Two breakups in 3 months – help me please!

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This topic has 8 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 6 months ago by Mark.

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May 14, 2019 at 10:37 pm #293809

Julia
Participant

Hi, I’m new here. And I’m need help. Please. I’m desperate and spiraling into depression.

My now ex-boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me almost 3 months ago now. He moved across the country and slowly our relationship just faded away. Never for me, but for him. He became a different person and if I’m honest, we started fighting 2 years ago. I never thought we’d break up though, we got really close 6 months before he moved, went to counseling, I was getting ready to move to him and quit my loved job for our future. I thought he was the one and I was making the right choice for our future family. But it all came crashing down when he came to visit for V-day, and revealed it out of the blue. I came to visit him to get my closure, but it all ended. Needless to say, I am in pain and can hardly breathe at times. But this is not all.

Right around the breakup time I met this other guy. Him and my ex same age (6 years younger than me), and both are from the same country, however completely different people. After my breakup I started hooking up with this new guy to help me get over my ex. We both weren’t ready for relationship and were honest about it from the beginning. We talked about it openly.

This situation kept me somewhat distracted and helping to process my first breakup. I know we were both rebounds for each other and were ok with that. But suddenly something changed. This new guys started telling me he didn’t want to lead me on, I said I never assumed anything more than it was. I was thinking he was projecting his feelings onto me, he was scared that things are getting emotional. I knew his previous girlfriend left him when he was madly in love with her. Somehow these talks made me feel something for him. Long story short, he broke up with me last night, not even wanting to stay friends. He said it “it didn’t feel right”, even though he’s madly attracted to me, but doesn’t want to hurt my feelings, so he thinks we shouldn’t see each other. I told him I was perfectly ok with just sex, but he doesn’t seem to believe.

I dont’ think I developed feelings for this new guy, but I do want to continue seeing him. It helps me process and feel less depressed. I had to leave work today because I’m an emotional whack right now.

Please help me! My job is the only thing I have left, that keeps me grounded I can’t loose it. I need tools that can help me process all this if (and most likely) end up being alone. I’m so hurt after both these men walked away from me and didn’t feel like I was worth their time.

Apologies for such long post. My life is a mess.

May 15, 2019 at 6:00 am #293849

Inky
Participant

Hi Julia,

What pisses me off is when men break up with women on holidays or their birthdays. In fact, some will purposefully break up with someone before Thanksgiving and not see anyone new until after Valentine’s Day! What Boyfriend #1 did was just crappy.

Rebound Guy: If an average woman claims that they’re OK with just sex, in the guy’s experience, that is simply not the case. It is code for “I want to have at least one foothold in your life so that maybe it will eventually evolve into something more”. Your ego was bruised, that’s all. His “job” was to help you get your confidence back. The fact that he stopped the arrangement because he’s all suddenly psychic about your intentions backfired it on you.

The key is to not have sex with anyone you date UNTIL you are in a real relationship. The End.

You WERE worth their time. And more! Sorry they were such idiots.

Best,

Inky

May 15, 2019 at 10:33 am #293909

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Julia:

You had a five year long relationship. You “thought he was the one”, and you were ready to have “our future family” with him. The he broke up with you, “I am in pain and can hardly breathe at times” you wrote.

Around the time of the breakup, when you were in pain and could hardy breathe at times, you met another man who “kept you somewhat distracted” from that pain. His recent guy broke up with you the night before last and you lost the distraction.

Once you lost the distraction, you are back to the pain of the five year relationship breakup.

Now what?-

– you will need other distractions so that the emotional pain does not overwhelm you, you need breaks from that pain, so find distractions, long walks in nature, an exercise routine, a daily routine of guided meditations and exercise perhaps, maybe a yoga class a couple of times a week. Soft music at times, loud music at other times, a new social setting, a class perhaps, a support group you can attend- choose your distractions wisely and according to what is practical at any time of the day and night.

In addition to wisely chosen distractions, consider psychotherapy if he depression lasts and lasts. Were you depressed before the five year relationship breakup?

anita

May 15, 2019 at 4:48 pm #293991

saggad
Participant

When I lost my relationship with my first girlfriend after 3 years (She was 11 years older than me), I for running away from that experience started a relationship with another girl quickly. During that time a lot of my thoughts were still stuck in my past relationship. So I could not decide well if that new girl was the right choice or not. I was sad, angry and scared of being alone. So I lost my capable of deciding well and logically.
As you can imagine the second relationship was even worse and destroyed me even more.
I think this is better to have some months between relationships. I tried to have it and I find my third decision better with it (But however I lost it… for other reasons)
Maybe it is a good idea to try to making friends and being in social rounds actively and maybe there you could find the right person when your mood is good. I’m trying to have it now (But I’m not really successful in making friends now…) But however, I find this the best solution.

May 15, 2019 at 10:09 pm #294027

Julia
Participant

Thank you anita, I noticed your insights are always spot on. I’ll try to take a better care of myself, do healthy routine, eat healthy… I’m just finding it hard to find motivation…

May 15, 2019 at 10:42 pm #294025

Julia
Participant

Thank you for your reply! I do think I can be ok with just sex. Can you please take a look at this forum where I talk about this situation at length: https://tinybuddha.com/topic/is-he-being-honest-with-himself-and-me/

May 15, 2019 at 10:43 pm #294029

Julia
Participant

Thanks for sharing your story and I’m truly sorry, I know how hard it is and how scary this new reality feels. And lonely. I posted about my rebound here in depth: https://tinybuddha.com/topic/is-he-being-honest-with-himself-and-me/

I do think he’s just a rebound and I’m ok with staying FWB but I’m not sure if he is. I’m trying to learn from this experience and understand how he feels too…

May 16, 2019 at 4:29 am #294059

Oleh
Participant

I think u shoul speak with urself.Cause looking for some help in other guys.

If u want to find normal happy relationships that’s not the answer!

May 16, 2019 at 3:51 pm #294193

Mark
Participant

Julia,

If you are looking for reasons or lessons from your 5 yr relationship breakup then please elaborate what did your boyfriend say why he wanted to breakup? Did you have good communication during that time with him? Were you two able to discuss differences and deal with disagreements in a satisfying way? Did you two talk about future plans? Did you two share core common values and outlook in life? What ways were you two compatible? And what ways were you two not?

What part did you play in this breakup? In my experience and knowledge, each party has some responsibility in why relationships don’t work out.

Mark
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