Dear Tee,

I’m sorry for the late reply but I did not have an easy access to my WiFi recently. The line got cut off due to the recent storms and we still need to wait for the better connectivity.

How you’ve been, Tee? Any improvements?

Meanwhile I found out a bit more about that counselling place you asked me about. They are known to some of the associations that I visited recently. And the first person I spoke to was a nurse and the other was a counselor. They each had an assessment with me and they had the same opinions of what I confined to them. Then at the end of my session I spoke to a group of people and they seemed to know about the problems of all other participans as well. I’m guessing that they prefer to do things their way. I remember one person saying that you need to be honest with yourself where you made any mistakes and should not sugarcoat it like at many other institutions. Well, in my case it caused me even more anxiety as I regreted that I did not do things differently. So I concluded that it might help some to move on but not all.

Regarding the dog, I’m really thankful for all your advice. I contacted a vet but she is not a behaviourist so couldn’t help too much. Unfortunately we do not have a big choice here.

Then I asked at the shelter and they gave me the number of a dog sitter & a trainer. They told me that he is not easy to train as he has aggressive tendencies and his anxiety is too big. I’ve tried to leave him with her gradually but she wasn’t happy to continue as she could not touch him and he snaped at her. I don’t see any solution here.

You’re right Tee, there are a few things that I like doing and need to do more often. I neglected it for a long time. I could say that I enjoy listening to the music, painting and travelling.

What do you like doing in your free time?

I also wanted to ask you for your opinion. I’m not sure if you believe in dreams and that they mean something but I keep having the same dreams for a long time now. I see my ex fiancé in them. I keep waking up with regrets that I gave up on him so easily.

I think I mentioned him to you once. In short, a few years ago, I was engaged with a man with 2 kids, and his situation was a bit complicated. His ex-wife divorced him, but it seemed that they still weren’t financially divorced. He told me that his house is for his kids and when he dies also for his ex-wife. And if we want something together, I need to buy something new with him. His family also interfered a lot, and he always asked their opinion. He was a bit controlling at times but that showed me that he cares about me. Despite all of that, we had a lot in common, had the same beliefs, hobbies, etc. I felt good in his company.

He visited some of my family, but it was not enough for him & he insisted to also see how my mother lives. But my mother refused his coming and he blamed me for that saying that I should convince her. Then we stopped seeing eachother as my mother did not change her mind. She thinks till today that he only cared about his kids and would never marry me anyway.

Was my mother right about not inviting him? Was he bad news but I didn’t see it? Why those dreams keep torturing me?

Thank you Tee for all your kindness & understanding that you offered till now. I would be completely lost without you 😊

Big hug 🫂 and lots of love dear 😘

Dear Tee,

Thank you. I hope so too! The whole place was affected and many people and businesses were struggling as well.

Thankfully, I found a place I could use, and the owners were very kind to help.

I’m really happy to hear that you’re managing your health issues much better and don’t give up easily 🙌 and the activities you’re doing sound lovely too!

At the same time I feel really sorry that you can’t participate in the activities that you used to enjoy so much. I feel for you even more as I know how hard it must be. After my last COVID, it got even worst. I’m getting easily tired, out of breath, can’t exercise and no more activities that I used to love.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I was smiling when you mentioned the flower in my profile picture 😊 you got it right again. I did do a lot of artistic projects in the past and painting was one of my favourites. I used to sit in the nature a lot and just breath. You’re so right that it’s the best nourishment for the soul and we need to go out more often!</p>
Yes, it was a separate session but people seemed to share the information and it did not feel very private. The group wasn’t the patients but the health professionals. You found the right word for this kind of practice “tough love” and it wasn’t a very compassionate & understanding environment. It might be that they meant well and did not want people to feel like victims but the effect was completely different. It did not feel right at all and feelings seemed to be ignored and logic prevailed.

Tee, I will make sure to check the places you suggested for the tramatised animals. My mom’s dog is a COVID baby as she got him around that time. She rescued him and had to pay a lot of money as the place did not want to keep him due to his appearance. He had a squint and was very shy. Nobody wanted him but my mother showed her loving heart and took him. My mother did not give him the proper training as most places were closed during the COVID and he stayed at home most of the time. She did a very beautiful thing but now as he got older it got harder as well.

Oh yes, Tee, that’s the man I am talking about. Please don’t feel bad about being suspicious because it really seems that he had some hidden motives. To be fair to my mother, yes, she did meet him and his kids in person. She stayed at his house (he bought it on mortgage). His ex wife did not contribute anything (his own words). But he said it is better to give the house to the mother of his kids than to any new woman/wife in his life. He also told me that his ex mentioned that she will make sure that no new woman in his life will get anything from him. So they both still have the same rights to the house. That’s why they did not separate financially.

It might be that the divorce was never finalised. He never showed to me the final document although I asked many times. Apparently it got lost somewhere or his ex forgot to send it to him. He got angry and shut me down easily. This could be one option or his ex wife did not want to give up her half or she had no money to buy the half from him. Which one is most realistic?

So my mother stayed for 2 weeks in his house to cook, clean as the kids were small and he could not do much (he did not want to pay for baby sitter or any help). My mother did it for free.

And yes, him and his family (3 sisters) were ultra materialistic and let’s say stingy with money and emotions. But all 3 of them are married to the good, kind and rich men who they really like to boss around and control. But when it came to my fiancé, they controlled his every decision and all decisions I made had to have some benefit to him or his kids. He also did not have a good job and struggled financially when I first met him.

Other than that, he controlled me when I wanted to go out with my girlfriends. He always suspected that I might meet some man better than him. He also told me that he pushed his ex-wife on the coach and she called police 2 times on him. It might be more than he was saying to me. But he blamed her for everything. The official version was that she left the house when he was at work and filed for divorce. He took her passport so she could not leave the country with kids. He never wanted the divorce and convinced her to stay.

They also told me that she had another man before and married my fiancé only for his passport (their marriage was arranged by their parents).

He always spoke about rich people highly and told his kids that poor people have no value in this life. We had some arguments about it but I did not want to play their mother to teach them what is really important in life.

And on top of that he had an obsession about the property and houses. Always wanted to visit people and see how they live and asked if they only rent or own them. I found it strange but thought that it is because his family wasn’t rich.

He saw how my family lived (even my father’s place) as my uncle used to live not far from his place. But it was not enough. My family was curious why there are still no wedding plans but he said it is complicated.

So in the end he said that he can’t marry me civilly but only religiously + common law agreement (cohabitation agreement). He wanted that I sign a document that I give up rights to his house. So basically have no rights at all to anything. I considered signing it as I believed that love will conquer it all but I felt that it could have been a mistake of my life.

After that he told me that if we want to continue our relationship, he wants to visit my mother’s place. I asked him why? If he wanted to see her, she could come over to his place. His version was that he wants to see where she lives, maybe she hides something, that it is not normal to prevent him from coming and she will ruin it for us etc. My mother refused after hearing his conditions and refusal of getting married civilly.

She thinks that religious marriage is not enough nowadays and giving up my rights as a wife is an insult to her and to me. She also asked around and some advisors told her that he was pushing to see her place to make sure that I have a place to go in case of our break up. It would be like an insurance policy for him so I don’t stay at his house. Is that possible? Normally all those conditions are stated in the agreement.

Then he told me that I can’t visit him at his house either until she accepts him in her home. So that was the end of us…

What do you think Tee? Was I right to stop all the contact with him after all that? I still wrote with his daughter but it seems now that she is distancing herself from me as well. What would you do in my place?

The dream is quite a mystery and I don’t really know what the higher power is trying to tell me. Maybe it is a regret? Maybe guilt? Maybe fear that I won’t find anyone better?

Tee, can you please help me to solve it bit by bit? 🕵️‍♀️

Thank you for listening, Tee and for caring to figure this all out! ❤️🙏🤗

Lot’s of love to you and praying for the encouragement on your path to healing 🌹🙏

Dear Dafne,

I was thinking about his deal to leave the house to his ex-wife and children. Perhaps that’s not so unfair, because she is the mother of his children and takes care of them, so it would be unfair to take it from underneath her once the children are grown. So that part of the deal might not be unfair.

But nevertheless, he doesn’t seem like a good man in general, and I think you can be happy that the relationship ended.

Dear Dafne,

good to hear from you! I am doing so-so health-wise, which does impact my mood. But it’s okay, what else to do but keep on keeping on…  🙂

I hope I gave you now a little bit of a clearer picture of this complicated situation. It is still emotionally hunting me.

Thank you for clarifying, and yes, it’s a complicated situation. But perhaps I can answer one of your questions right off the bat:

Would you ever accept living with a man in such a partnership (situationshp) or the whole live-in proposal was bad news?

No, I wouldn’t agree to plan my life with a man who isn’t divorced, and there is no timetable of him getting divorced either. And who gets angry with me when I ask about his actual legal status:

It might be that the divorce was never finalised. He never showed to me the final document although I asked many times. Apparently it got lost somewhere or his ex forgot to send it to him. He got angry and shut me down easily.

So he was hiding from you that he isn’t actually divorced. If he had gotten divorced, he too would have received the final divorce papers, not just his ex-wife. So he was messing with you, not telling you the truth, and then using anger to shut you down, so you would stop inquiring. That’s a big red flag. Just on that account, it’s better you didn’t continue the relationship with him – since he was willing to lie about such an important thing.

He also told you that his ex-wife didn’t contribute anything towards the house, i.e. that he was paying off the loan by himself (His ex wife did not contribute anything (his own words)). However, she was not living in that house, and was actually renting a place, where she was living with their children (she started renting a place not too far away from him.)

So perhaps they’ve made a deal that he should be paying off the loan on the house, while she is paying for her rent. In which case he cannot claim that she “didn’t contribute anything.” And it is only fair that she is half owner of the house (they both still have the same rights to the house.)

He might have led you to believe that she is financially using him and is unfair with him (He also told me that his ex mentioned that she will make sure that no new woman in his life will get anything from him.), but that he is nevertheless a generous person and will leave the house to her and the children. When in fact she might be paying for her half of the house indirectly – by paying the rent for the accommodation where she is living with their children.

And they probably made such a deal that he cannot sell his half without her approval. I don’t know what would happen in case of his death – provided that they are not legally divorced but only separated. But it could even be that his half of the house would go half to his ex and half to his children. If so, then in case of his death she would get 3/4 of the house, and the children 1/4.

In any case, I can imagine that she ensured that he cannot sell his half of the house, i.e. that he cannot take the family home from underneath her and the children. In that sense, no new woman would get any part of their house (no new woman in his life will get anything from him). Which I think is fair.

It doesn’t even mean that he is such a generous father, but that his ex-wife made him accept such a deal, for the benefit of the children (and her as well).

On the other hand, he didn’t want his wife to leave the country and take the children, so in that sense, it might mean that he really cares about his children.

Your mother had 2 objections about him, due to which she didn’t want you to marry him:

She thinks till today that he only cared about his kids and would never marry me anyway.

Her first “accusation” of him is actually a positive trait: that he cares about his kids. It could be that it was actually his ex-wife who forced him (e.g. by signing such a contract) to make sure that she and the children are taken care of in terms of the living situation. In any case, I still don’t think that it was a weakness that he “only cared about his kids”.

Your mother’s second objection (that he would never marry you) is a justified one, especially since there wasn’t a timetable for their divorce, so it might have been for an unspecified time. Another problem is that he wasn’t upfront about it – he didn’t want to talk about his divorce and would get angry when you asked.

He wanted you to sign a cohabitation agreement and in it, give up the right to his house. Which in itself wouldn’t be such a big problem. But what are you getting, i.e. how would you (and your possible common children) be protected with only the cohabitation agreement in place?

I am not familiar with cohabitation agreements and all that legal stuff, but it seems unfair for him to protect his first wife and children maximally, to the point of not even legally divorcing her, and then have almost like a second-class, lower-rank relationship with you, in which you don’t get the same status and the same rights as his ex-wife. In which you are demoted to a “cohabitation partner” indefinitely.

Maybe I am wrong because I don’t know what the cohabitation agreement entails (maybe it does protect common children?). But since he was hiding the facts about his divorce, it is likely that you wouldn’t have the same rights as his ex-wife.

So in that sense, I think your mother was right when she discouraged you from marrying him. As I said, simply the fact that he was hiding important details about his divorce is enough of a red flag for me.

In terms of your fear that you would be used as a servant to him and his children, perhaps there wasn’t an immediate danger of that, since you said that the children only spent every second weekend at his place.

I helped him to look after his small kids (they stayed with him every 2 weeks).

They used to have an arrangement where his kids stayed at his house every 2 weekend. So they shared the custody. Then just before our brake up, she moved closer to him and the kids stayed more often at his.

Originally, the children stayed at his place every 2nd weekend, which doesn’t seem like such a big burden. But then they did move closer to him and started spending more time with him, and he might have thought it would be convenient to have someone to take care of them. But it didn’t seem like his main motivation from the start, since originally the kids spent only 2 days in a fortnight with him.

I’m telling myself that if he really cared about me, he would never break off the engagement because of my mother’s refusal. What difference did it make? He would try to make it work somehow because he could not stand the thought of losing me. Well, at least that’s what I would do in the same situation.

He insisted to see your mother’s place – perhaps to see what kind of real estate you have and maybe to be sure that in case of separation, you do have a place to stay (what some advisors suggested as a possible explanation of his interest in your mother’s house). Perhaps he needed it to be able to jot down the cohabitation agreement? Like, this is yours, and this is mine – and it shall not be mixed. I don’t know.

Or perhaps he didn’t like that your mother is opposing your relationship – since he wasn’t willing to legally marry you – and he didn’t want to have that kind of family situation. Since you said he is quite close to his family and was frequently consulting with his sisters. I can imagine his family helped him with the loan for his house too, since you said he was unemployed when you two met.

Anyway, I don’t know his motivations to insist on seeing your mother’s house, but he was certainly much more pragmatic and practical in his approach, rather than idealistic:

He would try to make it work somehow because he could not stand the thought of losing me.

Even if he might have liked you, the practical circumstances were very important to him, so for him, it wasn’t true that “love conquers all.”

This situation made me think of my parents. My fiancé was at least trying to protect his children and their mother. My father did the opposite. He did the same arrangement but to protect his young ex wife and her daughter after his death. And she doesn’t even care about him.

Yes, your fiance did what was right in terms of protecting his children and their mother. Your mother didn’t appreciate that aspect of him, but as I said, it’s a positive trait.

Your father unfortunately didn’t possess that trait, and your mother didn’t manage to stand up for herself and force him to ensure some kind of financial support for you and herself – if he already abandoned you physically (and emotionally).

It seems that his second wife was more demanding and managed to ensure a house for herself and her daughter. So she stood up for herself. Because I can imagine that your father wouldn’t have given her much, if it was up to him.

It is interesting that your mother still requires you to be kind to your father, although he never treated either you or her kindly. He was and is mean to you. But your mother is defending him and is his enabler. And she didn’t recognize that your fiance possessed one quality that your father didn’t possess: willingness to do his duty and take care of his children.

It doesn’t mean that your fiance was super generous – perhaps it was the ex-wife who forced him to do what is right. But nevertheless, he didn’t shy away from responsibility. Still, the question is how he would have treated you and your possible common children, in a situation where he is already burdened by a mortgage and will be for a foreseeable future.

Last time I spoke with my father’s ex, she told me that she is paying for the house (she still lives there and visits now and then) and doesn’t know what nonsense my dadd told me (her words). My father told me that they both contribute 50/50. They both tell me 2 different versions.

They might be paying 50/50 for the house, so that part might be true.

Also her daughter can come and go as she pleases but there was not even a room for me and I always had to announce my visit and stay on their terms (no key either). I never felt that I’m visiting a father. I’m trying to let all those negative thoughts go as much as I can. I pray and let it with God but it still hurts.

Well, that house is their common property, and probably his ex is very careful not to have anyone “occupy” it and lay claim on it. It would be nice that you can visit and stay the night whenever you want, without needing her approval, but she is the owner too and she wants to be consulted.

So I kind of understand her (cold) stance, but I also know it hurts you to need to ask for permission to stay with your dad. You are treated like a guest, because unfortunately that’s not your house, even if it is your dad’s house in half.

And I know it’s not a good feeling. Your father didn’t care about ensuring a home for you, and your mother wasn’t strong enough to make him fulfill his responsibilities (has she ever claimed any financial support from him while you were a child?). And so now you are a guest in his house, unfortunately.

Tee, do you see the pattern here? Is there anything I can do to stop attracting same people and situations into my life (that are the reflection of my father)? They say that the history likes to repeat itself and that our life depends on the frequencies we send to the Universe. Are you familiar with that concept?

Yes, I am familiar with the “Law of Attraction”. I don’t know about frequencies, but yes, we are attracted to people who remind us of our parents, because we want to get love and validation from them – from someone who reminds us of our neglectful or abusive parent. Our inner child is still longing for that love and validation, and so we look for people who are similar to our parents.

Is there anything I can do to stop attracting same people and situations into my life (that are the reflection of my father)?

You can do a lot to stop being attracted to selfish men, by being more respectful of your own needs and wants. Respecting yourself more. Not settling for breadcrumbs.

I don’t know selfish your fiance was, but the fact that he wanted to keep you in a cohabitation relationship for an indefinite time and possibly never marry you isn’t a good sign. Also the fact that he said his wife didn’t contribute anything to his house when in fact she was probably paying for the apartment she and the children were staying at – tells me he is lying and being dishonest.

Whenever you feel that the person is hiding things from you – important things that you should know about and that can impact your future – you don’t need to accept it. Demanding truth and transparency is also a part of self-respect and taking care of your needs. You don’t want to settle for a guy who is hiding key information and then gets angry when you want to know the truth.

Tee, what do you think? Would you try contacting him again and see how his life goes? Or it is a waste of time and it might do more harm?

No, I don’t think you should contact him, because he wasn’t honest with you, he was hiding important information from you. So no, please don’t contact him, because that would mean lacking self-respect and agreeing to accept an uncertain, unfavorable living situation, and a dishonest guy who might not have your best interests in mind.

I stopped doing most of my projects after the break up. I just couldn’t find the same energy and inspiration as before. I used to spend a lot of time with him and his kids in the nature and now it doesn’t feel the same.

Oh so the breakup has to do with it? I guess you lost enthusiasm and fell into a kind of depression? I do hope you can start nurturing yourself again and doing things that bring you joy and aliveness. Because that’s so important for your healing!

The problem is that if she gets angry or realises that I want to move out, she starts blackmailing me. It’s just the way you described it. She starts guilty trips or memory flashbacks. I think she is able to give him away when the need arises to make her point and she might harm herself too. I just don’t trust her judgment when she drinks.

How does she behave when she drinks? Aggressive? Or she falls asleep and “switches off”?

As I said, if she starts blackmailing you, you can tell her that you’ll need to report her to the GP because she might be dangerous to herself or the dog, especially since she has a drinking problem. So you blackmail her right back.

But please don’t fall for her blackmails – I still think those are just empty words!

Lots of love and strength and determination to you, dear Dafne! <3