Tiny Buddha

Category: happiness & fun

  • How to Give Yourself and Others the Gift of Happiness

    How to Give Yourself and Others the Gift of Happiness

    People holding hands

    “It is every man’s obligation to put back into the world at least the equivalent of what he takes out of it.” ~Albert Einstein

    My son recently returned home from college with a new demeanor.

    He was helpful, considerate, interested in others, and genuinely happy. The change was a far cry from the boy who had left for college just a few short months before.

    Don’t get me wrong, he has always been a good kid, but up until now he’s been a typical teenager. He was a bit messy, a bit lazy, and if it wasn’t part of his video game he was mostly uninterested.

    So what changed?

    My husband and I began discussing it over dinner. I told him I thought it had a lot to do with the philanthropic efforts of the fraternity he joined. Now instead of playing video games all weekend, he was volunteering at animal shelters and helping the less fortunate by providing physical labor.

    My husband was intrigued. He had always associated philanthropy with money. After all, it’s a word often associated with wealth or large foundations; was it possible for an average person to be philanthropic?

    We began doing research on philanthropy and found that anyone can be philanthropic.

    The word philanthropy actually means “love of humanity.” To be philanthropic means to care, nourish, develop and enhance the human experience.

    Philanthropy is different than charity. The easiest way to explain the difference is that charity takes care of an immediate need, where philanthropy tries to solve a problem.

    Think of it as you can give someone money so that they may buy a meal (charity), or you can teach the person a skill so that they may make a wage and pay for their own meal (philanthropy).

    Research suggests one of the keys to happiness is the act of helping others. It is known as the “helper’s high.” This would explain the change in my son’s personality.

    Medical research into the “helper’s high” phenomenon has shown people who volunteer experience feelings of euphoria. They also found this “high” has possible health benefits that far outreach the act of giving.

    Research suggests people who regularly participate in charities have less pain, sleep better, and have a personal sense of reward and fulfillment.Giving leads to a happier life.

    Philanthropy goes beyond the basics of giving time or money to a cause. It is a foundation that when regularly practiced builds relationships and strengthens self-worth. It is a circular action that builds momentum. We give because it makes us feel good. We feel good because we give.

    Like anything worthwhile in life, there has to be balance. Sometimes too much of a good thing can cause harm. In order to maximize the benefits of philanthropy it’s important to understand how to be a healthy giver.

    Here are five things you should know in order to maximize the benefits of happiness from philanthropy.

    1. Understand philanthropy is selfish.

    Some people find fault in giving to receive, but how else can you give? It’s like eating without satisfying hunger. Yes. We receive and emotional high when we give, but the happiness experienced from giving is natural.

    Some research suggests that you cannot fulfill happiness without giving. Philanthropy is a route to give happiness away in exchange for our own new recharged happiness.

    2. You cannot save the world.

    Some get discouraged because they think too big and their efforts become unrealistic. This can actually have the adverse effect and brings unhappiness. You cannot change the world by yourself, but your efforts, in conjunction with others, can change a life.

    Concentrate on the smaller benefits of giving to maximize the cycle of happiness.

    3. Don’t give to the greatest need unless your heart is in it.

    Only choose causes that speak to your heart. If you love animals, volunteer in a shelter or become a foster home for a kill shelter. If you love children, become a mentor to a high-risk child. The closer your heart is to the cause, the more benefit for your natural cycle of happiness.

    4. Make giving a regular part of your routine.

    Not being consistent in giving your time or money will not increase your happiness. It’s like diet and exercise. If you don’t practice the change consistently, you cannot maximize the benefits.

    Benefits come when relationships form and strengthen over a time of regular giving. This is the best way to see your efforts at work and receive the valuable feedback regarding the difference your efforts make.

    5. Never give too much of yourself to help others.

    Balance is a key in giving just like in all things in life. Never sacrifice your own needs for the needs of others. It’s just like the flight attendant tells you before the plane takes off. Secure your own oxygen before assisting others.

    After seeing the difference giving has made in my son’s life, I’m ready to begin incorporating regular giving into my own life. I hope you join me.

    Do you have a cause that’s close to your heart where you give regularly? How has it made a difference in your life?

    People holding hands image via Shutterstock

  • A Simple 5-Minute Habit That Can Make You Happier

    A Simple 5-Minute Habit That Can Make You Happier

    Smiling Woman

    “Gratitude creates joy—not vice versa.” ~Dr. Brené Brown

    To be blunt, my summer of 2013 sucked. In a matter of months, a tidal wave of stressful events happened and it completely shattered my sense of safety. I was on the verge of a serious depression.

    The summer began with a broken heart. The love of my life, the man I planned to marry, broke up with me and admitted he had wanted to leave for the past year.

    In a matter of minutes, my dreams of starting a family and living happily ever after were crushed. It caught me so off guard I could barely breathe. I quickly moved out of our New York City apartment, crashed on friends’ couches, and started hunting for a second job.

    After a month of couch surfing, I found a small studio to sublet in Brooklyn. Things were starting to look up until I severely sprained my foot two days before moving into the fifth floor walk-up building. In the city where you must walk and climb stairs to get anywhere, it royally sucked.

    The frustrations kept rolling in. My studio apartment had no air conditioning for a couple weeks, two of my credit cards were stolen, and my office job started delivering rounds of layoffs. I started having panic attacks at night and my eye was twitching non-stop.

    Things got worse when my dad got sick. He passed away in July.

    Hanging on by shreds, I turned thirty at the end of the summer. Part of me wanted to throw a tantrum, kick and scream, and give up on life. But I was so exhausted, I just felt numb. So, I busied myself with work and exercise. I’ve always been stubborn, and I refused to fall apart.

    Even though I felt lonely, broken, and disappointed, I had to wonder if the universe was up to something. As tough as it all was, I knew it was up to me to make it better, no matter how “unfair” the circumstances. If I learned one thing while living in NYC, it was 100% up to me to fix my life.

    In perfect timing, I saw a re-run of Oprah’s Lifeclass on TV in September. The episode featured a panel of experts discussing how practicing gratitude offers life-changing relief from emotional pain.

    As if someone dumped a cold glass of water over my head, the show gave me a major wake-up call. I realized I desperately needed to change my story.

    That afternoon I wrote my first daily gratitude list and promised to write ten things I was grateful for every single day moving forward.

    Each day I rode the subway to work and typed up gratitude lists on my smartphone. At first, it was difficult to force my brain to stop complaining and noticing everything that was wrong. So, I started off listing small and simple blessings like air-conditioned trains and a clean bed to sleep in every night.

    It didn’t take more than a few days to realize I was incredibly lucky. I was up to my ears in blessings.

    My gratitude practice deepened over time, with thanks for the loving support of friends, and appreciation for every single lesson I was forced to learn that summer.

    For every loss, I had a gain. I had my health, I was never hungry, and I felt stronger than ever. Those are blessings that millions of people in the world will never have.

    But here’s the part I didn’t expect. The moment I started making gratitude lists, life just got easier. As each day passed, I felt better and, dare I say, blissfully optimistic.

    It got easier to put my life back together because I knew I was surrounded by support. Instead of wallowing in what was wrong, I made the daily intention to focus on all the people who made me smile at work, to seek out new things to be grateful for, and to take comfort in simple pleasures like candles, hot baths, sunsets, healthy homemade food, and journaling.

    I started smiling and laughing again, and everyone around me noticed. The new me was grateful to be alive, unapologetic, and full of wonder about where my life was headed next.

    Bursting with positive energy, I encouraged friends to let go of their sob stories and give thanks for everything they already had. The joy I’ve experienced since starting this habit feels absolutely miraculous.

    Shawn Anchor, Research Psychologist and CEO of Good Think Inc., says that gratitude listing “rewire[s] your brain, allowing [it] to actually work more optimistically and more successfully…to retain a pattern of scanning the world, not for the negative, but for the positive first.” I couldn’t agree more.

    Our lives are typically full of expectations, but we often can’t predict how our weeks, months, or years will turn out. I’ve learned that no matter what your current circumstances are, you have the power to change your perspective.

    Gratitude listing is a simple five-minute habit anyone can adopt that has an enormous positive impact on how you view your life. It simply makes you a happier person, and happier people attract the best of everything life has to offer.

    Smiling woman image via Shutterstock

  • 3 Things You Can Start Doing Today to Improve Your Life

    3 Things You Can Start Doing Today to Improve Your Life

    Man Jumping

    “The grass is always greener where you water it.” ~Unknown

    Have you noticed that when we’re unhappy we often spend our time focusing on those very things that are making us unhappy?

    My life has had its ups and downs, like anyone, but one of the lowest lows was back when I had a graduate job at a big four accounting firm.

    I was completely stuck in a rut: I’d drag myself out of bed in the morning, commute to work, spend the day in an office full of people I didn’t like, doing work I found mind-numbingly boring and unfulfilling, go out and drink too much in the evening, often with those same colleagues that I didn’t much like, get a late bus home, and then do it all again.

    I was bored, unhealthy, and unhappy.

    I spent all my energy doing things I didn’t enjoy with people who weren’t my tribe, and then drowning it all with a bottle of wine.

    But it hasn’t always been like that, and I’ve worked out my own tools to turn life on its head and spend my time being happy.

    Now I focus on making every day joyful, and living a life filled with fun, happiness, and adventure.

    As Seth Godin says, “Instead of wondering when your next vacation is, maybe you should set up a life you don’t need to escape from.”

    And that, my friends, is where I come in.

    There are three small but impactful shifts any can make to start improving their life. They may feel daunting initially, but these three shifts will start to make your life different—and better—day by day.

    1. Make some space.

    “Busy” is the new buzzword. Lots of us rush around cramming our day full of unfulfilling activities, and when someone asks how we are, we sigh, “Busy…”

    Have a look at your calendar and see how much time you’re spending doing things that don’t rock your world.

    Do you always say “yes” to meeting up with your husband’s brother’s wife even though you leave feeling drained and unhappy?

    Do you say “yes” to meetings at work that you know beforehand are just going to waste time and cause you to stay late to finish off your real work?

    Do you find yourself out with friends at expensive restaurants where the cost means you spend the night worrying about the bill and not having fun?

    All these things are negotiable! Start saying “no” to events and people that drain you. No need to provide excuses or justification, just politely bow out.

    The more you say “no” to the things that don’t fill you with joy, the more time you have available to do said joyful tasks.

    It can feel scary to begin with—you may end up with free time in your calendar, and lots of us worry that people won’t like us for saying “no.” That’s normal! But are you willing to face those fears to open your life up to make you happy every day?

    2. Do something that scares you.

    Maybe making space in your schedule is already pushing you out of your comfort zone. Great! But I bet there are plenty of things that you’d love to do to fill the space that make you feel jussstttt a little bit nervous.

    These things help expand us, and doing things that start from a place of fear helps free us of the fear and expand our comfort zone. So scare yourself today, and you’ll be less scared tomorrow.

    These scary activities don’t have to be earth shattering. My first list of scary tasks included calling a girl I wanted to be friends with, answering my phone every time it rang (I’d gotten into the habit of screening almost all my calls, even though I love chatting with people!), and joining a dance class.

    See, they’re all simple, but each of them had the effect of improving my life when I did them.

    As you start living from your growing edge and consciously pushing yourself to do things outside your comfort zone, the zone will expand and you will find a renewed confidence in yourself and your abilities.

    3. Do something you love.

    I love to read; I always have. When I was a kid, my dad described it as voracious.

    I’d read all the time—when I went to bed, when I woke up on the weekends, in the afternoon after school. Still, one of my favorite indulgences is when I have time on the weekends to wake up without an alarm and just read in bed until I’m too hungry and have to get up and eat some eggs.

    But when I’m busy, tired, and stressed, it’s one of the first things to go. Huge error! I find myself zonking on the couch in front of TV, getting more and more drained and tired. But I noticed the pattern, and I consciously make time to read now. I love getting lost in a beautiful novel.

    What’s your “thing”? What are a few things you love to do? Read, chat on the phone with friends, go for walks in nature? Write down a list of a few of these things and do one of them every day.

    Maybe pick small things for weekdays and something bigger for the weekends so you don’t overwhelm yourself, but focus on the things you love to do and make it a priority to spend your time doing things that make you happy.

    —

    Once we’ve made some space, written down things we love to do, and started recognizing the things that we’re holding off doing because they’re scary, it’s time to do!

    Take your calendar and book it in. Cross out that thing you’re going to say “no” to, and write in something scary and something you love.

    Make it happen, make the commitment to improve your life in a small way every day. A little bit of daily action will get you further than one huge burst of energy every month.

    It’s your life. Choose to make it amazing.

    Man jumping image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Childhood Mantras That Are Poisoning Your Happiness

    5 Childhood Mantras That Are Poisoning Your Happiness

    Unhappy Little Girl

    “So, like a forgotten fire, a childhood can always flare up again within us.” ~Gaston Bachelard

    I woke up to the sun peeking through the bedroom curtains and I cautiously opened one eye to check if my little brother was still asleep on the other side of our room.

    I was excited about the day. The sun was shining and we were meeting up with some family friends for a picnic in the park later that day. All I cared about was we would be having lots of treats at that picnic and the park we were going to had a giant swing set. This was going to be a good day.

    An hour later, my brother and I were in our parents’ bedroom, with my mom gently explaining that Daddy had left and he wouldn’t be coming back home.

    I was only six. I had thought everything was okay, but it wasn’t. I wasn’t expecting this.

    I felt sucker-punched. I promised myself, “I won’t let my guard down like this again.”

    Fast-forward twenty-five years…

    I stretched out beneath the shade of a huge umbrella, wiggling my toes in the white sand and watching my husband snorkel in the bathtub warmth of the ocean. There was nothing to do but sit and soak in the paradise of a tiny island in Malaysia.

    This was my dream vacation—one that I had waited years for.

    This should have been one of the happiest moments in my life. But I wasn’t happy.

    I remember at one point that day telling my husband that I should have brought my laptop with me so I could do some work while I was at the beach.

    I was genuinely struggling to relax and embrace an experience that could have offered me pure joy. I couldn’t just let go.

    Perhaps something similar has happened to you.

    Let me save you a few hundred dollars in therapy.

    This vacation made me realize that this was only one of many times in my life that I had gleefully anticipated an activity, but when I was actually in the moment I wasn’t able to feel very happy.

    I wish I could tell you that after I recognized this pattern, I immediately began a journey toward emotional wholeness. It wasn’t until years after that vacation, when I was finally brave enough to start digging into things that were holding me back.

    I started to see a therapist regularly, but I have a hunch that you might relate to what I discovered.

    So what did I figure out?

    I should have been paying more attention to what I was telling myself—mantras from my childhood were heavily influencing my adult life.

    I realized the childhood mantras or “tapes” I was playing inside my head had a significant impact on my ability to feel happiness—ones that were formed in my early years and may sound familiar to you.

    Do you recognize any of these mantras that you’ve told yourself for years, therefore diminishing your own potential happiness?

    Mantra #1: I won’t ever do that again.

    Earth-shattering events happen when you are younger. There may have been major traumas or minor events that felt traumatic to your younger self.

    As kids we often react to such events by making a vow or promise to ourselves. We do this to protect ourselves, but as we grow older we don’t stop to re-examine if this vow is helping us or holding us back.

    I wanted to avoid the unexpected pain I felt when I was abandoned as a child, so I had promised myself that I wouldn’t let my guard down again.

    Could a vow to stay guarded at all times affect the ability to feel true happiness? Most definitely.

    Mantra #2: This can’t last.

    Brené Brown identifies a major limitation to our happiness in her chapter about joy and scarcity in The Gifts of Imperfection (a book recommended by my therapist).

    She explains, “We think to ourselves: I’m not going to allow myself to feel this joy because I know it won’t last…I’d rather not be joyful than have to wait for the other shoe to drop.”

    Does this resonate with you?

    Unforeseen trauma when we were younger can create a sense of dread—we start to expect something bad is going to happen, especially in the times we are feeling most happy, or vulnerable.

    Did events from your childhood create a fear that good things happening were an invitation for something bad to happen?

    Mantra #3: It’s not okay to do that.

    Oh, the complexities of the rules within each family!

    Whether spoken outright or implied through reactions to certain behaviors, each family has a code of conduct with a profound influence on us, well into our adult lives.

    Maybe emotional expression was frowned upon in your family? Or perhaps there was an unspoken rule about how you should conduct yourself in stressful situations.

    I can remember the implied rules about money in my family. In the wake of my father leaving, money was tight and I quickly learned to stop asking for any treats. I had determined that it’s not okay to spend money on non-essentials.

    There can be so many facets to the family culture of your early childhood—some good and some not so good. Are there rules from your younger years that restrict your ability to feel happy?

    Mantra #4: This actually means that.

    Assumptions we make as kids, about the way the world works, can deeply influence our thoughts as adults. We become aware that the world does not consist of just ourselves and we start forming a framework of decisions about how life works.

    Is it possible that, back in your childhood, you decided that relaxing meant you were being lazy? Alternately, you may have assumed achievements meant love from your parents, so if you stopped achieving you would lose that affection.

    Can these childhood assumptions inhibit our ability to enjoy the moment? Absolutely.

    Mantra #5: I’m no good at that.

    Neglected dreams or passions that you had as a young child can be an amazing compass toward rediscovering your happiness.

    Is there an activity that you used to love doing as a child that you no longer do? Perhaps due to someone’s criticism, you decided you weren’t good enough to keep doing it?

    I had an embarrassing incident in gymnastics class when I was younger. (Let’s just say that the balance beam won). I refused to go back to class, resulting in an abandoned passion that I didn’t reconnect with until just this year.

    Was there a dream you had that you forced yourself to let go of, in an effort to be more practical or realistic as you grew up?

    These buried passions offer us an opportunity to remember what used to truly bring us joy. It is an invitation to welcome happiness back into your life.

    The Next Brave Step in Banishing Your Childhood Mantras

    I’m guessing that at least one of these mantras jumped out at you. We all have a default “tape” that is worth examining, to understand if it is suppressing our happiness.

    Be brave. Recognize this impulse and decide to make a change.

    Now what?

    It’s actually pretty simple—not easy, but simple.

    You need to start playing a new “tape” inside your head instead of the ones that are diminishing your ability to be joyful.

    I chose to start telling myself that it is okay to let my guard down. This involved literally chanting inside my head that the world would not fall apart if I allowed myself to enjoy the moment.

    I had to constantly reassure myself that even if something bad did happen, bracing myself for it would not make it hurt any less and was actually robbing me of joy.

    It actually didn’t take too long before I started to believe this. Surprisingly, this removed a huge obstacle to giving myself permission to feel happy.

    How to Amplify Your Happiness

    The good news?

    You’ve already taken the first step: pausing to ask what you are actually telling yourself.

    How about some more good news?

    You can choose one thing that you are going to start saying differently to yourself and you will be amazed at how quickly you can change the narration.

    It is tempting to cling to the voices of our past, but wouldn’t it feel amazing to be able to truly embrace your happiness?

    Try out your new script today and congratulate yourself on moving toward a happier life!

    Unhappy little girl image via Shutterstock

  • Stop Striving for Happiness and Start Practicing It Now

    Stop Striving for Happiness and Start Practicing It Now

    Happy People

    “Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness.” ~Chuang Tzu

    It all started when one of my boys asked me if I was happy, and of course I answered yes.

    Why wouldn’t I be happy? I have a handsome and kind husband, two boys of which I am very proud, I had a successful business, I had a house I loved, I was surrounded by friends, I was a sought after speaker in my community, and blah blah blah.

    Then my son asked why I didn’t have fun anymore. I began defending my happiness to him, explaining all the reasons why I was happy, and I began to realize I wasn’t really happy at all. I was “surface” happy.

    It was that day, almost four years ago, that I started my journey toward finding happiness. Needless to say, there were plenty of bumps in the road.

    The problem was that in typical “type A” fashion, I wanted happiness right then. I did my research and found things that made people happier, like spending time with friends and reducing stress. I made a bunch of changes that were supposed to make me happier but in the end only caused my stress levels to rise.

    It didn’t take long before I realized my quest for happiness made things worse. I spent more time worrying about trying to be happy then just allowing myself the freedom to feel happy. Bottom line: trying to be happy was stressing me out.

    Then my husband lost his job and we were in jeopardy of losing our house. With the circumstances surrounding us, my worry and stress were kicked into high gear. And instead of moving toward happiness, I felt as if I was moving further away.

    Things were getting a bit desperate when my husband was offered his dream job in Bangkok, Thailand. Yes, the same Thailand that is located halfway around the world. I fought it, I ignored it, and I laughed at it, but most of all I worried about it.

    Moving that far away was inconceivable to me. We had two teenagers, a home, and family and friends in a town we loved. How could we just leave?

    With little choice, off to Thailand we went with two suitcases each and my fingers crossed for a smooth transition. Soon after our arrival in Thailand, my life was shattered. I received a phone call from my sister telling me that my brother had been murdered.

    Twenty-seven years ago, my other sister’s life was cut too short because of a car accident. I physically did not think I could endure this pain again. My heart had yet to heal and now the hole in it just got bigger. 

    I immediately headed home to be with mom, leaving my husband and the boys behind, when what I wanted most was to hold them tight.

    It was a very surreal time. It was like I was watching someone else’s life as I went through the motions of supporting my mother, accepting condolences, and trying to wrap my head around all that was going on.

    It is always tragic to lose a loved one, but to have a loved one murdered takes grief to a whole new level.

    The time came for me to head back across the globe and back to my boys. It became clear I couldn’t go back as a barely functioning mother, and I knew my boys would learn about adversity and grief through my example.

    I took the time to re-evaluate my quest for happiness that I started what seemed like a lifetime ago. This time though, I started with some small actions instead of tackling everything at once. Here’s how I did it.

    Practice Gratitude

    You’ve probably read by now that gratitude has the power to change your life. It’s hard to imagine something so simple having such a big impact. It’s also hard to imagine why more people don’t do it.

    I wanted to practice gratitude, I really did, but it always seemed an inconvenient thing to do as I crawled into bed. I had to figure out a way to remind myself to do it every night before my head hit the pillow, because once I crawled into bed all bets were off.

    It dawned on me that I went into the bathroom every night, so I put my journal in the bathroom next to my toothbrush. Not the most glamorous place to write in your journal, but it worked.

    As I brushed my teeth, the journal beckoned and soon it became automatic, better known as a habit. A habit that was helping me focus on the good in my life.

    I am blessed to be surrounded by a loving and supportive family, have meaningful friendships for encouragement and guidance, and my boys have kind hearts. And that’s just the beginning of my list.

    I learned that even in the midst of the darkest day, there are moments of light. Sometimes you just have to search a little harder. Quiet your mind and look for it. Believe me, you will find something wonderful that fills you with gratitude.

    Trust That Things Will Work

    I am not going to lie; trusting that everything will work out is scary and hard—very, very hard. But it does. It might not work out the way you intended, but it usually works out somehow.

    It’s hard to break the habit of worrying because there is no visual cue around the stuff in your head. When I worried, I noticed I played with my hair. I admit I play with my hair when I’m not worried too, but my hands hang out in my hair more when I am.

    Now every time I play with my hair, I ask myself what I am worrying about. Then I remind myself to trust that whatever happens, I can handle it, and I probably will become stronger and happier because of it.

    Look for cues that indicate you might be worrying and when you encounter them, talk yourself through the process. Create a mantra for yourself that calms your mind and helps you release your worry. Your self-talk may take longer in the beginning, but keep at because eventually your mind will get on board.

    Choose Happiness

    I quickly found wanting happiness isn’t enough. You have to choose it and work for it.

    I added one more step to gratitude practice. At the end of the day I began setting my intention for the next day—something that will make me take time to enjoy the moment.

    My first intention was to take pictures of flowers because flowers make me smile. Then afterward, I wrote about how my intention made me feel and added things that filled my heart with gratitude.

    An intention might be something as simple as watching an inspirational video or smiling at a stranger. The key is to choose something that will make your day brighter.

    I learned many things during the first year following my brother’s murder. I learned about forgiveness, grief, and true friendship, but the most powerful thing I learned was that I was in control of how I felt every day

    Practicing gratitude, trusting things will work out, and setting intentions has led me to create my own definition of happiness, a definition that is just right for me.

    Take the time to experiment with practices that work for you. Everyone goes through dark times, but you can find happiness in the midst of darkness by committing to the practices that work for you.

    Happiness image via Shutterstock

  • Life is a Gift: How to Enjoy It and Find Happiness After a Tragic Loss

    Life is a Gift: How to Enjoy It and Find Happiness After a Tragic Loss

    Man Enjoying the Moment

    “If we could see that everything, even tragedy, is a gift in disguise, we would then find the best way to nourish the soul.” ~Elizabeth Kubler Ross

    Sometimes a tragedy can give new energy to life and bring awareness we have been living on autopilot.

    I still remember the night like it was yesterday. It was late and my husband and I had just turned off the light when my phone rang. It was my aunt saying my dad pushed his life alert and was transported to the hospital.

    I fumbled to find my clothes and hurried to the car. The drive to the hospital was a blur. I found my dad in the emergency room smiling. He proudly told me the “people” wouldn’t leave his house, so he pushed the button on his necklace for help.

    My dad suffered from Lewy Bodies Dementia. It is a fast acting dementia that includes hallucinations, sleeping disorders, and mental decline.

    When my dad pushed his life alert button on my advice, it was the precursor to his tragic death. I felt like it was my fault.

    I told him to push his button whenever he needed help and we weren’t around. On this night, the hallucinations were bad enough for him to push the button just like I asked him to do.

    Once transported to the hospital, he was admitted for observation and regulation of his medicine. The wrong medication was prescribed and my father never recovered. He eventually slipped into a coma and passed away.

    When tragic events happen, they are not our fault. It is human nature to blame ourselves when in reality there is nothing we could have done differently to change the outcome.

    Still, at the time my mind was tormented. If I had only been there, if I had taken him to the doctor sooner, if I had known they were going to change his medicine. The what if’s were the hardest part.

    Stages of grief will come and go. Allow yourself to embrace the stages as you move through them. They are part of the healing process that eventually brings a sense of happiness.

    After my Dad’s death I went through the many stages of grief. Not in any order. I bounced from stage to stage and back again.

    The death of a loved one is a personal journey. No two people go through it the same way.

    Some people internalize emotions and try to work through them alone. Others go through the stages of grief for all to see. Some ignore the emotions and never find closure. Ignoring pain deprives your soul of the nourishment a loss can bring.

    Regardless of how you navigate the stages of grief, it is the right way.

    For me, it was a combination. I worked through most of it privately, but sometimes I needed to talk. I reflected a lot. I remembered happy times and times I wished I could take back.

    I went through his belongings reflectively and learned much about him. He kept beanies, pictures of classmates, and perfect attendance pins from grade school. I found them, along with every card I had ever given him. Birthday cards, Christmas cards, just because cards. All placed together in a drawer like they were great treasures.

    I felt overwhelmingly loved. It was at that time I was hit with an epiphany.

    It would make him sad to know that I blamed myself. He wanted me to be happy.

    When a tragic event happens, it is not our fault. The best thing we can do is honor the person we lost by living our lives to the fullest. After all, wouldn’t that be our wish for them?

    A peace came over me. It was clear. I understood that I was supposed to honor him by living my life to the fullest, appreciating every waking moment and all of the people around me that make my life special.

    Life is a gift. We never know when or how it will end. To honor ourselves, and those that love us, it is important to be true to ourselves and do the things that bring us happiness.

    I started doing the things that I had always wanted to do. I finished college, began writing, signed up for Jon Morrow’s course on guest blogging to help polish my skills, traveled more, and tried new things.

    I also learned that stopping to appreciate the small things around me. I saw them before but on autopilot. I never really stopped to appreciate their beauty.

    Through this tragedy I have found the keys to happiness: love yourself, appreciate the little things, forgive yourself for things that have already happened, and show love all those around as if it were your last day.

    Although this was a time of great sadness, it was also an unexpected time of personal growth, which resulted in a more meaningful life.

    As a result of this tragedy, I learned how to appreciate life and the people who love me, but most of all, I learned how to love myself and grant myself forgiveness.

    I think my Dad would be proud of me. I see him every time I look in the mirror. When I smile, it is him smiling back at me.

    Man enjoying the moment image via Shutterstock

  • Don’t Let the Outside World Control Your Happiness

    Don’t Let the Outside World Control Your Happiness

    Happy Woman on Grass

    “On a deeper level you are already complete. When you realize that, there is a playful, joyous energy behind what you do.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    We have this strange need or conditioning to not take responsibility for our own happiness. We expect it to come from an outside source.

    It can happen, but it’s fleeting. True happiness has to come from within.

    True happiness comes from a connection to our true being.

    Years ago my family and I took our dog to obedience school, and the trainer told us, if we have more than one dog, to never let them share a crate. Yes, they would become best friends, even inseparable. Then one of them would die and the other would be completely heartbroken.

    Imagine putting all your happiness on another person. This could be a friend or a soul mate. You share your dreams, relying on each other for companionship and future plans. Then tragedy happens, a split of some kind.

    It’s natural to be heartbroken when you lose someone you love—but how could you survive this if all your happiness was contained in this one person?

    This same thing can happen with the material world. We easily put our happiness on getting that prized possession, the big house, the new car, or a job that we think we want.

    I spent most of my life up until now in the shadow of fleeting happiness. It followed me everywhere.

    It started when I was young. I searched for acceptance. I did ridiculous things to my hair, and I lost my virginity way too young. I thought these things would bring me a sense of happiness, but I never felt truly happy.

    Then my young adult self emerged still on the search for “when.” When I get to do this… when I go here… when I do that… then I will finally be happy.

    I spent my days waiting for various things to happen, to in turn bring me the happiness I longed for.

    I married young. I moved to a city that wasn’t conducive to my nature. I got the corporate job that would make me feel established, following society’s definition of success.

    With two young kids I moved to a way too expensive house that fit the mold of a successful, acceptable young adult. And—gasp—I bought a minivan. I was a mom, after all. Wasn’t this my road to happiness?

    With all these misguided beliefs of happiness under my belt, the waves of discontent still threatened to drown me. I kept treading water with no movement.

    I realized in time the truth behind my happiness, and it didn’t lie in things or people or society’s definitions. I had always had the ability to feel happy; I just hadn’t realized it.

    I realized it when I was able to accept myself, fully, in who I was.

    I realized I didn’t need to edit who I was. I was able to look in the mirror and see the perfectness in all my imperfections. I was able to go to a social event and be okay with myself sitting quietly in the corner. I learned to just be without worry or concern about what others thought. I was okay just being me.

    I would often find myself sitting quietly, taking it all in. These were the mindful moments that allowed me to acknowledge all that was around me. And you know what? It was full.

    The world was full of the richness of life—nature, people, laughter, smiles, wind, noise, and breath. I started to notice my breath and breathe a little deeper in gratitude for all the experiences of my life. The realization came with a flood of tears, joy, and intense connection…with myself.

    We believe in a happiness that really doesn’t exist. We search for it in many ways, rarely finding it in the form we are seeking.

    Happiness can sometimes comes from things. “When I get this car, or these shoes, or this job, man, will I be happy.” And you do, you get the position and you drive to your new job in your new car with your shiny new shoes on.

    The world is oh so perfect. It couldn’t get any better. Then the company you work for goes bankrupt, you can no longer afford your car, and now you have no place to wear your shoes.

    Are you happy anymore? Not if you banked all your happiness in those fleeting things.

    But let’s say you already discovered true happiness from deep within your soul and felt happy with yourself. Then you got your dream job. Would you be happier?

    You might feel more fulfilled but not happier, because your inner happiness was already infinite. If you lost your job, would some of your happiness diminish? No. You might feel disappointed but you wouldn’t lose your happiness because it was already infinite.

    Your happiness cannot come from the outside world. It must come from within you.

    When you are able to acknowledge that happiness already resides in you, a pressure will release because you’ll no longer feel ruled by your ego’s need for more.

    Still, it is important to know that true happiness may not always feel great. Realizing true happiness doesn’t mean you will be skipping through a field of daisies without a care in the world.

    You will have bad days. You will feel overwhelmed with normal life at times. You may even look beyond the horizon to see what lies ahead. This is all okay.

    Happiness doesn’t have to look like a storybook. Happiness is simply the realization that life is just fine as it is.

    You’ll experience true happiness when you allow yourself to be content in your true self, recognize the innate greatness of the world that surrounds you, and know that the people and things in your life hold no power over you. You are the master of your happiness.

    You are already complete. When you realize this, there will be happiness in everything you do.

    Smiling woman on grass image via Shutterstock

  • Why Joy Trumps Happiness (And 3 Ways to Coax It Into Your Life)

    Why Joy Trumps Happiness (And 3 Ways to Coax It Into Your Life)

    Man and Pink Sky

    “Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.” ~Henri Nouwen

    Once upon a time I was on a relentless hunt for happiness. I’d root around for it in romantic relationships, search for it in visits to exotic locales, and scour self-help sections of bookstores, hoping to run across a volume that, once and for all, would reveal its thorny secrets.

    The books I read said happiness couldn’t be found outside of me, but I was always skeptical of that advice. I longed to believe that if I got what I wanted in life I’d be like a winner on “The Price is Right”—jumping up and hugging perfect strangers.

    When I turned forty, I had the chance to test that theory: Through a series of incredible circumstances, I got almost everything I’d ever wished for. I met and married an amazing man, came into inheritance, and achieved my lifelong goal of publishing a novel.

    I was surprised to discover that my happiness still depended on outside events in my life.

    Great book review? Crack open the bubbly! Bad day at the stock market? Sequester myself in the bathroom with a package of Fudge-Covered Oreos. But, to be honest, my life was so fast-paced and drama-filled that I didn’t have the time or the inclination to think about the matter too deeply.

    Fast forward five years and my winning streak came to an end. I found myself without a new book contract, my grown son sank into a deep depression, and my dearest and oldest friend and I grew apart.

    My slew of bad luck forced me to slow down and become a seeker again. I continued to investigate the happiness conundrum and eventually came across this quote from Danielle LaPorte, “Happiness is like rising bubbles—delightful and inevitably fleeting. Joy is the oxygen—ever present.”

    Bingo! All my life I’d been stalking the wrong thing. Instead of chasing after happiness, I needed to find ways to allow more joy into my life.

    1. Living in the present moment.

    Over the next few months I devoured at least a dozen metaphysical books, and I undertook a variety of spiritual practices: visualization, affirmations, gratitude journals, vision boards, and a few other things a little too woo-woo to mention.

    While I found value in many of those activities, I didn’t experience drastic change until I practiced mindfulness. Now I meditate fifteen minutes daily and make a point to be mindful throughout the day.

    Chores I used to dislike are now exercises in staying in the present moment. Instead of my usual kvetching about laundry (who goes through ten towels in three days?) I slow down and pay attention to the task and the accompanying sensory details, i.e., the lemony smell of the detergent, the comforting warmth of the clothes out of the drier, the swishing rhythm of the agitator.

    When grumbles arise, I note their existence but try not to get caught up in them.

    Zen masters clang gongs to remind students to be mindful; I use a timer on the computer. I set it every twenty-five minutes, and when it buzzes, I check in on myself.

    This is great habit to start. When the timer goes off, ask yourself, am I present? Or am I embroiled in regrets about the past or schemes about the future? The more time we spend in the present moment, the more joyful we feel.

    2. Avoiding the dramas of the ego.

    It used to be that when something went haywire in my life, I’d fly to the phone or Facebook, eager to broadcast my wounds. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with venting. Wasn’t that healthier than letting my injuries fester?

    Not necessarily. Through my mindfulness practice I’ve learned that it’s best not to get caught up in the ego’s drama.

    When something goes wrong in my life (that guy cut me off in traffic!), my ego loves to rush to the scene, causing a commotion. Now I keep a journal of my ego’s triggers so I know when I’m most likely to be yanked into its mischief-making.

    Three centering techniques have worked for me: First, pay attention to your breathing, noting inhales and exhales.

    Next, get in touch with your body, connecting with the energy within and staying alert to any automatic responses. Is your throat constricted? Are your shoulders tense? Is there smoke coming out of your ears?

    Finally, listen. Can you hear the refrigerator running or the traffic outside?

    These three practices slow us down so we can avoid getting entangled in ego-based thoughts.

    Additionally we might want also want to refrain from complaining or gossiping, even about piddling things. It may seem harmless to say to a friend “Could this grocery line get any longer? And what’s with the woman buying ten cartons of Ben and Jerry’s?”

    Unfortunately, such behavior strengthens the ego. The limited rewards we get from gossiping and griping are outweighed by the joy we’ll find when we eliminate them from our lives. 

    3. Deep listening.

    When I quit complaining and prattling on about other people, I thought, “What’s left to talk about?” Recently I found the answer: Whenever I’m in the company of others, I practice deep listening.

    Deep listening requires total attention to what the other person is saying, and it’s so focused it involves the entire body. Our own thoughts will constantly arise, eager to butt in, but try using one of the previously mentioned centering techniques to shush them.

    If we practice deep listening our interactions with other people will become much more authentic and yes, far more joyful. 

    The Rewards of a Joyful Life

    I’ve been inviting joy in my life now for almost two years. Does that mean I shun happiness? Of course not. Happiness is always welcome.

    It’s penny candy raining from a piñata. It’s the burst of light from a sparkler. It’s the magician’s bouquet of flowers, blossoming into a dove. But I now understand happiness’s limitations and am no longer expecting more from it than it can give.

    I’ve also come to discover that joy, unlike happiness, is not elusive or subject to the whims of fate. Joy is what kindles within us once we give up our resistance to the present moment and our demands that life do our bidding.

    Ironically, when we quit expecting life to be a certain way, life seemed to naturally align itself with our preferences.

    In fact, in recent months, my son’s psychological problems receded, two books contracts materialized, and my relationship with my best friend healed. However, even if nothing had changed or if my fortunes had soured, it wouldn’t be a disaster.

    If we allow joy into your lives, we’ll no longer be buffeted about by life’s circumstances. As Eckhart Tolle says, “You can only lose something that you have, but you cannot lose something that you are.”

    Joy is our natural state; we all have access to it, no matter what craziness happens in our lives.

    Man and pink sky image via Shutterstock

  • I’m Not Broken, and Neither Are You

    I’m Not Broken, and Neither Are You

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” ~Marianne Williamson

    I used to have this secret habit of flipping through the DSM—The Diagnostic Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders—and diagnosing myself with every disorder in the book.

    Reading over the criteria for borderline personality disorder, cigarette in hand and eyes wide open, I scanned the diagnosis criteria.

    Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment? Check. Unstable and intense interpersonal relationships? Check. Unstable self-image? Check. Impulsivity that’s self-damaging? Check. Suicidal behaviour? Check. Unstable moods? Check. Chronic feelings of emptiness? Check. Inappropriate and intense anger? Check. Paranoia? Check.

    Oh my god.

    I thought that was an uncanny description of me, until I found antisocial personality disorder.

    Failure to conform to social norms? Yup. Doing things that are grounds for arrest? Regularly. Deceitfulness? Impulsivity? Failure to plan ahead? Oh yes. Irritability? Aggression? Reckless disregard for safety? Lack of remorse?

    Oh my god.

    That seemed spot-on, but nothing, and I mean nothing, compared to when I first read about post-traumatic stress disorder.

    Exposure to traumatic event? Yes. Recurrent, involuntary, and intrusive memories? Oh god, yes. Traumatic nightmares? All the time. Flashbacks? Yes. Avoidance of trauma-related stimuli? Yes! Feeling alienated from others? Persistent negative beliefs about self? Persistent negative emotions? Distorted memory and feelings of blame?

    Oh my god.

    After a few years, I added body dysmorphic disorder, substance use disorder, occasional episodes of manic disorder, and constant rotations between bulimia and EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise classified).

    Admittedly, some of those diagnoses should really have cancelled each other out, but I was more interested in collecting diagnoses like some would collect stamps than achieving medical accuracy.

    All of my self-imposed labels gave me a strange kind of soothing feeling. They affirmed something I already believed, deeply, within me: I was broken. I was in a state of disorder. There was something wrong with me.

    In my scourings, I avoided certain disorders like the plague. Anxiety, for example, and depression. Anxiety didn’t seem like a very “cool” thing to have and depression just didn’t seem plausible because I was so violently self-destructive, never stopping to rest for a moment unless I got infected with mono or West Nile meningitis (both of which actually happened).

    To an onlooker, these things might have seemed like ploys for attention or misguided attempts at impersonating Hollywood. But, truly, these self-diagnoses stayed more private than many of my tortured war stories. They were something personal. They were just for me.

    Looking back, I realize that the fuel behind my self-diagnosing was an obsessive, perpetual drive to find the answer to a question I couldn’t avoid for more than a few hours at a time: “What’s wrong with me?”

    What was wrong with me, I liked to think, was childhood-trauma-induced permanent damage that, in mixing with my apparently high IQ, had created a sort of “Dr. House” complex within me, making me irreparably and irrevocably screwed up.

    That was a nice story, but it didn’t satisfy the question. A question like “What’s wrong with me?” isn’t just some domestic house cat in the mind. It won’t sit quietly and patiently for most of the day, becoming vocal only if it isn’t fed for too long.

    No, a question like that is a wild, ferocious, insatiable beast that rips into anything and everything in its path, killing simply for the sake of the kill, feeding constantly and ceaselessly on anything that smells like nourishment.

    What was wrong with me?

    By the time I made it to age twenty-three, there were so many answers.

    What was wrong with me?

    The stretch marks all over my body. The pimples on my skin, my back. The little hair growing an inch above my nipple. The moles on my upper back. The fat all over my body.

    What was wrong with me?

    The way I blushed at the drop of a hat. The way I wouldn’t be able to stop laughing when other people did. The way I made jokes that weren’t funny to anyone but me. The way my upper lip twitched when I was nervous.

    What was wrong with me?

    How I had absolutely zero ability to be sexy or act sexy without alcohol, feeling frozen and ugly if anyone ever saw me naked. How I had flashbacks, nightmares, and hallucinations I told close to no one about. How I drank alone.

    How I just couldn’t seem to sustain happiness and, even when I tasted joy for a second, soon enough the drugs would wear off and I’d be right back where I started, wishing for a freedom I wasn’t sure was real.

    All of my happiness, for about ten years, was induced by chemicals and co-dependence. I thought what was wrong with me was that I couldn’t feel happy without buying it or begging for it. I thought I was just that kind of person. I thought it would always be that way.

    I’d love to tell you that I was afraid of being broken and damaged, afraid that past emotional trauma had rendered me dysfunctional, afraid that I was different from other people. Of course, that’s what I used to say and that’s a nice story, but I know now that it was all a big lie.

    You know what I was really terrified of?

    Deep inside of me, there was the awareness that, even if I fit every symptom in the book, I had no excuse to live half a life. Somewhere in there I knew I wasn’t really broken. I was terrified of what my responsibilities would be if I allowed myself to be, truly, whole.

    When I was an addict, a victim, a diagnosis, I had no responsibility to anyone. If your neck is severed and bleeding, you can hardly be expected to open doors for people and make the world a better place.

    Like this, I dodged the responsibility to discover my skills and talents, to serve people, to do something meaningful in the world—all by playing broken.

    Of course, it wasn’t all a giant act. I had been abused. I had been raped. I had been an addict. I had horrible body image issues. I heard voices. I hated myself. Yes, those things were “wrong,” but so is a paper cut. And your body will do its best to heal the paper cut with no further intervention from you, if you let it.

    Yes, I’d been broken, but I didn’t have to keep being broken. For fear of my own greatness, I put bandages on my wounds, letting them grow necrotic for lack of oxygen. I never wanted to get better; I just wanted to get pity, because I was too scared to ask for love. I kept myself sick for fear of my own health.

    I’ll tell you right now that my fear wasn’t unjustified. Now that I’m not playing small anymore, I have more responsibilities than I ever have. I’m trusted with people’s most painful memories, with their deepest secrets, with the chance to support them when they’re on the brink of hurting themselves or others.

    Yes, the responsibility is there, but it’s not the horror show I imagined it would be. I think the only reason I ran from it was because I was so weak from keeping myself broken that I couldn’t imagine how much energy I’d have to help people when I allowed myself to be whole.

    I couldn’t have imagined how fulfilling it is to spread love, give love, be love instead of scrounging for tiny little pieces of approval and acceptance like a thief in the night.

    From what I’ve seen of myself and of people, I believe, without condition, that no one is irreparably broken. In fact, no one is broken. Is having a paper cut broken? Of course not. From the moment you get a cut, you’re already healing.

    And that’s what I believe. I believe we’re all already healing, no matter how great our pain or how serious the offenses against us. We’re built to heal, we’re already healing, and we can all experience this amazing life process—if only we’d get out of the way.

  • 5 Choices to Help You Overcome Your Demons and Be Happy

    5 Choices to Help You Overcome Your Demons and Be Happy

    Man and Sky

    “If you believe it will work out, you’ll see opportunities. If you believe it won’t, you will see obstacles.” ~Wayne Dyer

    I sat, exhausted and alone after a long night, on the stairs outside the train station.

    It was 3:00AM, and it was raining. I’d been drinking all night and I wanted nothing more than the warmth of my bed.

    But my journey home hadn’t even begun. The gates weren’t due to open for another two hours, the wait for the train would be yet another hour, and the ride itself another hour on top of that.

    My misery was compounded by the knowledge that things were only going to get worse when I woke up hungover and alone.

    Why had I done this to myself again?

    I told myself in sobriety that I was just a young dude who liked to party. I told myself that I went out every single weekend and drank more Jägermeister than Charlie Sheen would advise because I was free, and that’s how free people lived. I told myself lots of things.

    But they were all lies. Nobody drinks themselves sick every weekend and winds up sleeping on a staircase because they’re happy. Nobody who has any kind of self-control drinks their cab money away for another few shots, especially when they’ve clearly had their fill already.

    It’s amazing how good we are at rationalizing—telling ourselves stories built of lies to hide the ugly truth from ourselves. It’s also extremely worrying. The amount of harm we can cause ourselves when we live in denial is staggering.

    There’s a reason that the first step of any good rehabilitation program is acceptance.

    I was in denial about everything. I’d just moved to Melbourne, a city with a population 160 times greater than the humble town of Alice Springs I’d moved from. I’d left behind my job, my car, and my girlfriend of three years. I’d moved out of home and now I lived alone.

    I didn’t want to admit how afraid and lonely I was. How disturbingly quiet my life had become. I’d prided myself on being the confident and funny guy who had everything under control, and my ego wasn’t ready to release that illusion.

    The truth is, I missed the familiar life I’d left behind. I missed the easy job. I missed the warmth of my girlfriend’s bed and her loving embrace after every long day at work.

    Getting plastered was a wonderful way to pretend that I was happy. In my mind, the world saw me as a crazy dude who could out-drink everyone and partied like a maniac. In reality, the world saw me as a nuisance and a loser.

    It’s been a wild four years since then. Looking back now I can’t even remember what that life was like. These days, I drink maybe six times a year on special occasions, my diet is flawless, and I meditate every day.

    My band is doing amazingly well, I’ve been working thirty hours a week toward building an illustrious writing career—something I’ve always wanted—and I have a tight group of friends, each one I trust with my life.

    I never went to rehab, I never asked for advice, and I never relied on any particular resource to help me get my life together. I’m sure that those things would have sped up my transformation, but the simple fact is that it was as solitary a venture, as my self-destruction was.

    Today, I’d like to share with you what I’ve now learned about during those four life-changing years: the five choices that helped me get over alcohol addiction, paralyzing fear, and inebriating loneliness.

    These five choices gave me the freedom to build a new life—a life that gives me unprecedented happiness, and that I can look at with a glowing sense of pride.

    1. Develop self-awareness.

    When we do the wrong things, our mind’s default response is to rationalize why it’s okay.

    You know that cheeseburger is bad for you, but when your mind tells you that, since there was broccoli on your pizza two days ago, you should feel free to scarf it down, the easy thing to do is believe it.

    Let’s say that point A is the action you want to take right now (eat the cheeseburger) and point B is the action you know will be more beneficial in the long run (have a salad instead). The bigger the gap between the two, the more your mind will throw rationalizations at you.

    Before you can learn to ignore your rationalizations and do the right thing, you have to be aware of them.

    2. Foster self-acceptance.

    Once you’re aware of your rationalizations, and how weak you’ve been in the past for believing them, it’s crucial that you don’t judge yourself for that.

    It’s not your fault that you rationalize; we all do it. Harsh self-criticism doesn’t make you a “realist” or a proprietor of “tough self-love.” It just gets in the way of true change. Accept your flaws as an essential part of who you are. Wear them with the same pride that you wear your strengths with.

    3. Study emotional intelligence.

    Now that you’re ready to start making changes, you need to learn to know yourself.

    Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence (a book you should read), wrote “In a very real sense we have two minds, one that thinks and one that feels.” How else could we have such intense internal debates?

    If you know how to swim, you seldom panic in a pool. You understand the water, how it works, and how to rise to the surface when you need to.

    Our emotions are similar. Managing them isn’t as easy as coming up for air, but the better your understanding of them, the less they can overcome you.

    If you don’t want to spend money on a book or your “to-read” list is too long already, check out Psychology Today‘s section on the subject.

    4. Embrace generosity.

    You can’t expect to receive before you’ve given.

    I’m not saying that the universe can read your mind, or cares about you. I’m talking about self-evident fact here. If you cultivate a habit of giving, people will see you in a different way. They’ll attach positive associations to your name when they think of you, and as a result, the joy in your life will increase.

    As the saying goes: “Happiness never decreases by being shared.”

    The more you give, the more you inspire others to return the favor, and the more fulfilled you feel.

    If you’re self-aware, self-accepting, and you’ve cultivated the habit of studying what emotions are and how to handle them, embracing generosity is the fastest and most potent way to now start injecting positivity and love into your life, especially if you’ve never known either before.

    5. Practice letting go.

    Time for the home stretch! The finale! The purge!

    Every seven years, the molecules of our body are entirely replaced. In our lifetime, we ingest and expel far more than we ever weigh. The past only exists as tiny fragments of our experiences we’ve chosen to remember, and the future only exists as speculation.

    So, what’s left? What are we if not a moment-to-moment happening? Are we beings, or are we stories?

    Whatever you believe, the cold hard fact of life is that people come and go. We move from place to place. We go from job to job.

    We only exist in the now. Any resistance to it is futile, unhealthy, and irrational.

    If you’ve mastered the first four laws, the only thing keeping you from total happiness are the things that you refuse to let go of. The discrepancies you create between what is and what you believe should be.

    Thus, the cycle begins anew. Start with law one again. Become aware of these connections, accept yourself for having them, learn about them, and conquer them.

    Man and sky image via Shutterstock

  • When Self-Help Doesn’t Help: Doing What’s Best for You

    When Self-Help Doesn’t Help: Doing What’s Best for You

    Man Reading

    “Your inner knowing is your only true compass.” ~Joy Page

    Are you someone who devours self-help books, blogs, and articles?

    Do you take pleasure in checking out the latest advice from this “expert” or that “guru”?

    Are you someone who puts into play the advice proposed but are still left feeling somewhat unfulfilled afterward?

    The Trouble with Self-Help

    The trouble with self-help advice is that sometimes it leads us down the path of us not helping ourselves at all. Sometimes we get so caught up in someone else’s vision that we lose sight of our own.

    Truth be told, what I consider to be a great life may leave you wanting for more (or perhaps less). What you consider to be extremely ethical I may consider less so. And that’s as it should be.

    Our value system, beliefs, ideas, and ideals should be our own—informed by the outside, without a doubt, but we need to process and own them for ourselves.

    Part of the problem with self-help type advice is that we can start to lose sight of what we really see as success or a successful outcome. We get so caught up in what we’re reading that we can start viewing it as the Holy Grail.

    If I lose weight, then I should feel like this.

    If I simplify my life, then I should be immediately happier.

    If I run a marathon, I should feel the greatest sense of achievement I ever have.

    Sometimes these areas do live up to expectation and leave us with a deep sense of accomplishment. However, sometimes they don’t and can lead us all the way back to square one, or actually make us feel worse than we did originally.

    Falling into the Trap

    I personally have fallen into the trap of overdosing on self-help and self-development books, blogs, and writers over the years—reading book after book but then not implementing the changes suggested, or implementing them but feeling underwhelmed by how I felt afterward. This often led me in circles.

    I take my self-development seriously and I love to read about simplicity and lifestyle redesign, in particular. In fact, left unchecked, I could quite happily bury myself in books and blogs that fall under these categories all day.

    However, in my quest for perfection, I have taken paths that were anything but perfect for me.

    One example would be trying to be more minimalist than I am happy being. Reading about others living as minimalists, giving away most of what they own, or living with only fifty items, I had envisioned myself leading a similar life.

    That vision helped me to a certain point on my own version of simpler living, but then I tried contorting myself a little bit too much.

    I liked some of the stuff, even it was just stuff. I like the convenience of a car. I love going away on exotic travels as often as I can afford. I realized a little minimalist suited me, but not too much. Sounds contradictory, perhaps, but hey, that’s me!

    Another example would be working on being more mindful. I read the work of people who sound like they live in a permanent state of calm. I liked this as an ideal.

    I consider myself a pretty calm and patient person most of the time and see those as personal strengths, but I also have my limits, and I’m not above losing my cool at times.

    Rather than accepting this as part of me, I tried to “fix” it. It didn’t work.

    We’re human, not robots, and sometimes we lose our cool. I’m perfectly fine with that now but wasn’t for a time, as I saw it as a weakness. My expectations were unrealistic, and the advice, as well meaning as it might have been, didn’t completely fit me.

    Although these experiences left me a little dejected at the time, they led me to a better place overall. I came to realize that I am the best master of my own destiny with regard to my goals. I learn and take from external sources, of course, but I own the goals.

    I make the output suit me and know that no one person has all the answers. The result is a happier me, and something that I can implement into my own life, making any changes I make more likely to remain lifestyle changes rather than a five-minute fix that then gets discarded.

    Through the above process I started to realize the problem wasn’t the books or authors themselves, but me and my own expectations. Sometimes I was guilty of falling into the author’s view of what a good outcome would be rather than being focused on my own needs and wants. I worked on that.

    These days, I can still regularly be found leafing through books that fall neatly into the self-development area. And my bookshelves are full of such books. I still love the genre and indeed write in that genre myself.

    However, now I am very clear about what it is I want to get from each read. I’m more selective about who and what I read. I’m clearer on the version of my life I’m trying to get to. If someone else’s experience can help me get there quicker, all the better.

    What Does Success Look Like for You?

    To answer this question, we first need to know:

    • What it is and who it is we value most
    • Who it is we want to be in life
    • What kind of life we want for ourselves
    • How we want to feel when we see ourselves staring back in a mirror

    Only we can truly know what that version of ourselves and our lives looks like.

    Self-help should help. Make it your own and it just might do that.

    Make sure you’re building and supporting your own unique vision of what a great life is and are doing your best to make that your reality. Use what helps along the way, but don’t get caught up in comparisons or in someone else’s vision of what your life should look like.

    Set your own compass and live a life very much in line with your own terms.

    Man reading image via Shutterstock

  • Lessons from a TV Detox: Stop Watching and Start Doing

    Lessons from a TV Detox: Stop Watching and Start Doing

    Man Watching TV

    “Action may not always bring happiness but there is no happiness without action.” ~Benjamin Disraeli

    Back when I was a ballroom dance instructor, I never watched TV. This was because online streaming wasn’t yet available, and I worked Monday through Friday from 1pm-10pm.

    But over the past couple of years (and in a new career as a solo-preneur), it’s become way too easy to watch TV episodes on my computer. My one or two favorite shows a week turned into binge watching other recommended series.

    It all started out innocently enough. I enjoyed it as a way to unwind. But it slowly turned into an avoidance tactic.

    When I didn’t want to deal with the mounting laundry, or all the papers to file in my office, or those emails that had me cringing, I escaped into another TV show episode. It was great. I could get swept away into someone else’s drama for hours.

    But when I spent an entire weekend in bed streaming movies and shows for thirty-plus hours, I knew something had to change. Moreover, I knew I was going to have to do it myself. It wasn’t like I was addicted to drugs or alcohol. No one was going to have a TV show intervention with me.

    I decided to put myself on a twenty-one day TV show detox.

    Here is what I learned:

    1. To be more spontaneous.

    Before the detox, it felt like I needed time to completely turn my brain off. I needed time to shut it all down.

    Yet, when I no longer had TV shows to use as an escape, I realized that “need” was a story I was telling myself. I didn’t really need to turn off my brain. Rather, my ego had convinced me that it was important.

    What blossomed as a result was the ability to say yes to last minute adventures with friends. I had more time in my day because I hadn’t wasted it escaping into TV Shows. I learned that it wasn’t downtime I needed; it was creative time. Adding more fun and play in my life, felt great.

    Action: If you too have declined last minute offers to stay at home and watch TV, ask yourself: Is it because the activity is truly not your idea of fun? Or, is it because you’re living in another story? Perhaps it’s the “I’m too tired” story, or, “I need to turn off my brain” story. Acknowledging the fact that it is a story is the first step toward change.

    2. To choose activities that fed my soul.

    Usually after watching an episode or two, my negative self-talk voice would start saying things like, “You’re such a slacker. Look how much time you’re wasting, again! You are so unreliable. How can you help anyone, look at yourself?”

    It wasn’t until I banned TV that I realized how much my negative self-talk relied upon my all-consuming TV habit as its trigger, and why it was so negative—I was yearning for activities that fed my soul.

    Of course, I still allowed myself downtime during the detox, but I chose activities that allowed me to relax without checking out mentally, like reading or connecting with friends.

    Action: Instead of choosing TV as a “downtime” activity, list three activities you can do that help you relax and feed your soul—things that recharge and rejuvenate you.

    3. To face my stuff immediately.

    I don’t know about you, but reading work emails can put me on edge. It’s hard not to take things personally. So, I used to avoid responding by escaping into a TV character’s drama. The character’s overwhelm was far more entertaining. Not to mention the fact that they always came out looking like the hero.

    Without TV, I had to learn how to handle the emotional overwhelm of email in the moment.

    Action: If you, too, use technology or entertainment to delay responding to things that make you feel upset or wonky, practice keeping a small notebook and pen with you. I wrote out all my intense emotions in the notebook. It was my outlet, and it allowed me to get to the core of the issue.

    Writing has the duel affect of being a great way to vent and to spark your creative mind. This helps you come up with a powerful solution that works for everyone. Experiment with it and share below in the comments what happens for you.

    4. To be more social.

    Since I no longer had my TV show “friends,” I was forced to face my loneliness. Being a solo-entrepreneur, I don’t get a lot of social interaction with others unless I specifically plan it.

    So, I joined more meet-up events and met new people. I also scheduled phone dates with friends and I hung out with my family more. It felt good and surprisingly I became more inspired in my work.

    Action: Instead of sitting in front of a screen, sign up to attend an event, or go to a class by yourself (not with your group of friends) and introduce yourself to five other people. Meeting new people can be a big step outside of our comfort zones. But it can also be incredibly rewarding. I’ve met some of my closest friends this way.

    5. To get healthier.

    The most fun result of my TV show detox was that I lost weight.

    I am single and often eat alone at night. So, I used to give myself permission to watch a show while I ate dinner. The problem with this was that I would eat for forty-five minutes instead of the twenty minutes it took me to finish my plate. I would keep munching on things (that bag of chips or those pieces of chocolate) until the show was over.

    Action: Instead of eating and watching TV or eating and doing work, create three dinner dates for yourself this week. (They can be dates with yourself.) Put on your favorite music and take the time to enjoy tasting your food. Or, invite a friend over and prepare a meal together. When you pamper yourself this way, your body naturally relaxes.

    6. To stop distracting myself.

    My TV detox was not a perfect path. I still had low-energy, and overwhelming days. There were nights where I desperately wanted to curl up in my bed and watch a movie. There were also times that I caught myself distracting myself in other ways, by listening to audio books, for example.

    When I felt this way, I realized that what I really wanted was a hug and for someone else to hold me up for a while. So, I created a list of healthy, self-loving activities and I did them instead; for example, taking a hot shower or painting my toenails. By the time I was done, I had my energy back.

    Action: Create a list of twenty-five self-loving activities and post them somewhere that is highly visible. When your energy is low you don’t want to have to go fishing for the list. Instead of disappearing into your low energy by watching a TV show, you release the draining energy and feel even better for showering yourself with love.

    —

    Deciding to put myself on a twenty-one day TV show detox was not the easy choice. It meant facing a bad habit and exploring all the affects it had on my life. But I am eternally grateful for the opportunity to see where I was “hiding” in life and stop the patterns of playing small.

    Man watching TV image via Shutterstock

  • Creating Lasting Happiness and Filling the Void Within

    Creating Lasting Happiness and Filling the Void Within

    Happy Day

    “Happiness is not a goal. It’s a by-product of a life well lived.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

    I don’t care what you do or what you become as long as you’re happy. Just be happy.

    This has been my mother’s well-intentioned maxim throughout my life. As much as it is an example of her unconditional love, it is also a pretty massive request if you think about it, and something I could not seem to be. Ultimately, I failed because I wasn’t happy.

    If she’d wanted me to be a brain surgeon, I could have given it a shot. I’d have known I had to study in particular subjects, gain qualifications, and be okay with looking at the insides of people’s heads. 

    There is no such clear-cut path to happiness. For me, “just being happy” was like trying to find a destination without a map or any idea of how long it was going to take. I was in a state of anxiety for years.

    I stumbled around, desperately chasing something that would make me happy. I wasn’t even sure what it was supposed to feel like. All I knew was that I felt pretty good when I took drugs, and I found passion in lots of boys.

    But nothing lasted, and I needed more and more to fill me up, forever chasing a high.

    I found complete oblivion in 2006, when I developed drug-induced psychosis. You know all those clichés about mad people who think they are Jesus reborn or that they can read your mind? Well, that was me. My mum said when they eventually found me, I smelled like cat food.

    So, after the episode subsided and the yearlong depression that followed lifted, I started researching what had happened to my brain and discovering what happiness means to me.

    For me, it’s not a buzz of excitement. That feeling is just getting what you think you want, and it never lasts. That’s not to say I now shy away from exciting experiences; I just appreciate that they are fleeting moments. And I’ve given up the obsessive chase. 

    Happiness as a By-product

    I am pretty sure happiness is a by-product of other things. Being kind, developing coping skills, persevering with the struggles of life, being grateful for what you have, being still, letting go of things out of your control, doing the next right thing.

    But the biggest discovery is that, for me, finding union with others is when I feel most spiritually awake, because we’re all alone in our heads. Emotionally identifying with another human being is when I feel happiest.

    Instead of chasing happiness in things and achievements, identify what choices make you feel good and good about yourself—and then commit to making those choices regularly.

    You Don’t Have to Renounce Material Things

    For a while I misunderstood the Buddhist idea of renunciation. I thought that in order to be free from suffering, I had to give up the superficial causes of suffering: spending money, sex, alcohol, and looking at myself in the mirror for too long.

    But the thing is, I am a sensory creature in a world full of beautiful things; why not enjoy it? These things in themselves are not bad; it’s the ideas we place on them and the attachments we have that cause the problems.

    If you expect that getting your dream job is going to fill the emptiness inside you, you’re going to run into problems sooner or later.

    Enjoy the material things, but remember that enduring happiness comes from those choices you identified before.

    Letting Go

    A lot of my discontent was due to my inability to let things go, whether that was feelings of rejection in my past or worrying about rejection happening in the future. I used to hate the phrase “let it go.” Okay, so how do you do that then? What do you do to let something go?

    What I’ve learned over the last few years is that letting go, more often than not, means doing nothing. And doing nothing is as much a choice as screaming and shouting.

    Doing nothing gives you space between how you feel and your next positive action. Living in that space means that I am no longer a slave to my emotions, or more accurately, I’m no longer scared to feel them.

    I can notice the feeling, label it, and see it for what it is—a dent to my pride, a knock to my self-esteem. And rather than immediately trying to get rid of it by blaming someone else, self-flagellating, seeking revenge, or anesthetizing with drugs, I have faith that it will go.

    No matter what we’re feeling, it always passes if we let it. So, enjoy happiness while it’s here, and know that if it’s not, so long as you’re making positive choices, it will be back again.

    Happy day image via Shutterstock

  • How to Get Your Joy and Vitality Back When You’ve Been Depressed

    How to Get Your Joy and Vitality Back When You’ve Been Depressed

    “When everything seem to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.” ~Henry Ford

    We all have this image of how depression looks. It’s a person looking all sullen and grim. Rain is usually involved. It’s dark. It’s cloudy. It’s depressing.

    But what about the sunny depression, the one that almost never shows its face in public, the one that looks just… normal.

    I’m a naturally happy person. I wake up smiling. I go to bed smiling. I even smile in my sleep, or so I’ve been told. Yet I’ve been depressed, depressed to the point where I was struggling to find reasons to go on, knowing in my rational mind that I need to find them, yet unable to get there emotionally.

    I was never diagnosed with depression, partly because I refused to actually see a professional about it and partly because I wanted to believe I could somehow find my way out without medication, since it wasn’t induced by a chemical imbalance.

    In a brilliant TED Talk, Andrew Solomon says that “the opposite of depression is not happiness, it’s vitality.” And that’s what I was lacking—the vitality, the drive to do something every day, the desire to step out of the numbness.

    I would spend my weekends alone in my apartment. I would pretend to be sick or tired, and when I would go out, I would go out of my way to not let anything seep through the armor I had built for myself.

    Most of the time, when driving back home, I would start crying in the car and would continue crying until I’d finally fall asleep.

    Sometimes I would sleep, even have happy dreams; other times, I would continue to cry in my dreams until the next morning when I would get up, go through the motions, put on make up to cover my swollen eyes, and start pretending everything was okay once again.

    If you’re reading this wondering if this applies to you and your life, take a look at the signs that finally made me realize I was depressed.

    • I would always find excuses not to do things.
    • I thought I was tough, that I didn’t need help; therefore, I didn’t ask for it.
    • I would cover my lethargy with smiles.
    • I didn’t actually feel unhappy, just uninterested in everything.
    • I started questioning if there was something at the other end, if I would ever get out of this state.

    The more I thought about everything, the sadder I got, and nothing seemed right anymore. I missed the happy me, the one who would wake up with a huge smile on her face, the one who believed that magic happened every day, who made everyone feel better and radiated light wherever she went.

    I looked around and realized I had no idea how to ask for help. I had never done it before and I considered it an act of weakness. But I still decided to try to ask for help. 

    Who was I going to ask? My friends? My family? My boyfriend? I felt ashamed, as if asking for help would make me seem less worthy of their love, as if I would turn into a disappointment. So I didn’t, at least not directly.

    I hinted toward the fact that I was depressed. I may have actually phrased it as “being sad,” but I never asked for what I needed, mainly because I didn’t know what I needed. I didn’t want to be coddled or have anyone feel sorry for me. I just somehow wanted to be loved and supported, but I didn’t really know how.

    And then it hit me. I would never have back the time I was wasting now; I would never have that moment when I could have woken up happy with a giant smile on my face.

    Every moment I spent being sad and depressed was a moment I wasn’t happy, a moment I could have spent with my family, my friends, and my boyfriend. For every moment I was depressed, I was losing a moment of happiness.

    I made a commitment to myself to find that happy me, that person full of love and vitality, the person that I knew still existed inside of me. It wasn’t easy. I had so many moments when I just wanted to crawl back into the cocoon of sadness and numbness I had created for myself, but I still tried every day.

    I knew I didn’t want to go on like this anymore. Here are a few things you can do when you find yourself in a somewhat similar situation.

    1. Stop putting yourself down for not waking up with a smile on your face.

    Instead, create a routine that will help you start the day off right. I did a short, guided meditation every morning. It was only five minutes long and at first it annoyed me, but I stuck with it and soon enough I started waking up and looking forward to it. And after a while, I was starting to do it every time I had a few minutes to myself. This allowed me to step into a place of acceptance and a place where I loved myself no matter what.

    2. Start looking for the little moments.

    Instead of demanding for the entire day to be happy, look for those little perfect moments in every day. Those little perfect moments can be as simple as your coworker bringing your favorite coffee to work one day or someone calling you just to say they missed you.

    For me, the perfect moments I will probably always remember were going to my favorite pizza place in the middle of the night, getting tickets to a concert I was dying to go to, yet it had been sold out for months, getting text messages that just said “I miss you” or “You’ve been on my mind.”

    3. Surround yourself with joyful people.

    And stay away from the ones who only see the bad side of things. We all have those people in our lives that charge us with energy and lift our spirits, and then we have those people who bring us down.

    I tried as much as I could to spend time with those high-energy people that filled me with love and joy.

    Sometimes when I was around those joyful people, I would feel a little sadness and anxiety, as if the pain inside me just wanted to come out. And many times, I decided to talk about it with them, knowing that they would always find the best thing to say to bring me up and help me release that tightness inside.

    4. Allow yourself to feel your feelings.

    If you feel happy for a moment, allow yourself to be happy; if you are feeling sad, allow yourself to be sad without judging yourself, but also without dwelling on that feeling of sadness.

    5. Don’t dwell on the negative.

    Whenever you feel like talking about all the bad things in the world, find a tiny little thing that was good and hang onto that one.

    When those moments come when you feel full of anxiety, as if you’re going to break into a million pieces, allow yourself to talk about how you’re feeling, to get it all out, to release it and then to let it go.

    I always found it helpful to talk about things with a positive person who did nothing else but listen. They didn’t push their advice on me, they didn’t convince me it was all in my head; they just listened and asked questions that helped me understand what was going on, and supported me as best as they could.

    6. Start working out.

    I worked out even more than before, to the point where exercise became my therapy. I would always pick the classes or the home videos with motivational trainers who lifted my spirit. Soon enough, I not only felt good during and after working out, but I also felt good when I looked in the mirror.

    —

    Throughout this journey of coming back to my happy and joyful self, I took big steps and little steps. I just took everything as it came and looked for reasons to keep me on my path every day.

    Some days it was easy, other days it felt like a pain, and other days I just felt numb, as if I was waiting for my life to pass and get to a better place all on its own. Then I would remember once again: I will never get this time back; this time might be all I have. How do I want to spend it?

    Do I want to be numb, full of pain, or full of fear? Or do I want to live it to the fullest, to enjoy every moment as much as I can, to be kind and loving?

    I don’t know if I laugh in my sleep, but I do wake up smiling. My dreams are back, my desire to live life regardless of the challenges and circumstances thrown at me is back, and my sunny sky is real now.

    It’s not always easy, and the days when depression rears its ugly head can still show up when you least expect it. But if you’re kinder to yourself, if you set healthy boundaries, and allow yourself to be happy and sad, then you’re already winning

  • Finding a Window of Opportunity When Life Closes a Door

    Finding a Window of Opportunity When Life Closes a Door

    Man Looking Out Window

    “Things work out best for those who make the best of how things work out.” ~John Wooden

    “Why don’t you just take up swimming?” the doctor asked.

    I was twenty years old, single-minded in my pursuit of a dance career, visiting yet another doctor about the vicious tendinitis that had forced me to give up my spot at the prestigious Juilliard School in New York City.

    What the doctor didn’t understand is that dance isn’t just a sporting activity; it’s a way of life, an identity.

    Telling a young dancer to “just take up swimming” is about as helpful as telling a woman receiving treatment for infertility to “just take up knitting.”

    Needless to say, I didn’t follow the doctor’s advice. Instead, I spent a good five years on the quest for the miracle cure, hopping from doctor to doctor, from treatment to treatment.

    Life went on, I graduated from college, I got a job, but in many ways I was stuck. I couldn’t really invest myself in anything else, because surely I might be able to start dancing again at any moment, and I refused to do anything that might jeopardize that possibility.

    As a result, I lived my life in a sort of painful limbo.

    I was unable to dance, but I was unable to move on either. Dance was like a bad lover who never truly cared for me, but kept me on a string, waiting in the wings, sighing my life away.

    Thankfully, I eventually did move on. It took about five years, but I finally accepted that a career as a dancer was not in the cards, and though I had to grieve this loss, once the fog of grief cleared, I found to my surprise that my chances for happiness had not died along with my dream of being a dancer.

    Perhaps it was my youthful naiveté that led me to believe that dance was my one and only passion. Perhaps I was influenced by the false, but sadly very prevalent, notion that we each have only one soul mate for all of time.

    Whatever the reason, I truly believed that I’d burned through my one shot at passion, and that I was destined to live the rest of my life in black and white.

    (This may sound overly dramatic, but remember, I was barely out of adolescence at the time, and young people do tend to be dramatic.)

    Just a few years after I decided to move on from dance, not long after getting married, I discovered a love of calligraphy and making things with my hands. Lo and behold, it turned out I wasn’t limited to one passion after all! I became just as passionate about art as I’d ever been about dance, and even started a business selling my art.

    Then my marriage fell apart. During the painful year of my divorce, now that my tendinitis had finally cleared up, I started going out salsa dancing for fun, and I discovered that lost things sometimes come back.

    Yes, I’d lost my dream of a dance career, but it felt like dance was being given back to me, in a new form.

    Now I had not one, but two passions: art and salsa dancing!

    The Universe has a wicked sense of humor, though, and a year into my salsa mania, a new foot injury flared up. I could barely walk, let alone go out salsa dancing. Once again, the thing I loved to do was barred from me.

    This time around, though, things were different. This time, I didn’t hang around in limbo.

    I still got to have my art, for one thing, but I didn’t settle for that alone. Some friends had taken me to see Teatro Zinzanni in San Francisco for my thirty-fourth birthday (imagine Cirque du Soleil plus a five-course meal) and I had been transfixed by the aerial artists.

    “I want to do that!” I thought. And instead of putting the idea on a shelf (as I had with so many other ideas in my life), I thought, “Heck, why not? If I can’t dance on the ground, I will dance in the air!”

    They say that when the Universe closes a door, it opens a window, and I leaped through that window! I found a circus school about an hour away, enrolled in an aerial arts class, and for the next year I did dance in the air.

    What a difference from the first time I lost dance!

    The first time, I refused to accept how things worked out. I admire my persistence, but I must say it didn’t lead to happiness.

    I don’t have any regrets about how things turned out, but I sometimes wonder how things might have been different if, instead of just doggedly aiming down a path that no longer existed, I had also kept my eyes open for an alternate path.

    What if, for example, I had discovered aerial arts at twenty instead of thirty-four? What if I had opened my mind to the possibility of a completely different passion?

    Of course, that’s exactly what happened eventually anyway.

    Eventually the crappy things that happened in my life fertilized some rich harvests; I just spent a lot of miserable years first.

    It’s not always easy to move on. It’s not always easy to see the windows that the Universe opens after closing a door. Processing a loss happens in its own time, and it cannot be rushed.

    What I’ve learned, though, is that I’ve been happier when I’ve made the best of how things work out. When I’ve made the best of what was in front of me, things have always rather miraculously worked out.

    With an open mind (and a liberal dose of patience and self-compassion), the worst things in my life have alchemized into unexpected gold.

    It can be hard to keep an open mind when things go terribly wrong, but the happiest people do just that. Challenging as it is, I know it has done me immeasurable good to let go of my attachment of how I think things “should” be.

    This, if you think about it, is the ultimate dance: dancing with the Universe. Whatever tempo or style of music it throws at you, our job is to make the best of it, say yes, and take a spin around the floor.

    Is there a place in your own life where things have worked out differently from how you wanted? How might you turn the crappy things in your own life into a rich harvest?

    Man at window image via Shutterstock

  • Rethinking Mistakes and Recognizing the Good in “Bad” Choices

    Rethinking Mistakes and Recognizing the Good in “Bad” Choices

    Thinking Woman

    “Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.” ~Unknown

    For most of my life, I’ve seen the world in black and white, and I’ve felt constricted and pained as a result.

    When I was a young girl, I believed there were good people and bad people, and I believed I was bad.

    When I was an adolescent, I believed there was good food and bad food, and because everything tasty fell into the latter category, I channeled the shame from feeling bad into bulimia.

    And when I grew into adulthood, I believed there were good decisions and bad decisions, which may sound like a healthy belief system, but this created extreme anxiety about the potential to make the “wrong” choice.

    When you see life as a giant chess game, with the possibility of winning or losing, it’s easy to get caught up in your head, analyzing, strategizing, and putting all your energy into coming out victorious.

    Back then, I thought for sure that if I made a misstep, I’d end up unhappy and unfulfilled, not to mention unworthy and unlovable—because there was a right path and a wrong path, and it was disgraceful to not know the difference.

    One pointed toward success and bliss (which I desperately wanted to follow), and one led to certain doom.

    With this in mind, I thought long and hard before moving to Spokane, Washington, at twenty-two. To live with a stranger I’d met on the Internet. And had only known for two months and met in person once.

    Okay, so I didn’t really think long and hard. But I felt in my gut, when we first connected, that this was the right choice for me.

    In fact, I felt certain, something I rarely felt about anything (except my innate bad-ness).

    He told me we were soul mates, which was exactly what I wanted to hear, especially after spending six months bouncing from hospital to hospital, trying find the worth and substance locked somewhere within my cage of bones.

    It made sense to me that, if I had a soul mate, he wouldn’t live right next door.

    Disney may tell us it’s a small world, but it’s not; and I thought for sure there was something big awaiting me 3,000 miles from my hometown near Boston.

    People told me I was making a mistake when I shared the details of my plan.

    Some said I was too fragile to move out of my parents’ house, even if I’d planned to move close to home.

    Some said I was a fool to think this man was my soul mate, or that I had one at all.

    Some said I’d one day regret this choice and that they’d have to say “I told you so.”

    But I felt absolutely confident in my decision—until he came to Massachusetts, two weeks before I was scheduled to move, to meet me for the first time.

    I knew right then it was wrong, somewhere in my gut. I didn’t feel even the slightest spark, but my “soul mate” and I had already planned a new life together. Before we’d even met.

    And I didn’t want to admit I’d made the wrong choice—not to him, who I was sure would be devastated, and not to the others, who I feared would be smug and self-righteous.

    So I moved across the country anyway, thinking that maybe I’d feel differently after getting to know him better.

    If you’ve ever seen a movie, you know exactly how things didn’t pan out. Since life isn’t a romantic comedy, I didn’t eventually realize he was my soul mate and fall madly in love.

    Instead, our individual demons battled with each other, we fought for the better part of six months, and we eventually broke each other’s spirits, broke down, and then broke up.

    You could say, after reading this, that I had made the wrong choice—especially knowing that I knew, the day I met him, that he wasn’t the man for me.

    You could say I’d chosen a bad path, running away from home in a misguided attempt to outrun who I had been.

    These are things I assumed I’d think if I ever decided it was time to leave.

    And yet I didn’t think these things at all. In fact, this was the very first time I broadened my vision to see not just shades of grey, but a whole rainbow of vibrant colors.

    Yes, I’d made an impulsive choice, largely driven by fear and fantasy. Yes, I’d acted against my instincts. And yet I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it had not been the “wrong” choice.

    Because right then, I realized that, despite things not working out as I planned, I’d learned and grown through the experience, and it had served a purpose, even if not the one I originally envisioned.

    Our demons colliding was a blessing, not a curse, because it forced us both to more closely examine how our issues affected our relationships—mine being toxic shame and destructive tendencies, and his being his business, and not for public consumption.

    Moving so far away was valuable, not shameful, because it taught me the difference between running away from what I didn’t want and running toward what I did—a lesson I struggled to apply for many more years, but, nonetheless, now understood.

    And acting against my instinct was a good thing, not a bad thing, because it taught me to listen to my intuition in the future, even if I might disappoint someone else—a lesson I may never have fully embraced without having had this experience.

    That’s the thing about “wrong” choices; they usually teach us things we need to know to make the right choices for ourselves going forward, things we can only learn in this way.

    Notice that I wrote “the right choices for ourselves”—not the “right choices.” Because the thing is, there are no right choices.

    There isn’t one single way that we should live our lives, or else we’ll be unhappy. There isn’t one path that will lead us to success, bliss, and fulfillment.

    There isn’t a straight ladder we’re meant to climb, hitting milestone after milestone until we emerge at the top, victorious, with the view to show for it.

    There’s just a long, winding road of possibilities, each with lessons contained within it—lessons that can help us heal the broken parts of ourselves and find beautiful pieces we never knew existed. Pieces we couldn’t know existed until we made choices and saw how we felt.

    If there’s one thing I’ve learned since that very first move, over a decade ago, it’s that life never offers any guarantees. And it can also be incredibly ironic.

    Sometimes the people who seem to make all the right choices are the least happy with the people they’re being and the lives they’re leading.

    We could spend our whole lives looking for external validation that we’re following a path that’s “good”—living in a narrow, black-and-white world, feeling terrified of making mistakes.

    Or, we could commit to finding something good in every step along the way, knowing that the only real mistake is the choice not to grow.

    I don’t know if this is right for everyone. But I know this is right for me.

    On this Technicolor journey of unknown destination, I am not good nor bad, not right nor wrong, but most importantly, not restricted. In this world of infinite possibility, at all turns, I am free.

    Thinking woman image via Shutterstock

  • Why We Should Look Forward to More of Each Day

    Why We Should Look Forward to More of Each Day

    Excited for the day

    “Use your smile to change the world; don’t let the world change your smile.” ~Unknown

    For most of us the average day includes a mix of things we both look forward to and things we don’t look forward to. We look forward to coffee in the morning, we regret that we have to go to work; we look forward to coming home at the end of the day, we dislike that we have to do laundry.

    But how much of your life are you giving up if you dread, dislike, regret and don’t look forward to, say, 50% of your average day? Logical reasoning says that, based on this estimate, you’re giving up half of your entire life. And you’re giving it up simply because you aren’t looking at your life from a healthy perspective.

    When we don’t look forward to something—when we don’t enjoy it—we aren’t very present in that current moment. It’s like life is just passing by, and we’re just waiting for it to pass so we can get on with the more fun or interesting parts of each day.

    When we get caught up in this waiting-for-better-moments routine, we aren’t actively living, are we?

    We end up passive, joyless, unhappy, and unfulfilled. All because we’re waiting for the good things in life to happen for us.

    Stop waiting.

    You can have crazy amounts of joy and excitement in life if you just change the perspective from which you view things. And you can do it by following this one simple rule:

    Look forward to each day.

    A Life of Looking Forward

    Looking forward to even the smallest parts of your day can not only make that day more enjoyable, but it can also improve your outlook on life, help you appreciate the things you have, keep you from getting stressed out, and help you have better relationships.

    Look forward to each day and you’ll realize the millions of silver linings you’ve been ignoring, if only because you weren’t looking for them.

    Maybe the first time you actively decide to look forward to going to work, you’ll realize how lucky you are to simply have a job. The next day you look forward to work, you might remember a kind act that someone at the office did for you the previous day and look forward to repaying that action.

    Once you start looking forward to things more often, you’ll find more and more reasons to appreciate and be excited for everything that comes your way.

    Look forward to paying your bills. You’re buying a roof over your head—something that other people in the world might never have the luxury to afford.

    Look forward to sitting in traffic during rush hour; think of it as down time to reflect on the events of your day.

    I might sound a little crazy to you right about now if you’re used to hating all of these things. Bills and traffic, after all, are never something to look forward to, right?

    Only if you choose to have that perspective about them.

    How I Started Looking Forward to Every Day

    I won’t say that I’m a naturally negative person. I no longer believe that anyone is “naturally” anything. You can change anything about yourself if you really, really want to. I’ve learned that now.

    I will say, though, that I am a pretty stressed out person most days. At least I was. Between you and me, I still am sometimes.

    But I’ve chosen to stop being negative and to stop being stressed. I only try to enjoy everything. Each day I look forward to all the potential good things that could happen. I don’t lie to myself. I just look at everything in a positive light.

    I used to dislike how I looked. I regretted the things I wasn’t born with. I regretted the opportunities I had never had. I disliked having to work when I didn’t feel like it. Many days I just waited for “this day” to be over, hoping that maybe tomorrow would be better.

    I wish I could say that some life-changing realization struck me suddenly on a windy, mysterious night and that said realization allowed me to live my life positively from that day forward.

    But that would be a lie.

    The truth is, it took many years of me feeling bad about myself and searching for ways to feel better.

    It took many sincere conversations for me to realize how negative I was being, and it took many, many attempts to correct my perspective and my behavior for me to finally, genuinely be positive.

    You know, it’s kind of frustrating the first time that you realize you had the power to make your life drastically more enjoyable just by changing your perspective.

    As soon as I started looking forward to just being me, my life became much happier. Every day is a good day now, because I’ve chosen to see it that way.

    Don’t get me wrong; I still get sad, angry, and stressed. But I experience negative emotions like these much less often because I don’t wake up each day thinking about all the possible ways my day could go wrong.

    Instead, I wake up and focus on all the great opportunities just waiting for me.

    I’m telling you this because I’m hoping that you won’t spend years trying to be happier, and that you’ll simply start looking forward to each new day and feel all the joy that you’ve been missing out on.

    I do understand, though, that it’s kind of hard to just suddenly start looking forward to everything, so here are a few tricks that work for me. Maybe they will help you start to view each day in an optimistic light.

    1. Keep good feelings with you all the time.

    If I watch an inspiring movie, witness a random act of kindness, or even just feel especially happy on a given day, I choose to remember those feelings and keep them in the forefront of my mind as I do whatever I’m doing. It’s like having an extra blanket of positivity in addition to me looking forward to my day.

    Focus on retaining positive feelings and you’ll be a lot stronger when negative things come your way.

    2. Just live.

    If I find that my mind is wandering and that I’m stressing out about things I have to do today or that I’m trying to plan out my day too aggressively, I remind myself that I need to live in the present moment.

    I stop thinking about everything. I just live. If I’m writing, I hone in on how good it feels to be typing. If I’m driving, I make sure to appreciate the scenery with extra attention to detail. I stop trying to control everything, and I just live in the moment.

    3. Think of everything you are grateful for.

    Another trick I’ve learned for suppressing negative thoughts and feelings is to think of everything I have. I think of all the things in that current moment that I can be grateful for, and I swear I find more and more each time.

    I’ll tell you one thing: It’s really hard to be angry about a late rent check when you’re simultaneously grateful for the comfortable home in which you live.

    4. Forgive everything.

    I have to say, I’m still working on this one. But it does help me tremendously when I’m able to do it. My temper can be pretty off-the-handle, and someone cutting me off in traffic is definitely enough to spark it.

    But I’ve gotten a lot better at remembering that I’ve probably done that same thing before, and I get over the issue and move on with my day.

    It’s a lot easier to look forward to everything when you don’t let baggage from the past weigh you down.

    If you take anything away from this today, let it be this: You are you. And that’s all you need to make today awesome. Look forward to it.

    Happy jogger image via Shutterstock

  • A Beginner’s Guide To Trying New Things

    A Beginner’s Guide To Trying New Things

    Yoga

    “To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” ~Pema Chodron

    I have a confession: I was really scared of trying yoga for the first time.

    I know, I know, it’s not exactly bungee jumping or skydiving, activities that warrant a certain amount of fear. In fact, yoga seems downright tame by comparison. But I was still scared nonetheless.

    Someone recommended the age-old practice to me to stretch out my perpetually tight hamstrings and strengthen my bad knee. But instead of jumping at the chance to heal my body through gentle, non-invasive movements, I just felt breathless resistance.

    I was worried about pushing my body to its limits; folding it into all those limb-defying, uncomfortable-looking positions.

    I was scared to rock up in my dark-and-sensible workout outfit, entirely unfashionable next to the skimpy neon ensembles I imagined on everyone else.

    But most of all, I dreaded the idea of not being good at it. Of being a beginner, a novice, an amateur.

    But where does such thinking get us?

    If we’re not prepared to start out as a beginner, we are limiting ourselves to a very small selection of things that we have a natural affinity for. We are closing ourselves off from a boat-load of new experiences. We may think we are protecting ourselves, yet it’s really just keeping us small and stifled.

    Dan John, a famed weight lifting coach, has an expression which he often uses on his students: “You’re not good enough to be disappointed.”

    At first, this might seem like a harsh statement, a “get over yourself, you’re no good anyway” statement.

    But it’s actually an extremely liberating concept. When we start out trying something new and unknown, it’s normal to be bad at it. In fact, it’s normal to be utterly terrible at it. That’s what beginning is all about.

    And Mr John’s insightful statement tells us that as beginners, we have no need to be angry or frustrated at ourselves for our lack of ability. In fact, we have no right to—we are exactly where we need to be, doing exactly what we should be doing, at the level that is perfect for us in that moment.

    We are beginning. And it is a raw and uncomfortable and difficult phase to navigate.

    As children we did it boldly, with ease. In fact, we were applauded loudly for making such attempts—faltering steps and crash landings were considered cause for celebration.

    Now though, as adults, we are so scared to fall down—to look foolish or downright stupid—that we restrain ourselves from venturing into the unknown. And we are the poorer for it.

    Buddha says that we should be cultivating a “beginner’s mind”—that glorious state where we see fresh perspectives with kind eyes and a compassionate spirit.

    So, in the spirit of the beginner’s mind, and with the firm knowledge that I had no right to be disappointed, I ventured forth into the mysterious, unknown world of yoga.

    And of course, I struggled and I wobbled and I fell over at one point. I got sweaty and frustrated and absolutely wanted to walk out. But I kept up a constant stream of whispering in my own ear: be kind, be gentle, keep going.

    And I did.

    One class turned into two, then three, then four, until suddenly, a weekly habit was born. A weekly habit that now fills me with such incredible peace and stillness, taking my raucous, monkey mind and allowing it incredibly long moments of peace at a stretch (seriously, like twenty whole seconds of unadulterated bliss at a time!).

    And all of this borne off the back of my Buddhist and weightlifting-inspired mantra: Be kind, be gentle, keep going.

    What can the mantra of the beginner do for you?

    Yoga image via Shutterstock

  • Why Life Is A Lot More Fun When We Stop Trying to Be Perfect

    Why Life Is A Lot More Fun When We Stop Trying to Be Perfect

    Friends Having Fun

    “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen

    “Oh, my god,” she said, “I forgot to shave my left leg!”

    That may not sound like a particularly dramatic announcement, but Jenny and I were sharing a seat on the chartered bus taking our senior class to the beach for “Senior Cut Day” a few weeks before graduation, and her discovery horrified me.

    An unshaved leg, it seemed to me at the time, was scandalous in the extreme.

    Had it been me who forgot to shave, I would have kept my sweats on all day rather than display my embarrassing imperfection.

    Jenny, on the other hand, not only shared her faux pas with me, she then announced it loudly to the entire bus. She laughed about it, and invited everyone else to laugh, too!

    I was appalled.

    I was also fascinated. That someone could intentionally draw attention to her imperfection, and laugh about it, was mortifying, yes, but also intriguing…

    It was hot at the beach that day. My well-shaved legs were bare, but I had forgotten to pack a T-shirt, and because I was self-conscious that my belly wasn’t perfectly flat as a pancake, I kept my sweatshirt on over my bikini.

    Rivulets of sweat rolled down my torso, but heaven forbid I put my imperfection on display!

    Jenny, meanwhile, spent the day laughing, playing volleyball, splashing in the waves, quite unconcerned about her hairy left leg.

    Can you guess who had the better time?

    You might think that this experience would have taught me something, but in fact, before I finally began to let go of perfectionism and ease into becoming myself in all my flawed, imperfect glory, I spent decades flagellating myself for not being perfect.

    Somehow I believed that I couldn’t be lovable if I weren’t perfect, so I was caught in a vicious cycle: aiming for perfection, failing, then beating myself up for the failure and goading myself on toward perfection again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

    Throughout my teens and twenties, in pursuit of the perfect body, I was plagued with eating disorders, kept carefully secret so as not to reveal my flaws to the world.

    In college, nothing less than an A was acceptable. The pure joy of learning took a back seat to striving for the perfect grade point average.

    Meanwhile, in relationships I hid my true self behind a mask, fearing that nobody would love me if they saw the real, flawed me.

    Amazingly, I did find a man I could be myself with, but when we decided to get married, I was the quintessential “Bridezilla,” completely focused on planning the perfect wedding.

    My obsessive pursuit of perfection helped me stay in denial about the fact that, although we loved each other, the relationship was built on a shaky foundation.

    During my marriage I discovered a love for making art, but the joy I experienced when creating was soon overtaken by misery, because nothing I made ever felt good enough. Eventually it seemed easier not to create at all. I became paralyzed by perfectionism.

    I could say that it was the very public “failure” of my divorce that started me on the road to accepting myself. Or that it was the college classes in Feminist theory, which helped me overcome my eating disorder and start to accept my body the way it was.

    In fact, I see self-acceptance as a long and winding journey, composed of thousands upon thousands of teeny, tiny baby steps, over the course of an entire lifetime.

    Baby steps like the revelation—thanks to Jenny on that high school bus ride—that it’s possible to laugh at yourself, and even draw attention to your flaws, and that this may be a more comfortable way to deal with them than trying to hide them all the time.

    Baby steps like the gradual dawning that instead of beating myself up, I could forgive myself for my mistakes and missteps, and that responding with self-compassion was a much more pleasant way to live.

    Baby steps like the epiphany that making ugly messes at my art table is infinitely more fun and satisfying than making nothing at all (and that often what I deem “ugly” at first, appears less so after some time has passed!)

    Gradually I untangled the false belief that only if I were perfect would I be worthy of love and happy.

    Letting go of the attempt to be perfect took a long time. At first it felt like a dishonorable surrender, like giving up and “letting myself go.” But when I thought about the people I loved most in my life, I realized that of course not one of them was perfect.

    I realized that the people I love being around the most are those who accept themselves as they are, who are comfortable in their own skin. Why should I expect anything different from myself?

    Little by little I began to deprogram myself. In fact, I intentionally embraced imperfectionism, and discovered, much to my surprise, that the more I allowed myself to just be me, the happier, more serene, and more content I became. And the more attracted other people were to me, too!

    There’s nothing wrong with self-improvement, but the truth is, none of us is—or can even hope to be—perfect. We may pursue mastery, excellence, improvement, and be challenged by the pursuit, but insisting on perfection can only lead to self-disgust and unhappiness.

    The only thing we can ever really hope to be perfect at is being our flawed and wonderful selves.

    If you’ve been stuck in a perfectionist spin cycle, what’s one thing you might do to press the pause button?

    Giving up on being perfect is hard. The work of becoming yourself is hard. The payoff, though, is truly amazing, and you’ll continue to reap the benefits for the rest of your life.

    Friends having fun image via Shutterstock

  • Are You Too Busy to Enjoy Your Life?

    Are You Too Busy to Enjoy Your Life?

    Happy Guy

    “It’s not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: what are we busy about?” ~Henry David Thoreau

    I was slipping deeper into a dark spiral after my fortieth birthday, looking for anything to grab onto and pull myself out of the darkness. Some said I was having a midlife crisis, but I believe it was actually the beginning of an awakening for me. For the sake of argument, I’ll call it a midlife awakening.

    This by no means meant that I understood the meaning of life and was all of a sudden enlightened and happy—quite the contrary. I was seeing for the first time the “me” that everyone else saw and had no idea who that person was or wanted to be.

    Try as I might, I could not remember much about my thirties. I know worked a lot and was raising my daughters as well as coaching; I was staying busy but definitely not living. I became numb to my surroundings: feeling no pain, no happiness, nothing but a big empty hole inside.

    Still, the real wakeup call came after returning to school as a forty year old. Working on an assignment for a speech class I watched a video tape of an overweight, sad, negative person.

    This led me toward the beginning of my journey and the first challenge was to rid myself of negativity. It was a journey to be positive and learn how to “live” my life as each moment presents itself to me.

    Setting out on a quest to find a spiritual balance that was not tied to labels and judgment, the biggest test was still being around people that knew the old me as I continued my transformation. It’s easy to get dragged back into old habits and feelings, so I separated myself from as many “triggers” as I could.

    In 2007 after my youngest daughter turned twenty-one, I made the decision to separate and later divorce, since the relationship was a major source of negativity.

    I was nineteen when this relationship started, so I never had a chance to know myself and, as selfish as it sounds, I needed to know me. One of the first things I learned was that I did not know how to be alone. As a matter of fact, this was my first time in my life with my own apartment.

    There was a lot of reading and soul searching going on and still going on, but little by little I got better at being me.

    In the fall of 2009 I met my soul mate, and although I previously said I would never marry again, in June of 2010 I asked and she accepted. We once wondered why we couldn’t have met sooner in our lives, but I know the answer is that we were not the people we are today, so it would not have been the same.

    I have never pretended to possess all the answers but I do freely give some advice when the opportunity arises, especially when people bring a child into the world. That is not take one moment for granted and enjoy their child or grandchild every chance they have.

    We spend so much time being busy and not enough time just being.

    I rarely look at the news, television, or read a newspaper because many times when I do I feel bad, and common sense tells me if something feels bad, don’t do it.

    Outside of work I try to surround myself with positive, good hearted people and do activities that help keep me centered.

    Exercise and running have become my best centering activities. Trail running particularly meets all of this criteria because it seems to draw these people, and if you run a rocky, root bound, hilly trail you had better be in the moment.

    There are moments that I know are gone forever and I can’t go back and try again to live them. I will strive to live every minute I am afforded and try to share what I have learned with anyone who is willing to listen.

    My intent is to pass on my love for the beauty and serenity of nature and the satisfaction of learning from everyone we meet along the way.

    I would love to tell you that I live in complete peace and harmony all the time now and I have my life in perfect order. But that wouldn’t be true. Still, living is a more positive and open-minded process now and I feel like I am a better person—one who does not have to be faultless.

    Also by having a more positive group of friends, I have help on the days when the ego wants the negative side to make an appearance.

    As our responsibilities grow it is increasingly easy to retreat into busy mode, overloading our senses, and lose touch with those around us.

    Staying busy as a defense mechanism leaves you stagnant; not growing, not solving anything, and not living your life. It is the equivalent of looking the other way and thinking that if you don’t see something it is not real.

    I try to remind myself to cherish every moment I am given with my family, friends, and people I care about. I fight the urge to excuse myself from experiences, from this moment, because if I tell someone “I’m just too busy” I will never get that time back.

    I read somewhere that if you stick your hand in a river you can never touch the same water twice, because by the time you stick your hand back in the water has moved on. It is like that with time and being busy simply for the sake of being busy; once that moment is gone you can never get it back.

    Happy guy image via Shutterstock