Dear Nichole:

“I was also enjoying the attention. It was exciting to be back in contact. It was a distraction from some of my own issues in my own life. It was my loneliness“- contact with friendly people is exciting, especially when one is lonely. It’s like this for all social mammals. Think of dogs, how excited they get when in contact with people and with other dogs (who they don’t consider to be a threat), wagging their tails and all.

“Anyhow, we have not spoke other than in short. I have set a boundary, silently, and he seems to be respecting it“- it’s very important that you set boundaries and that people respect your boundaries!

“Boundaries are hard to stick to, I find. I don’t know if throughout the years my mind has created a poor memory, but I set boundaries and goals and can easily move on to the next or just forget, lose interest in this important goal/boundary I set. I find it hard to stay consistent. And it’s disappointing“- focus on how well you are doing; on where you succeed, not on where you fail. We all fail every day: it’s the human condition. Best you can do, when you fail, is to make a mental note of how you can do better the next time you encounter a similar situation. Make a note of it (in your mind, or you can write it down), like a student would, for the purpose of learning, without self-condemnation. Students learn better when they are treated kindly. Treat yourself. Always.

“Last month  my uncle and I spoke. During the conversation he let me know that he would like to gift me a down payment on a condo. I was stunned. I have never received such a monetary gift… I have a lot of work to do financially before I can afford this. This is a goal I must stick to.“- I can’t think of anyone more deserving of such a gift, how exciting! I hope the gift materializes. You’ve been wanting to buy a condo for years!

anita

Dear Nichole:

* I just re-read my last post to you, from May 8: I wrote: “Treat yourself. Always.”, I meant: Treat yourself kindly. Always.”

And now, to your today’s post: “Still holding up on the boundaries“- good thing, that’s being kind to yourself.

“My brother has been very sweet with letting me know how much he missed me in their life. He says I am so rare and such a good person and he wants to always be in my life. Very endearing. But… my brother can have manipulative ways. He has even admitted it and says he is working on being more empathetic and putting himself in others shoes. I can tell he is working on it… I am just confused. Like did I do the right thing allowing them back in my life? I know ultimately I control how much. I hear and a lot of people in the healing community talk about not going back to those who showed who they were etc. Even Biblical quotes but then also hear the contradiction of love your family. I just have that jiggling in my head“-

– I went back to your 2018 thread where you shared about your older brother (I’ll refer to him here as OB) to get a better sense of him in relation to you. Today, you wrote about OB: “(He) says he is working on being more empathetic and putting himself in others shoes“. On Dec 7, 2018, you wrote about yourself: “The problem I have is I have too much empathy. I put myself in her shoes“. This is an important distinction: OB has to little empathy, you have too much of it. (It is not surprising to me because siblings in dysfunctional families often do take opposite roles).

The next sentence you wrote back then, in the same post was: “I am currently suffering from self hate, self shame“. Connecting this to your current dilemma, I’d say that if your current contact with OB causes you any amount of self-hate, or self-shame then end the contact.

Still, in the same post, you shared in regard to OB: “ I was sexually abused by my brother. I would say from what I remember ages 5-13. And I have kept it inside all these years. I’m just now learning to validate myself for what I went through. It was never a forceful thing it was a manipulation… I have often considered my brother and I to be close after the abuse and as an adult. He can be kind and we have both given each other great life advice. But at this point in my life I am very distant with him as I am feeling the pain of what he did to me. I am angry with myself for keeping a good relationship with him and honestly trying to ‘please’ him and his fiancé for the last 9 years… I am so fed up with abuse… when I stand up for myself with these people, my mind plays games with me and I start finding ways to empathize for what they did to me. And I almost wish they were back in my life. It’s like I can’t trust my mind to establish what is ok and what is not“- what this means to me is that OB was supposed to fully acknowledge what he did to you, and express sincere regret before (and if) you were to have any relationship with him after the abuse. Also, I can see here his history of manipulation. As well as your history of feeling empathy for him and trying to please him.

Six days later, on Dec 13, 2018, you shared: “I am still having trouble finding out where the love was or is… I have been pleasing people in hopes that they would love me. It such a hard reality to think I have been self hating and shaming for years. Its hard to realize I have been mainly abused and manipulated my whole life…  It is so hard to start having boundaries and learning myself and how to start even being a ‘self’. My life up until now has always been lived for others. I have always helped my family… I am just afraid in life, I don’t want to continue on with same old patterns. I want to learn to love myself and make a life… there are days like today where I wake up with no confidence and my codependency habits are flaring“- again, my points are: (1) there shouldn’t be a relationship between you and OB if he didn’t yet fully acknowledge his years-long abuse of you, and expressed sincere regret for what he has done to you, (2) if contact with him (before or after him fully acknowledging the abuse, etc.) causes you shame and self-hate, there should be no contact. I will add that you’ve been doing very well since you left Chicago and moved back to Florida on your own. Be careful with the “same old pattern.. codependency habits” you mentioned in the quote above.

“It’s like I can’t trust my mind to establish what is ok and what is not” (12/7/2018) “I am just confused. Like did I do the right thing allowing them back in my life?.. Biblical quotes” (5/16/2024)-

Romans 12: “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect… Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. <sup class=”versenum”> </sup>Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor… Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’<sup class=”versenum”> </sup>To the contrary, ‘if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.’<sup class=”versenum”> </sup>Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”-

– What the above.. Personal and World Peace Recipe means to me, when it comes to your personal search, as a Christian, for clarity about “what is ok and what is not… (what is) the right thing“, is that the right thing to do is (as the quote above says) “Outdo one another in showing honor… Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all“-

– Gracefully, give OB the opportunity to be honorable and fully acknowledge and repent for his years-long abuse of his sister by (1) bringing this up to him (in writing/ email, if it’s too difficult to do on the phone, or in-person), and (2) by not people-pleasing him before he fully acknowledged and repented. When you give him your empathetic time and kindness while he is not yet honorable (let’s say he made comments indirectly suggesting regret, but did not fully acknowledge and repented), he is less likely to be motivated to do what is honorable, and fully acknowledge and repent.

Gracefully confronting him with the truth, and not people-pleasing him, does not mean repaying evil for evil. It means to not be conformed to this world (this world of neglected honor), but be transformed by the renewal of your mind (the renewal of love and honor for yourself, and for OB- by giving him the opportunity to love and honor you and others).

Notice, it says Outdo one another in showing honor, outdo one another not in showing indiscriminate approval and affection, but in showing honor: civility, esteem, honesty, integrity, modesty, respect, and responsibility to all.

anita