Dear Anita,

Thank you for your quick reply – faster than a rocket! Much appreciated!

” You wrote today, Aug 20, 2025: “There is only one thing I still don’t understand. He never asked me for money and never mentioned that I should pay for the house. He seemed to be happy in the role of a traditional provider. On Dec 29, 2024, the first time you shared about him, you wrote: “He told me that he was taken advantage of in his past and doesn’t want it to happen again. Now he expects reciprocation with everything he does.” He told you right from the beginning that he expects financial reciprocation “with everything he does.” That’s not him being “happy in the role of a traditional provider”

It was about women he knew before who wanted favors from him – not financial, but things like using his parking space for a year or asking him for constant help. When he asked them for something in return, even in small ways, they never reciprocated. Eventually, they lost contact because of that. He felt used. So he did not mind paying for dates with me as long as he felt appreciated. I always thanked him with a gift for his birthday or Christmas. And whenever he gave me a small gift on a date, I liked to return the gesture with a homemade cake or some other treat. I felt that was the least I could do to say thank you. I know that many modern women wouldn’t do that, believing that just being there should be enough for him. But I felt it wasn’t. Did what I’ve just described help clarify a few things for you, Anita?

” Continued, Dec 29: “I replied that… I don’t want a 50/50 style.’ Today, you shared: “He never asked me for money”- I’m guessing that he didn’t ask you for money because you told him last year that you don’t want a 50/50 style—and because both you and your mother expressed (valid) distrust in his financial and business talk due to his lack of transparency.”

Yes, indeed, that was later on. Before, we never spoke about it, and he at least acted as a provider. I mentioned 50/50 only because he gave me that example from my reply above about the reciprocity in relationships. Apparently, he did not want to be taken advantage of again. I’m also starting to think that maybe it did not have to do with finances, or at least not directly. Perhaps he didn’t want to be vulgar, but he was expecting a kind of physical intimacy that he did not get. In the beginning, he accepted that because he knew about my values. But maybe over time, he began to feel that this wasn’t enough for him. Could it be?

‘ You asked: “Do you think he planned to wait till we move in together and then start his demands?”- Yes, I think so. His lack of transparency itself is the big red flag. It’s not something you caused—it’s the way he is.’

Yes, Anita, the lack of transparency in answering questions (even after many weeks) was definitely a big red flag. And the turning it around by saying that my asking questions showed a lack of trust in him only made it worse.’

“The occasion on the motorway revealed his true colors… he did not call or check in to ask about us, not even knowing if I’m alive or not… I decided to never contact him again.”- A wise decision, Dafne.

I’m glad that, thanks to your help and further investigation, I could make that decision and let go of my doubts. Thank you.

“They always ask what I’m looking for at this stage of my life, but I don’t know what the best answer is. What is your opinion on that, Anita?… Would you say something else?” If I were in your place, Dafne, I would say that I’m looking for a relationship of transparency and integrity—to say what we mean, to mean what we say, and to follow our words with actions that match. And when we make mistakes (occasionally, not as part of a pattern of deception)—to talk about it honestly and respectfully.’

That’s a very beautiful reply, Anita. I just hope that whoever I use it with will truly appreciate it – and, as you always say, turn it into action, not words 😊

” You asked today: “How can I stop feeling guilty? What helped you, Anita, when you decided to break out of that prison cell with your mother? ” I was like you, Dafne. I grew up—or as I prefer to say, grew-in—with no way to express myself freely either. I too had to be quiet. Only I didn’t have a room to hide in. The conflicts with my mother, and her conflicts with others, dominated my space. I had no space of my own, except for daydreaming when she wasn’t home. As a result, I instinctively tried to disappear—erasing my own needs and feelings so thoroughly that I no longer knew what I needed, wanted, or felt. Or better said: I didn’t trust my feelings to reflect reality. And even worse, I felt guilty for hurting my mother—because she guilt-tripped me mercilessly and repeatedly.’
How did I break out of the prison cell of self-alienation—where I didn’t trust my feelings, didn’t know what I needed or wanted, and carried invalid guilt? By taking up space. By expressing myself. By holding my mother accountable for the wrongs she committed against me. By releasing the shame and guilt the child within me held. By freeing her.
And Dafne, you are already doing this. Every time you name what didn’t feel right, every time you question the story you were handed, every time you choose not to contact someone who showed you disregard—you are taking up space. You are protecting the child within you. You are not failing to cope; you are learning to live in a way that honors your truth. That is not a weakness. That is healing.’

That’s truly a great way to describe taking up space and having a voice – that’s exactly what we need right now.
They failed us Anita, they failed us big time. Whether it was conscious or unconscious, it caused the same kind of pain and had lifelong consequences for us. They may be sorry now, or not. But it’s too late. Even if we forgive them, even if we forget, nothing will change, and nothing will ever fill that void inside us. Every time we see happy families, every time we rejoice for them, something deep down will never be made whole. A piece of us was taken, and no matter how much love we find, that missing piece will never return. It is an absence we carry, a silence that echoes through our lives, reminding us of what should have been, but never was.
Let’s find the strength to hold onto that and take up our space. Let’s not let our emotions take control anymore, failing us every time a new person comes to take another piece away.

Thank you for being here Anita xx
With warmth and gratitude
Dafne

Dear Anita,

I was confused by this as well, because it felt as if the appreciation wasn’t freely given, but somehow expected from me. And that left me torn — because true gratitude should come from the heart, not from pressure or obligation.

So, in the, I think he brought that up because he had expectations he couldn’t or wanted to express more clearly for reasons known only to him. My guess is that those expectations weren’t met — and perhaps what he was really hoping for was physical intimacy or some other form of reciprocity. Maybe he realised that he could get the financial benefits after moving in, so he was careful not to mention it and scare me away. We will never know for sure.

So, once I made it clear again that I wouldn’t move in with him before an engagement, a wedding date, and marriage, he showed real disappointment.

He wanted the easy way out. Probably someone to cook for him (he doesn’t know how), keep the house in order, and make things comfortable. Perhaps what he was really looking for was convenience, a live-in relationship and not too much commitment in the beginning.

The only sure thing we know is that he could find stable work if he really wanted, a better future for both of us. That he could be more transparent and not string me along for months. He could have, but instead he chose the road of deception, and this story came to an end.

Please let me know if there is anything you wish to add or ask me. And do you agree with some of my reflections above?

Thank you Anita for appreciating me, hearing out my story and letting me be.

Thank you for everything you’ve done. I hope by sharing and emphatising with eachother we will find the peace and harmony we crave for 💕

Big hug for all your time and care 🤗

Dear Anita,

Yes, you’re absolutely right—it has been far too too much emotional labor. I feel like endlessly working in a field, giving all my energy, yet never harvesting peace.

And I know you’re perfectly right about it. My hope is that when someone truly comes into my life, I will have the clarity to recognize it, to know what to do, and to walk that path with confidence.

And this time, it will be someone clear and transparent—someone honest from the very beginning—so that I don’t have to keep guessing, questioning, or analyzing every little thing. Just openness, truth, and peace from the start.

I am truly, deeply grateful for all the help you’ve given me, and I want you to know that I will carry your teachings with me. I will do my best to break away from old patterns and instead create a new, brighter, and better future.

And even though I don’t feel strong enough right now, I hope that I will one day find the strength I need. I pray for that strength, and I pray that better days are waiting ahead—for both of us.

Sending you lots of love and light for the days ahead 💛 💖 🤗

Please take care my dear xx
With warmth
Dafne

Dear Dafne,

I’m in the middle of traveling right now and don’t have time to reply, but I’d just mention one thing:

I knew about his health problems, but only recently found out that the doctors suspected that he had cancer. He told me that all is under control, but he is afraid that he may end up like his father (apparently, that’s how he lost him). So I suspect that he just wants an easy and enjoyable life right now without working too much. And me pushing him to find a stable job is, you know, inconvenient for him. He also felt too old to start a new work or change qualifications.

Do you remember Anita when we discussed the potential proposal in February? So now, when we met at the event, he told me a bit more about his intentions. He stated that he expected to buy me a simple jewelry or a simple engagement ring, and after that expected me to move in together and maybe have a baby! He did not tell me this before. For him engagement ring did not mean setting the wedding date. So I guess this time, he got tired of pretending and told me more than he eventually planned.

How does one combine fearing for one’s health and trying to work as little as possible, with having a baby, which in itself is very demanding and needs a lot of resources? This in itself is a huge contradiction!

Not to mention that he talks about having a baby very casually: “we’ll just move in together and maybe have a baby.” But who will take care of that baby? Who will ensure that the baby has everything it needs? And what about the baby’s mother – why doesn’t he want to marry her?

It’s almost as if he’s talking about having a baby as a means to an end. Perhaps to trap you? I don’t know, not quite sure about that, but things are definitely upside down in his head. Very worrying.

I’m glad you’ve decided to call it quits.

Dear Dafne, I’ll write more when I get the chance, but that might be only in a few days.

Till then, take care! <3

Dear Tee,

It really is a big contradiction, and I hadn’t noticed it before — thank you for pointing that out.

I think what he meant is that if again any of the projects turn out to be successful, things will become easier. But if not, then we’d have to live as modestly as he is able to provide now.

You are very right, Tee. He talks about casual visualizations of the future as a family, but without concrete steps, resources, or any consideration for the time we need to care for the baby. He already mentioned that he has resources — but only for himself and even that at a minimum. And what about us?

And what about the other responsibilities of having a baby, aside from the financial ones?

Maybe, indeed, a baby is a way to trap a woman, or perhaps it’s just to create another illusion in her head. In reality, he may not even truly want it. Or perhaps he is simply so immature that he throws these words around without giving them the thought and seriousness they truly deserve.

Yes, Tee, it’s quite possible that tying a woman with a baby seems like a much easier strategy to him than actually marrying her first. Maybe the other woman realised something really wrong and run away.

I just realized — if he’s not even capable of caring for someone lost on the motorway in a moment of serious distress, how could he possibly handle the much bigger challenges of living together, managing a household, and dealing with all the problems that come with it? I would even say that being with a man like that could be a disaster in the future.

If I decided to be with that man, I would probably end up suffering again, and he might be just as emotionally unavailable as people I’ve known before.

Tee, I hope you have a wonderful trip, and I look forward to hearing from you in a few days. Take your time, get some good rest, and enjoy yourself.

Take care!

Dear Dafne,

Maybe, indeed, a baby is a way to trap a woman, or perhaps it’s just to create another illusion in her head. In reality, he may not even truly want it. Or perhaps he is simply so immature that he throws these words around without giving them the thought and seriousness they truly deserve.

I think you’re right, Dafne. He probably was just casually throwing the idea of having a baby, because he knew that’s something you wanted. It’s very likely that he himself didn’t want it. He was probably just telling you what you wanted to hear, without really meaning it, or having a plan of how to bring it about. That’s a very irresponsible behavior to say the least.

I just realized — if he’s not even capable of caring for someone lost on the motorway in a moment of serious distress, how could he possibly handle the much bigger challenges of living together, managing a household, and dealing with all the problems that come with it? I would even say that being with a man like that could be a disaster in the future.

Yes, definitely. He seems like someone who cares only about himself, worries about “being taken advantage of”, isn’t generous at all, and has failed to be your emotional support in time of need. I’d say that in general he’s a stingy, selfish man, who lives in the scarcity mindset and believes others want to exploit him. As a result, he is very unwilling to give – be it materially (e.g. to invite you to a dinner at a restaurant you like, even if it’s just once), or emotionally. He is a taker, not a giver.

If I decided to be with that man, I would probably end up suffering again, and he might be just as emotionally unavailable as people I’ve known before.

Oh yes, the incident on the motorway has shown that he is emotionally unavailable, that rather than helping you and comforting you, or waiting for you after the incident, he decided to leave and even accuse you of getting lost. He probably felt inconvenienced when you asked for help – because people like him don’t like when someone asks their help. He might have even felt “violated” in some way when you asked for help, and so he reacted defensively, accusing you and taking a hike.

That’s actually a typical behavior for someone who is a taker, who is very self-centered and is unwilling/unable to care (or have empathy) for other people. Having a child with such a man would be a disaster, I’m afraid.

You asked Anita how to approach men from now on:

Tee suggested that cultivating my inner voice is the next healthy step I could take before finding romantic love. I feel like most men are not interested or afraid to start with friendship. They always ask what I’m looking for at this stage of my life, but I don’t know what the best answer is. What is your opinion on that, Anita? Maybe I will not open up too much to them at first and say that I’m currently focusing on my professional projects and only have time for friendships at the moment.

Well, the truth is that if you tell them you only want friendship when in fact you’re testing them to see how they behave – is actually somewhat deceptive. So if you start playing games with them, an honest man with serious intentions will be put off.

I’m not saying you should be naive and tell them everything on the first date, but don’t hide your intentions. Don’t hide that you want a serious partner and that your long-term goal is to get married and have a family.

However, I still believe that you should first work on your own healing before you can “attract” a healthy, mature partner. Because if you have a tendency to deny your own needs and feel guilty about having them, chances are you’ll attract selfish men, like this last guy.

You say the inner child healing didn’t really work for you:

I’ve tried to be kinder to myself and apply the Inner Child therapy, but it fails in real-life situations, like with that man. How can I stop feeling guilty?

Tee, can you help me please to reprogram that old script? And yes, please tell me more about that inner child. I’ve checked some nice videos you suggested in the past, but I did not know how to practically apply them in certain situations. Especially when emotions take over the logic.

I’m glad you’ve tried to be kinder to yourself. Have you managed to silence the inner critic and get in touch with a compassionate voice inside of you? A voice that is telling you that you are lovable and worthy, even if you make mistakes?

Because that would be key for starting the inner child healing. First we need to get in touch with the loving and compassionate side of us, who is telling us that we’re good enough. That we’re lovable, worthy, special, etc.

That’s the voice of our true self, and also of our “inner parent”. We need that compassionate voice to heal our inner child.

So I’d encourage you to find and cultivate that voice first. When you’re loving, caring and gentle with your dog, for example, you’re using that same voice. You already have it, it’s in you – now you only need to apply it to yourself. To be gentle, patient, loving and forgiving with yourself. Do you think you can do that?

Dear Tee,

Thank you for your support, for taking the time to notice the little details that often go unseen.

Yes, that last incident was a big slap in the face that opened my eyes wide and gave me the push I needed to move forward. Having your support and confirmation made it feel even more natural to let go, embrace the lessons, and simply keep going.

Thanks to you I also realized that those seemingly generous acts of kindness and gifts were not selfless at all. They were a means to an end, a way to trap me and try to gain emotional control over me. Once he realized he could not get what he wanted, his true face was revealed. That painful truth was a hard experience, but with your support, I was able to see it clearly, understand it, and find some strength to move forward without letting it define me. I honestly don’t know where I would be without your guidance and lifting…

I hope I can find the strength to hold on to the lessons I’ve learned and never fall for that kind of person again.

‘ Well, the truth is that if you tell them you only want friendship when in fact you’re testing them to see how they behave – is actually somewhat deceptive. So if you start playing games with them, an honest man with serious intentions will be put off.’

I’m happy and thankful for taking the time to respond to my question regarding friendship and being ready for a romantic relationship. I was not sure what the right approach was.

I’ll try to explain more. Friendship is essential to me. I wouldn’t be deceiving them by saying this, because for me, a meaningful friendship is one of the most important foundations of being with someone. What I really want to share is that I’m hoping for a meaningful friendship to start with – a strong emotional connection, built on trust, understanding, and genuine care. It’s what makes any deeper relationship possible or lasting.

I believe in taking the time to nurture that bond, letting it grow naturally. If the connection deepens and things take off, then one day it may evolve into something bigger. But I want to be honest from the start that I don’t want to follow the modern approach where physical attraction comes first and dictates everything. I don’t believe in judging someone solely by their looks or rushing to satisfy immediate desires. Modern men (or rather liberal men) often seem impatient – they want everything here and now. If they don’t get it, they move on to the next best option. I don’t want to be part of that.

When you look at old movies – whether Western, Indian, Arabic, or Korean – you can see something truly beautiful. There’s a certain timeless glow in the way people connect: they start with important things, take their time, and show genuine respect for each other. That old-school approach feels so meaningful, so authentic, and it’s exactly the kind of connection I hope for. The question is, in this era of instant gratification, is it even possible to find that kind of connection? It’s a challenge, but I still believe it’s worth seeking.

Tee, do you see the difference now and what I meant? So even if the friendship never evolves into anything more, I would still be happy to nurture and protect it. That kind of friendship is valuable in itself and worth cherishing regardless of what the future holds.

Tee, was I clear enough in my message about the friendship topic? Do you agree with this perspective and approach? Please ask me more if needed 😊

You’re right that my tendency to deny my own needs and feel guilty about having them might make me attract selfish men, like this last guy. So now, I’m definitely going to take some time for myself – to apply your teachings, to challenge my feelings, and to spend more time with myself. And if someone comes and feels the same way (without calling me prude or outdated), we might give it a chance.

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and how to avoid falling into situations like I did before.

Would you also give me some advice on early signs, specific behaviours that someone might be a time waster or manipulative (in addition to the ones we discussed before)?

Also, not to get too inquisitive, but when you first dated or met your husband, what was your best approach from day one? What kind of things did you talk about, and what did you avoid?

How did you talk about important topics without scaring him off? I want to be honest about starting with a meaningful friendship and emotional connection first, but I’m unsure how to communicate that naturally.

How much time would you give someone to propose if you don’t want to waste your time only dating?

‘ I’m glad you’ve tried to be kinder to yourself. Have you managed to silence the inner critic and get in touch with a compassionate voice inside of you? A voice that is telling you that you are lovable and worthy, even if you make mistakes?’

Yes, I did. I’m struggling with my inner critic every day. Some days are harder, others a bit easier. But you’re so right, it does affect the mood, well-being and how you see yourself every day. It’s just that I’m not always consistent with it and I give up and fall back into being consistent with it. Especially when I’m dealing with stressful situations at home, work, or with my health, I feel a big chaos and confusion, and the inner critic is the loudest.

Especially after coming back from that retreat, everything hit me at once. Responsibilities kicked in, and I had to take on so many projects at work because I’d been away for a while, and it is summer time. It all came with a price – stress, overwhelm, and disappointment.

That’s why I felt that starting with friends first and maybe more later might be the best approach for me. I was always true to this way of approaching relationships, but could not properly communicate it at the right moment to the man. I did not know how without scaring them away.

Of course, this would be after I’ve taken the time to heal and nurture so I can have more clarity and avoid wrong people on my path.

Tee, how long do you envision taking time for this healing before allowing progression?

Dear Dafne,

you’re welcome! I’m glad you’re gaining more clarity as we’re talking this through.

Thanks to you I also realized that those seemingly generous acts of kindness and gifts were not selfless at all. They were a means to an end, a way to trap me and try to gain emotional control over me. Once he realized he could not get what he wanted, his true face was revealed

Yes, very likely. Some people are like that – pretending to be kind only while it suits their needs, but once they have no use of you, they show their true face. But in fact, I don’t even think he was too kind during the relationship, based on what you’ve shared about him. I mean, he might have been kind in not pushing physical contact (i.e. respecting your wish), but he was manipulating you emotionally, very likely lying about his business affairs, and in general, pretending to be someone he is not. And then the last blow was his total lack of empathy after the motorway incident.

I want to be honest from the start that I don’t want to follow the modern approach where physical attraction comes first and dictates everything. I don’t believe in judging someone solely by their looks or rushing to satisfy immediate desires. Modern men (or rather liberal men) often seem impatient – they want everything here and now. If they don’t get it, they move on to the next best option. I don’t want to be part of that.

When you look at old movies – whether Western, Indian, Arabic, or Korean – you can see something truly beautiful. There’s a certain timeless glow in the way people connect: they start with important things, take their time, and show genuine respect for each other. That old-school approach feels so meaningful, so authentic, and it’s exactly the kind of connection I hope for.

It’s good you’re very clear about what you want. I remember we’ve been talking about that at the beginning of our correspondence, perhaps 2 years ago, and you said you want to be seen and cherished for the person you are, and not viewed as a sex object.

The question is, in this era of instant gratification, is it even possible to find that kind of connection? It’s a challenge, but I still believe it’s worth seeking.

I believe it is possible, however it’s more likely to find such a person in religious communities that practice premarital purity, for example. If you want no sex before marriage, or no sex before getting engaged, I think the safest is to look in such places. Or if you’re using a dating app, to list that as a requirement, or a preference, so there are no misunderstandings.

However, a word of warning: some traditional men, who respect similar principles of sexual restrain before marriage, might have very traditional view of women, where they see women primarily as mothers to child bearers and home makers. They don’t support the woman’s personal freedom and independence, e.g. pursuing professional goals and dreams, or any activities or hobbies that might go contrary to the man’s wishes.

So I think that trying to find a traditional man in this day and age might be a double-edged sword, and you need to be careful. Since you’re not really willing to take up the traditional role of woman – where the woman is subservient to man – if I understood you well?

There’s a certain timeless glow in the way people connect: they start with important things, take their time, and show genuine respect for each other. That old-school approach feels so meaningful, so authentic, and it’s exactly the kind of connection I hope for.

Hmmm… the old-school approach might be better in terms of how men view sex, however not necessarily in terms of genuine respect for women. I might be wrong, but it seems to me that the old-school attitude to women is not necessarily a healthy one but requires women to be in a strictly defined role, and in general subservient to men. The man makes all important decisions in the family, he is the “head of the family”, and the woman is there to support and care for him and the children. The man is also the breadwinner, while the woman stays at home to care for the children.

It’s okay it the woman wants it and chooses that role for a period of time (notably, while the children are young). However, if it is her only role, and she is forced into it and respected only for it, that might be a problem.

Tee, do you see the difference now and what I meant? So even if the friendship never evolves into anything more, I would still be happy to nurture and protect it. That kind of friendship is valuable in itself and worth cherishing regardless of what the future holds.

I’m not sure that friendship with a man is what you should be aiming for, because a friendship between a single woman and a single man who like and respect each other (and who are both heterosexual) is rare, I believe.

I think you should better aim for a man who respects you as a person, in your entirety, and doesn’t want you only for sex, or in another extreme – doesn’t want to limit you only to the role of child bearer and home maker.

If the man wants to put you in a box, without seeing and respecting the fullness of who you are – that in my book is not a healthy, equal relationship.

How did you talk about important topics without scaring him off? I want to be honest about starting with a meaningful friendship and emotional connection first, but I’m unsure how to communicate that naturally.

I agree that in a healthy relationship, your partner should also be your friend: someone you like spending time with, you can be authentic with, you don’t need to pretend, you have shared values, shared interests etc. I guess this is what you should be looking for in a potential partner.

Something’s just occurred to me: if you’re looking for a “traditional provider”, or a “traditional man”, it might limit your options because you’re looking for a certain role of man. But if you’re looking for a partner who is also your friend – e.g. with the characteristics I listed above – you might have a better chance of finding a good, healthy partner.

How much time would you give someone to propose if you don’t want to waste your time only dating?

Me and my husband dated for 5 years before getting married, and it was a long-distance relationship. I remember I didn’t want to pressure him to get married. And then he proposed 🙂 So it was kind of cool.

But I understand your situation is different and you want to have a certain time frame. So I’m not the best person to ask. But dating experts say you need minimum 1-2 years to really get to know the person. So anything under that time would be rushing things.

I’m struggling with my inner critic every day. Some days are harder, others a bit easier. But you’re so right, it does affect the mood, well-being and how you see yourself every day. It’s just that I’m not always consistent with it and I give up and fall back into being consistent with it. Especially when I’m dealing with stressful situations at home, work, or with my health, I feel a big chaos and confusion, and the inner critic is the loudest.

I think what makes things harder is that you not only have to deal with your inner critic, but also with the outer critic, who is your mother.

The problem is that we as children believe our parents’ qualifications of us. We believe that we’re not good enough, that we’re incapable, inadequate, or even that we’re selfish if we want to follow our own goals and dreams.

So I think that’s a big problem: that you believe your mother (at least a part of you believes her) when she criticizes you. And so there is both the inner and the outer critic, working in unison. And since you’re living with your mother, the outer critic is always present, and it serves as a magnifier of your inner critic.

Unfortunately, in such a constellation it’s very hard to keep a positive self-image, i.e. to love yourself and feel confident about yourself, because it’s very easy to get overwhelmed by those two critics.

I think you’d need to find a way to separate yourself emotionally (since physically isn’t really possible at the moment) from your mother’s influence. To stop believing her allegations about you, her criticisms and judgments of you.

For example, if she tells you you’re selfish, you should tell yourself you’re not selfish. If she tries to make you feel guilty, you should know you’re not guilty for having needs and wants of your own. And so on.

Instead of believing your inner and outer critic, the goal is to strengthen the compassionate voice of your “inner parent”. Believe the loving, compassionate voice, rather than the harsh, critical voice.

I know it’s easier said than done, but that’s what you need to do: again and again return to the loving, compassionate voice and reject the harsh, critical voice. Until you can truly feel love for yourself.