Hi Riya,

He messaged me 20 days back but this time he was so angry on me and he started saying that i should have not accepted the relationship and that he was happy after i left him he also started hitting on my insecurities while he was saying all these i just asked him to be in senses before speaking because i was just shocked to hear him saying those words to me. Then we ended the conversation after him saying few cuss words to me. Though he has said all those things my heart still wanted him but i didn’t tell him anything.

This appears to be more of attachment rather than love. The fact that he said those words after the breakup shows that clingy feeling, that neediness. that feeling of desperate wanting to be with you. A truly loving person wouldn’t say this.

If a son/daughter wants to go for higher studies to another country, a mother does not curse the him/her or say bad things or ask to stay with her all the time. The mother even though inside would like to be always with her child, but will willingly allow the son/daughter to go abroad for further studies without that neediness, that attachment. This is true love….Divine love.

Like it is truly said – If you like a flower you will pluck it, but if you love it you will nurture it, water it, and allow it to grow.

It doesn’t look like you did anything wrong. Focus on your dreams and aspirations which is to continue with the studies and establish the career that you have desired for. The man of your dreams would come to you at the right time at the right place.

Dear Riya:

You are very welcome.

“he was easy to get angry, he never used to get angry on me, he used to treat me like a princess”, and then he got angry at you. When he got angry at you, he didn’t treat you like a princess: “this time he was so angry on me and he started.. hitting on my insecurities.. Then he ended the conversation after him saying a few cuss word to me”-

– the Princess treatment was temporary to begin with, it was a time limited princess treatment. The princess treatment was conditional on things going his way. It was only a matter of time before you were to fall from Princess to Unworthy.

This is how I imagine your life with him if you were to marry him: he would  have treated you like a princess again until the next time you don’t do things his way. Over time you will feel more and more guilty, as if you are responsible for his change of treatment.

This Princess-> Unworthy treatment is a manipulative strategy aimed to break down a person, so that the person submits to the manipulator. It is not a strategy necessarily born from a cold hearted contemplation, but it’s a strategy that people somehow learn and adopt.

Imagine if you had children with him, he would manipulate his own children this way and cause them much harm. Children suffer more deeply than adults, so  imagine how much your children would have suffered to fall from the high position of Prince or Princess to Unworthy, again and again, repeatedly.

I have no doubt that you made the right decision to break up with him. But please be cautious when you encounter people in the future who will use your empathy and your strong sense of personal responsibility against you, like he has done.

“I’m feeling so guilty that I made a person suffer so much who has once treated me like a princess and appreciated my journey of being strong in life, started saying.. I deserve difficulties like those depressing phases in my  life”- his manipulation worked on you: he got you to feel guilty, and that would be your state of mind as a married woman, if you married him: guilty.

He didn’t really appreciate your journey of being strong in life, he used the information you gave him (your struggle with a disease and how it strengthened you) against you when it suited him. His goal is not to encourage your strength but to weaken you, and he has succeeded to a point, because you are suffering, which is what he wanted.

I hope you heal and recover from this bad experience, learn from it and gain your strength back!

anita

Dear Riya:

You are welcome, and I appreciate your kind words. I do hope you re-focus on your career. There may be moments when you will feel guilty again (once felt it tends to be felt again), but when it happens repeat reality to yourself, and if you want my take on reality, post again.

anita

Dear Riya:

I expected you to feel badly again, this is why I posted for you five days ago that you will feel badly again,  “when it happens repeat reality to yourself, and if you want my take on reality, post again”.

Glad you  posted again. The photos triggered your deep sadness over the breakup. After all, it was your first relationship and you did get emotionally attached to him. Once such attachment is formed, pain is automatically experienced when we lose the person to whom we grew attached.

Don’t be alarmed over feeling this sadness, or over any distressing feelings you are experiencing over his engagement. These feelings are natural and automatic. We don’t choose them. As you experience these feelings, this burden alone, be there for yourself, that is, say to yourself what you wish someone else would, such things as I will tell you now: it’s going to be  okay, Riya. You are feeling badly now, but you will feel better later. He didn’t replace you- no one can replace you. And you will find love with a better man, one who will treat you kindly and respectfully at all times.

anita

Dear Riya:

You are very welcome. What you wrote makes a lot of sense. I will be away from the computer soon, for a few hours. Whenever I am at the computer (which is often), and see that you posted, I will be glad to read from you and reply.

anita