Very confusing relationship...

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This topic has 12 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.

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January 17, 2019 at 9:49 am #275143

Wanderer
Participant

None of what you’ve described sounds favourable. You listened to your gut well. You’ve made the right decision, good on you!

January 17, 2019 at 10:02 am #275145

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jenna08:

Let’s see: he is 56, been in a relationship with you for 8 months. Very early on he told you the following: you are my soulmate. I looked for you my whole life. I never loved like this before. You are everything I’ve ever wanted. I’ve only been with three women in my life and I have very little sexual experience”-

I think that his motivation in making these statements was to motivate you to be a willing and enthusiastic participant in a charged emotional/ sexual relationship with him. The statements he made worked before, so he used them again. Even for an educated woman like yourself, feeling weird hearing those statements, they are appealing nonetheless, aren’t they?

“We would be apart for a few days and he would return in what I call hypersexual state. Asking to do weird things… aggressive in bed”- I think your evaluation of him being hypersexual is true. His focus from the beginning of his communication with you, as it is with many other women, is sex. This is his aim. He craves sexual stimulation and pursues it.

Every other thing a relationship is supposed to be about (ex., honesty, trust) is not important to him. Everything is on the backburner because sex is in the front burner. All means justify the end: his sexual stimulation: he’ll say anything to motivate a woman, do anything to hide what will un-motivate her (his having sex with other women).

I was wondering as it may be revealing: in what circumstances did he tell you to slow down?

anita

January 17, 2019 at 10:03 am #275147

Mark
Participant

Jenna08,

I can understand the pain and feeling of betrayal. He is not in your life anymore (hopefully). Trying to figure out why he is what he is, is not very useful in order to move on.

The key thing for you is to take away any learnings about yourself about this experience. Each relationship brings up challenges which gives us opportunities to learn. Increasing our self awareness, our discernment of others, how we communicate, what our boundaries are, how we value ourselves are some of the ways that having relationships (friendships, romantic, family) push us to examine and grow.

Make sense?

Mark

January 17, 2019 at 10:29 am #275151

Jenna08
Participant

Anita. He would tell me in those words, “slow down…” whenever I brought up a lie. And he would pause… I would pause and not even be talking … as time went on I realized he Always said that when he was trying to create more time to explain, rather lie more about why he was lying. Mark… no we are definitely apart. No contact at all. What I am learning about myself is duh….. I have very if any boundaries for myself. Red flags from the Start that I didn’t pay attention to. I’m a people pleaser. Always have been. Emotionally unavailable mother and then went on to marry a narcissist and Then find myself in this sick situation. And I admit. This was the most confusing of all. Words and actions did Not match up and I ignored that. And I made the mistake of Not trusting my gut. My gut was alarming me the entire time and I didn’t listen. I have been reading a lot and diving into what I am doing wrong and it’s all about my boundaries. Also. The biggest thing for me and I can be told 100 x’s that he is a sick person or manipulative and all of it…. I cannot wrap my brain around the fact that people operate or think this way. That’s why I reach out for advice on it because to me it just doesn’t make sense. And I so appreciate your words of wisdom. They are lifelines for me. Each day no contact I feel healthier but man…… that was something else.

January 17, 2019 at 10:35 am #275155

Jenna08
Participant

I’m thinking too that maybe he is a sex addict. Ya think. It got to the point where I didn’t even want to go out in public w him because it was so uncomfortable how he would oogle other women. Nothing discreet about it…. right in front of me eye up and down and back up and smile and eye contact and stare hard. And then convince me I didn’t see what I saw. I’m not a jealous kind and I’m pretty attractive I’ve been told…. that wore on me. I’ve learnd about gaslighting too and I think that was going on. I just look forward to the day when I No longer wonder about it. And that will happen in time. I want time to hurry up….

January 17, 2019 at 10:53 am #275161

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jenna08:

“I cannot wrap my brain around the fact that people operate or think this way… it just doesn’t make sense”-

do you feel the same way about your “Emotionally unavailable mother”, and the “narcissist” man she married, that you can’t wrap your brain around the fact that they operated they ways they did?

anita

January 17, 2019 at 11:04 am #275163

Jenna08
Participant

Yes I do feel that way. Now that I’m a mother I don’t understand it. But especially I don’t understand manipulation.

January 17, 2019 at 11:15 am #275167

Jenna08
Participant

He also had a very almost secretive vibe. And aggression underlying. You could feel it

January 17, 2019 at 11:15 am #275169

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jenna08:

Is it that you don’t understand the cruelty of it, of a mother having no heart for her child, hurting an innocent child? I often wondered recently, why didn’t my mother share her troubles with me and then accepted my efforts, as a child, to help her… why did she refuse to operate with me like a team, be honest with me and work with me.. why she (did she) had to lie and manipulate me through guilt, hurt me as badly as she did, what good did it do to her.

Anything like that, such wonderings on your part?

anita

January 17, 2019 at 11:35 am #275171

Jenna08
Participant

My mother has little empathy. I have an over abundance. That’s part of it I think

January 17, 2019 at 11:48 am #275177
Valora
Participant
Yes I do feel that way. Now that I’m a mother I don’t understand it. But especially I don’t understand manipulation.

My mother has little empathy. I have an over abundance. That’s part of it I think

With empathy comes understanding, though. Chances are, when people hurt others or do things with little to no regard for the feelings of anyone else, they have some deep-seeded issues, and the worse their actions, the more likely it is a mental illness, such as a personality disorder. Their actions generally aren’t right, especially morally, but they’re understandable in that case (although that still does NOT make them excusable… it just means they likely need help).

I don’t think any of us could actually diagnose this guy specifically without knowing him, but he definitely has some issues, and it’s a good thing to trust your gut when you feel something isn’t right. It’s good that you were able to pick up on that and I’m glad you aren’t with him.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Valora.
January 17, 2019 at 11:53 am #275183

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jenna08:

Yes, children do tend to fill in the vacuum of the experience with a non empathetic parent with excess empathy. It is similar to what happens when a plant is situated in dry, poor ground: it grows its roots longer and longer trying to reach water and nutrition.

It is interesting that a mother who has little empathy to her child, may have lots of empathy to her own mother, or even to a neighbor, but not to her daughter. And this man you mentioned, he may have empathy to his dog, but not to the women in his life.

It comes to what/ who people value. A decent person will act with basic decency to all people. A person who is not decent will value only selected people and see no value in some or most people, then he/ she proceed to treat those he doesn’t value in most disrespectful and even abusive ways.

anita
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