And how are you?

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Lily.

Dear anita,

yes, I am allright. I went to therapy today, then made food and worked on uni projects all afternoon.

I am thankful for your help. Just, everything got very intense lately and I think I needed to have some time away from focusing on my problems so much.

I still think a lot about K. I think we both were bad communicators. I have a very hard time asking people for something and telling them what I want. My therapist said today, that I don’t express clearly what I want. Sometimes I wish, I could have had a conversation with K. about everything. But then, I already offered him this and he didn’t seem too interested. So at least all the confusion is over now and I have the clarity that I wanted. So I can begin to move on. In the end, I will feel better about everything, I think.

Sorry to hear that your injury hasn’t healed yet. Hopefully you will be well soon! Have a nice and calm walk. Is it also so cold at your area?

Dear anita,

I don’t know what to think of him, but I know he he made me feel. He made me feel like I was boring, not interesting, lazy, crazy, weird and worthless. Maybe it comes from my own insecurities, but I know my other friends don’t make me feel like that. In the future I don’t want to accept someone who has no time for me anymore. I want to say something if someone talks to others on the phone more than once while meeting me. I don’t want to accept it, that if someone says they will come to visit me now, they arrive one hour later because they have met their sister and had to talk to her. Nor do I ever want to have sex with someone again, if I just met them or don’t feel comfortable with them. I want to listen to my own gut feelings more. If I don’t feel comfortable with someone, there must be a reason for that.

The good thing after all of this is, that I am now seeing these things clearer. After my experience with that other guy, even though it was much worse, I still was confused, I still didn’t get it. In hindsight I think he has done much more damage to me than I realized. He took so much away from me, he was the first man I was with… But I think I am stronger than the two of them together and I don’t want to ever become like them! I want to treat others with respect, want to be honest and work on my problems. I don’t want to let others disrespect me anymore.

Yes, I want to move on. And now, after sending this message, he will hopefully not contact me anymore and distract me like he did before.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Lily.

Dear anita,

maybe it was just a very bad match. I know that it must have been not easy with me. I have problems showing my feelings, expressing what I want. Sometimes I wanted to hug him, but was too afraid to do it. He also told me a lot about his life, while I am hard to talk to at times. It is hard for me to talk a lot about myself, because of my insecurities. And dating someone, I was very overwhelmed. Maybe the increased bad feelings also just came from the different nature of the relationship. Everything happened way too fast for me and I didn’t know how to handle it. Also my fears about infecting him, must have been very hard to deal with. It must have been stressful for him, hard to understand.

To be honest, I don’t feel so good about having sent this harsh message. It surely was for the best to end it, as this wouldn’t have worked out most likely. But having ended it on such a bad note, it makes it harder for me to move on. Unlike you, I am not sure what to think about him. People are not just black and white, good or bad. Sometimes he was very sweet and genuine. He seemed to care a lot about his family, his country. But he also didn’t seem too interested in me for a longer time and I wish he would have said something. But people also are not perfect, and I am not perfect myself at all.

I guess it is all part of the learning experience. Finding my own way, trusting myself, learning how to deal with things.

What I have learned from all of this, is what I wrote down above: to speak out more, to trust my own gut feelings. This thread has also helped me to see things a lot clearer. And for this, I thank you anita.

Dear anita,

you are right. I guess with time I will be able to get over it, especially when there will be no new messages from him. Sometimes I try to understand others too much. But it’s useless. I should either ask them directly about their behaviour, or if they disrespect me repeatedly, let them go.

Dear anita,

in any case, it is over now. I still think a lot about him, I am still sad. But it will get better with time.

Now it’s time to work on my other problems. And there is still a lot of work to do there.

Thank you for your help and support!

Thank, you, anita!