Grenada, I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother and also not having family support. This is extremely hard. Thank you for reminding me I am not alone. Wishing well in your recovery. I know how hard it is losing a parent. It will get better with time but honestly I am still getting over my moms a year later. It is a difficult dark road but we are not alone and I have found so groups to help and made a couple new friends.

Sending you love

Hi Anita!

I am back. Trying to heal and move on. It has been rough since we last spoke. Although I did get situated in my new place, I have had to have dealings with family when we lost another family member. I suffered some more gas lighting and projection. I have certainly abandoned myself at times. That is hard to come to terms with. I’m holding on strong but honestly between my PTSD and anxiety sometimes it is minute by minute.

All I truly want is to love and be loved by good people. Not perfect just a simple life. But somewhere in my subconscious I belive I am not letting go of family. So I keep getting in the tangle and each time worse.

Dear Anita, you are right. And thank you.

I try to be strong and keep on but lately it has definitely tooken it’s toll. Sometimes I feel I need a month off of life. Maybe a vacation. But at this point with the apartment, I’ve used up my savings on furnishing and all. And now I wonder if all along I should have took your advice to leave and start somewhere new. I know you can never know until you experience but I do wish I would have made a different decision. Or maybe it’s just the anxiety I am having today. I definitely need a list to make my life easier. It has been way too hard, and I know I don’t deserve this much distress. I’m surprised my body has taken it. It seems to be non stop. At this point I would love to make a list but am under water with my current to do. With my moms 1 year anniversary and birthday this week, I’ve certainly abandoned some things but couldn’t work past my anxiety and fatigue.

Thanks Anita as always your advice is on point.

i am excited to live both an easier and more interesting life.

And I do not want to complain but am struggling so much. I have ptsd, so that means nightmares, anxiety attacks often and flashbacks sometimes all day long. I also have very codependent behavior that is not so easy to take at times. It is an addiction from what I am learning. On that note I want to apologize for the overwhelming plea to come live with you I did a couple months ago. Although at the time I was serious, it was my inner little me crying for help from anyone. But so not fair to do to you. I appreciate your advice and support throughout my journey. There is so many things I have learned from you and used to get me where I am.

survival mode is exactly what I am in. My somatic therapist has helped me to see this and I look back and see some of the extreme behavior and decisions I made were complete survival. I do forgive myself because this is a learned behavior from childhood. I had no choice but to survive in that household. But since I left my aunts place I have been only surviving. I am so tired of it. I spent over 8 thousand in 5 months surviving. It is sad to me. I had a dream and goals and was starting to live rather than survive but my family was not having it. But more than anything I went into self sabotage mode and am having trouble forgiving this. I worked so hard to get to where I was to be thrown off track like that is painful. I have been no contact with my entire family for 2 weeks. It is not easy but when I realize how much I’ve lost in these months I am almost furious with them and how they make me the bad guy when all I did was try to love and forgive them. I know I need to feel these feelings out but it’s hard when sometimes I’m in an all day panic attack.

My latest thought (not sure if this is survival) is going back to Florida. Ending my lease and taking what I can. Selling the rest. I have my job and know a couple of maybe nice people in the area.

I honestly dont know what I was thinking getting this apartment. I know it had to do with family but now that winter is arriving this is so not where I want to be. I don’t think my car can handle it, I also don’t think I can. Last winter was depressing and that is when I was seeing family. To be alone all winter here sounds dreadful.

But the con is the hassle of all that I would have to do. Saving for a month by working extra hours and second job. Also the stress of the move itself. I don’t know if I can handle anymore stress. My bathroom vent was leaking this morning when I woke up and I literally felt the stress feeling come up my body as if to tell me if one more thing becomes stressful!!