“A healer does not heal you. A healer is someone who holds space for you while you awaken your inner healer, so that you may heal yourself.” ~Maryam Hasnaa
I was sobbing quite hysterically, huddled into myself sitting on the kitchen floor.
It literally felt like my life was falling apart. And so was I.
I had been striving so hard to start a meaningful business that would change the world and help others, as well as heal myself from intense ongoing physical symptoms. But it seemed the harder I tried, the less things worked.
My head bobbed slightly off my knees as I took ragged breaths.
What the hell was wrong with me? The thought that was driving my meltdown was unintelligible in my brain, due to the crashing waves of my emotional reaction.
But somehow, eventually, I found myself able to fully lift my head and stare straight on at my distorted reflection in the stainless steel door of the dishwasher.
The whole while, he sat with me.
My endlessly loving partner, Jonathan, held space.
I remember when I first turned to a friend and said, “What does holding space really mean?” I asked with the inquisitiveness of a child, like a small human who does not yet know what a word means.
Because with something like this, can any of us really find the words to accurately explain it?
She used a story in an attempt to define it, “When I was really freaking out about something, I went over to my friend’s house and just let it all out. My friend was able to just listen to me and just you know… hold the space.”
“Holding space” is a concept that is hard to define without using the exact same words to define it. But as she explained it to me, I realized I’ve been lucky to have many experiences of people holding space for me, and I for them.
When it comes down to it, what are we really doing when we are “holding space?”
The interesting thing about this term is that we aren’t actually “holding” anything.
When your daughter comes home from school and wants to tell you all about her day, and you listen intently… you are holding space.
When your boyfriend vents about how hard work was that day, and you give him your full attention… you are holding space.
When you are flipping out over one thing or another or all the things, and someone looks at you with complete acceptance… that is holding space.
When you are both recognizing what is currently is going on, and open to stepping into a new reality… that is holding space.
Holding space is about being in the space.
It’s about being fully present with the experience. Holding space is viewing someone without judgment and seeing him or her through loving kindness. Holding space is recognizing that although we all may stumble, we are all also so powerful.
Holding space is like holding the door open for someone to walk through to experience a new model of the world. Instead of feeling like the walls are caving in, holding space literally gives breathing room to express, open up, and simply be where we are.
What we are really doing when we hold space is nothing but pure acceptance—of ourselves, of others, and of the moment.
As Brene Brown says, “When we are looking for compassion, we need someone who is deeply rooted, is able to bend, and most of all, embraces us for our strengths and struggles.”
Those compassionate, rooted people in our life are invaluable to help us weather the storm and stand in the light again. But what happens when that other person just is not available to you in that moment?
Holding space doesn’t have to involve anyone else physically being there with us or listening to us directly. You can each hold space for yourself. When you are going through something big (or seemingly small), you can hold space for yourself by tapping into self-compassion.
Dr. Kristin Neff defines three components of self-compassion as self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.
Self-kindness entails being warm and understanding towards ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate. Instead of ignoring our pain or hurting ourselves with self-criticism, self-kindness involves being gentle with yourself when you encounter a painful experience.
Common humanity is that reminder that we all suffer. We are all mortal, vulnerable, and imperfect. This suffering is part of the shared human experience. Realizing that can help us feel less isolated and more connected within that space.
Mindfulness is taking a balanced approach to our challenging emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. Instead of “over-identifying” with our thoughts and feelings, mindfulness is a willingness to observe our negative thoughts and emotions with openness, clarity, and equanimity. It’s a non-judgmental way of becoming aware of our inner experience as it is, without trying to suppress or deny.
We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion at the same time. This means, the more you can hold space for yourself, the more you can hold space for others. In that space, we all experience what it means to feel unconditional love.
When you feel unconditionally loved, you are able to fully own your own experience and truly be who you are. There is a calmness and clarity and an ability to also love the world as it is.
This is where true power comes from. When we are able to be in unconditional love, all of our thoughts, words, and actions flow from it. We are bringing more of that love into the world.
Which means holding space isn’t just beneficial for one. It benefits all.
By loving ourselves, we also hold space for the world.
**This post was originally published in March, 2018.
About Danielle LaRock
Danielle LaRock’s mission is creating a space for changemakers to be themselves and take aligned action in their business, movement, or cause. As a seasoned facilitator and coach, she believes making a difference starts with who you are. She is also the founder of Tiny Haven, a tiny house community. Meet Danielle at www.daniellelarock.com and join her free changemaker community, Project Changemaker.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Thank you, Danielle! I really love your post! Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Did you do Landmark Education?
Thank you! It was great to get to share this.
I never heard of “holding space,” before this moment, but I have known it very well by other names. Now I know it by this name also. Thanks for a different name for this particular part of that which is!
Wonderful conversation to share with us. May I add a couple of thoughts? Someone who is very, very good at holding space has found enough self-awareness to have generously available a healing spaciousness in their own interior. That’s where the space is, that is being “held” open and receptive.
Also, when holding space for yourself, it can be helpful to remember to be very non-mind-reactive to what you’re feeling. That is, to not judge the feelings or yourself for having them; to not project the source of the feelings anywhere beyond your own skin; to not trip out on finding a source of the feelings in your past, but stay very present since you’re feeling them right now; and, hardest of all, to not be invested in a specific, transactional outcome to having the feelings.
Rather, be as available to the feelings as is possible without subjecting them to thought-diminishment. Their alchemy can only cook in the retort of your body and being. Know that the way in, and with, is the way through and beyond.
Thank you so much for bringing up the topic of holding space.
I first got introduced to the idea when I was doing training at a research university about 15 years ago. That, and helping hold people upright.
I think empathy and compassion are just getting enough of a spotlight these days that we’re discovering where our language is conflicted or falls short.
In my experience, holding space is pretty straightforward, if you’re willing to accept a dry definition.
It’s offering cognitive empathy without getting seduced by emotional empathy or problem solving. In other words, it’s being willing to be with a person, be open to their emotions and needs, and help them give voice to their emotions and needs without taking on their emotions or trying to get actively involved in solving their problems.
I come to you in tears because I’ve just been fired. My job was my identity. I’m bereft.
I cry but you don’t. I wail but you don’t. You are open to my emotions, but you know they are not yours. This pain is not your pain.
Instead, you may just sit with me in silence, just to be available.
Later, you may sit with me and witness. “You seem in despair,” you say. “is it that you don’t want to miss the fellowship of your friends, or that you yearn to know you fit in the world. Are you looking to feel secure that you have value to offer, that what you contribute is worthwhile?” And then listen to help me come to clarity.
Nicely Written
Nicely written.
I read a great article on holding space a few years ago, and it was a huge help for me in dealing with people who were hurt or angry; I’m still learning from it. Thank you so much for sharing this and giving more info.
…active listening is the term we use in psychology…
Beautiful
Wow. Great article Danielle thank you. You obviously have profound insight. I really enjoyed towards the end where it starts with Mindfulness. And as you mentioned where ‘ True Power comes from..’. And how love flows into the world. It’s so critical we stay connected first and foremost to our true selves. Eternally grateful for the fantastic reminders. Please keep up the good work. The world needs you!!😁
Thank you Danielle for your very human experience…yes “sometimes
people just need to talk and to be heard. they need the validation of my
time, my silence, my unspoken compassion. They don’t need my advice,
sympathy or counseling. They need to hear the sound of their own voices
speaking their own Truths, articulating their own feelings as those may
be at a particular moment. Then, when finished they simply need a nod of
the head, a pat on the shoulder or a hug. I’m learning that sometimes
silence really is golden and that sometimes “Fuck Eh?” is as spiritual a
thing as needed to be said”. From my favorite ‘First Nations’
Indigenous Author.
A dear friend shared this with me and I really enjoyed reading it. What a beautiful way to share love and kindness with someone.
"This is where true power comes from. When we are able to be in unconditional love, all of our thoughts, words, and actions flow from it. We are bringing more of that love into the world.
Which means holding space isn’t just beneficial for one. It benefits all.
By loving ourselves, we also hold space for the world."
Lesson of 2025. Thank you.