Anita, I just realised I didn’t answer your question…

You are thinking that your sister has been planning to take over your parents’ house and money, taking it all for herself, not sharing any with you, meaning, there will be no inheritance for you?

I know this will happen, if my sister is allowed to get away with it. She was trying to get me to sign a legal statement to the effect that the house would be hers when my mother died. I got legal advice, and that was (also told to my sister at the same time) that you couldn’t decide on any future inheritance until it was actually yours. And that any agreement, legal or otherwise would not stand up in any court of law. My parents made a will stating that everything, including possessions and the house, should be sold and the contents divided equally between us, and that will still stands. Both parents had seen their own siblings arguing over who got what in their own families, and swore that this wouldn’t happen in our family.

Sister didn’t like what the solicitor said one little bit.

After a few days of sulking, I think she decided that if she couldn’t have the house, then she would spend all of my mother’s money instead. Which is actually illegal. Although I suspect that she will try to railroad me, when we do actually come into our inheritance, to give up any rights to the house as well. She has a grandiose sense of her own entitlement.

I would rather tell her where to shove the lot of it! I have money of my own, I live quietly and don’t want for much. I’m not well off, but I manage. My sister is the exact opposite, she wants everything, and money has always meant everything to her. That’s why I suspect her motives in looking after my mother. The building work which Mum is paying for is actually making my mother quite ill, as the new kitchen is being built onto the side of the house, and the building work is noisy. My mother didn’t want a new kitchen or an extension. She was threatened by my sister that the alternative was that she would have to go into a home, something my mother has a horror of.

She thought of trying to get my mother to change the will, by adding a codicil… of course, as my mother is not ‘in sound mind’ now, so no solicitor (lawyer) would actually sanction this course of action.

However, as it is both my fathers’ and mothers’ wishes that any inheritance should be shared equally, I’m on the right side of the law in this matter.

I think once my sister has the house the way she wants it, and has spent all of our mother’s savings, then she will put my mother into a home anyway, as she will no longer be of any use to my sister. I hope that’s not going to be the case, but sadly, knowing my sister like I do, I do think this will happen. I am of the opinion that my mother would be far better off in a home, as she needs specialist care from a team of people, and would also have company of others her own age. At the moment, my mother could afford the best suite in the best care home, but this won’t be the case when my sister discards her, if that’s what is going to happen.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by JayJay.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by JayJay.

Hi Anita…

Interesting development, your former friend leaving the man. You did predict it. Are you in contact with him now… or with her, if you’d like to share. I don’t have to know…

I’d be glad to share it with you. The first I knew about my former friend discarding the man I was tentatively courting was when the man (I’ll call him A.) sent me a text message, after 2.5 years of silence, to say that he had been abandoned. Yes I thought this would happen. In fact I had a dream about how it would turn out, if you would be interested to know about that.

My former friend (B) had done this in two previous relationships and left without a word of explanation. None at all.

However, she had bumped into her previous ex bf and left A. four days later. Her previous ex phoned and asked me if I had heard from B, as she had told him that A. was mistreating her, that he was cruel, all kinds of lies. I told her ex. these were the same lies she had told A. about him. He asked if I was still in touch, whether I would get in touch, he was worried about her. I told him it was all lies. I told him I had no intention of ever getting in touch with her again. I had known A. for over 12 months when she decided she was going to have him, although I had only been courting him in a tentative sort of a way, and had not committed to a relationship as I wasn’t sure he was ready for one. He had always been a really kind and generous man.

A. wouldn’t have even known she was actually leaving him for good the day she walked out of the door. Except he had stopped her on the way out and asked where she was going. As she wouldn’t take the car or let him drive her, but insisted on taking a taxi, he knew that she wasn’t going to come back, and when he asked her exactly that, she admitted that she wasn’t going to come back. He had kept her from the day she had moved into his house 2.5 years ago until a few weeks ago when she just ….walked. Telling the same old tales of cruelty and hardship.

I told A. what her ex had said about him on the phone and he was shocked. But, I said, you believed it of her ex. Even though I told you that her ex wasn’t the person she had made him out to be.

All I can assume is that B. has gone back to her ex, as he is willing to have her back at any price, and that includes keeping her housed, clothed and fed, and obeying her every command without question.

I told A. this over several emails, as he couldn’t believe that she would do such a thing to him. I feel very sorry for A. He is so hurt and betrayed by her discard. He looked after his second wife for five years as she slowly died from Motor Neurone Disease. B. knew all about that, because I had told her when I was courting him. It didn’t make any difference when she decided to discard him. She used him for what she could get and left without a backward glance.

I don’t know how people can do that to someone else.

We have been exchanging emails as I wanted to help him through it a bit, even though he also discarded me when he took up with B. She had insisted on no contact with me, probably because I would have told him the truth and she couldn’t risk that. Although I owed A nothing, I just tried to help him understand that there are people like that in the world….

• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by JayJay.

Re… the other stuff.

I’m seeking the advice of a solicitor as soon as I can. There has been another row with my sister. This time I cannot ignore it as I would be failing in my duty as a Lasting Power of Attorney if I didn’t ask the questions. This time it was about money – again. Now that both herself and her husband have moved in with my mother, I asked if they were splitting the bills three ways now there were three of them living there. She instantly tried to justify why they are not paying much in the way of bills. It seems to me that they are taking advantage of my mother, who is a vulnerable adult. I can’t allow this to continue, so I’m seeking legal advice.

I’m thinking of rescinding my rights as power of attorney as I can’t see what use they are when she has full and complete control of my mothers finances and her health and welfare. This will mean I will have to walk away and go no contact. As my mother lives there, I will also not be able to ever see my mother again. It’s the cowards way out, I know I should fight for my mother’s rights. That’s not happening, and I cannot stand by and watch this happen. And having equal LPA rights also means that by not reporting my sister’s behaviour, I am condoning it and will eventually have to account for how I didn’t report it.

And it’s not just the financial side of things that isn’t right. my mother’s welfare is also a cause for concern for me. But she agrees with everything my sister says, and sister says she agrees so that’s that. As my mother can’t remember agreeing to anything or what the conversation was about even as little as five minutes ago, I very much doubt that she is consenting except that she has no other choice. Or thinks she doesn’t. Or is frightened of my sister’s rages if she doesn’t agree with her.

So I am being forced into taking some kind of action.

You asked if they deserved each other, my mum and my sister. A few years back I would have said yes. But all I see now is a little old lady of 89 years old been taken advantage of. Someone who cries a lot and is anxious most of the time. My mother is no longer capable of being nasty to me, she has forgotten how. How sad is that – the times we have got on have all been since she developed vasc. dementia and she is no longer capable of being nasty to me alongside my sister.

My grandmother brought both myself and my sister up most of the time. My mother always worked full time, although she didn’t have to. She didn’t want either of us, something she repeated over and over. She kept my sister close by her side though, when she wasn’t working. I distanced myself to get away from them both as I grew up. I feel that the only real love I ever got was from my grandmother. She was incredibly generous and alsways helping folk worse off than herself, although she didn’t have much in the way of material goods, she was always happy with her lot. She treated us both the same, but my sister resented the fact that she wasn’t the ‘queen bee’ at my grandmothers house.

What an amazing and sad story. So you think that B is back with the man she left so to be with A-

what is her power, B’s power- do you figure- a perfectly damsel-in-distress performance, you think?

– and who  is next, back to .. A???

Will you tell me about the dream you mentioned?

yes, a perfect damsel in distress story. she has repeated this with five different partners in her life now. And that’s not counting the ones who were wise or had a bit of intuition enough to not want to get involved. Even A. thought he was rescuing her from the big bad wolf, only to find out he has been painted as the latest big bad wolf himself.

Why does she keep repeating the same behaviour over and over and expect a different result every time? She leaves so much heartache and pain in her wake. Her ex was on the phone to me for hours, trying to understand why she had discarded him. I talked him out of suicide one night, and it took most of the night to persuade him not to do it. Now I’m doing the same with A., although he doesn’t seem suicidal, thank the Lord.

The dream I had came about 6 months after they went off together. I dreamed that B came crying to my door with a baby around the age of two or three years old in her arms. Begging for sanctuary. Telling me she had nowhere to go. Telling me that A. had turned out to be an awful man. I knew that the baby was a symbol of time, as B. is past child bearing age. So I knew from that moment on that in maybe two or three years time, she would be doing the same thing over again. Two and a half years later, and here we are! I believe that dream was sent by a higher power. It wasn’t an ordinary dream. I knew it had a message for me.

Hi Anita,

Regarding B… I think it’s not only learning in order to gain wisdom by paying attention, but one has accept responsibility by not blaming anyone else for their own failings, and admit and accept that the blame lies with themselves sometimes. I think it might be about not lying to yourself.

If I am wrong, I accept responsibility for my mistakes. I apologise. I learn from it.  I accept blame if it lies with me with humility and all due respect to the person involved for pointing out my mistake and thanking them for making me aware of it. I truly believe that people don’t grow or increase in wisdom until they can accept that they can sometimes or even often be wrong. And not make themselves a ‘victim’ and find someone to blame instead of themselves – finding a ‘scapegoat’ to excuse their mistakes and make them into someone else’s.

If my sister is wrong about something (it doesn’t matter if it’s proved) she will swear black is white and it’s always someone else’s fault. The last time she threw a tantrum, there were no apologies when it was over and things were back to normal. Her only comment was ‘I’m only human’. I remember thinking at the time she said it, ‘Yes, and so was Dr. Crippen’.

B. always blames her men for whatever is wrong with the relationship. They all start out being ‘The One’, and her expectations are high that this time it’s right. Then she finds they are, indeed, only human – with wants and needs of their own. So they deceived her (in her own mind) as they were not so perfect after all. So she leaves without a word or a warning.

Regarding my mother…yes, at one time she was pretty toxic. I was the scapegoat for most things. My sister learned at my mother’s knee about the power you could gain over people by being manipulative, intimidating and bullying. As I bore the brunt of most of their bullying, I soon learned to keep away from them as much as possible. My friends became my family and my support system. When my sister wasn’t making my friends into her flying monkeys, or persuading them that she could be a much better friend to them than I could!

All I feel for my mother now is a deep sorrow for her being the way she was. And the way she is now. I would say that the way she is now is Karma.. a cruel kind of Karma as she has now been robbed of the very thing she most coveted, and that was her control over everybody and every situation, and having all the attention focused on her.

I don’t care about the money or any eventual inheritance. But having been at the receiving end of this kind of bullying for years, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, not even my mother, especially in the vulnerable state she is now in.

How much would it bother me not to see my mother again? I would be very sad not to be able to see her and see that she was being treated well and that her last days were not spent in constant fear of abandonment. More out of a sense of duty, perhaps. I have a feeling though, that she wouldn’t miss me much at all.