Just Going For it

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This topic has 15 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years ago by Anonymous.

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April 5, 2019 at 8:21 am #287699

Valora
Participant

With the way you’ve described things, I agree with your friends, it sort of sounds like he might like you too (given the way his friends are acting) but is too shy to make a move OR he could be feeling a little intimidated by you and thinking he’d get shot down.

What if you just walked up and asked him if he’d like to go to a movie this weekend or maybe check out a new restaurant or something? or if you know you both enjoy or have been meaning to try some activity in particular (like one of those painting classes for example), ask if he’d like to go do that with you?

I think it’s definitely worth a shot. You’re right, it’s 2019 and perfectly acceptable for girls to ask guys out and I know plenty of guys who loooooove it when that happens (it takes the pressure off of them. lol). The worst that can happen is he will say no, and then he will be going to another school next semester anyway, so I’d say go ahead, build up some nerve, and go for it. At least that way you won’t always wonder “what if?”

April 5, 2019 at 9:23 am #287745

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Sisi:

You described a lot of what is called “mind reading”, guessing what people are thinking, trying to decipher the meaning of stares and such. This mind reading is quite useless because really, there is no way to read a person’s thoughts. A person staring at you may not be staring at you at all, he may simply be looking at your direction, their mind wandering about things not related to you.

But you did have real life interaction with this young man: “He tutored me in a subject that he’s really good in as we were left all alone, and he was being very sweet (offering me his jacket when I was cold) and asking me a lot of questions about myself”-

And he never returned to you with more questions, trying to find out more about you.

If he never met you in person, never been alone with you and asked you questions, that would be one situation. Maybe in that situation, he had trouble introducing himself to a woman he never met. But he already met you, spent time alone with you and asked you a lot of questions.

If he wanted to get to know you better, all he had to do is say Hi, how are you doing (with the subject matter he tutored you, or with information you gave him when answering his questions).

What kind of questions did he ask you?

anita

April 6, 2019 at 9:34 am #287891

Sisi
Participant

Thanks Valora!

I really really want to just say “screw it” and just go for itt. I guess the fact that we’re practically strangers makes it very hard!

Thank you for the advice though!

April 6, 2019 at 9:39 am #287893

Sisi
Participant

Hey Anita!

I agree I did a lot of the mind reading stuff, which gets me nowhere and honestly drives me crazy.

He asked me questions about my school, my past, where I was from, where I wanted to study and what I wanted to study. We were making jokes and we overall had a pretty good conversation! Even when he had to go, he was lingering on with the conversation a little more.

But yes I do see your point, if someone takes interest in you and wants to get to know you, why wouldn’t they just do it, especially if we’ve already spoken.

I use the excuse “maybe he’s too shy”, but in reality he could not be intrigued.

I guess I’m just trying to figure out if it’s even worth putting myself out there to someone I barely know, or if I should forget and move on!

Sierra

April 6, 2019 at 10:58 am #287903

Valora
Participant

I really really want to just say “screw it” and just go for itt. I guess the fact that we’re practically strangers makes it very hard!

Right, I can totally understand that, but you might be interested in him for good reason, right? With what you’ve described, you feel some sort of intuitive connection there, so that may be worth exploring even though you don’t know him well yet. You don’t have to go into it expecting a long-term relationship, but rather just a “maybe or maybe not… we’ll see” kind of expectation.

But yes I do see your point, if someone takes interest in you and wants to get to know you, why wouldn’t they just do it, especially if we’ve already spoken.

Here’s the question I’d ask….. you have spoken with him as much as he has spoken with you, correct? And you are here, still thinking about him, interested, and wondering if you should ask him out. Who is to say he is not doing the same thing? If this is the case, nothing will happen until one of you makes a move, and the notion that it HAS to be the guy or that if the guy doesn’t make a move, that must mean they aren’t interested is very outdated, in my opinion. Sometimes the guys are just as shy or afraid of being rejected as girls are, sometimes even more so.

So… you can either wait for him to make a move, which he may or may not do, and risk wondering “what if” if he never gets the nerve…. OR… you can make the move yourself so that you can know for sure the “what if” and risk possible rejection. It’s up to you to figure out which risk you’re willing to take.

I guess I’m just trying to figure out if it’s even worth putting myself out there to someone I barely know, or if I should forget and move on!

What are the negatives that you see to putting yourself out there that might make it not worth it to you or how do you think it might effect you afterwards if it turns out he isn’t interested?

April 6, 2019 at 12:50 pm #287909
Inky
Participant
Hi Sisi,

The one thing I don’t like is he and his friends STARING at you. That would get to me, to be honest. Like, what are they thinking/talking about?

Also, let’s say you do actually get together with him romantically. The boy is going to another school! Soon! Would you want that, a long distance relationship?

Third, the boy has to make some move. When a man is interested, truly interested, there is NO DOUBT!

And lastly, if you DO make the first move, be prepared to be shot down. I’m not saying you will be, but… BEEN THERE (and didn’t have to be!)

Just a Word to the Wise,

Inky
- This reply was modified 6 years ago by Inky.
April 7, 2019 at 7:41 am #287951

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Sierra:

I think it is not worth pursuing, so if I was you, I wouldn’t. Your obsessing about him, looking for clues, mind reading, that is wasted energy and using your words, it drives you crazy. So better stop it.

The reason I think it is not worth pursuing is because he wasn’t too shy to ask you questions when he tutored you, you answered pleasantly, it was a friendly exchange and he had plenty of opportunities since to talk with you again, and so, I don’t think that the assumption that he is too shy to approach you is a reasonable explanation to why he hasn’t.

If you find out that you are unable to let go, then approach him at a time when he is alone and ask him what you want to ask him, so to bring the issue to a close, so you no longer wonder.

anita

April 7, 2019 at 5:00 pm #287999
Sisi
Participant
Hello Valora!

I really liked the advice and point of view you’ve given me.

I guess the negatives I see of this situation is simply just rejection. I’m not really even looking to get into a relationship so soon anyway, but I would like a chance of at least friendship! From what I’ve heard he’s very nice.

You’ve made me realize that I won’t lose much if I try it out! He could be questioning talking to me as well, or not, but even then I’ll never know till I try!

Sierra
- This reply was modified 6 years ago by Sisi.
April 7, 2019 at 5:03 pm #288003

Sisi
Participant

Hello Inky!

I agree that staring is kinda over doing it, and personally if they are saying things about me I’d rather know than have to think about what’s being said.

Also, he’s only going to another university, we live close to one another! So even if a friendship or anything were to happen, it wouldn’t be bad!

But thank you for the advice!

sierra

April 7, 2019 at 5:06 pm #288005

Sisi
Participant

Hello Anita,

I do tend to overthink quite often so I agree with you on the mind reading things, it’d take forever and day to try and dissect someone’s actions, so I better stop!

I thank you for your honesty! I do agree that shyness isn’t always a reason for no interaction; it could simply just be disinterest/ indifference!

I guess it’s just the whole “what if” and being brave enough to approach someone who caught my eye is what is bugging me!

Thank you!

sierra

April 8, 2019 at 9:44 am #288085

Anonymous
Guest

Dear sierra:

You can practice bravery then (“being brave enough to approach someone”) by approaching him. The practice itself, regardless of his reaction, can benefit you. Do you want to plan that approach, when, what and how you will say to him what you want to say/ ask? If you do, type it here and I will give you my input.

anita

April 8, 2019 at 11:43 am #288111

Sisi
Participant

Hello Anita!

If I were to attempt at being brave, I’d maybe try to ask for some help with the subject he tutors me in, since I need someone to test me verbally with the subject. I just don’t know how to do so/ if it’d come out creepy?

Or maybe even the easy way in by following on social media, but to be honest I think face to face is the bravest but also the most effective way to approach.

Id rather do it when his friends aren’t there though, I wouldn’t want their presence to affect anything!

And I do think that approaching him just to learn how to approach and gain confidence in that field is helpful!

Thank you!

sisi

s

April 8, 2019 at 12:16 pm #288123

Anonymous
Guest

Dear sisi:

When you see him without his friends near by, walk toward him and say: hi, how are you? He says fine, how are you, something like that, and you say: I am fine but I need someone to test me verbally with the subject, will you be willing to test me sometime, when you have a few moments? He’ll probably say yes, maybe he will suggest the time right there and then, maybe tell you that he will get back with you.

Does that reads reasonable to you, to approach him this way?

anita

April 10, 2019 at 4:01 am #288435

Sisi
Participant

Hey Anita

yes! That seems perfectly reasonable!

I’m definitely building up the courage, and when I do so I’ll see how it goes. Thank you!

sierra

April 10, 2019 at 6:41 am #288445

Anonymous
Guest

Dear sierra:

You are welcome. I hope to read from you about your experience! Keep in mind, if you will, that the goal is you approaching him, not his response, not the results of the approaching.

anita
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