When I think about him, I think that we have similar problems (just that I am a lot worse). He told me that he never wants to hurt anybody. On the phone he told me again that he “doesn’t want to continue to hurt me”. He also said how he likes to help people. He helped his siblings when he was a child, he told me he helped people from his country, who are new in Germany. He also helped a friend and gave her money, then had financial problems of his own.

The last thing we wanted to do is to hurt someone. Ironically, we ended up hurting each other. This is my theory. I don’t know if it makes sense.

Somehow when I’m with others, I neglect my own wants and feelings and needs. It is maybe this, what my therapist wanted to tell me. I have become numb to my own feelings when I’m with others.

I’m wondering if I need more than just a therapist???

Dear anita,

when it comes to K. I feel confused. I feel like I hurt him, because I let him use me. But I said it’s o.K. when he asked if I wanted this. He said he can wait. I still said yes. Out of fear of disappointing him, I think. I also had the feeling that I had nothing else to offer to him. That we got along better in bed, contrary to when talking. When I talked to him I most of the time had the feeling like I’m not interesting enough, don’t talk enough, am not hardworking enough and don’t have anything interesting to say. He said: say something (I think it is hard to start a conversation with just this request). So I said you can ask me something. He replied: “No”. So I started to talk to him about my current art project, but it seemed to me like he found it ridiculous or couldn’t understand that I spend my time doing this.

Did he know I didn’t want this? Did he know I wanted more? He didn’t seem like a bad person to me.  I realized that I was not part of his life. That I was only getting scraps of his time. Stupidly I thought it could change, if I was just patient enough.

It is definitely for the best that this is over. It made me feel bad about myself. I also started to spend less time in the community rooms of our dormitory, out of fear of meeting his sister or others. Most of my distress in the past half year was caused by this. I posted about it on this thread.

I don’t remember anything particular in my childhood where I felt I was hurting a family member…. Some things come to my mind though…

1: As a child I cried a lot. My father said (I think to my mother, thinking I was not listening) that I was blackmailing him by crying. He also was angry or irritated, his voice sounded emotional. Since then I started crying only in my room and without making noises and without anyone seeing me.

2: My sister told me this Christmas that she somehow felt responsible or guilty for our home being messy. So she also felt guilty and responsible for things that should have been the adults job. I too remember my mother complaining that she was left alone with the housework. They came from a farmer’s family. There it was usual for the children to help out. We were made to feel guilty about not helping enough. Don’t get me wrong, I think giving children chores is good. Just the guilt tripping is unnecessary. And I also think that it is normal for children to not feel enthusiastic about it. Doesn’t mean they are bad children!

3: I often felt like a bother too my parents. For example, when I was in my last year of high school, I was talking to my father about future plans. I wanted to go abroad and work as an Au Pair. My father exclaimed “Au Pair, Au Pair, why don’t you go study?” It seemed like I was getting on his nerves is what I mean.

4: I had a Gym Ball and my sister was sitting on it. I pulled it away from under my sister. My father hit me on my head and also said something devaluing to me. I too, hit my sister often. I made a point to not let her read my books etc. Now I think that I was very jealous of her. My father always was on her side. On the other hand she wanted to do all the things that I did, which bothered me. She also was better in school.

I was probably also mean to my brother. But he also didn’t play such a big role for me, as he was 5 years younger. I remember him smashing the glass door at home out of anger. I don’t know what it was about, I don’t think it was because of me. That reminds me, once I broke new glasses out of anger and my mother said “It is just because of your anger!” or something like that. Anger seemed to be something bad for her, but she didn’t make me understand it better.

Hm, I don’t remember so much. My family was strange. My parents made me feel bad, I think. Like I was not a good daughter? Once a doctor said to my mother “You have such a nice daughter” and my mother said something like: “You don’t know what she is really like”. They also often jokingly said “Those bad children”.

I can’t remember anything big about feeling like hurting my parents. But I was feeling like I was difficult and a problem, I think. It feels a little blurry thinking back. It’s already long ago. I know I was unhappy. Even as a child of not older than 13 years I had thoughts of jumping out of the window and suicide. I was hoping to finally grow up and leave my home…

Dear anita,

my parents were overwhelmed I think. They didn’t know how to be parents. My father was especially cruel to me. He seemed to dislike me. And sometimes I think that he saw himself in me? People always said that I looked like him (I was unhappy about that). Once he said to my friend and I (I was slightly overweight at that time) “Here come the two fatties.”. He has weight problems himself.

My father has problems with himself and he is not facing them at all. He wants to appear strong, but I can sense the insecurities easily. He looks for other people’s faults instead of facing his own. he can’t take criticism. He is extremely stiff in his opinions. As a child., I really hated him actually (!). Now we get along better, but he seems to get more and more inflexible as he gets older.

My mother on the other hand seemed overwhelmed and is extremely sensitive. She also went to therapy and is doing better now.

I feel ashamed of my actions. All that I wrote in this thread and previous threads is so shameful. Sometimes I would like to delete them. I’m realizing more and more what my problems are. I see clearer about who I am and I don’t like it. It hurts. But maybe it is better to face the problem. I don’t want to be like my father…

I can’t believe that something similar like with that first man happened again… Why do I do these things?? Of course it is not who I want to be. But somehow, when interacting with others, I too readily submit to their wishes.

The good thing is, it is finally over, the thing with K. The really bad things happened last year, this year it only ended. And from now on I will stay single. I would like to experience love, but it seems impossible for me. Better to focus on building up good friendships. I think I want a more simple life for myself. Nothing special, but calm and filled with doing things that keep my peace of mind. Focusing on the little things.

I am so grateful for having my best friend. She is always on my side and truly believes in me. Even though I am quite open about my problems with her! Yesterday we went for a walk together, she came to visit me, just because I wasn’t feeling well. Today we went to Yoga class together. We will do more sports now, because she needs to lose weight for health reasons. And for me it will also be good, maybe it can help me to become more self assured and relaxed.

I am also thankful for your help, anita! You have helped me through tough times with your words. Even though I am not improving much, you don’t give up on me. I hope you are doing good as well. Please take care of yourself!

Dear anita,

I think you are right. What happens in our childhood, shapes who you become. I was given the feeling that I am disgusting.

But that is the past. I understand that my problems come from an unhappy childhood. But the thing is, in the present I am behaving in disgusting ways. It was never my intention, I only wanted to do the right things. I just wanted to be kind and do what is right.

I think I need to listen more to my gut feelings and ask myself more what I truly want. I was not feeling good about seeing K. last year. Even when I first met him, I didn’t want to go on a walk with him just after I had met him. It was too quick for me. But somehow I couldn’t say no! Out of politeness I think. Somehow I’m always disregarding my own feelings when I’m with others.I try to notice my own feelings more now. When a friend asked me yesterday if we want to meet today and go to a gallery, I declined. Because I was not feeling well. She accepted it without questioning me and all was o.K. This is just a little thing, maybe even meaningless, but maybe it’s a start.

Maybe when my parents told me that crying was blackmailing and other things, I learned that I cannot trust in myself. Now I don’t trust my feelings and look for what others want.

At the moment I feel so disgusted with myself. I try to stay positive… but my problems are very severe. I think if I don’t attempt to be in a relationship, things can’t go too wrong. But I don’t know how to fix myself and I feel pretty hopeless and am filled with self-hate these days. I’m also very unproductive at the moment. Thankfully, next week my classes start again.

Dear anita,

I don’t want to date any men, I already said it. And usually I don’t meet men. That I met K. was just by accident, you don’t have to worry. Usually I don’t start a conversation with men. When men approach me on the street, I usually ignore them or don’t talk to them.

Only because I met him at home and I knew his sister, I thought that everything was going to be o.K. I didn’t realize, that I am not ready for a relationship, but now I do. I don’t want to hurt anyone or drag a man into my problems. Those are strong reasons for me to really not date anyone.

Right now I can only feel that that this inner critic is right. Maybe when I was an innocent child it wasn’t right, but now it is. A person that is not disgusting wouldn’t do such a thing. It would be the best, if I just didn’t exist!

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Lily.

Dear anita,

to say yes to sex when it wasn’t love. Or I don’t know. I don’t judge others when they have casual sex. But that is not what I want for myself.

He said on the phone “but I always asked if you’re o.K.”. And he said: “The last thing I wanted was to hurt you”. Now he is hurt because he has hurt me. Now he has to live with this experience. I should have said no, when I wasn’t comfortable with this. But somehow I really couldn’t!

Dear anita,

thank you!