I agree in lots of ways.  however, I think my ex was in to me, but wasn’t ready to share things like that, but then again, i could be way wrong.  Thinking back of a post she did put up only 2 months after our break up about breakfast and sex.  Maybe you are right, or maybe she changed at the end?  I will never know.  I’m not the type that can just forget about it either which sucks.  But I have to keep trying.  She was the first thing i thought of this morning when I opened my eyes and have been since i woke up.  I am at work now and going to try to let that consume my brain instead of her.  It really did/does hurt to have seen that post tho.  To feel like I was cheated or fooled into thinking that someone did love me the same way i did her.

I just feel so bad for my girlfriend now.  She was getting assistance by the state for food stamps, now they took all but $75 away for that and for daycare, she would have to pay at least $400.  So really she barely has enough money to live, let alone pay any living costs besides her car and cell phone.  Everything seems to be crashing down around me.  I have completely strapped myself money wise as well with her and her kids there.  She won’t be done, I try and try to tell her i’m through.  I even brought up my ex and my feelings hoping that would help her want to be gone, but she just said that she thinks that one day I will snap out of it and see how much i do love her.  I told her last night that this relationship has been very tough because i feel like my ex and she feels like me.  that I know how she feels.  Just wanting me to look at her or touch her that certain way.  Just to make her feel loved again.

I even told her how much I really felt for my ex.  How i would have done anything for her.  How proud I was to have her in my life.  and that i don’t understand why i’m like this now and why i can’t just walk away from my ex and move on and be done.  That maybe i need to be alone and make myself happy again…

She told me she doesn’t understand how i can feel that way.  I told her “look at you!”  ” how many times have I hurt you, or have you found out that I was talking to her and I tried to break up and you’re still here?”  I said, ” if you and i had a great relationship, like the first 3 months but for the whole year and then i was just done, up and left.  How would you handle it”  She tried to bullshit me, about her ex and how that was, but i told her that she told me that she didn’t think she loved him like she did me.

She is still there….  It’s like she is me with my ex!  I would have taken all of this in hopes that she would come around.  I would have stayed forever for just 10 minutes a week of bliss with her.  The sad part is I probably still would.

Now, she has a minor surgery tomorrow morning.  This shit never ends.

That’s why i was thinking about moving to my friends.  Or at least faking it?  Telling her that I can’t afford to live here anymore and that i am doing that to get her to leave as well.  If she has to move, maybe her family will step up?

Shit,  i gotta get back to work!  talk soon.  Thanks for your help and listening

It’s possible your ex may just be happier with herself now so that might also be why she seems more open with the guy she’s dating, too.

I never thought about that.  When we were together she was dealing with a lot of drama from day one in her life between her ex-husband, work, finances, and children.  Now, she had a different job that she loves, sold her home and is living at her boyfriends, both her kids are grown and gone, and since her kids are gone she is not dealing with her ex-husband anymore.  Also she lost all that weight that was giving her health issues.  So she can be happy with her life and focus on her lover now.  Before there was always something standing in the way.  I think that’s one of my bigger regrets, is not giving her the space she really needed when she did, instead i kept pushing and got super insecure and needy.  I know i can’t change the past, just frustrating knowing that if i could have really seen the big picture and stepped back for a bit that it may have been me and her now enjoying our lives together.  It’s hard to see her so happy with another man, while i’m suffering every day thinking about her.

i’m not having sex with her.  i’ve tried to get her to leave and she won’t.  I though if i told her that, then that would make her want to leave.  I never said i was perfect.   I’m screwed up in the head and heart.

Not good.  Thanks for asking.

Well, i’m trying not to complain and whine anymore.  I’ll just say this.

She can’t leave cause she has no money and her family won’t step up.  I can’t leave cause I have no money to move and if i did i wouldn’t be able to find a place big enough for me ( i have a lot of stuff.  full house, garage, shop and two sheds, let alone a RV, Full size truck, work truck and two more cars-I have a vw addiction. LOL).

I tried convincing her the other day that i can’t do this and she is still  in denial.

I have not moved into the RV yet.  I know I need to to make a point.

We have not had sex, she even asked me why.  I told her that I don’t want to lead her on.  She got upset and said, ” maybe I’ll find it somewhere else”   I told her “go ahead” .  yet she still doesn’t get it.  Then she brings up the kids and how much this will hurt them.  I tried telling her that stringing this along will only make things worse.

She is in total denial and when we do talk about  “being done”  it’s all about how she isn’t lovable and poor her type of talk.

It really tugs at my heartstrings and makes me want to try again one more time…

I’m not trying to be  a jerk, not trying to lead her on.  I feel so awful about all of this.  I feel stuck.  If i could afford it, I would leave. If i didn’t have my girls, I would move out and live in my RV at my friends house.  But that is no way to live with my girls.

I honestly think the only way for her to finally understand that i am done is to tell her straight out that I’m still in love with my ex.  Even though I know she is happy with another man whom she may have met before she left me.  It doesn’t change how I feel and if anything, this situation i’m in now pushes my feelings harder towards her(my ex).  That I feel miserable and this situation makes me miss what I had with her even more.

But, when we do talk and i say anything about needing to be alone or needing to focus on myself.  She just says, “I will wait, because someday you will realize what you have right here and then we will be happy”

It’s really freakin amazing how the universe works.  All this time that we talk and are together, it only makes me realize how much like her I was with my ex.  How pushy and needy I was and how that did push her away just like she (my current) is doing with me.  I’ve tried telling her that when she talks about a future together, i kind of freak out.  That that isn’t what I think about.

The money problem doesn’t help one bit either.  She is seriously super broke.  If it weren’t for me she would be homeless, and it’s causing me to go super broke as well.  An example is that she had to use her visa card to pay her cell phone bill this month.

I only have about $20 to my name until Friday, then after that i will only have about $200 to last me two weeks for gas and helping with food.  And my girls birthdays are coming up along with hers.

I’m not looking for pity or to feel sorry for.  I want to make that clear.

I’m just miserable and feel alone and selfish.  And again, feeling these things really paints a clear picture to what happened with me and my ex, which makes this situation even harder.  The difference is her(my ex) living in another town, it was easier for her just to end things instead of trying to work on them.  Even if she would have tried, i wouldn’t have changed because I never saw how I was and how it affected her until now.

finally, yes i still miss my ex more than i can express.  I still think about her every day, sometimes for more than half the day.  I cried again this weekend when i was at home depot.  It brought back a memory of when we were in our last month together, just after we got back together after our “break” .  I was down there and helped her replace her water heater.  I remembered everything from that weekend like it was yesterday.

I’ve found myself looking at other women.  not to meet or anything.  Just body types and how they dress or look.  Things that remind me of my ex.

Through all of this it has become painfully clear to me that I am severely screwed up and need help.  That i am in a position i can’t seem to get out of physically and mentally.

I know what i need to do.  I do need to move my shit into the RV and tell her that I am done, that i am not in place to be in a relationship with her or anyone for that matter.  That i need to just be able to focus on my and my girls.  That she can stay there until she can find  a place to go and I will help out however I can with her kids, but we are roommates and that is it.

Whenever i try to do this, i feel guilty and horrible and cave in tho.  I don’t know how to not give in when i see that hurt in her.  it makes me think ” i can do this”  but i can’t.  I know dragging things out makes it worse, but i keep thinking it will get better even tho I know it wont.

sometimes i really do think the only way to get it into her head is to tell her straight out that I’m still in love with my ex and that I don’t know if i ever will be able to love anyone else, that maybe i am destined to have loved once and be alone and that i don’t ever see me being able to give her(my current) what she needs from me.

i’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to go on and on.  i’ve been avoiding this forum like asked by anita until i can get this taken care of.