Dear anita,

but what if he is feeling so bad that he can’t call? I’m so scared. If I only disrespected myself, I can live with it and forgive myself at some point. But if I damaged him, even though I never wanted it, I could never forgive myself. Today I even went kind of dizzy when I was walking outside – that never happens to me.

He seemed like a good person, I know you don’t think so. Of course, I didn’t know him well.

The way he treated me, of course, was showing disinterest. He didn’t respond to me often and never let me be part of his life. But maybe he was really busy? My friend said, that it doesn’t make sense that he really doesn’t have time to call or text me. Because when he was with me, he was always on the phone, talking to someone else. One time, he even called someone, after texting with them on his smartphone while we were eating out. He didn’t ask me a lot of questions, didn’t seem to want to know more about my life. He never had much time for me. His work, studies and family were always more important to him. Once he wanted to come over to my place to spend the night, after he returned from a night out with his friends. He said he would return at about 2 am, so I declined. In the beginning he gave me a lot of compliments, but most were about my looks. Only once he said that he liked about me that I was so nice and that I liked people. He also said “I love you” very quickly and wanted to have unprotected sex. And he said he wanted to have a baby with me, which I found strange and thoughtless.

Those are things that I find disrespectful and show that he was not interested. But on the other hand, he told me about his work and his family. He seemed so kind and friendly. He told me I was a good person. He always asked if I was o.K. and said he could wait when it comes to sex.

While typing this, I’m realizing I can’t come up with a lot of reasons why I think he is a good person… It was more of a vibe that he gave to me, when we were together. His actions told me otherwise.

Dear anita,

today I’m feeling so-so…. A little bit worse. I can feel a lot of anxiety and stress in my body, as I often did after my interactions with K. didn’t go right. I wish I would have paid more attention to these feelings and asked myself why I am feeling this way. It shouldn’t be like that in a good relationship or friendship. This is what my therapist meant, I think,  when she said that I don’t describe my feelings, but only situations and should pay more attention to my feelings. It is a little sign of progress that I am noticing this more now, I hope. I really really hope it is, as I am feeling so crazy.

Sadly, I still worry a lot about what K. thinks of me now. Probably that I am crazy. But it shouldn’t be my concern and doesn’t matter for my life.

Yesterday I also worried about all the personal things I wrote in this thread. It is maybe not normal to share such personal things online. What if someone finds out? I’m sometimes wondering, if it is possible to delete all my threads? But they also helped me, you helped me. And I couldn’t talk so openly with people in my everyday life so often. Sometimes I tell my best friend about my struggles and she is really supportive, but I don’t want to talk too much about it.

Regarding your post: I want to stick to my resolutions, as I really want to get better! Also questioning my thoughts like you suggested to me many times before, will be helpful to me.

Can I ask you something, though? Please don’t be offended, but could you please not write to me in third person like you did here: “what Lily  wants”. I know you probably didn’t mean it to be patronizing, but it makes me feel like a child and uncomfortable. I know that you said that I am like a child. I realize that I have a lot of work and growing up to do. You can also tell me, if you feel that I am like a child or anything else that you want to tell me. I prefer that you are honest and don’t sugarcoat things for me. Actually, I appreciate your honesty. I think that I need to hear these things and I am open for criticism. I think I am just trying to assert myself more here, that is all. Please don’t take it personally.

When it comes to my perfectionism, it is mostly related to my art or career. But also, if I go on a hike with my brother, I would probably prepare some time consuming food (but I don’t know if that is a problem in this case, maybe I just like to cook some good food…).

But when it comes to my art, it can be a problem, because it keeps me from finishing projects. I am seldomly satisfied, I take too much time or don’t even get started. When I see the works of others, I sometimes get discouraged, especially if they are in the same class as me. If I am seeing art in a museum or read a good graphic novel, I can appreciate the artwork more and get inspired. The people at my art school are so good! And I have a different style than most. Art is actually the one area, where I am more confident. I know that I have some talent, even my professors like it, I mean I can feel they truly like it, when I get something done. When just focusing on my own projects, sometimes I feel happy and confident. But then I look at others and get insecure and get nothing done. In the last months though, I felt like I improved a little bit in this area. My recent drawings felt more like they were truly me.

Dear anita,

I hope it was o.K. to ask about not writing in third person. Like I said, I want to try to assert myself more, speak up more. So this was a little experiment. Because I learned that people will only respect you more, when you speak up for yourself. I want to do more of this in my life, so I wanted to start here.

Maybe stumbling in the dark and feeling crazy is what I feel, when I try to find out what others want. Then I try to act in the way it is expected, but it leads to bad decisions. So from know on, I have the intention of listening more to myself.

Yesterday I was watching a Youtube video criticizing the Youtuber “hidinginmyroom”, who talks a lot about his personal life, very bluntly, sharing very personal details about his life. So I guess I was looking at the criticism and applying it to myself (I often do this – take criticism for others and ask myself if I’m also guilty of it). Even before watching this, I had worried a little about it. Sometimes I get paranoid. I’m not completely decided if I want to delete this or not. The conversation with you has helped me a lot to see things clearer. It also helped me in my times of distress. Just sometimes I think: whoever reads this will think that I am crazy.

Today I also chatted with my sister. She is now away at a seminar for her job. My father apparently immediately worried that this company is not serious. So I joked to my sister: “Have you been brainwashed and joined a cult yet?” and after she showed me some pictures of her room I said “I see you haven’t been kidnapped yet”. So we talked a little bit about my father. He is worrying all the time and he can drive you really crazy. He is the kind of person that would tell you everything that can go wrong, one day before you have a surgery. I recently noticed that my grandmother is similar. We are not very close, but whenever we talk on the phone, she tells me about all the murders that recently happened in my city…

Anyways, I guess this could be the source of my irrational, fear-based thinking. My sister also told me that she feels often guilty and has a hard time saying no. She also feels guilty, when she is not listening to my father enough. Conversations with him are more like a speech, where he doesn’t react so much to what the other person has to say. He has no friends… I feel kind of sorry for him.

Unlike me, my sister liked my father as a child until puberty. She also didn’t feel hated by him and he didn’t say such things to her like he did to me. But she was also his favourite. He was always on her side and even read books to her. My mother once said something like, that he was somewhat jealous of me when I was first born, because I got so much attention?

Sorry, I just wanted to respond quickly, but it got very long again.

How are you doing today? Is your leg better? Have a good day away from the computer!