Dear anita,

I can look for that meditation later. There is one called “listening and thoughts”. Maybe that is the one.

Today I was feeling a little bit better, more calm. After work, I went for a long walk. The bad thoughts still are there though. What I have started to notice lately is that all my negativity and anger is directed towards myself. Meanwhile I barely got angry at the two men that hurt me. Instead I tried to understand them. Even if I could feel the (emotional) pain they had caused me in my body. And with the first one especially, even after he had so obviously mistreated me. My therapist suggested that this was so i could feel in control of the situation, but I don’t completely understand it yet.

About not trusting myself. I am not sure, but it could be because my parents are so overprotective. My father is scared of everything and expects something bad to happen always and everywhere. I think I told you already about how my sister went for a on-the-job training to another city? My father was very worried and thought that the company was not to be trusted… My sister even said that maybe he thought it was related to the mafia… He sometimes has some crazy theories like that. And if not, he is definitely always listening and talking about bad news. And judging others harshly for their misbehaviour, while not being able to take criticism well himself. So I think I might have learned that fear-based thinking from him.

When there was a conflict, there was very little understanding and negotiating. It was more of a “his way or the highway” kind of situation. At the same time he also wasn’t consequent with his punishments. I think my parents, they didn’t know how to be parents. And at some point they kind of gave up, I think? And they left me and my siblings to ourselves. At least I know I didn’t have much guidance during my childhood and teenage years. But I also didn’t trust them and didn’t take them seriously after a while. We lived under the same roof, but we didn’t even eat together (when I was a teenager), because we all came home at different times. And I didn’t care for their opinions anymore (they were too narrow-minded).

And my father, like I told you before, he didn’t like me. At least, it felt like that. Once he said to me “You are a disgusting person, who hates herself”. Now I think, that he was maybe talking to himself there, not being happy with himself. So if you hear things like that, I guess it doesn’t exactly help with your self-confidence. I remember being unhappy as a child. So unhappy, that I thought about suicide even when I was younger than 12 years old.

And there were also those arguments with my sister, where she went to seek my father’s help. And as I remember it, he was always on her side. So my feelings were not respected or disregarded there. My feelings also were disregarded when it came to the religion issue. They had no understanding for my point of view, I was just supposed to fall in line and be a good presentable daughter of a pastor. Of course I understand that this was my father’s job, but they could have handled the situation better. They could have tried to understand me and put less pressure on me. There just was no way for me to find my own path…

Hm, I don’t know if that answers the question or if I rambled along for too long.

About shame. I don’t remember many examples of when I felt shame at a young age. I know I was overly sensitive. I was always scared for teachers to criticize me or call me out even in elementary school. And if it happened, it hurt more than it should.

The children in elementary school didn’t like me, I was always the weird one. They once called me “monster” (but the word in German is much more derogatory). And the teacher heard it. Even then I said to the teacher that it is no problem, because I didn’t want to be disliked more by my peers I think? So that pattern of minimizing the abuse of others is very old…

Once, when we visited my aunt, I got scared of her father in law. I said to my mother: “I am glad that I don’t have such a bad grandpa”. And my mother told it to my aunt and they laughed about it, and I felt very ashamed. I guess I got ashamed over little things. Somehow I cannot come up with a lot of examples.
One thing is for sure. The message I got from everywhere was: the way you are is not right. You shouldn’t be so shy, you should be more confident, you are too sensitive, you cry too much, you are too fat, not pretty enough, you shouldn’t get angry, you are not good enough in school… But there was not much guidance on how to deal with those things.

I still feel like I am complaining when I write about these things… But I think what you wrote earlier is true, that these experiences have shaped me and damaged me. And both of my siblings have problems too.

But I want my future to become better. I want to be at peace with myself one day. And make better decisions for myself.

Dear anita,

the “sounds and thoughts” meditation was not the one you were talking about it seems. A window wasn’t mentioned there. I found the things he said there made sense, but I also have a hard time concentrating at the moment and a hard time to absorb the things he says.

Making my life better every day sounds like a very good idea and like it could work. Just at the moment I feel very exhausted and overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel hopeless and I have a lot of self disgust. I guess I will have to start with very, very small steps. Today I have the interview for this program, where a mentor will help you with your career. Then I also want to study for a while, even if it is just for a short period of time. I have to just start. Clean up for half an hour. Go for a walk. I also don’t want to think so much about K. Maybe this can be a start.

What you tried to explain there about my relationship with my parents, I can understand it on an intellectual level. It makes sense. I also read somewhere that you try to resolve your childhood problems in relationships. But emotionally, I don’t quite get it. Even as a child I disliked my father. He was just too unfair and unkind to me. He hit me and said terrible things to me. My therapist also said that, even if a child doesn’t like their parent, it still secretly wants their approval. But I don’t know, somehow the thought didn’t really sink in.

Dear anita,

in my childhood I cannot remember such moments, I don’t think. Maybe I forgot. I also wasn’t very nice to him, I must say. Sometimes he helped me with my homework, but it was difficult as he is not so good at explaining and I wasn’t so interested in the subject. He tried to help me in his way, I think. For example he organized coaching lessons for the subjects I wasn’t good at.When I was little we went for day trips to places of interest, but I don’t know if I interacted much with him there?

Now as a grown up, he has been kinder to me. Sometimes he can be understanding and gentle. I also admire how he stood up for his beliefs in a time where it wasn’t easy politically. Sometimes I sense his vulnerability and I feel compassion for him. But in my childhood there was not much mutual understanding, as far as I can remember. I think because of talking about my childhood more in therapy, old wounds opened again and I got angrier and more impatient with my parents recently. Why do you ask?

I don’t remember clearly how I felt, when he hurt me. I think it didn’t feel good, it hurt me. When he said I blackmailed him with my crying, I then cried only when I was alone. As a child I felt like I wanted to break free, I couldn’t wait to grow up and move out. But when I grew up, I was pretty lost about what to do.

Dear anita,

even as a child, I wasn’t very confident. I wanted very much to be confident and thought that being confident meant being loud and rebellious. So I tried to act like that, I even kind of took pride in having bad marks, to not been seen like a nerd. I was very confused and didn’t know that you can also be calm and confident at the same time.

But in my teenage years, I also was very afraid of boys. It seemed impossible to me that one could like me, When someone suggested that a calssmate was interested in me, it seemed so unrealistic that I thoght they were just making fun of me. But thinking back later I thought that maybe he could have been interested.

My teenage and childhood years have been very much consumed with my own personal religious war against my parents. I made fun of my parents with my friends. For example when my father proclaimed that one of my favorite TV shows was linked to a cult. Especially back then they were very close-minded with their religious beliefs, today it has improved a little bit. And I was more influenced by my friends and Televison, so I had a very different world view. They grew up in a completely different time (GDR) under very different circumstances (both grew up on a farm) and we couldn’t understand each other.

Sometimes I stood up to my parents. I told them that I didn’t want to go through with confirmation, but in the end I caved in. The same with religion class. At a certain age, you are supposed to choose freely between religion class and ethics class on your own. But I had to go to religion class, even though I didn’t want to. Sometimes I rebelled against them. I secretly watched forbidden TV shows, I hit them back when they hit me or told them that I hated them ( I am not proud of myself for that, but I was an angry child). Most of the time, I rebelled in secret, not openly. Often I also did what they wanted, but had negative and angry feelings about it.

I think as a teenager I was more convinced of myself. Then it didn’t go well with my career and my self-esteem became lower and lower. I was so afraid of the future and had existential fears from an early age on. Everybody was asking about what I was going to do with my life and I didn’t know the answer. I felt shame about being financially dependent on my parents still. And relatives also made such comments. Now I wish I would have just been a little bit more patient with myself.

As I grew older, I also became more understanding of my parents. I wanted to take on responsiblity for myself. Maybe I took it too far.

Also, I think in my early twenties, I think a shift in my thinking happened. One of my best friends didn’t call me or stay in contact anymore. She had been very important to me. Maybe it was just because we lived in different cities. But it hurt me very much. I wondered if I had shared too much about my problems with her. I made a vow not to be difficult anymore, to be nice in any case. Maybe it had something to do with this? Be friendly, don’t be negative is what I wanted to be. It took me a long time to find  a friend I truly cared for after our friendship had ended.

My recent experiences with men also didn’t help. The way that first man treated me, I think it hurt me a lot. Otherwise I would have probably not given in to have sex so easily with the second one. Because with the first one, I said no at first. I pushed him away at first. But he didn’t stop and then I gave up. There was resistance on my part, but it wasn’t strong enough. And this pattern happened over months. But of course, he is not the root of all my problems, I don’t think. But as a teenager, I always wanted to wait for the right one. But then, when I had waited for so long, I felt kind of left out and desperate and lonely and wanted to make my own experiences… But I found the worst person for that.

Overall, I am a living contradiction, I think. My emotional problems, they started as a child. I don’t think I was that confident. Only sometimes. And I think I was on my own side more. But also I was confused about how to behave, their was no real role model there…

I don’t quite understand myself sometimes. I think I still have that strong side in me though.