hello all , this is my first post. I don’t have anyone to talk to especially having experienced an awakening.

Here is my problem, it seems I have been asleep for some years now and just woke up last year. After waking up i had alot of realizations about this world and most especially my life.  last year was my best and worst year. So much pain and so much freedom and self awareness.

Here is the problem, i have always felt i married my soul mate and had a happy marriage although with some issues but with kids and all they were buried.

Last week while meditating a feeling of unhappiness that i have never really experienced before overcame me. The reality of the state of my marriage flashed before my eyes. We have always been the poster happy couple. I feel i have been trapped and i want out.

I realized i was simply a trophy wife and that was how other people saw me with him. Here is the kicker, due to societal brainwashing from my african culture i slowed down so he could be ahead of me. I pushed him to get his masters, pushed him to switch jobs, pushed him to apply for higher positions etc etc. I made sure we bought houses and improved and sold etc. Now I feel so used. So tired of pushing.

I am Bi and he know because i told of an experience  but he is against anything LGBT.  I realize i shouldn’t have gotten married to him but i had to leave my abusive mom and ran into marriage. I did love him at the time but not sexually attracted or in love. The last time we had sex i cried. I was not satisfied at all. He is enjoying sex with me because i am his dream girl or whatever.

We now have kids and i want my kids to learn mandarin and Spanish and Sign language and he could care less. I have to make sure we visit the opera , nature etc. All that is not even in his thinking. He just want to make money .

I want to go vegan and try to eat healthy but he keeps buying junk food.

He has no foresight, i want to pay of all the bills and build wealth. He wants to keeps working and paying every month. I have asked what if you loose your job or die. He says insurance will cover it and he will find another job.

I am at my wits end. Since paying attention to all our issues i have been so unhappy. I was the girl that told people I couldn’t be in an unhappy marriage now here i am.

On the positive side , he is a very caring father and adores me (which i hate  due the trophy wife issue), helps around the house etc.  I realize knowing what i do now i shouldn’t have gotten married …but we have 3 little girls.

We simply have different mindsets and this awakening brings it to light .

How do i work it out ?