Dear Roberta,

Thank you for sharing your story.

I can understand how challenging it can be for you. Hopefully you will achieve your dream one day. I admire your spiritual choice.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Have you been married before? Any children?</p>
To be honest with you, I do not even imagine having a child without a partner. I know how hard the life is for a single mom. Also it doesn’t feel natural and right to me. I would prefer a normal family.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I’m not sure what Buddhist teachings say about it. Are some people predestined to fail in life or redeem other people’s sins? Why some people have it so much harder than others?</p>
Have a good day,

Kind regards,

Dafne

Dear Dafne,

thank you for your prayers and your kind words.

I must be honest, dear Dafne, it pains me that you’re still hoping to get love from this man, after he told you repeatedly that he is only interested in sex. Not only in any sex, but in wild sex. And he was explicit in telling you what he would have liked you did to him – as if you were a call girl.

Instead of seeing you like a person, he sees you as just some woman to satisfy his lust with. Instead of asking you how you are, he reaches for your décolleté. I cringe when I think about it. And you should too. Because that’s not what you want, do you? You told me you want exactly the opposite.

To his defense, he didn’t reach out because he knew his stance would hurt you (He explained that he decided to not reply as he did not want to hurt me.). He stopped trying to persuade you into being a sex object for him. So he let you go. But unfortunately, you can’t let him go, even if he didn’t give you a single reason to keep pursuing him.

I know why you can’t let him go – because you believe he might come around some day. But it’s like looking for diamonds in a pile of garbage. What’s the probability you’ll find it there? Zero.

So you’d need to stop looking for your dream man in him, or men similar to him.

Is he really devasted so much by his divorce and can’t find a way to deal with that? How can I help him? Is it the right moment to try to be just a friend for him?

Perhaps he is devastated, but he isn’t looking for emotional consolation. What he is looking for is sex. He isn’t looking to talk to you either. He didn’t tell you how he feels, or what lead to his divorce. You don’t know anything about his supposed suffering, because he isn’t willing to share it with you. So how can you be friends with him?

You don’t need to help him because he doesn’t need your help. He only wants your help in relieving his sexual frustration.

I’ve heard so many stories, where women started friendships with recently divorced men (even after refusing sex) and after a while they ended up together happily. It took some time but it was worth it. Could this apply to my situation?

No, I am afraid it can’t. Because this guy doesn’t want friendship with you. He doesn’t want to confide in you, to share his feelings with you. When you asked him whether you are similar to his ex wife, he showed you some photos and videos of her. But it made him upset and he told you he doesn’t want to go to yoga or any activity with you, not even a walk with you. He only wants to meet you at his place:

His hands were shaking, started to smoke and said he doesn’t feel like going out, talking, doing things together, no yoga, no walks. He just wants to be there for his son but is open to meet me without going out.

Which means he doesn’t want to talk about his past, his emotions, his struggles…. If he doesn’t even want to have a walk with you, that shows how talk and emotional connection mean nothing to him. And if you expect to get it from him, it’s really like looking for diamonds in a pile of garbage (sorry for being blunt again).

My friend told me to tell him that I do not want to loose him completely or let him suffer in silence. She adviced to stay close but only as friend (no kiss, no touch etc.).

Dear Dafne, how do you stay close to this guy if he doesn’t want to talk to you about anything substantial? The only way to stay close to him is to agree to have sex with him. There are no other options, I am afraid.

I am sorry you’re suffering so much, Dafne, and that this longing for a man is ruining your health too. But being with this man and agreeing to his conditions would ruin you even more. It would break your heart.

So please don’t put yourself in a situation where there is a 100% chance of your heart being broken. Instead, try to focus on your healing, on filling the void in your heart that was created by your father’s coldness and absence. And then you’ll be able to attract the man who truly loves you and respects you.

Dear Dafne,

I am feeling a bit better, thank you <3

Thank you for taking time to reply to my message. I might be too emotional to see the things the way you do. It feels like something is pushing me towards him to help him in his struggle. I just can’t let him go…

I understand the strong longing, Dafne, I really do. I’ve experienced it myself in the past. It’s when we believe that without a particular man (or without a man in general) we will never be happy and fulfilled. It creates a strong longing and desire, which clouds our judgment. The desire is so strong that we cannot think straight. And so we might be craving for unavailable or unsuitable guys, who will never make us happy, who will only cause us trouble.

You said earlier:

I always longed for a loving father and a loving husband eventually. To be honest this feeling was so strong that I can’t live my life fully and it also affects my health badly.

This is the strong longing and desire that I am talking about. It is so strong that it’s ruining your health. And it is also causing you to pine for this guy, who is not really a good prospect. Who can’t give you what you’re looking for. But the loneliness and the unmet childhood needs make you feel strongly for this guy and get attached to him, against your better judgment. That’s why you can’t let him go.

I even spoke with one of our priests as he asked me again if I already found someone to spend my life with. I explained the situation and he adviced me to give it a last shot.

Did you explain that he so far has only expressed interested in sex? Honestly, I don’t think that a good priest would encourage chasing after such a guy. Maybe you only told him that he is suffering after his divorce, but haven’t explicitly mentioned his requirements on you?

He said that I can choose to never contact him again or I can give him a last chance and call him asking to meet just as friends. I should try to call him few times and if he doesn’t answer, to delete him from my life forever. No looking back…

Well, you could of course call and try to get him to meet in public. You have tried that already, and it didn’t work. But sure, you can try once again.

I took your advice about the healing to my heart, and I will do my best to try it and not give up on my life just yet. I do not have many reasons to stay on this Earth if not for the elderly I want to help.

I hear your pain, Dafne. I understand you feel you don’t have much to live for. However, that’s flawed thinking. It is caused by the same strong longing and desire that causes you to get sick without a man. It is when you are hung up on some guy to give you purpose and meaning in life. The purpose and meaning is within you, and you need to dig it out. That will be a part of your healing.

Once you “fill your own cup” and start loving yourself, you won’t be so desperate for a guy. And then, just like magic, you will be able to attract a good, decent man. But not from a place of desperation, but from a place of loving and appreciating yourself.

So yes, please start working on healing your heart. There are many free resources on the net. Anna Runkle is one such resource.

You are so precious and valuable, Dafne! There is so much goodness and talent in you. You haven’t been told that in the past, and that’s what made you wither a bit and start thinking less of yourself. But it’s time to heal that wound and return to your full, beautiful self!

Dear Tee,

I hope you are feeling much better these days.

I am happy to read your message. Thank you for your comforting words! 🙏

Yes, this longing affects my life in so many ways and I’m not coping with it that well.

The priest did not encourage chasing him but he told me that everything is possible. I told him about his bad behaviour and the sex bit too as it gave him more clarity. The priest said that this man is not himself and may even behave irrationally or promiscuous. Sometimes it is a part of his grieving process and sometimes his heart will never heal. He might be a good man but in a bad place in his life now.

Normally he doesn’t approve women to go after divorced men as they are still healing, having feelings to their ex or in the worst case not divorced at all (only legally separated).

In my case, he thinks it is too late for us because I told him what I want. At the beginning I should not reveal that I am looking for something serious (dates, affection, feelings etc.). This scares away most men (especially after divorce). He would come back to me at some point and ask me out himself. So he believes it is more about the male psychology.

Tee, what do you think of that?

I also might have pushed him away by the constant demands to go out with him. Maybe I should have let him go after the 1 date and wait for him to contact me first. It seems like men want what they can’t have.

Isn’t it ironic?

This subject is so complex and men seem to have a completely different perspective than us.

I’m looking forward to your message.

Have a lovely day Tee! 🤗💝🌷

Warm greetings 🌼

Dafne

Dear Dafne,

I am feeling slightly better, but my healing is very slow and will take time. But I hope I will heal eventually, even if it takes a long time.

The priest did not encourage chasing him but he told me that everything is possible. I told him about his bad behaviour and the sex bit too as it gave him more clarity. The priest said that this man is not himself and may even behave irrationally or promiscuous. Sometimes it is a part of his grieving process and sometimes his heart will never heal. He might be a good man but in a bad place in his life now.

Normally he doesn’t approve women to go after divorced men as they are still healing, having feelings to their ex or in the worst case not divorced at all (only legally separated).

This is a valid point. If the guy is “not himself” and behaving irrationally and promiscuously, would you want to be with him? If he is a good guy (in theory) and his heart will eventually heal, then you better wait till he heals and shows you he is a good guy. Because right now, he behaves very selfishly: he only wants to use you for sex, he doesn’t want to go on dates and get to know you, and his attitude is humiliating (e.g. he has expectations that you should please him sexually and that’s the only thing he talks about).

You should take the guy as he is, not as you want him to be. His behavior right now is pretty abhorrent. That’s the only thing that matters. All the rest is blind hope and wishful thinking.

In my case, he thinks it is too late for us because I told him what I want. At the beginning I should not reveal that I am looking for something serious (dates, affection, feelings etc.). This scares away most men (especially after divorce). He would come back to me at some point and ask me out himself. So he believes it is more about the male psychology.

I don’t agree with him on this one. Is expecting to go on a date with a guy before jumping into bed with him too much to expect? Is it too serious? Too much of a burden for the guy?

Well, that’s not male psychology in general, but how chauvinist males think.

He would come back to me at some point and ask me out himself

He still can, if he decides he wants a normal relationship, not your sexual services. You don’t want him as he is now. If he changes some day and heals (presuming he is “not himself” at the moment), he has your number.

I also might have pushed him away by the constant demands to go out with him. Maybe I should have let him go after the 1 date and wait for him to contact me first. It seems like men want what they can’t have.

He realized he can’t have what he wants (sex without a relationship), that’s why he didn’t reach out. Even if you haven’t messaged him, he wouldn’t have reached out, because he realized you’re not going to give him what he wants.

There is only one way he would be interested in you: if you agreed to have sex with him. No other “tricks” would have made him interested.

Dear Dafne,

sorry to hear you’ve got flu 🙁 Wish you a speedy recovery!

I am fine more or less, able to manage my health issues at the moment, so it’s okay.

I am glad you’ve decided to let that man go. And also, that you agree that it’s a waste of time to try to change the man and wait for him to become the person we want them to be.

That’s very true. It is not too much to ask but for some reason, men decide not to and go the easy way. Also why is it that the same guy treats one woman like a queen and the other like dirt. And ironically the one who is treating him well gets the bad treatment in return. Why is that?

I think only a lousy guy treats a woman like dirt. There are also guys who treat a woman like a queen in the beginning, but later start devaluing and disrespecting them. Narcissistic people typically do that: first they love bomb you, and then, once you get caught in their web, they start mistreating you and basically, treating you like dirt.

Also, some people (not only men, but women too) are very selfish – they are all about their own needs and wants. They don’t care about their partner. If the partner allows it, they will treat them with no respect and no consideration for their needs. If the woman doesn’t respect herself enough, she will stay in such a humiliating relationship, whereas another woman wouldn’t stay because she respects herself more.

Actually the Internet is full of advice for women like: be hard to get, not talking about our intentions early on, never chase, never call first, be easy going, do not question him too much. It is all about not scaring him away.

Yeah, I don’t like such advice, because it’s all about playing games and trying to trick the guy, instead of being honest and authentic. I think it’s aimed at women who are insecure and feel bad about themselves, so they are afraid to be authentic. Because they fear there is something wrong with them.

They say that it is in man’s nature to chase the woman and she should ‘lean back’ and wait. I’m not sure what kind of men will be attracted by that approach nowadays (potentially players that like the game of chasing).

There is some truth in it in the sense that if the guy is interested, he will show it to you. He won’t avoid you, ghost you, not contact you. So if the guy isn’t interested, or he stops being interested after you told him what you want from a relationship, then there is no point in chasing him. If he were interested, he wouldn’t need to be chased.

The goal is to behave as naturally as possible, rather than play games, because you want a relationship where you can be yourself, and not have to pretend and play games all the time. If you pretend to be someone you’re not, it will attract wrong people and it can’t be good for the relationship on the long run. So it’s better if you are honest, even if it takes more time to find the proper guy.

What you can work on is to gain more self-confidence and self-respect. That will enable you to be more authentic and less afraid of expressing your true self. And authenticity is a precondition for a healthy long-term relationship.

So my advice is: less games and more authenticity. If you don’t like some features of your current self, you can work on improving yourself, on valuing yourself more. That will make you feel better about yourself and even be more attractive to men too. Because yes, men are attracted to women who are confident and who respect themselves.

I mean, good men won’t feel endangered by your self-confidence. They will cherish it. Whereas bad men will feel threatened by your self-confidence and will try to put you down. Or they will seek weak women, with no self-confidence, whom they will try to exploit.

So no matter how you look at it, you would need to develop self-confidence, self-love and self-respect. That’s the only sure way to find a good, decent man. Without those main qualities, you’ll be attracting unsuitable men, who won’t appreciate you.

More and more relationships start now with sex or having kids first and then getting to know the person.

That’s very unfortunate: to have a child with someone you hardly know and who is a bad match. It’s not good for the child either. I think it’s a bad model and not something to follow.

My friend adviced to travel to another country like Ireland, Iran, India, Turkey, Middle East even but it is not possible for me at the moment.

Do you think it is a good idea? Could those countries be a better choice for old school women to find old soul men?

I wouldn’t go to Middle East to find a good man, because those countries aren’t really famous for women’s rights. If you want to be respected as a woman, don’t go to places where women are seen as inferior.

How about trying Christian dating sites? I’ve just googled it, there is a plenty of such websites. You are a religious person, right? Maybe you can join some voluntary activities organized by your Church, and see if there are decent men there? I mean, being religious isn’t a guarantee that someone is a decent man, but still, perhaps he wouldn’t be all about sex but would show more respect?

Hi Aila!

I had a similar experience recently. I met a woman a few months ago. She was four months separated from her husband and was starting the divorce process. She didn’t want any kind of relationship, but we started going out.

We used to spend hours talking on the phone, messaging all day and everyday. We were really into each other. She was even saying that she was willing to see how good as a father I could be for her two teenager girls.

One weekend, one of her daughters had a kidney crisis and had to go to the hospital. We had a whole Saturday planned together and we could not make it. All this situation made us very upset. We could not see each other and her daughter was ill.

She spent the Sunday after all thinking about what happened and how our “relationship” was going to and decided to break up. Saying we couldn’t see each other anymore, and that she didn’t want to hurt me (ended up doing it anyway). She also mentioned that I could do a lot more for her than she could to for me and that was being unfair.

It was a hard hit for me to take. I have been divorced for one year. My ex-wife suffered from depression and anxiety, tried to commit suicide twice while we were married and left me for another guy she met at one of the clinics she was under treatment.

When I met this woman and we got along so well and so fast, I had a hope that had found someone that shared the same values as I, and we could have had a great future together, if I could have made it work. But also according to her words, she was not ready for a relationship right now and parting ways would be the best thing for both of us.

I don’t know if saying this will help you someway but, you are not alone in this kind of situation. Unfortunately we met a good person at a bad time and that’s too bad.