- This topic has 174 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by
anita.
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February 3, 2020 at 11:26 am #336436
NicholeParticipantHi Anita, so sorry to hear about your fall. That sounds painful and frustrating. I hope you are ok.
honestly Anita,
im not ok right now. Been trying to fight my mind every darn day. I’ve done so much for myself just to wind up so depressed. In bodily and emotional pain. It is so strong. I feel so alone. I feel so scared. I’m clueless as what to do next. I’m behind on everything. My old negative beliefs and patterns seem uncontrollable. And more than anything I feel like I can’t trust a soul. The worlds seems cruel and unsafe. I think I may be suicidal at times. I’m tired of acting like I’m ok. I’m not ok.
February 3, 2020 at 11:35 am #336440
AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
Still hurting some from my fall, but way less than before.
I am so sorry to read you are not okay. But better you state it than pretend that you are okay. I sure hoped you will be doing better in Florida. I hoped the church you visited was going to help you some, with social support. Sometimes church members rent room in their houses to newcomers. There are also community resources, I imagine, free counseling maybe?
anita
February 3, 2020 at 11:37 am #336442
AmishaParticipantHi Nichole,
I sympathize with your story and would like to be there for you by being a listening ear and relying to you any positivity that I can in the moment. If you are willing to talk pls reach out to me through email Amisha0127@gmail.com.
February 3, 2020 at 12:04 pm #336454AnonymousInactiveDear Nichole,
I’m very sorry to hear about your losses.
The hard truth that we all need to accept is that, unfortunately, one day we will eventually lose the people in our life who are older than us. It’s the way of life and we cannot do anything against it. I think there will always be an emptiness inside us left by those who have left, but that means that we loved them. And, in my opinion, the best thing we can do about it is to be proud of the fact that they were part of our lives and to try to give forward what they had given us.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the purpose of life, and honestly I believe that it’s not healthy to think about it so much because you can spend your whole life dwelling on it without reaching a conclusion, as everybody’s life experience is different and therefore everybody will give you a different answer.
I hope I was able to help. If you feel like chatting with someone, you can text me anytime.
February 25, 2020 at 8:02 pm #340068NicholeParticipantHi Anita,
Im attending therapy my therapist suggested an intensive program. My head tells me this is ridiculous but I do believe I’ve suffered much trauma on my life and this could help. I have so much to process. Trying to function but this is so difficult. But I will not give up.
I continue beating myself up for the way I self sabotaged myself. I’ve let myself down in a lot of ways due to fear. I’m wondering how do I begin forgiving myself. I try to forgive and when I don’t I kind of give up.February 26, 2020 at 9:00 am #340130AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
“I’ve let myself down in a lot of ways due to fear”- your fear is so intense because your parents (and brothers) let you down in real life. Blame your parents for letting you down, instead of blaming yourself.
See the innocent girl that you were, having done no wrong, look into her eyes, see how hurt she is because the people she trusted betrayed her in one way or another, and feel compassion for this little girl. See her and invite her into your arms with love. Let her know that she can trust you, that you will not betray her like the others did.
No matter how you feel, do right by this girl in you, don’t give up on this little girl.
anita
March 22, 2020 at 4:28 pm #344672AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
I am thinking about you, wondering how you are managing during this pandemic. I hope you have a safe place to live and that you keep yourself as safe as possible.
anita
March 31, 2020 at 8:04 am #346386AnonymousGuestStill thinking about you, hoping you are okay!
anita
March 31, 2020 at 10:15 am #346396NicholeParticipantI’m not ok Anita I feel dead inside. I’m so full of fear. So full of shame and don’t know what to do in between places. I feel lost not sure how I got here.
March 31, 2020 at 1:07 pm #346430AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
I am so sorry to read this… Is it the same fear and shame from before, that you are feeling now?
anita
April 1, 2020 at 4:43 pm #346624NicholeParticipantIt’s worse but I think the same or just more because I’ve made a lot of impulsive decisions that have gotten me more hurt. I know that I see abuse everywhere due to being abused but I also attract toxic people I know this is not perceived cruelty. But even though I know it’s not personal the little girl me is so hurt and feels like she is dying. My body hurts from anxiety.
and this virus is only making it worse. This covid is getting scary. I hope you are doing well during this time. I know it is a hard time all over the world.
April 1, 2020 at 5:40 pm #346642AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
It is scary Nichole, this virus. Regarding you attracting cruel people into your life, that is possible. Cruel people are attracted to people they can use, abuse, and exploit. In regard to young women, living without emotional/ social support, better not appear or present yourself to men as weak, needy, and desperate because some will try to take advantage of you sexually (although not in these times of social distancing, I would hope). This is one example of cruelty. There are others, of course.
The shame you suffer from, that too bad, because it is a kind of a suffering that is not necessary. Covid-19 is necessary suffering because it’s out of the box, so to speak, and no one, absolutely nobody- no matter how smart, educated, rich, powerful- can put this virus back in the box. So that’s a suffering available to all of us.
But shame, it is not necessary. I wish you removed that one from your overall suffering.
anita
April 2, 2020 at 10:28 am #346734NicholeParticipantYes COViD is out of the box in a bad way. I pray this pandemic stops.
I am weak, vulnerable, needy and desperate. I’m wondering if I should just reach out to my aunt. I know she hurt me but I feel she is safer than this world right now.
I need help. My fear response and stress response is way too high. It’s like I’m experiencing trauma all day long!
April 2, 2020 at 10:50 am #346736AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
If you reach out to your aunt, lower your expectations: don’t expect her to understand you, or validate you.. none of that. Expect her to help you somehow, in some ways, that’s all.
anita
April 2, 2020 at 10:52 am #346740NicholeParticipantWhat about my ex? And his family? They are here in Florida. Anita I feel I need help or I’m going to go crazy. I can’t even function to work these days. I need energy from somewhere I am so alone and my old programming is running rampid
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