Dear anita,

to some extent I agree with you, that as a pastor’s child it looks better if the child attends services. But the problem is, my parents did not sit down and explain this to me calmly. They didn’t accept my religious doubts and just wanted to pressure me to be religious again. I don’t feel like they tried to see my side. My mother to this day sends me religious books and calendars (it’s not really a problem – but still, it shows she doesn’t accept my decision).

So much time and energy of my childhood was spent fighting for my religious freedom… And the freedom to be who I am.

I also agree that it is okay for parents to watch over the movies their child watches. I was mentioning this more as one of the forms I used to resist my parents. But they also took it too far sometimes. For example, they wouldn’t let me watch Sailor Moon because they claimed it was tied to Munism? I just couldn’t take this seriously, even as a child. It was just too much…

And that they condemned other religions just made it worse for me. I don’t care what someone does or doesn’t believe in. You are not better or worse just because you believe or don’t believe in a religion. At the end of the day, we are all humans. I can’t stand the arrogance of wanting to convert others… Or belittling someones religion as mere superstition, while thinking your religion is the only right one…

Why do I have problems saying no to men? I don’t only have this problem with men. Also with colleagues or friends.

I think I could tell my parents my opinion, because I was very sure of it. But I was probably not exactly nice about it. I also wasn’t able to see their side at the time to be honest. Back then I was different, I guess? A teenager and sometimes arrogant. But I also stood up for myself more, even if it wasn’t always in the best way. I believed in myself more, I thought I was a “fighter”. Sometimes I feel less passionate now. But sometimes people still say about me that I have inner strength. And I think I do? I think if I truly believe in something, I will stand up for it. But I can also be very weak and I have lost faith in myself, because I haven’t accomplished that much.

But at least, in the last month or so I was feeling a little better. Hopefully therapy can help me more and that someday I can accept myself better.

Dear anita,

thank you for your advice at always. Do you know it has helped me many times? I hope you are doing okay too.

Yesterday I talked to my therapist about my childhood. My parents did not respect my choices very much and if I had another opinion they didn’t accept it. They wanted me to submit to their rules and if I didn’t want it, I was the bad one.

Maybe this is also why I have such a hard time telling people what I want or to say no to them. With this new relationship I started, so far I haven’t succeeded very well. Trying to be in a relationship is hard and I have to constantly overcome my fears. But I want to try harder, because at the end of the day I have nothing to lose. I could only end up alone and I already know what that is like. And I also really like this person, so I would like to get to know him more.

I think this therapy is helping me. The new therapist seems to understand me and really care. But I have a long way to go, still.

Well. I guess I just wanted to give a little update and say thank you again.

Dear anita,

thank you for your reply as always.

I think I take those problems into my existing relationships. It is really hard for me to tell others what I want or to tell them what I don’t want or what I don’t find o.K.

Yesterday I tried to talk to the new person I met (boyfriend?) about contraception. Because it concerns me that he wanted to have unprotected sex. Last week he even said “I want to have a baby with you”. At first I just responded with “It’s too early for that. Maybe someday.” But then I thought more about it and found it weird that he said this after knowing me for less than a month. Was this just an invitation for unprotected sex??? I mean, which man likes to bring up children, especially if you just met someone new. Or maybe he just wanted to know my thoughts on having children later on… I don’t know.

What I told him yesterday was, that I don’t think it’s good that he wanted to have unprotected sex without even knowing me properly or talking about the topic. I also said that we don’t have that much money and also, what about STDs?

After talking to him, I felt like I had made a mistake. I think I didn’t find the right words, I also got too nervous and my voice got high pitched and child like. He apologized to me (which I hadn’t intended… the idea was more to have a conversation… not to make him feel bad) and said he accepts this. Then he hugged me and we just were lying next to each other for a while (clothed…). But I still felt nervous. Then he went to meet one of his friends.

Now I worry that I might have lectured him too much. Or that I made him feel bad, like he has STDs? Or something? I just don’t understand how someone can be so carefree about this topic. But I also didn’t want to patronize him… And it also didn’t really work. No real conversation happened. I’m really bad at this. Maybe I’m just not ready for a relationship?

Soon he will also go to another city to study and he will be only here for the weekends. I wonder what will happen then. He said we can still meet… I don’t know. Everything happened too fast.

Dear anita,

I don’t know if he was feeling sexual. That day I was sick. We were just talking, it was actually really nice. He was laying with his head on my lap and I was caressing his face…. For me it was clear that we were not going to have sex. The next day he wanted to come over to sleep at my place (I think he meant without sex?) after he came back from meeting his friends. As I was feeling sick, I communicated that I don’t want him to come over that day. He also would had arrived at about 2 am and maybe I’m boring, but that’s too late for me. And then I met him again yesterday.

Maybe I don’t trust him enough? He does seem to be a good person. He works really hard and is so focused on his goals (I would like to be more like that too!). He’s also really affectionate and never does anything against my will. He tells me about his plans for the future. His sister is my flatmate (in my current dormitory), but I don’t know her that well . But she also seems to be a good person and very hardworking. I think he also told her about me. Once I met her and she smiled at me in a way that makes me think he talked to her about me. He also knew something about me that she must have told him (that I spend a lot of time alone). So those are reasons that make me think he is trustworthy.

But I have a hard time trusting him. I find it hard to believe that someone like him would like me. I’m also 5 years older than him. I guess I look good, but I’m difficult, don’t have my life together and am old… Aside from compliments on my looks he said that he likes about me that I’m so nice and that I like people… And that I’m a good person.

Maybe he is genuine and I am too distrustful by sometimes suspecting he just wants sex?

I don’t know. I don’t know what he is thinking. He has a lot of things going on. His work, his friends, his family, his studies. Even when we meet he sometimes talks to one of his aunts on the phone. I wonder if there is even room for me in his life.

In comparison, my life feels empty and boring. But actually I like it a bit calmer. But sometimes I feel ashamed when I tell him that I have mostly been painting on a day. (Sometimes I get even less done 🙁 )

Am I very stupid for having sex with him so quickly? It wasn’t very well thought through and I also lost control a little bit. That was actually something I didn’t want to do. I wanted to wait until I get to know a person better. But I seem to repeat my mistakes. Dating flatmates (he was living with his sister for the summer) is definetely not a good idea for me. It makes it much harder to establish my boundaries.

Maybe it really better not to have sex with him until I get to know him better. But it will also be hard to get to know him better, sice he is going away this week.

Dear anita,

today I met with this man and we went to eat. I think he is a really good person. He tells me about his plans and how he took responsibility for himself and his siblings from an early age on. I wish I could be like that myself. In comparison I feel very childlike and broken. I really want to get my life together. But why wasn’t I able to do it so far? People my age usually have their careers more figured out and are financially independent. But I guess it doesn’t help to compare. It will help to try harder.

Maybe I first have to sort out my mental health problems. I don’t know if I have enough to offer to him… I think he deserves a truly amazing person. He thinks I’m a good person ( he said it again yesterday on the phone). But I have so many flaws and he will probably be disappointed when he gets to know me better. Sometimes I wonder if I act “holier than thou”, so that people think I’m like that? But I’m just very flawed. Once I told my old therapist that I want to be a good person, and she asked if I want to be a saint? I don’t want to give this impression, like I’m all innocent or perfect? I especially don’t want to give others the impression that I’m somehow more “good” or “innocent” than them. I would like to be more human and authentic.

In the past (especially in the last half year) many of my friendships failed, like I explained earlier on this thread. This really makes me doubt my ability to be a good friend or partner. Why did I behave like this? In the future I want to rather address problems with people, than just stop calling them. I do really regret this. Maybe I was just lazy. It was uncomfortable. And also, when I feel bad about myself, I have a tendency to isolate myself. I only stayed in contact with very close people.

I’m very scared that I will hurt him in the future. Or that I will be a burden to him (or anybody). That’s why I really want to improve.

Dear anita,

thanks for your response. It encouraged me a little.

Of course, other people have problems too. I need to stop focusing so much on my flaws and try to build my confidence. Writing helps, I think. Maybe I should start writing daily.

This attempt of a relationship makes me feel so insecure. It’s hard for me to believe that anyone could actually like me. It can’t be real. I’m always waiting for him to tell me that he wants to end it. Probably not the best conditions for a healthy relationship.

After meeting him I lost my balance a little. I was often waiting to meet him and even returned home earlier than I normally would have on some occasions. And I didn’t get that much done. So I felt very boring and strange.

Now I want to focus on myself more again. Actually I have a lot of interests, but I need to actually engage in them more. Maybe this will make me feel better about myself. But in therapy we also talked about how self worth doesn’t have to be tied to accomplishments. You can base it on your values, relationships or even your looks… It’s hard for me to distance myself from that belief that I’m not good enough because I’m not productive enough or haven’t accomplished enough.

I wish I could accept myself more. It’s probably the key to everything else that doesn’t work out. But how do I start? On some days I can even feel good about myself and I know that I have some talents. But on other days I hate myself so much. Sometimes I wish somebody could hit me or punish me.

It is true that people could take advantage of me… But I don’t think that man is like that. He seems to be very respectful to everyone he meets. I really think he is a good person. He also always asks if I’m okay, also when it comes to sex. He doesn’t pressure me. But I still sometimes said that it is okay, when I was feeling unsure or didn’t enjoy it that much. I guess I should try to be more honest. But it’s the hardest thing for me to say no to others. Maybe if I get to know him better I will relax more.

The only thing I don’t like that much is that he often takes phone calls and talks to the callers for a few minutes, while we meet. Or he looks as his smartphone. I guess it’s normal in our day and age, but I find it kind of sad. If someone called me, I would just say that I will call again later? He is very social and connected to his family, which is good for him. But at the same time, if I’m meeting with a person, I want to spend the time with them, not think about others, that are far away… It seems to me that everyone wants something from him and he wants to help everyone. So maybe he has similar problems like me…

And I also wonder if there is even space for me in his life…

But I guess I have to just see how it goes. I should probably try to worry a little less about all that. On the positive side, I wouldn’t have even gone on a date with someone a few years earlier. If someone expressed any form of interest in me, I would have run and hidden away. So it’s seems I’m making slow progress?

Dear anita,

I hope I am making progress. In the last months, I felt a little bit better than in the months before… Maybe also because I didn’t take my medication for Hypothyroidism since about February and started taking them again this summer.

In theory, it seems possible that these negative thoughts are not true. I can understand that people sometimes believe in things that are not true, maybe because they are uninformed or they just grew up with those beliefs and it’s hard to challenge them. As I said before, I can also see that I have some positive qualities as well. And I know I focus too much on my negative sides.

My goal right now is to become more confident. My therapist suggested I try out voice coaching (as my voice is so soft, high and childlike, especially when I’m feeling insecure). But it’s too expensive, maybe I will try to join a choir. Last Saturday, I met a friend I hadn’t seen in so long by accident. It was so nice to see her! She invited me to join her, as she is going to look at a new choir this week. The only thing is, I don’t really like choirs… In my childhood I wanted to join the church choir for children. But after a while, I wanted to leave but wasn’t allowed. Also, my mother likes to sing at family events, she even sings prayer songs at the restaurant. I feel kind of embarrassed and uncomfortable in such situations. Singing together always feels cultish to me… But I really want to make this therapy work this time, so I want to listen to the therapists suggestions.

Also, I wanted to go to a self – defense class for a long time, but it’s also way too expensive. But now I found a sports center that offers self-defense classes and also lots of other classes for only 10€ per month. I want to go there with a friend next Friday.

Another thing I want to do is write a “self-love-journal” everyday where I list things I like about myself. The youtuber Lavendaire suggested this idea in one of her videos and I think it’s worth a try.

Am I wanting too much at once again? Maybe I’m setting myself up for failure again… I think after I met this new person I felt so boring when I told him that I spent my days painting, cleaning up a little, reading or cooking and only going to work on some days. Now I feel like I don’t want to be such an unproductive person anymore…

After I met him last Wednesday, he isn’t contacting me that much anymore. Maybe he is just busy. Or he has other problems. Apparently there are also problems in his home country at the moment, so maybe he has far bigger things to worry about. I hope his family is o.K…. I don’t want to be selfish, but I still worry and feel sad. He only sends me messages that say “Hi” or “How are you?”. But he doesn’t respond if I ask him how he is or comments on my answers (they are short too, because I don’t know if I should engage in a conversation, if he seems so uninterested in it). I worry that I appeared too insecure during our last meeting. I was feeling uncomfortable and couldn’t be myself. When he told me about his plans and his life, I was impressed. He seems like such a good person. But at the same time, I got really scared, because I have such problems getting my life together. And I told him that I have these problems. He also asked me what I think when I hear the word “future” and I answered that I want to be more independent, but that I’m also sacred of the future.

He probably realized, that I have a lot of things to work on myself. He is someone, who does everything for his future goals. He always gets things done, so he has no problems later. He always says: life is easy. But for me it’s often hard, maybe I make it hard for myself. I get afraid, so in the end I stand in my own way and don’t get things done. He is the opposite. He said there is nothing to be afraid of, if you’re a good person. And then he goes out and gets things done. Maybe, as I have problems in that area that is so important to him, he realized that I’m not an adequate partner.

I don’t know, I feel sad that he is not contacting me that much anymore. But I try to focus on myself and my goal of becoming more confident. I think if I get more confident, I can also solve my other problems better. Therefore I want to do all those new activities and meet more people and work on myself. On the plus side, I got back in contact with three friends I hadn’t seen in a while. So there are still some things to look forward to and there are still some people who do like me…

About telling him to not take phone calls while we are seeing each other. Yes, I could do this, but at the same time, I don’t want to be too judicial. If we meet again, maybe I could try  this. Last time we met, he even called someone, because he wanted to ask them, if he could give away their phone number to another person. So he must have also had this conversation about the phone number on his Smartphone while we met… Maybe it’s also my fault. I was nervous and insecure and there were awkward silences… So maybe, likely, I made him feel uncomfortable and was not fun to be around.

I hope that someday I can accept myself more and be more comfortable with myself and therefore with others.