Dear Lily:

You have a very persistent, active inner critic that is making your life very difficult. Let’s look at its contribution to your life based only on your recent two posts. I will quote from those and suggest what your inner critic is saying or said, italicized (notice the italicized is not what I am saying to you, but what your inner critic is saying to you, and none of it is true!):

“To know that it is okay that I’m only making slow progress”- you are making slow process, hurry up!

“Sadly, in real life, I don’t always tell people how I feel in such an honest way”- you are dishonest!

“I’m afraid that, if they get to see my more broken side, they will be disgusted with me and judge me”- you are broken and disgusting!

“I don’t know if it was stupid of me to reply like that”- you are stupid!

“Or was I just being too cold?”- you were too cold to him, you hurt him!

“this meeting.. it took longer. Hopefully he didn’t wait for me… Was he angry that I went to that meeting?”- you shouldn’t have gone to that meeting and make him wait, poor him, you hurt him by making him wait!

“Maybe he is disappointed”- you offered to help him but didn’t! You failed him, hurt him!

“I’m too cold… didn’t establish my boundaries and made it into an unhealthy relationship.. I wasn’t honest enough… I promised help, but now I’m not helping.. I’m not there for him enough… too mentally ill and will drag him down… I am very toxic. I’m a horrible person and will only hurt him”- you are too cold! You don’t establish boundaries! You are not honest enough! You broke your promise to help him! You are not there for him enough! You are too mentally ill and will drag him down! You are very toxic! You are a horrible person and will only hurt him!

“Under no  circumstances did I want to force him or manipulate him to stay with me”- you are trying to force him to stay with him, you are manipulative!

The core belief under all these messages from your inner critic is this: “You are a horrible person and will only hurt him”. With this belief and the over- activity of your inner critic, anything you say and do is something for your inner critic to comment on. You just can’t win: if you try to help him, you do it wrong, if you don’t try to help him, you are not there for him, and so on and on and on.

The way to proceed for you, at this point, based on my experience with my overactive inner critic, is to notice when you hear a comment by it, then talk  sense to yourself. Do it again and again.

You wrote”I also shouldn’t contact him any more, if he doesn’t reply first”- yes, I agree.

And you wrote, “He also said ‘I love you’ very quickly and wanted me to say it. But maybe this was because of sex”- yes, I think it was because of sex.

One more thing: you really want to help him, but notice, you are the one who needs help, attend to yourself, help yourself in this way: every time your inner critic tells you something hateful, as it often does, talk sense to yourself, replace the hateful message with a realistic thought, best you can.

You can make a list of the hateful messages you hear in any particular hour or few hours  and your replacement thoughts and I will give you my input on your list.

anita

Dear Lily:

You are welcome.

It would be way easier for you if any person told you clearly what they want, so you don’t have to guess. True to everyone, our lives would be easier if others are clear, and tell us what they want. Or if they don’t know, that they tell us they don’t know and why they don’t know. It would be nice if people responded within a reasonable time and answer clearly and honestly.

You wrote, “If you don’t reply back to me, is it just because you’re busy? Do you want me to still write you..”- you can ask him that, and he may answer and maybe he will not answer. Let’s say he doesn’t answer. So, what do you do, Lily, if he doesn’t answer: do you wait in limbo forevermore?

What I would do is to not write him again, following his non-response. Then if he writes to me or contacts me otherwise in the future, I will ask him: why didn’t you respond to me on (that particular date)? And wait for an answer, listen to it. He better have a good reason to not having answered before, if he wants to communicate with me now. It is not okay for a person to want to communicate with me and see me whenever he wants and ignore me when he wants to.

You wrote that you are feeling badly about “that I asked him if I could help him twice more, when he already said that I couldn’t help him… I offered to spend the night… to make him happy, even though I didn’t really want it”- notice your strong, impulsive need to be of help to another and your willingness to do just about anything, including spending the night with a man, just so to help him, just so to be of service. Whenever you notice this need, pause, stop before you offer that help. And if you already did, take it back, tell the person: I am sorry I offered (this or that), I was impulsive. I take it back. Next time try to not speak before that pause.

You listed the following negative thoughts:

1. “I’m embarrassing and stupid”. Your replacement thought: “You are not stupid, you speak two foreign languages and have a bachelor degree”. My suggestion to add to your replacement thought: I am intelligent academically but not so in human relationships. I  have a lot to learn and I am willing to learn it.

2. “I’m not capable of having a good relationship”. Your replacement thought: “Maybe after you learn to like yourself more, you will be capable. You have.. a good relationship with your best friend..” My suggestion to add to it: I am not capable currently to have a good relationship with a man, but I can learn the skills required to interact effectively with a man, and then I will be capable.

3. “I am difficult”. I like your replacement thought: “You are trying to overcome your problems. Don’t give up. You went through a lot, so be more patient with yourself”.

4. “I am weird”. Replacement thought: “You are not weird.. And everyone makes mistakes”. I will add: once I learn skills (interpersonal skills, which by the way, you should learn in therapy), I will behave in ways that are acceptable to me.

5. “Everything I do is wrong”. I would not have “You focus too much on your mistakes” because right there is more self criticism.

6. “I probably hurt him”. Your replacement thought: “You didn’t have any bad intentions and you’re learning” – excellent!

7&8: “I imagine how I get hurt or killed… I don’t want to exist” . These are expressions of your pain. Therefore I will think to myself when feeling that much emotional pain: I am feeling pain, I am hurting. I will be kind to myself now, what can I do to make myself feel better while not hurting myself? “Maybe I could go out for a walk or to a sport class” is excellent thinking on your part.

Good job, Lily, doing this exercise, excellent! Keep at it.

anita

Dear Lily:

Your core belief that you hurt people is so strong that even after he told you that he is not hurt, and after you figured he seems to be okay, you still thought that he is hurt by you, but wouldn’t tell you (“or maybe he doesn’t want to tell me more”).

I do hope you focus on yourself, your studies, health, friends, just like you wrote. I don’t think you are ready for a romantic relationship, you are simply too scared to hurt the man simply by saying the wrong word, or not saying the right word… can’t have a relationship with the almost constant fear of hurting the other person. Maybe later, when you are less afraid, when you no longer believe so strongly that you are “a toxic person”.

Post again anytime.

anita

Dear Lily:

Another thing, I just realized I was impatient with you in my post before last, the one I ended with an exclamation mark ! I  I apologize.

Be back in fifteen.

anita

Dear Lily:

Thank you for your good wishes for me, I appreciate it. I realized lately, as a result of communicating with you, that for the purpose of learning, we have to silence that inner critic voice. That self criticism prevents us from learning. All the years that I severely and continuously criticized myself led to zero learning.

So being gentle with myself really is necessary for the purpose of learning. As long as we listen to and obey the self critical voice, we do just that.. obey. To change, to live more functionally, we have to create and listen to a sensible, logical and kind voice.

When you hear that self critical voice, it is not only hearing a voice, or a thought, there is a feeling that accompanies that voice, a feeling of believing the voice is correct, for example, that you really hurt that man by not cancelling a plan you had for the day, it feels so real, so convincing.

The work that needs to be done to promote healing is to relax when that happens, check with the other person if possible (asking the guy, let’s say: when I didn’t cancel the plan I had so to see you, how did you feel/ what did you think about it?), and otherwise, say to yourself: I automatically feel guilty, this is one of these times. Relax. Let’s see if there is any logic to my thoughts here.

And remember, help yourself, be the receiver of all the help you offer others.

anita