Hi BeachGirl,

This state of affairs sounds very unhealthy indeed.  That last but one sentence “if he wanted to be with her he would” is aggressively pathetic.  He could have her if he wanted to!!  Is that supposed to be reassuring?  Boundaries have been crossed between what should have been a working relationship and what has become a personal relationship.

Counselling is not a quick fix.  I think this really is a case that if he wants your marriage to work then you both have to cut all contact with this third person.  It’s no good going through the motions.  You don’t trust him (for good reason) and you just want him for a meal ticket according to him.  You are not ready to listen to/respect each other’s point of view.

Counselling is there to help you open up  to more effective ways of communicating/relating to each other.  You probably need to explore together why he feels undervalued and why you see this woman as a threat to your marriage.

I hope you can work this out.

Peggy

Hi BeachGirl,

I agree with Peggy and Anita. Both of you should cut contact from the girl and both block her from messaging you. She also needs to respect you and your husband’s relationship enough to stay out of it. Your husband says you don’t trust him, but he has crossed some pretty major boundaries here that I don’t think any wife would be okay with unless they were extremely naive. He may be feeling ashamed of his feelings though and just not want to admit it, so he tries to pass it off as you not trusting him (that way you’re the bad one and not him). It’s good that you are going to counseling, but it’s going to take some time for you to rebuild trust for him. Meanwhile he is going to have to prove that he is worthy of that trust with his actions (cutting all contact with that woman and keeping it that way).

Do you know why he thinks you think of him as a meal ticket? That is something that will need to be cleared up during a counseling session as well. Counseling is great because the counselor can act as a mediator, which especially helps when there is mistrust between both people. It’s a good way to repair and rebuild.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by Valora.