to be online, to make a choice about whether I will continue to write and speak about uncomfortable topics, even if it means the loss of certain options.

    Who knows if what happened is good or bad. I certainly don’t. I can either roar at the universe about the injustice of this, or I can take a deep breath and acknowledge that I don’t really know what this is for.

    Perhaps one day I will look back and think, “Ah, that’s the gift that came out of this situation.”

    But for now, we only have today. And so today, I wish you a day full of conscious, genuine curiosity.

    Because when trying to figure out if what is unfolding in your life right now is good or bad, the only thing we can say for certain is that more will always be revealed.

  • When We Love and Accept Ourselves, the World Fits Around Us

    When We Love and Accept Ourselves, the World Fits Around Us

    woman-and-butterfly

    “If you feel like you don’t fit in in this world, it is because you are here to help create a new one.” ~Jocelyn Daher

    Since I can remember, I never felt comfortable in my skin. I would watch everyone else, and it seemed as though they knew exactly how to be themselves. Even as a toddler I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t like everybody else. From those earliest memories I thought something was wrong with me if I didn’t feel, understand, or think the same as someone else.

    My insecurities started young and grew as I got older. I would observe the other kids at school; they had interests, hobbies, and seemed to know who they were. I wanted to fit in so badly that I began to morph into whatever I thought I needed to be to belong.

    I would see someone and want what they had. It didn’t matter if it was clothes, shoes, or musical interests. I thought their happiness came from the life they lived, and I wanted so badly to be happy.

    I grew up poor, in a single parent home. I was overweight, and other kids bullied me daily. I told myself this was why I didn’t have hobbies: My mom couldn’t afford to put me in classes, and I couldn’t play sports because I was fat. This was partially true, but it was also true that I didn’t like sports and never wanted to play them.

    I just longed to fit in to a group, any group, and it was easier to make excuses for who I wasn’t than to admit that I didn’t fit in anywhere. I’ve always been a people pleaser, and I wanted everyone to love me. I craved love so strongly because there wasn’t any inside of me.

    The façade would constantly blow up in my face, and I’d get called out for not knowing things I acted as though I knew. There was always someone skinnier, smarter, and better than me at things. I needed to be the best at everything to feel good enough. You can imagine how often I felt unworthy.

    The issue was that I wasn’t looking inside of myself to find out what I enjoyed. I wasn’t following my heart. Instead, I used that energy to watch and mimic other kids. I constantly compared myself to others and saw only where I was lacking.

    It didn’t get easier as I headed to high school and into adulthood. I was still trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be and fighting who I really was.

    The further I pushed my feelings down, the more my social anxiety took a hold of me. Living a lie made me feel constantly on guard; it was exhausting thinking that at any moment I could be called out for being phony.

    Because I never allowed myself to be who I really was, I felt more alone than ever. Nobody understood me, and I didn’t think anyone really loved me. How could they? They didn’t even know me. Heck, I didn’t even know myself.

    The hole inside kept getting bigger, and by thirteen years old I started filling it with drugs and alcohol. I spent the next twenty years of my life using my addiction to numb the feelings of loneliness and fear, a fear that I wouldn’t be accepted if I wasn’t what others expected.

    I attracted men who didn’t care about me because I didn’t care about myself. I got taken advantage of in so many relationships, including my career, because I didn’t think I was worthy of respect. I took what I would get, and I was getting what I was giving. My world was responding to who I believed I was.

    It wasn’t until I found sobriety in a fellowship and started my spiritual journey that I began to love myself for the first time in my life. I removed alcohol, and what was left was emptiness. I had a lot of space to fill (that hole in my heart was thirty-six years big), and I got to work.

    I started meditating and looking inside myself instead of looking for acceptance from others.

    I stopped observing other people and looked at my part in every situation that brought me anger, sadness, or anxiety.

    I worked on cleaning out all the resentments I had built over the years and forgiving the people who had hurt me.

    Most importantly, I forgave myself for not believing I was worthy.

    I learned that nothing anyone does or says about me has anything to do with me. They’re acting out their own feelings based on the perceptions they’ve obtained through their own life experiences. I learned to let go and breathe.

    For the first time in my life I felt comfortable being me. Through practicing self-love, I was able to spread true, unconditional love to others, and it started to come back, twofold. The relationships and people I attracted in my life were different. They were more meaningful and loving because they were meant for me.

    Everything I do today has feeling behind it. I no longer have to defend myself because I live with integrity. I know my intentions, and I’m able to see that we’re all living our own battles. When I started to see things with compassionate glasses, I realized how my experiences could help others.

    I also learned that I do have interests! I like to read, write, and hike. I love meditation and helping others. By stuffing who I was inside, I was keeping the world from an amazing human being with so much to give.

    My people-pleasing character defect turned into an asset—instead of needing love and approval, now I love hard. I give my heart without conditions and expectations. I no longer live in fear that people won’t like me. I’ve attracted people who love me for who I am, because that’s who they see.

    The more I accepted myself, the more I started to realize I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t the only one who felt like they would never find their place in this world.

    It had taken me thirty-six years to realize that so many people are dealing with social anxiety and feel unworthy. I know I’m not the only one who was living a life they believe someone else wanted for them. So many of us are lacking the self-love to show the world who we really are.

    Not everyone understands me, but that’s okay! I no longer feel the need for everyone to like me. I don’t crave love and acceptance because it’s already in me. I’m full of it. It pours out to the people around me. It’s like one of those self-powered waterfalls. It flows to everything and everyone around me, and then comes right back around.

    I finally realized that as long as I accept myself (whoever “I” am), everything that was meant for me would come into my life.

    The most important thing I’ve learned so far on this beautiful journey of life is to follow my heart, to listen and pay attention to what my body is telling me.

    If something makes me unhappy, I investigate why and remove myself from that situation. Likewise, if something makes me feel good, I pay attention and gravitate toward that.

    I believe we’re all born with innate gifts and talents that allow us to help each other grow. When we do what feels right, we find out what those talents are.

    I no longer compare myself to others. Instead, when I’m unhappy, I look at my part in the situation and what I need to do to change it. I ask myself what I can do to be a kinder, more compassionate person. Every perceived win and loss is an opportunity to share our experience with someone else later.

    Whether you want to find your life purpose, or just be happy and fulfilled, you don’t have to go searching. It’s already in you. Just get in tune with your inner self and watch yourself blossom.

    Notice what brings you joy or anxiety and adjust your path accordingly. Finding happiness really is that simple; we, as humans, make it difficult.

    Being yourself is the greatest gift you can give this world because you never know when someone might need the real you.

    We don’t have to “fit in.” We just have to follow our hearts and love unconditionally. When we do that, the world fits around us.

  • 10 Creative Ways to Express Gratitude

    10 Creative Ways to Express Gratitude

    Thank you

    “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” ~William Arthur Ward

    It’s probably no surprise to you that gratitude is one of the most effective ways to increase your own happiness—and the happiness of others. But did you know that practicing gratitude can also make you healthier, less stressed, and more optimistic? Plus, it’s even been shown to have positive effects on your career and relationships.

    Gratitude is clearly a worthwhile practice, and there are tons of wonderful resources online (even here on Tiny Buddha!) filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas for practicing thankfulness.

    Whether it’s writing in a gratitude journal, sending out a thankful note, or saying “thank you” to people you love, there are countless ways to express appreciation and thankfulness.

    Embracing gratitude might not be so difficult when things are going well, but over the past few years I’ve discovered just how powerful gratitude can be when going through a difficult time.

    After a lifetime of perfectly good health, last autumn I was unexpectedly faced with the challenge of having four surgeries. As someone who battles with extreme anxiety when it comes to anything medical (especially needles!), the prospect of surgery terrified me.

    During this difficult time, I was so fortunate to have friends, family members, and even strangers treat me with kindness, love, and compassion—something that I know wasn’t always easy, given my panicky state of mind!

    One of the ways I coped with my anxiety was transferring my attention from my apprehension to appreciation. Every time I found myself dwelling on my fears, I asked myself: What can I be thankful for? Who can I thank today?

    While I won’t deny that four surgeries (and tons of bed rest!) was an unpleasant experience, it did give me the opportunity to have a life-changing revelation: expressing gratitude can be a transformative experience.

    The more I focused on being thankful (and expressing that gratitude), the less time I had to ruminate on my worries.

    Being thankful not only helped me to better cope with my worries, but expressing my appreciation to others helped me to strengthen my relationships with my friends, family members, and even my surgeon!

    Whether you’re in the midst of one of life’s highs or one of it’s lows, you have a great deal to gain from taking your appreciation and sharing it with the world. Here are some of my favorite ideas for doing just that:

    1. Like every post on friends’ social media feeds

    Pressing a button to like a post might seem like a small thing, but in our digital age, this tiny act can be a great—and easy!—way to express gratitude.

    Silly as it might sound, those little notifications can mean a lot to some people and, unless you actively disagree with what’s being conveyed in the post, why not show your appreciation for the person who shared it by giving it a thumbs-up or a heart?

    2. Forgive someone who has hurt you

    Forgiveness might not sound directly connected to gratitude, but when you forgive someone who has hurt you (with or without an apology), what you’re essentially doing is expressing gratitude for the experience and for the opportunity to experience compassion for someone else.

    Forgiveness, mind you, does not condone the wrongdoing. It merely offers you a chance to free yourself from resentment and anger, which is a way to love yourself.

    3. Connect two friends who might like each other

    Friendships are one of life’s greatest gifts, and what better way to express gratitude for them than to help create more positive relationships?

    If you think two friends might hit it off (either romantically or platonically), introduce them to one another. This is a great way to not only express your gratitude for friendship in general, but also to show these two people that you love and value them.

    4. Donate clothing to your local homeless shelter

    How many articles of clothing to you have that you don’t actually wear? If you sort through your closet and drawers, you’ll probably find tons of items you no longer need to keep.

    Choosing to donate these items to those in need is not only a kind thing to do, but also a way of express gratitude for the time you were able to wear those clothes, for those who made the clothes, and for the opportunity to pass them along to someone in need.

    5. Make and share a list of someone’s good traits

    Do you ever have those moments when you look at a friend or loved one and think about how amazing they are? Don’t keep those thoughts to yourself!

    Every time you notice something wonderful about someone else, write it down. When you have a nice little list gathered, share it with him or her to express how thankful you are for his or her wonderful traits.

    6. Share your positive reviews with others

    More often than not, when people take time to speak to a manager at a shop or restaurant or write an online review, it’s because they’ve had a bad experience and want to vent about it. But imagine what it would be like if people shared every positive they had with a product or service!

    The next time someone is helpful or you enjoy a product, tell others about your experience. Leaving positive reviews and telling managers about positive employees is a fantastic way to express gratefulness.

    7. Put your phone away when you’re with people

    One of the absolute best ways to express your gratitude for others is by doing your best to be fully present in their presence.

    This is not always easy (especially with all of the digital distractions!), but try your hardest to put your phone away when you’re interacting with others. Doing so will allow you to be more appreciative of the experiences you have with them.

    8. Write a handwritten letter (not just a note!)

    You’re hopefully no stranger to the thank you note. A handwritten thank-you is one of the most impactful ways to express gratitude in an era when most people simply jot off an email or a text. But when was the last time you wrote a letter to express you gratitude?

    Break out that loose leaf paper, a pen, and take some time write a full-page letter to a loved one, expressing your gratitude for everything they’ve done for you.

    9. Pick up and throw away litter when you see it

    Big picture gratitude is something that’s often ignored when thankfulness is discussed, but if you’re not spending time appreciating, and caring for, the world around you, you’re missing out on a great gratitude opportunity.

    One simple and effective way to express appreciation for the world is to pick up and dispose of litter whenever you see it. It’s a small act, but if we all did it, the world would be a much better (and cleaner!) place.

    10. Teach someone about something new

    We all have unique skills and talents. Whether it’s something small (like mastering Snapchat) or big (like fully comprehending how quantum physics works), we all have knowledge we can share with others.

    Sharing what we know allows us not only to show appreciation for others (after all, we value them enough to teach them something), but it also is a chance for us to be grateful for our personal knowledge and skills (and for the ways we were able to learn them).

    —

    Whether you choose to express gratitude using one of these creative gratitude tips or all ten, it’s my hope that they’ve inspired you in some way to think outside the box when it comes to showing appreciation for the people and experiences in your life.

    Gratitude is one of the greatest ways to make your world a happier place, and the more you practice it, the more things you’ll find to be grateful for.

    —

    Editor’s Note: Dani has generously offered to give two sets of her two new books, Gratitude and Living in the Moment, to Tiny Buddha readers. To enter to win a free set, leave a comment below sharing something you’re grateful for. For an extra entry, share this post on one of your social media pages and include the link in your comment. You can enter until midnight, PST, on Friday, September 16th.

    Update: The winners for this giveaway are marleyposh and Siege Htrowsdloh.

  • Choose to Shine: Your Smile Is More Powerful Than You Think

    Choose to Shine: Your Smile Is More Powerful Than You Think

    Beautiful black girl with her chalked drawing

    “Shine like the whole Universe is yours.” ~Rumi

    I had a revolutionary experience at a grocery store. Yes, a grocery store. I’ll never forget that day.

    I believe that some of the most mundane and unimportant places I’ve visited have been the bedrock of my spiritual growth.

    There is so much to witness at a store: people frantically trying to load up for the weekend, elderly in their motorized carts, people in line glued to their smart phones, and then of course the workers that 90% of the time seem achingly miserable and sad.

    It was like any other day as I stepped foot into my local store to pick up up a few essentials.

    I was walking in with the intention of getting some food for the week and ended up walking out with so much more.

    Once inside, I saw a man standing at the front of the store with the biggest smile on his face. It was as bright as the sun. It was the kind of joy that you could easily tell was radiating from within.

    I did what I habitually do: looked him in the eye, smiled, and called him by his name. As I grabbed my cart and glanced back up, I stopped dead in my tracks.

    I had a huge rush of awareness: No one was noticing this man. Not a single person in my ten-minute stare down paid attention to him. No one.

    He waved, with a big ole grin, to every single soul that entered the store. You see, his job was to acknowledge every person that walked through the front door. He was the “greeter” at a local store, and the best darn one I’ve ever seen.

    This immediately fueled anger inside of me. It was as if he was invisible.

    Why was no one seeing this man? Why didn’t they wave back—say hi, and enjoy his presence?

    Why? Why? Why?

    I wanted to stand right up there with him, get in people’s faces, and make them see us. But instead, I took a breath and allowed myself to get calm and centered before I did anything.

    I decided to shift my attention to the entrance to actually see who was walking inside.

    First, I noticed a businessman that kept glancing at his watch; it looked like he was in a real hurry. Who knows—he may have been late picking up donuts for his next meeting (that he was running).

    Next, I observed a mother who had a cart full of kids that were kicking and screaming. She was rummaging through her purse; I bet it was hard to find that grocery list while managing to keep “all arms and legs inside of a moving vehicle.”

    She may have even been a single mom, and her only option was to take them with her (hardest job in the world—I watched my mom raise five).

    I then witnessed a couple who seemed to have been so in love that even if the greeter was standing there with a sign that had their names in bright red, they still wouldn’t have seen.

    They encapsulated my attention all together. I just love seeing love, and my heart skips a beat seeing others that love each other so much, they live in worlds of their own. Smiling into one another’s eyes, how could they possibly have noticed him?

    Soon after I stopped watching, I turned my attention back to the greeter. He was an unbelievable man.

    It didn’t matter who walked through the door, or what baggage they were bringing with them—he treated each of them the same. He was so awake to life, so kind and conscious to the real meaning of love (little did he know).

    His arms were open, ready to pour into anyone, no matter who they were. Even though he was being ignored.

    I learned an incredible lesson that day, or lessons, I should say. And I’ll never forget these simply yet mighty realizations that are now imparted into my everyday life.

    On days when I find myself judging others, and when my patience is awfully low, I think of this man. On days when I feel unappreciated and unnoticed, I think of him too.

    I remember that he gave of himself, without any expectation of return. I remember how his smiled wasn’t dependent on if others smiled back.

    I think of how his joy radiated from the inside out and how others, including me, were still affected by his actions, even if it didn’t seem so.

    So that “greeter” is perhaps the embodiment of truth. This is what life is about: giving others the benefit of the doubt, because you make mistakes too. Understanding other people’s suffering instead of judging them, because you have suffered also.

    I would encourage you to wake up to the world around you and realize that people are simply doing the best that they can. They really are.

    Next time you feel the temptation to judge others for what you can only see on the outside, try seeing it from another angle.

    Attempt to contemplate what they may be going through or the suffering you may not be able to see on the surface. Pass a silent blessing onto them and try to see yourself in them.

    This will happen to you. You will show love and get nothing in return. You will smile and not get one back. You might even be completely ignored. You’ll open your heart and people will pass you by.

    At the end of the day, it’s not about how others receive you or what adversity you may face; it’s about one thing and one thing only: choosing to shine your light anyway.

    I truly believe that the Universe can be ours, if we can see things from the whole and complete oneness. In a world that seems to be full of hate, rage, and anger, we must never forget that we are all in this together.

  • A Surprising Way to Let Go of Painful Feelings and the Past

    A Surprising Way to Let Go of Painful Feelings and the Past

    “We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present.” ~Marianne Williamson

    I’ve struggled with it.

    Letting go, I mean. I’ve struggled with moving on from my past. I’ve struggled with ridding myself of guilt, shame, and grief. I’ve struggled with freeing myself from mistakes, past relationships, and worries about the future.

    It’s not that I haven’t tried. Believe me, I’ve tried really hard. I’ve written goodbye letters, mentally cut the energetic cords, and fiercely gone back into the pain to free myself fully from it. I’ve cried my eyes out, talked about it, and brought it to my meditation pillow.

    What I’ve tried has helped to some extent, but not completely. So, instead of moving on I’ve felt stuck between my past and my future. You know, like in limbo. And that’s not the place to set up camp; both you and I know that.

    It’s frustrating because I’m fully aware of the importance of letting go and moving on. I know that attachment is the reason we suffer. I know that past pain, anger, and resentment holds us back. I know that holding on to the unwanted blocks the wanted from coming in.

    Letting go is essential. But, it’s not always easy to apply theory to practice. If you’ve also struggled with it, here’s another approach that has helped me to truly let go and move on.

    Why Letting Go is Hard

    First of all, everything is energy. Our thoughts and feelings emit a vibration, and what we send out to the world is what we receive back. This isn’t some woo-woo thing—it’s quantum physics (source).

    That means that whatever we give our attention to—wanted or unwanted—grows. If you focus on happiness, joy, and satisfaction, you’ll experience more of that. If you focus on pain, regret, and guilt, you’ll experience more of that.

    Just think about it, have you ever tried to rid yourself of stress, only to have found yourself getting more stressed, especially when you knew you shouldn’t stress? Or have you told yourself to stop worrying, only to have found more things to worry about?

    Mother Theresa knew about this. She said, “I was once asked why I don’t participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I’ll be there.”

    An anti-war demonstration focuses on war, which triggers feelings such as frustration, anger, and hopelessness. A pro-peace rally, on the other hand, focuses on peace.

    The same goes for letting go. Unless you’re able to truly let it go—meaning that you withdraw your attention completely from it—you’re more likely to focus on the unwanted and thus draw more of that into your life.

    Step 1: Say “yes” to what is.

    You cannot reject or push against the unwanted. You cannot focus on a problem and find the solution. Because the solution is never where the problem is. So, you need to shift focus.

    You shift focus by first accepting what is. If you want to let go of shame, start by first accepting that you’re feeling shameful. Don’t argue with your thoughts and feelings. Don’t resist them. Don’t try to push them away. Instead, give them permission to exist.

    As Eckhart Tolle said, “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.” To reach complete acceptance, spiritual teacher Bentinho Massaro suggests a technique where you agree with your limiting and hurtful thoughts.

    For example, to accept guilt over something that happened, tell yourself, “Yes, I’m guilty.” If you struggle with forgiveness, tell yourself, “Yes, that’s right, I can’t forgive this person.”

    This doesn’t mean that what you’re saying is true. Instead, it’s a tool to control negative thoughts and emotions so they don’t control you. By agreeing with them, the battle between you and them ends. When there’s nothing more to argue about, they lose their power over you. Touché.

    Step 2: Let in instead of letting go.

    Once you’ve reached a place of complete acceptance, you can move on to the second step.

    This is about inviting the new.

    Letting go can easily trigger fear. When you leave something behind and don’t know what to replace it with, you leave space for the unknown. Change is always scary, especially when you don’t know what’s coming next. That’s why you might find yourself clinging to the unwanted because that’s what’s familiar and known to you.

    To make sure that doesn’t happen, consciously decide what’s coming next. Let in instead of letting go. Rather than pushing away the unwanted, invite the wanted.

    When I left my corporate job in search of a higher calling, I battled with shame. Shame for stepping off the beaten path, for making a controversial choice, and for not having a clear path in front of me.

    It was when I finally stopped fighting shame that I was able to see clearly. That’s when I could invite curiosity to join me instead. Curiosity did the exact opposite of shame; it helped me see the opportunities, not pitfalls, of the unknown and taking the road less traveled.

    If you want to let go of anxiety and self-doubt, invite peace and confidence. If you want to let go of a past relationship, invite a new loving relationship. If you want to let go of the lazy and dull version of yourself, invite an active and energetic version of you.

    This can be done step by step. For example, let’s say that you want to move on from an ex-love. Maybe your focus isn’t on attracting a new partner directly, but rather on inviting a happier, healthier, and more loving version of yourself. Then once you feel ready, you can invite in the relationship you long for.

    Focus On What You Desire

    It’s frustrating to replay mistakes over and over in your mind. It’s frustrating to cling to things from the past. It’s frustrating when you try really hard, but are unable to move on. Not only does that taint your future, it also steals the joy from this present moment.

    Instead of trying harder to let go, accept fully where you are. Embrace it completely. Say yes to all worry, shame, and guilt. Confirm all the negative thoughts and feelings so that you can release yourself from their grip. Simply, give up the battle.

    Then, invite what you desire. Imagine, visualize, and fantasize what you’d love to have instead in your life. Tony Robbins said, “Where focus grows, energy flows.” Focus on the wanted, not the unwanted.

    You got this!

  • The Self-Analysis Trap: Stop Dissecting Your Every Thought and Action

    The Self-Analysis Trap: Stop Dissecting Your Every Thought and Action

    Monkey Mind

    “Explanation separates us from astonishment, which is the only gateway to the incomprehensible.” ~Eugene Ionesco

    We are taught from a very young age that it is our responsibility to reflect on the motives behind our actions and behaviors. From the time we can form sentences, we are asked the questions: “Why did you make that choice?” and “What made you do that?”

    These questions often follow bad behavior and punishment. Our parents were trying to teach us, with the best of intentions, that we are responsible for our own actions.

    This is a necessary lesson for young children, who are discovering their autonomy and the consequences of their behavior in a social world.

    To a certain point, we should be held responsible for our actions, by others and ourselves. A conscientious person practices self-reflection and recognizes the origin and causes of thoughts and feelings when possible.

    But for some of us, myself included, it feels like every thought and behavior needs to be analyzed.

    Self-reflection, rumination, and justification fill my day and keep me up late at night. In order to maintain a sense of self-control and discipline, I dissect every emotion I feel and every action I take, all the while building a psychological narrative for my life.

    For a long time, my drive to understand my behavior was an asset. I could explain my actions and thoughts more maturely than other kids, and adults prided me on my reflective nature.

    When I was younger, I was blessed with mental health. Because my mind was functioning correctly and promoting the right behaviors and feelings, it was easy for me to explain and justify my actions. For the most part, they were appropriate and positive.

    If I did act slightly out of line or overreact to a situation, I could assemble a psychological justification for it. Whether I dipped into parental relationships, miniature traumas from kindergarten, or a mere misunderstanding, I always managed to justify my behavior with sound psychological reasoning.

    I thought of myself as my own personal therapist, totally capable of unearthing the intricate details of my inner psyche.

    I perceived myself to be in total control of my feelings and my life. My brain was subject to my willpower. Most importantly, I was never at a loss when asked the question: “Why did you do that?”

    The summer after I turned sixteen, my mental health began to unravel. I began to use my copious willpower and self-control to lose some weight and increase my fitness level.

    At first, I did have control of my weight loss, and my brain’s intentions lined up with my conscious goals. I looked great, I felt great, and I hadn’t faltered a single day in my diet and exercise routine.

    Then, some time in August, my weight-loss spiraled out of control. I became more restrictive and ramped up my exercise. My behavior, once a matter of conscious decision, was inexplicable to me. The thoughts in my head, centered on weight loss and extreme exercise, were loud and unintelligible to me.

    For a while, I kept these thoughts quiet, telling myself that I would soon get control of my brain. I didn’t want to admit to myself or others that I had lost control of my thoughts and feelings.

    I felt weak and stupid because I couldn’t understand my own behavior, and I felt the need to punish myself for failing to comprehend my mental state. Unfortunately, the easiest way for me to punish myself was to lose more weight and push myself even harder in my exercise.

    My parents and other adults in my life did notice that I was losing weight, and asked me what was going on.

    I cycled through faulty lines of logic—school stress, loneliness, a desire to be “healthy” taken too far—but I knew that none of these explanations was entirely correct. I would tell those around me that I had finally figured out the true root of my restrictive eating, only to continue the next day.

    Nearly a year after this began, one of my favorite teachers suggested that we have a talk about my mental health. I told him about the craziness of the past year, and came clean with the fact that I didn’t understand my own mind anymore. I apologized profusely, waiting for him to question me about my social, emotional, and academic life to find answers.

    Instead, he told me something I will never forget:

    “Avery, you don’t have to understand. No one can really understand everything that they say or do. We aren’t supposed to figure everything out, because life is messy and not everything can be analyzed and justified. Some things are just incomprehensible.”

    Some things are just incomprehensible. Hearing this lifted a huge weight from my shoulders. It was okay to rest in a state of unknowing, to breathe, even in the midst of confusion.

    After this conversation, I was finally able to accept that my brain is only partially open to my conscious analysis. I can justify some of my actions, but sometimes I will feel or think certain things that can’t be rationally explained. I realized that I am allowed to understand only a fraction of what it means to be human.

    In lieu of our talk, I stopped trying to justify my behavior, and instead focused on what I could control: my reaction to my thoughts and feelings. When thoughts enter my head, I can decide how to respond to them, even if I can’t understand where they came from or why they are surfacing in the moment.

    Paradoxically, accepting that I do not and cannot justify all of my thoughts and behaviors has been the single most important step in recovering my weight and my mental health.

    I no longer need to punish myself for failing to understand. I can love myself without absolutely knowing myself, just the way I love others without understanding their every thought and action.

    At first, when talking to my family and friends, I expected them to be disappointed in me when I confessed that I couldn’t make sense of my feelings and behavior. Amazingly, the opposite happened: People felt closer to me than ever before, and found me more relatable because I too struggled to understand myself.

    The truth is, none of us will ever fully grasp the origin and cause of our every thought, feeling, and action. Neurologically speaking, we actually aren’t supposed to; scientists now know that we can only infer and predict many of our actions, just as we predict the actions of others based on limited information.

    Letting go of our constant self-analysis and rationalization is scary at first for people like me, who take pride in self-control and reflection.

    However, by accepting that you cannot know or explain your whole self, you liberate yourself from the constant burden of rumination. You are free to control what you can control—your reactions to thoughts—and to let the rest come and go.

    Next time you ask yourself, or someone asks you, “Why did you do that?” you have the right to say, “I don’t know” if the answer truly eludes you.

    Of course, in some situations, it will be necessary to get to the root of a problem, especially when dealing with relationships. Even so, you have the right to not know yet; some feelings and habits can only be understood with time and distance.

    It’s okay to tell others that you need time and space to process your thoughts, and that, for the time being, you cannot offer a succinct explanation.

    They say that the only thing as complicated as the universe is the human brain. Both are chaotic, awe-inspiring, rife with contradictions, and impossible to fully comprehend. That is what makes them, and, by extension, life, so exciting and beautiful.

  • Healing from Heartache: How to Ease the Pain

    Healing from Heartache: How to Ease the Pain

    “Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.” ~Max Ehrmann 

    If you looked at your broken heart and allowed for tenderness, you would feel better. Maybe not completely better, but there would be a softening. Compassion for yourself is soothing. When our hearts are aching, we need all the soothing we can get.

    If you looked at your broken heart from the perspective of the loving mother within you, you would see that the only thing you need right now is gentle care. You need to wrap your arms around yourself and let everything be exactly as it is. When we fight what is, the pain only grows stronger.

    When people who seek growth go through heartbreak, we want to fight through it when we just need to let it all go. We need to sob, we need to hold ourselves, and we need to tell ourselves we’re okay. That’s what it means to show up for yourself when you really need it. That’s self-love.

    I struggled hard in my last breakup. I reopened the deep wound and falsity that I was worthless without his love.

    I am someone who teaches self-love. None of us are immune to our entire realities being transformed with the flip of a switch.

    I fell into a deep depression. I was so far away from feeling my own love that my system felt like it was shutting down. And it was. I wasn’t eating, barely sleeping, and I relived everything in my head. Nothing in my life felt good. It was horrible.

    You can’t solve the pain of your heartbreak with your mind. The mind wants everything to feel better, and it will do everything it can to figure out a solution that makes the pain end fast. That’s its job. Unfortunately for us, it will do so at the expense of what’s best for us.

    You’re going through pain for a reason. We learn our greatest lessons through pain. Do yourself a favor and feel it and be with it, and give yourself compassion to help ease it up until you get through.

    Because if you don’t, you’re going to run from it. You’re going to make some decisions that aren’t in alignment with who you are really here to be. You might avoid the pain by jumping back into a relationship, or with food, alcohol, or drugs. And then at some point in the future, this will happen all over again. Because you haven’t learned your lesson. You haven’t truly healed.

    This is the biggest thing we forget when we’re in pain:

    It’s going to get better if we’re easy on ourselves.

    It’s so simple, but it’s the thing I kept forgetting over and over again. I would default to my mind, finding myself analyzing the past or mourning the future. There was some unconscious belief that all my thinking was doing something, benefitting me in someway. Instead, it was perpetuating my suffering.

    Eventually I would exhaust myself to depletion. I would sob and think and sob and hope for the pain to go away, and the pain only got worse and worse until it felt inescapable and overwhelming. And from this exhausted and overwhelmed place, something within me rose up. I began to do what I call “mothering myself.”

    I told myself, “It’s okay. I’m here. It’s going to be okay. Everything is okay. Just relax. Just lie here and rest. Don’t worry about anything. It’s all okay.” I cradled myself in my own arms. I gave myself exactly what I needed: love.

    I could give you a list of additional things to do, acts of self-care to lift you out of your broken spirits, but the truth is that when you’re in the depths of despair, this is the only thing you have to focus on to life yourself up.

    When you “mother yourself” enough by being kind and compassionate toward yourself, things begin to get better. It’s really how it happens.

    You are allowing it to be okay. You are giving yourself love. And it starts to be okay. Your judgment is gone. Your pain eases, even if just a little. And when you’re in a ton of pain, just a little ease makes all the difference.

    From that place you will start to give yourself things you need. You’ll begin to nourish your body more because you will be feeling just slightly better.

    You’ll keep telling yourself it’s okay, and you’ll find yourself doing some gentle yoga.

    You’ll keep on telling yourself everything is okay, and you’ll be curled up in bed with a good friend, laughing at a funny movie.

    The natural process of healing happens when we just keep giving ourselves love.

    Once you walk through the most intense part of this painful process, you will have a beautiful opportunity to get to know an amazing soul: you. You will not walk out the other side the same person. I know that’s scary, but trust me, you will like who you are so much more.

    I am six months out of a devastating breakup, and I’m taking the time to get to know myself. I’m not the person I was before or during the breakup. I have grieved deeply, gotten myself utterly lost, found some way to give myself compassion through it all, and now I am enjoying getting to know this new me that is emerging. And I love her so much already.

    When we’re heartbroken we don’t need our minds to tell us stories to make us feel better. We only need our hearts to open and to show ourselves compassion.

    Any time you find yourself in despair, in depression, in immense pain, look within. Are you living in your head or your heart?

    When you feel so deeply that the pain is overwhelming and you can see no clear way out, remember this. Write this down. Post it by your bed. Pull your chin up, force your eyes open, and read these words:

    It’s okay. I’m here. It’s going to be okay. Everything is okay. Just relax. Just lie here and rest. Don’t worry about anything. It’s all okay. 

    Everything always gets better. That is the truth. You are a shining soul deep within a body that is here to do great things. You are here to experience shimmering love, heart-aching laughter, and so much joy.

    So it’s your responsibility to take care of yourself. That means you don’t get to bully yourself when you’re in pain. You don’t get to judge yourself for where you’re at. It’s your responsibility to show up for yourself in these moments when you need yourself the most.

    And right now, you’re in pain. And that’s okay. Because it will get better if you’re just easy on yourself.

  • How to Stop Measuring Your Worth in Achievements

    How to Stop Measuring Your Worth in Achievements

    “The better you feel about yourself, the less you feel the need to show off.” ~Robert Hand

    The first vivid memory I have of anxiety is when I was only seven years old. I sat in math class, gripped with fear that I wouldn’t get a perfect score on my test. If I got even one answer wrong, I would feel worthless.

    This striving for achievement followed me all the way through college. I not only graduated with a 4.0 grade point average, but I had an impressive Curriculum Vitae filled with awards, extra curricular activities, publications, honor societies, and more. Each time I added something to my list of achievements, I felt a surge of worthiness.

    Yet, this satisfaction with myself didn’t last long. Soon, I was on to the next task to prove to myself (and others) that I am worthy. 

    I fell into the same trap in graduate school: commuting each night, taking extra classes, making all A’s, working a part-time job—until the panic attacks hit. I couldn’t control my brewing anxiety anymore, and I developed debilitating panic disorder and agoraphobia. I could barely function, so I made the decision to drop out of my graduate courses.

    I believe the panic attacks were my body’s and mind’s way of screaming out for help. Their way of saying, “I’ll make you stop since you won’t listen,” of letting me know that perfection isn’t healthy or possible.

    During those anxiety-ridden days, the panic made it impossible for me to live a successful life according to my previous definitions. Suddenly, my biggest accomplishment was simply making it through the day or going to the grocery store alone. I felt antsy and worthless without academics or a steady job.

    I was forced to redefine my ideas of self-worth. I realized that chasing my worth based on one accomplishment after another was making me miserable.

    I had to learn that my worth runs so much deeper than what I can prove through achievement. I had to learn that I am worthy simply because I exist, and nothing more.

    Here are four ways that I have started overcoming the need to base my worth on accomplishments.

    1. Make a list of all the things you love about yourself that have nothing to do with achievement.

    This may sound silly or trivial, but making a list of the things you adore about yourself is actually a lot harder than you’d think. The first time I sat down to write this list, nothing came to mind that wasn’t linked to my accomplishments.

    Slowly, I opened up to the fact that I love how genuinely good-hearted I am. I’m compassionate and sensitive, and I love that about myself. I love that I’m a good listener. I love that I’m soft-spoken and not confrontational. From there, the list just kept flowing.

    If you have a difficult time with this, it can be helpful to ask your loved ones to write a list of all the things they love about you. This can be a wonderful way to remind you that you are more than what you do.

    2. Redefine your idea of success.

    Recently, I felt twinges of worthlessness as I perused social media and found that my peers were accomplishing seemingly great things in their high-paying, full-time jobs. They looked successful, and I felt very unsuccessful teaching my low-paying yoga classes and publishing my writing for free.

    But then I stopped and asked myself what a successful life would look like to me. For me, a successful life would be spending the day doing things I love. It would be having loving relationships that teach me and help me grow. It would be making a positive impact, however small, with my work. Success doesn’t have to mean money or recognizable accomplishment.

    After I defined what success looks like to me, I realized I’m already living that life. I spend my days teaching yoga and writing, the two things I absolutely love to do. I have beautiful relationships. I’m making a positive impact with my teaching and my words.

    As I was busy chasing some unattainable dream of success, I didn’t realize I had it all along.

    When you find yourself gripped with unworthiness, ask yourself what success would look like to you, and you alone. Are there ways in which you’re already living a successful life, based on your own definition? The answers might surprise you.

    3. Meditate on the part of you that never changes.

    When I was going through my yoga teacher training, I came across this idea in Nicolai Bachman’s The Path of the Yoga Sutras, and my heart skipped a beat. Meditate on the part of you that never changes.

    This meant the part of me that stayed the same whether I got a good grade, or I failed a test. The part of me that will stay the same whether I win an award, or I’m housebound with agoraphobia.

    As I meditated on this idea, I came to realize that the part of me that never changes is pure love. There is a space of infinite love, peace, and understanding that has been with me all along.

    Chasing validation of my worth through outside, visible accomplishments had only served to take me further away from the fact that I am love. Achievements don’t change, and never will change, who I am at my core.

    4. Practice unconditional self-love.

    A light bulb went off in my head while I was playing with my dog recently. I love that little rascal inside and out, and he doesn’t have to do a single thing to deserve it or be worthy of my love.

    It’s the same with babies. Babies don’t try to prove themselves to you. They don’t have to accomplish something in order for you to love them. You love them unconditionally simply because they exist.

    What if you didn’t have to do anything or prove anything to be worthy of your own love? What if you deserved your own unconditional love, just like you give to your pets or to your children?

    Practice extending unconditional love to yourself by forgiving yourself when you’re not perfect, and recognizing that you deserve love no matter what you achieve.

    Letting go of perfectionism and the need to base our worth on external validation is a continual process. But, with time, we can begin to shed our layers of conditioning that taught us we are not worthy, and see ourselves for the beautifully deserving beings we are.

  • “Nice” Isn’t a Compliment: Letting Go of the Need to Please

    “Nice” Isn’t a Compliment: Letting Go of the Need to Please

    Timid girl

    “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” ~Brene Brown

    When I was in the seventh grade, I moved to a new city and started a new school. I was terrified and filled with anxiety about navigating this new world without a single friend. What if no one liked me?

    My first week there, I walked through the cafeteria some when two girls called me over to their table. I breathed a sigh of relief, thinking maybe I would be able to make a friend. I went over smiling my best smile, then they said they wanted to ask me a question.

    One of them smiled sweetly and said, “We were just wondering why you walk around with your nose up in the air. Do you think you’re better than everybody else or something?” They sneered and laughed and proceeded to say a few more hateful things to me that I don’t exactly remember.

    I was crushed. I had never been bullied before, and I had no idea how to deal with this kind of situation. I would like to say that I gathered my strength, stood up to these mean girls, and told them where they could shove it. But I didn’t.

    I felt my face flush with heat and the sting of rejection in my chest. And then I told them I was sorry. For what, I’m not exactly sure, but I sputtered out some awkward apology and waited for them to realize that they had made some sort of mistake, and that I was clearly worth their approval after all. But they just looked at me silently like I had three heads.

    This day stands out to me because I remember distinctly feeling that in order to be accepted, I needed to be different. I needed to be careful and do whatever it took to avoid people disliking me. I was well on my way to becoming a chronic people pleaser.

    Fast-forward twenty-five years, and I still have a habit of unconsciously putting a great deal of my energy into people pleasing. I keep the boat steady, navigating carefully so as to not make too many waves.

    From an early age, I was a hater of conflict and uncomfortable situations, an avoider of angry words.

    It’s in my bones to be a peacekeeper. I have always been soft-spoken and decided early that my voice just wasn’t loud enough to compete with all the yelling. I found it easier to smooth things over, and I learned to how to artfully sugarcoat the rough edges of life.

    I could easily meld myself into the background of things, to be an observer, a non-participant. This is my comfort zone. I have been the one who doesn’t make waves, who doesn’t cause trouble, who doesn’t make anyone upset.

    It’s automatic for me to look for the bright side of things, for the cheer in dark situations. It’s a natural instinct to try to smooth and ease the discomfort of others I am around. And if I can’t smooth it out, I tend to retreat because the thought of jumping into the middle of a conflict is exhausting. Basically, I am the anti-anger.

    This way of being has served me well in so many situations. It has made me objective. It has kept me calm and steady. I am acutely perceptive of the moods of people around me in pretty much any situation. I easily absorb the underlying intricacies of interactions. A true introvert in nature, I find more meaning in silence than in a million spoken words.

    I am grateful for this part of me, which I tend to keep largely private. I am also very aware that most people see me as a really “nice” person. But as more and more people have mentioned how nice I am, I have also realized that for me, this is not a compliment.

    I think about it like this: Is “nice” the legacy I want to leave on this world? Is that what I want to be remembered by someday? That I was “nice”? No. I want more than that.  

    Nice is sweet and accommodating and agreeable. Nice is polite. But nice does not describe what we believe in. It does not indicate where our boundaries are.

    When I think of people I admire the most, some genuinely fantastic human beings come to mind. But in all honesty, most of them are not particularly “nice” people. They have character and integrity. They are compassionate and kind. But that is not the same thing as nice. Compassion and kindness require courage and boundaries. Niceness does not.

    For example, there is a person I work with that I have the utmost admiration for. She is a strong and confident woman. She exudes a sense of grace and integrity. She is straightforward and authentic and very clear about her boundaries. She stands firmly in her own truth. She seems to have very little concern about receiving approval or validation from others.

    She knows who she is and appears completely at ease in her own skin. I am in awe how she seems to move through this world in a way that not only commands respect, but also exudes great compassion and kindness. Now that is what I want to be.

    I have learned that to be sincerely kind and compassionate, we must create strong and clear boundaries for ourselves. Otherwise, being “nice” will ultimately lead to resentment, which is the opposite of compassion. 

    How do we go about shifting this way of being, when we are so programmed to please? It’s a gradual process that sometimes means unlearning the rules we have internalized about being polite. It’s about relaxing into your own authenticity and allowing the world to feel the full weight of you.

    Brené Brown, a personal hero of mine, defines authenticity as “the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we are.” We must find ways to release our chronic need to please, and the courage to reveal our real and vulnerable selves.

    The first step to reclaiming our own authenticity is to recognize when we are losing sight of it. Are you feeling any resentment? For me, resentment is a red flag. It usually means that I have not been clear about my boundaries in some way. It’s my first sign that I have been using too much of my energy worrying about disappointing others.

    Next, take a look at exactly where that resentment is coming from. What boundary have you been unclear about? Is something bothering you about a situation that you have not fully expressed to someone? Have you held your own feelings back in some way, in order to avoid hurting another’s?

    We must get clear with ourselves about what’s okay and what is not okay so that we can be clear in communicating that to others. Only we can decide exactly what we are willing to accept in our lives. We can use this formula to create a dialogue with ourselves. Write it out. Be specific. 

    1. I feel resentful because….

    2. This means I haven’t been clear about something bothering me. Here is the boundary that has been blurred….

    3. Here’s what’s okay with me….

    4. Here’s what is not okay with me….

    Once I work through this process, I usually find that my feelings of resentment and anger are not actually directed at another person. They are toward myself. I feel disappointment in myself for not staying loyal to my own values, for not giving myself the respect that I so freely give out to others.

    I have learned that self-respect, boundaries, and compassion all go hand in hand. It is difficult to have one without another. Avoiding or running from tough situations does not set clear boundaries. Although it is often the more comfortable path, it also tends to breed more resentment and shame.

    Being authentic takes courage. Learning to wade through the discomfort of setting boundaries takes risk. We risk disapproval. We risk being disliked. But I think the risk is worth it if we ultimately find respect for ourselves.

    So join me in striving to reclaim our authenticity. Let’s be brave and real and imperfect. Let’s be compassionate and kind and honest. Because really, aren’t these so much better than the constraints of being “nice”?

  • 4 Things You Need to Know to Have a Strong, Healthy Relationship

    4 Things You Need to Know to Have a Strong, Healthy Relationship

    Senior couple walking on the beach

    “To love is nothing. To be loved is something. But to love and be loved, that’s everything.“ ~T. Tolis

    Relationships are not always easy. If you lack the tools to engage properly with a partner and cannot show up in a healthy way, you will find your relationship is ten times harder and most likely prone to failure.

    I wish I had known these things when I first started dating, as it would have made my life much easier.

    If you want to have a healthy relationship, you must know the following:

    1. How to communicate effectively

    My first love and I were together for four years, and our relationship failed because we could not communicate. I didn’t know how to express myself effectively, and I blamed him for all our problems. I never stopped to think about my part in everything and how I was failing to meet his needs.

    One of the major obstacles couples face, if not the major obstacle, is the ability to communicate properly. I don’t mean talk. I mean communicate. What we often fail to realize is that we talk at each other rather than listening and hearing and trying to understand. Anyone can talk, but not everyone can communicate.

    Communicating means you understand are able to express your needs in a way that can be understood by your partner, and that you try your hardest to understand them and their needs.

    Next time you are with your partner and they are talking, try listening. Sit and listen, and do not try to think of the next thing you are going to say or how you are going to contradict what they are saying. When people feel heard they will be more open to listening to what you have to say.

    If you cannot understand or refuse to try to understand what your partner needs because you are too focused on getting your point across and making sure you are understood, then you are talking and not communicating.

    Do you and your partner talk at each other? Do you always feel the need to be right and win the argument? Even if you win the argument you could lose something much more valuable. Although you may be winning the battle, you will be losing the war.

    It is a known fact that men and women communicate differently. The sooner we all accept this the easier it will be to stop being so frustrated and learn to understand each other.

    Throughout history men and women have had to adapt differently, hence a difference in communication styles.

    Studies have shown that women are able to use both sides of their brains at the same time while men can only use one side at a time. Men are protectors and providers, and their mode of communication is silent problem solving, whereas women are nurturers and we have learned to cope through talking and sharing of experiences.

    There is so much that can be said on this topic, as it’s one of the main reasons relationships fail. Learning how to communicate with your partner will not only serve your relationship, but it will serve you in the workplace and in all human interactions.

    One of my favorite sayings is “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

    A couple of great resources for anyone who wants to learn how to communicate within a couple are John Gray’s books Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus and Couple Skills.

    2. Your love language

    In 1995 Gary Chapman, PhD wrote a book asserting that there are five love languages. He insisted that if you and your partner speak different languages, there will be constant dissatisfaction and unhappiness in your relationship.

    If you are lucky enough to meet someone that has the same love language as you, then great! But, if you do not know your own language and it differs from your partner, how can they know how to make you happy, and vice versa?

    On the other hand, if you don’t know your partner’s love language, how can you make them happy? If theirs is touch and you don’t really like close physical contact, then you may not ever be a match.

    The Five Languages Are:

    Touch

    Some people feel love by being touched. If touch is your love language, you require pats on the back, holding hands, cuddling, and having someone in close proximity to you.

    Receiving Gifts

    Others feel loved by receiving gifts, and not necessarily Tiffany diamonds. Gifts can be flowers or simple tokens of affection, something that shows the person took the time to think about you and pick out or make a gift that you value.

    Quality Time

    If you want someone to give you their undivided attention (even if for short periods), then your love language is quality time. You crave for someone to listen to you, uninterrupted. No T.V. No Phone. You enjoy sharing activities together, and the very act of someone’s company and one-on-one interaction makes you happy.

    Acts of Service

    If you like it when your partner helps around the house because you are super busy, or washes your car or throws in a load of laundry, then Acts of Service is your love language.

    Words of Affirmation

    Everyone needs words of affirmation to some extent, but if you need to hear someone say, “I love you because you are so special” or something that affirms who you are, and if you are highly affected by insults, then words of affirmation is your love language.

    My last boyfriend’s love language was physical touch. Mine is quality time. I always tried to be there for him physically, whether it was holding his hand while he was driving, coming up behind him and giving him a hug while he was shaving, lying next to him, on the couch or even rubbing the back of his neck.

    The problem came in when I told him what my love language was and he had no desire to meet it. If your partner doesn’t care about loving you in a way that you need to be loved, not in the way they need to be loved, you are probably doomed.

    For more information and a test of your love language, you can go to: 5lovelanguages.com.

    3. Your attachment style

    There are three types of attachment. Attachment styles are thought to form from childhood based on parent-child interactions, and as we grow older they can seriously impact our relationships.

    There are studies that explain how the difference in attachment comes about including those performed by American psychologist Harry Harlow.

    One of his studies took baby monkeys away from the mothers soon after birth and placed them with “wire” or “cloth” mothers who gave them nourishment (they were able to feed from a bottle hanging on the side of the cage), but no physical touch, and therefore no nurturing.

    Some were given nourishment from the wire mother, and others were fed from the cloth mother. The study revealed that even if the wire mother was the only source of nourishment, they would cling more often to the cloth mother, which led to the theory that the need for closeness and affection is more than just nourishment or warmth.

    When these baby monkeys became adults, they exhibited strange behavioral patterns, including rocking back and forth. They also had completely abnormal sexual behaviors and misdirected aggression. They often would ignore their own babies until the point where the babies died.

    If you take these theories and apply them to humans, the secure individual would be the monkey that was raised by its normal mother and was given food, cuddling, and warmth. Their needs were met in all ways, and they developed into normal functioning monkeys.

    However, those monkeys that were taken away from the mothers and given only basic nourishment exhibited odd behaviors and were maladapted. By this theory, those of us who had parents who were present physically, but not emotionally, develop one of two attachment styles.

    Of course these styles can run on a continuum, so you can be more of one type than the other. The good news is these behavior patterns can be changed with time and effort and insight.

    Secure

    Secure individuals attached normally. They do not fear isolation or being away from their partner. They are not jealous or insecure. They are able to reason with their partner when differences arise and feel secure in their relationships.

    Over half of the population is considered secure in their attachment style (55-65%), and they will be less likely to be on the dating scene because they do not have emotional and internal conflict when dealing with others.

    Anxious

    Anxious individuals are insecure and distrustful of others. They live in a preoccupied state of push/pull and constantly seek validation from others. They are super sensitive to rejection and can become possessive or clingy causing their partner to push them away thereby reinforcing their distrust.

    Anxious individuals usually had parents who were inconsistent in their attention, behaviors, and affection, which is why they are anxious when a partner retreats, as it leads them to feelings of abandonment and fear.

    Avoidant

    Avoidant individuals do not seek closeness with others. They are emotionally distant with partners and often create a false persona to deal with the world. They are able to shut down their emotions quickly and will be quite ambivalent if you decide to leave them.

    Avoidant individuals usually had parents who were non-responsive, dismissive, and rejecting. They make up approximately 20-30% of the population.

    Unfortunately for the anxious type (as I am), they are often drawn to the avoidant. In general there will be more avoidants in the dating sphere because of their inability to attach, which means they cycle through relationships quickly and are back on the dating scene more than other types.

    I once dated an extremely avoidant man. It was exhausting even dating him. But, of course I loved him, and so I bent over backward to make it work. I constantly sought assurance. He constantly refused to give it.

    What this relationship taught me was how to calm my anxiousness internally. Since I knew he would never do it, I had to find a way to stop the crazy thoughts in my head, and eventually I did.

    There are also ways to learn to cope in a healthier manner if you are dating someone who is anxious or avoidant. A great resource is Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.

    4. Your personality type

    Psychologists Myers and Briggs assert that there are sixteen personality types, which encompass all of human kind. However, some types are more prevalent than others.

    Knowing which personality type you have helps you to understand yourself and your partner. There are too many types to list here, but I can guarantee if you take the test and read the results, they will be spot on.

    Some personality types are a better fit than others, so why not add another tool to your arsenal? For example, studies have shown that extraverted women paired with introverted men are not a good match, and that partners who both share sensing or intuiting will be a better match.

    I’m an INFJ, which is the rarest of all personality types. Because of my intuition, I generally need another N (intuition) type, and I would not do well with an S (sensing) type. Generally, I prefer extraverted partners because I like a little balance to my introverted tendencies.

    Here is a free version.

    I believe that these four things are essential to having a happier, healthier relationship, and knowing them will help you understand yourself and your partner.

    If you don’t have a partner, knowing these tidbits of information will help you choose the right partner, not just any partner. The more you know about yourself and what your needs are, the better equipped you are to seek out a good match.

    Just remember that even if you don’t find your perfect match the first time, it could be because that person is in your life to teach you something, and let that be okay.

  • How to Stop Neglecting and Abusing Your Inner Child

    How to Stop Neglecting and Abusing Your Inner Child

    Inner child

    “Hold the hand of the child that lives in your soul. For this child, nothing is impossible.” ~Paulo Coelho

    You’re probably an abusive parent. Even if you don’t have children.

    In each of us lives an inner child. This child isn’t just a sub-layer of our personality; it’s arguably the real us, the deepest aspect of ourselves.

    Like many people, I’ve been aware of the inner child idea for some time. I thought of the concept mostly as another way of explaining our personal sensitivities or the childish behavior we all are capable of at times. But it’s not that; it’s much more.

    It wasn’t until I thought of my inner child in relation to my actual children that I started to appreciate just how important it is to really take responsibility for this child. I realized, too, just how so many of us mistreat our inner child. Abuse them even. And it’s changed the way I treat myself forever.

    I think of the basic needs of my children. Sleep. Nutrition. Regular praise and encouragement. Physical safety. And of course, love.

    The idea of them not receiving these things causes me a pain that feels almost physical. Sadness and even anger arise in me as their dad.

    And yet, what about my other child? My inner child—the little me?

    I, as my adult self, have just as much responsibility to him as I do my son and daughter. But I, like so many others, have outright failed in my responsibility to him as a supposedly responsible adult.

    I have so often deprived him of sleep, made him go long periods without eating, and failed to keep him adequately hydrated. I have dragged him to work with me and pushed him so hard that he has burned out. I have allowed past girlfriends to abuse him.

    And worst still, I have failed to tell him I love him. I have let him feel unloved, unwanted, and unworthy. Because I was continuing a pattern.

    Like so many people, I had experiences early in my life that communicated to my inner child that he was not enough. For some people, this manifests as a deep-seated, almost silent belief, whispered into the ear of our inner child that says, “You are not good enough,” “You are not wanted,” or “You are not important.” Ultimately, it’s a feeling of being unlovable.

    In my case, this came about from incidents of witnessing and experiencing abusive behavior at home, with my parents’ divorce when I was a five-year-old at the center of it. I later experienced a more subtle emotional neglect by my parents and had experiences with violence.

    But experiences do not have to be this extreme at all. Simply growing up in a home where no one says “I love you” or having parents who never check in with us to find out how we’re doing is more than enough for a tiny person to develop these subtle but powerful beliefs. These experiences don’t even have to be at the hands of our parents; being rejected by friends at a young age can have the same effect.

    When people give the general advice of “take care of yourself,” what they never mention is that if you don’t, you will be failing to care for a child that is dependent on you for safety, security, and love.

    Here are the three general ways I make sure I live up to my responsibility as the sole caretaker of this child…

    Provide the Basics

    Just as I would never let my children go without adequate food, water, and sleep, I now ensure that I extend the same to myself.

    Push yourself in your work and mission; live at your edge to achieve your goals. But don’t do so at the expense of your health. While it’s true that growth rarely comes from times of comfort in our lives, comfort and being cared for are still necessities.

    Ensure you are getting enough sleep. Eat regularly and healthily. Stay hydrated throughout the day. It may not sound so serious, but frame it in terms of providing these basic needs to a child, and you will see how these things equate to essential self-love.

    Give Them Gifts

    Children aren’t “shallow” for liking to receive presents at Christmas or on birthdays. Gifts, in whatever form they may come, are a valid way of giving and receiving love. Everybody loves to be pampered and buy nice things for themselves. Don’t overlook the idea of buying yourself gifts or getting a massage as valid parts of self-work.

    By gifting ourselves regularly, we train ourselves to receive. Many people struggle with accepting gifts and favors, and this often comes from an inability to receive love as a result of our deep feelings of unworthiness.

    At first, gifting ourselves can feel a little shallow. The trick is to not put the emphasis on buying ourselves stuff—the giving—but to focus on the feeling of receiving. By allowing ourselves to open up emotionally to fully accept a gift, we are telling our inner child that they are worthy.

    But at the same time, just as you can spoil a child, it’s important to not make gifting the only way of showing yourself love.

    I have witnessed, many times, people trying to overcompensate for their self-love issues through materialism. So make sure you have the basics covered too, as well as ensuring you…

    Spend Time with Your Inner Child

    We’ve all known, or possibly have been, that child that grew up with everything. They had the nice house and all the latest stuff, but weren’t really happy.

    Maybe their parents weren’t very good at communicating emotions. Or they prioritized their bickering over their children’s happiness. Or perhaps they were just straight up abusive.

    A similar dynamic can occur with our relationship to our inner child. And so it’s important to develop healthy communication with that part of yourself.

    Through visualization, spend time being present with the little you. Allow them to feel your full caring, appreciation, and protectiveness as the responsible adult you.

    In a quiet place, you can envision you, in your adult form, being present with the little you. Maybe you are holding them, sitting them on your lap, or listening to their feelings and needs so you can meet them, instead of ignoring them, as so many of us do.

    You can also spend time stepping into the shoes of your child self and take comfort in experiencing the loving presence and protective qualities of your adult self.

    Feeling as though you were your child-self, allow yourself to be held and comforted by the adult you who has vowed to protect you. Feel the safety, security, and comfort—the unconditional love—that you perhaps were deprived of as a child.

    —

    Treating yourself with this level of respect, care, and unconditional love is some of the deepest and most instantly rewarding self-work one can do. Start today and be sure to share with others this practice when they notice the positive changes in you!