What if you are the toxic person?

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This topic has 294 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 5 months ago by Anonymous.

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January 22, 2019 at 9:25 am #276133

Lily
Participant

Dear anita,

okay. I will send it to him.

In the past I was more assertive, so I know I have it in me. But other times, I can’t say no. I will ask my therapist how to learn to assert myserf more. And I wanted to take a self defense class. I didn’t like the last one. Maybe it’s time to try a new one.

January 22, 2019 at 9:27 am #276135

Lily
Participant

Oh and thank you a lot for your help and patience!

January 22, 2019 at 9:44 am #276141

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lily:

You are welcome. Yes, I noticed your assertiveness before, including the time you asserted yourself with me regarding my use of the third person when posting to you. But in the context of the couple of men you shared about there was a bit of assertion here and there, but overall the lack of assertiveness was so massive that it was overwhelming to read.

I have no doubt that you improved your assertion with men by coming up with that message you intend to send him, that you will further improve by sending it, and that you can improve a whole lot in the future in the area of asserting yourself with men.

anita

January 22, 2019 at 9:50 am #276145

Lily
Participant

Dear anita,

I did send it… Not sure how I feel about that. But I don’t want to be that person any more!

January 22, 2019 at 9:57 am #276147

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lily:

Congratulations for sending it!

If there is any development on this front, if he texts you anything, or communicates anything to you in any other way, please let me know before your respond. Also, if you feel badly now or later on about having sent this (excellent) text, do let me know and I will reply to you, we can talk about whatever it is that you are feeling, and whatever, if anything, happens next.

anita

January 22, 2019 at 10:05 am #276149

Lily
Participant

Dear anita,

I feel a little worried… Yes, I am worried that I might have hurt him still. But it will take time before I can truly change… But I feel relatively calm.

I don’t think he will respond, I have a feeling that he is not very bold (if that is the right word).

For now I will go offline and read a little or something… Do something relaxing. I just want to do calm, nice things with people I feel comfortable with. I will be happy, if he doesn’t write me again. It just confuses and distracts me.

If there are any news, I will tell you. Thanks again for your help!

January 22, 2019 at 10:16 am #276157

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lily:

I strongly believe you did the right thing sending this text and I am glad you did. I believe that your feeling that you hurt him is not true to reality. I think you did the right thing not only for you, but for him. I hope you have a relaxing time offline and looking forward to read from you anytime you want to post.

anita

January 22, 2019 at 11:11 am #276197

Lily
Participant

Dear anita,

okay I was wrong. He responded: what happened?

January 22, 2019 at 11:18 am #276199

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lily:

What happened is that he didn’t respect your assertion.

Your assertion was: “Please don’t contact me anymore. It is over and I want to move on with my life. Goodbye”.

It is very important that you don’t cooperate with him disrespecting your assertion by answering his question. I strongly suggest you send him the following message:

Do not disrespect my assertion again. I texted you: “don’t contact me anymore”, and you contacted me. I repeat myself: do not contact me anymore.

(Perhaps the word Please confused him after all).

anita

January 22, 2019 at 11:31 am #276205

Lily
Participant

Dear anita,

it is very hard for me to write such a message. It feels bad. I feel bad for writing like this. A part of me wants to explain everything. But I truly believe that nothing good can come from this. We could never be friends. I don’t need someone who doesn’t have time for me and only writes to me “how are you”.

What if I write him: It is over, we agreed to break up on the phone. Like I told you, I want to move on.

January 22, 2019 at 11:45 am #276209

Lily
Participant

Or I could write: It is over, like we agreed on the phone. Please respect my decision and don’t contact me again.

January 22, 2019 at 12:00 pm #276211

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lily:

I suppose your message: “it is over, like we agreed on the phone. Please respect my decision and don’t contact me again.” is okay. I prefer to take out the part “like we agreed on the phone” because it suggests your assertion requires his agreement. Better you send:

“it is over. Please respect my decision and don’t contact me again”.

anita

January 22, 2019 at 12:06 pm #276213

Lily
Participant

Dear anita,

I did send it to him… It feels very overwhelming… Everything in me just wants to be nice and talk. But he also didn’t respect my wishes there.

I feel like a very horrible person.

January 22, 2019 at 12:16 pm #276221

Lily
Participant

I will go to sleep now, if I can. Thank you for your support through hard times. I know it must be difficult sometimes to communicate with me. Thank you so much!

January 22, 2019 at 12:16 pm #276223

Lauren
Participant

Hey Lily — you’re so not. Sometimes people don’t want to hear the truth. It’s your truth and you must tell it :.)
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