“To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is: a dissatisfaction with self.” ~Joan Didion
When I was a young man I had an issue with relationships. Looking back now, it is easy to see that I had low self-esteem, though I could not see it at the time. Because of my low self-image and my neediness, many relationships that could have had a decent chance went by the way side.
I developed a low-level anxiety about how much any girlfriend cared for me, which, in turn, became outright jealousy and resulted in controlling behavior.
I would worry that my girlfriend was going to leave me for another man, and would then become aggressive, starting arguments. I would act out when she wanted to go out with her friends. If we went out together, I would fly into a rage when we got home if she had so much as glanced at other men.
Of course, all of this behavior was about demanding, without explicitly saying it, that she demonstrated how much she loved me. This was because, despite all the evidence to the contrary, I believed she did not.
Ironically, the more she showed me she loved me, the less I believed her.
So I became more controlling. I decided I was the victim and became moody, sulky, withdrawn, and passive-aggressive, yet again manipulating my environment to get the attention I craved.
Negative attention was better than nothing. Yet if I lost all attention because of my behavior, I was okay with that. I would have preferred be alone and know I was right than be in a relationship and live with the fear that I was not good enough. But once I was alone again, I wanted a relationship to prove that I was lovable.
My Fear
I tried to control the fear that I was unlovable by controlling the person I loved. I even took to confronting men who I saw as a threat to us as couple.
By threatening and controlling other men, I could control my girlfriend and thus control my own fear. It seemed logical at the time.
As you may have guessed, it had the opposite effect. My attempts to control the women I dated ended up driving them away. Either they would end the relationship, or I would before they did. (It felt better to end it before they had the chance, proving the very thing I was trying to disprove.)
Sometimes my behavior drove them toward other men. I made them feel so unsafe that the only safe way to leave me was to have some protection in the form of another man. Thus was fulfilled the ultimate in self-fulfilling prophecies.
Then one day, after a lengthy period of learning and reflecting on the repetitive patterns in my relationships, I decided to grow up.
I realized that I could not control my girlfriends and that trying to control them had the opposite effect. I also realized:
- We have no control over others. In fact, control is often an illusion.
- We can’t make someone love us by fearing that they won’t.
- Fearing that someone may be unfaithful will not ensure that they won’t be.
I realized that letting go of control was the safest option, for me and for everyone else. I also recognized that my fear was often greater than the things I worried about, and that I needed to deal with it.
Lastly, I realized that I needed to learn to love myself and stop expecting others to do something I wasn’t doing for myself.
As a result of some intense personal development work, I started to love myself. I started to acknowledge and appreciate my strengths and validate myself in the way I’d hoped others would; in turn, my fear subsided and has all but left.
Now I choose to trust my girlfriend. I have no more control over her than if I chose to be suspicious, needy, and fearful. In essence, I am choosing to be happy. By choosing to trust her I remove the fear, let go of control, and start to enjoy the relationship for what it is.
We can choose to live in fear or not—that’s something we can control. And we can also control if we choose to be miserable or happy. I chose happy.
Photo by Emiliano Horcada
About Julian Hall
Julian Hall is founder and director of Calm People who are experts in emotional resilience dealing with stress, conflict and anger management. They help individuals, groups and organisations take responsibility and deal with the challenges that face anyone living in an ever changing and crowded world.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Really wise choice. Congratulations!
I hope this post really inspire others in the position you were.
I dated a person who made me go through a lot because of this behaviour, I really loved that person, but I couldn’t find the right ways to make that person believe me. So this kind of mentality ends up hurting both parties. I left that relationship feeling I wasn’t giving enough when actually I didn’t have anything else to give.
Hurray for self-love and the ability to grow for the better. Happiness really is a choice. =)
Wow! I can see some of my ex boyfriend in this article, a man who I am still very much in love with and, who says, he loves me. But until we can get past his low self esteem when it comes to relationships and learn to trust despite the risk of hurt…we won’t have a future.
Good stuff!
Great post, that is a behavior/fear I am very familiar with, as I have been working through that myself. I am impressed how you were able to articulate it, thank you for sharing your insight!!! 🙂
I was that guy and while it is not completely behind me yet, I am learning the value of self love, resilience and being mindful.
I love my wife! This much is true but until I can get on with myself, we are not together. Tough pill to swallow but I know through hard work, therapy and a will to be at peace with myself and the world around me, what will be will be.
I love and accept myself exactly as I am!! My affirmation each day!
I was this guy and am a work-in-progress but this post really resonated with me. Learning self-love and being resilient to fear is a tough road but one that allows for much more fulfilling relationships. Thanks for sharing your story.
Brilliant article! Thank you so much for carefully putting into words all the fear and insecurities relationship-wise.
Warmth, Mo.
I’m glad it’s inspiring especially for you to identify the behaviours. I hope it helps those in the position I was in to change
You are welcome. Thank you for appreciating
Good work. It’s slow but worthwhile
Thank you
Fantastic article. It encapsulates everything i’ve been feeling in my current relationship. I’ve lived with so much shame and guilt over the past two years for living this cycle of jealousy, fear, and self-loathing. It’s reached critical mass and i’m trying so hard to break that cycle.
“Then one day, after a lengthy period of learning and reflecting on the repetitive patterns in my relationships, I decided to grow up.” WOW!!! this sentence sums up my path during the last five months. Thank you for such an amazing piece of wisdom…many souls in this world need to read these words and try to make the decision to be happy and let go of the control and the fear. God bless you!!!
That is one excellent article! Not only do you describe the excruciating behaviour in painful detail but you also prove that it IS possible to turn that behaviour around. The trouble is that the majority of those kinds of people do not see anything wrong with the way they behave and just continue the vicious cycle 🙁
Wow this was me. Partly caused my worst fear. My wife did have an affair and my behavior was driving her away. We both owned our actions and I have grown exponentially in terms of self love and self esteem. We have come a long way and we are truly happy. I wish I did not have to hit that rock bottom place. But all the hurt was worth it to get to this place. Thank you for sharing this article with us. Hits so close to home for many
I am the same, and I realised it a while ago, I am trying to work it out, to change myself. I hope I can still fix my relationship.
So Right Ana…….ultimate;y we can only show the way
I need help badly
i will try to keep it as short as possible
i was with my ex for 7 years in a tough relationship, since she was possessive, demanding and belligerent. on the contrary, i happened to be patient and tolerant. nevertheless, i hung in there, because we spent quite a long time together.
problems escalated from 2013. i moved into a new city, started my career and met new people and befriended them. majority of my friends were girls, but my gf could stand none of them.she used to text them over Facebook to get away from me. we would quarrel about these for days, but my friendship with others were never compromised except that i hid the issue from her attention. but she kept on accusing me for having too many female friends. all these incessant babbles were pushing me away from her and created deep resentment and frustation. i was also starting to feel inclined towards one of the many friends that I had. lets call her “Lea”. Lea and I used to hang out quite often. i did tell my gf about it but after few outbursts, I kept it away from her attention. i began falling for Lea, although I wasn’t sure if she felt the same. Meanwhile, my ex drove me crazy with her constant accusations and I decided that we break up.
it was on 23rd Dec morning that I finally told her that I have had enough.
then on the same evening, I confessed to Lea that I loved her. She said yes..
But after that, my ex hurled abuses to me, and my Lea over Facebook and her cell phone, attempted suicides, and blackmailed me emotionally. to stop her doing all this, i asked her to be friends and told her I am not in a relationship with Lea. More drama followed and finally it was over. But Lea was hurt, because I dragged her into a compromising situation, which was not deliberate. It is not like I wanted to talk to my ex, but i was scared hell when she attempted suicide, because of the possible consequences in my life following the event. hence I tried to be friends with her for a while. also her mother was adamant that i take my ex back. lea knew about it all, but the only thing she didn’t know was that my ex came to my city and tried finding Lea out and confront her. i told Lea this after a couple of days, after i handled the situation all by myself, lea wasn’t happy. but once my ex returned to her home, she started taking drugs and I talked to her occasionally to get her out of it. again, i didn’t a legal complication because my ex’s mothe swore if anything happened to her daughter, she would have me jailed. i didn’t tell Lea about this. i simply want to drag her in my mess. but she was suspicious, we had a fight. i switched my phone off and fled to another town. everyone started looking for me, called Lea for info. and then my ex called her and told her I was going back to her, which was a blatant lie. They fought. Lea was extremely hurt, and after I returned, explained my situation and she accepted me.
All these happened a couple of months. Lea is still haunted by those incidents. although i m trying my heart and soul, and i love her to my bones, i don’t know what to do. i have even asked her to leave me, should she feel toxic in being with me. we love each other very much, but how do i get her to forgive me and forget the nightmares? i cant bear to see her depressed for a moment, coz she has the best smile in the world…..
I love the article, and there is a lot that resonates with me. However, I find it hard to believe that you can just wake up one day and “grow up” or change who you are. I know that the way we feel is a choice, but it isn’t as easy as making a choice. I can tell myself ‘you are just as good as she is, you don’t need to be jealous of her” but I will still walk away from the situation comparing myself and feeling doubtful of what I’m trying to force down my own throat. How do you get out of that pit? Some days are better than others, but I find it hard to not live in a world where I’m consistently comparing myself to other women, even though my boyfriend would NEVER do that to me. I know he doesn’t want other women, or look at them and think “I wish Brittany was as pretty as she is”, but I can’t help but do that to myself. I am 27 years old, independent, pretty and smart. Yet I still have issues with loving myself. I hope that one day, I do “wake up” and feel differently, but until then I cant imagine that it’s even possible.
I worked out sometime ago that if I fix myself then everything else will follow for all the right reasons
Zishan, I dont know where to start with that one other than to say I recommend you find a therapist you can trust and take some sessions with them to work this out.
Blazergirl – you are just like many of my clients – high achievers – low self esteemers. You may have not noticed that my ability to change was as a result of some intense personal development work…..which does take time. So you are right, you do not suddenly decide to change. Deciding is just the start but it is worth it as gradually you do change and realise it’s continuous and rewarding
You are absolutely right. Thank you for responding. I believe I’ve already made that decision, because I am fully aware of myself and my actions and I WANT to be better. I work on myself daily, I hope that one day I will feel “healed” in that sense.
Thank you. This has been me (in the female form) for my entire dating life. I am now 35 and with the person I want to be with forever … But slowly I’ve been pushing him away with this behaviour, just like all the others. This article has really opened my eyes to the fact that whether you worry or not, it is not going to change the outcome, except for possibly pushing them towards it. A smart friend told me today “we create what we fear” and this article articulates that perfectly. Thank you.
Preach. I could relate to every sentence. I know this is at the heart of so many of my relationship issues in the past. I don’t want it to be that way in the future! Control is an illusion; people will do what they want whether you trust them or not.
Thank you for inspiring post. I almost felt someone was reading my husband’s life, the way he was so controlling and demanding.
thank you, this post really helped me understand myself now i know what steps to take to stop this behavior.