I’ve recently found this site and been reading forums, I know there are some folks that can relate to my situation and wanted to put my story out there. Thanks in advance for any of you who read this (it’s SUPER long) and for any input you may have.
I was recently left by my husband about 4 months ago. He and I had been married a year, but together for 7 1/2 years total. We had a wonderful relationship (or so I thought). We met well before we got together, but didn’t really know each other. Once we started spending time with one another, we hit it off immediately. We were 23, we just clicked. After dating for about 2 1/2 months, he asked me to move to Utah with him – I declined, not knowing anyone and having a job lined up for me in North Carolina after we wrapped up our summer jobs. He decided to put his journey out west on hold and moved to Raleigh with me for a year. Initially, we were going to each have our own places, but decided to take a chance and move in together. Over the course of the year, he convinced me to move out to Utah with him. I was excited for a new adventure and we moved at the end of the summer.
We moved out to Utah, lived there or 2 years and loved it. We lived in a ski town, so it was difficult to make a living. We loved the adventure, the friends we met, the carefree lifestyle we were living, but knew that Utah wasn’t a permanent place for us. We then decided to move to Colorado, again to a ski town, which we enjoyed as well. We lived there for a year and a half, had a similar experience to what we did in Utah. Spent time skiing, having fun, living a carefree lifestyle. As the first year in Colorado wrapped up, we discussed our future, where we wanted to live, what we wanted to do with our lives, etc. We agreed that living out West wasn’t permanent for us and that we wanted to be back closer to family (on the East coast). We had discussed marriage for a while, but he wanted to finish college (he was taking classes online) before that happened, which I was fine with. When we moved back east, he didn’t work, so he could focus on finishing school. I worked full time and supported him (though he had some savings, help from his parents financially). Once he finished school, his cousin approached him to ask if he wanted to start a business with him. He felt like it was a great opportunity, we discussed it, and I supported him in that endeavor. Shortly after that, he proposed and we agreed to get married a year and a half later.
Our first year of marriage was good (or so I thought), but hard. With him starting a business, he was incredibly busy and working all the time. I also was in a high stress job, that didn’t bring out the best in me. I had a tendency to be negative and talk about my work more than I would like to admit. But I supported him, I did everything I could to help him with the business, I dedicated time to help, gave up weekends with him because he needed to work – but I missed him. About 8-10 months into our marriage, I started voicing my concern of how little time we spent together and he promised me it was temporary and to just give it a bit more time before the business could run more smoothly without his every day involvement. I understood and continued to support him. In March of last year, the business hired a new full time employee. She was young, vibrant, easy to talk to, and a bright light for the business. I have never been jealous and I wasn’t jealous of her either. He has never given me reason to not trust him and never betrayed my trust in any way. She became our friend, has been to our house numerous times, watched our dog when we were out of town, came to my birthday, etc.
A couple weeks before our first anniversary (in October), I called him on my way home from work to ask what he wanted to do for dinner. He told me he was having a beer with this female employee (which wasn’t rare) and then he’d meet me at home and we could figure out dinner. I got home and waited for over an hour, he never came home. I called him, he ignored my calls. Finally, I went into town and found the 2 of them at a bar, sitting outside (in plain view), holding hands across the table from each other. I walked up, told him I hated him, got in my car and left. I assumed he’d be right behind me, following me home. Nope. I had to call him numerous times before he finally answered and said he was coming home. (He couldn’t drive because he was drunk, so he had to get an Uber).
When he got home, he told me he didn’t love me anymore. He loved her. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to work on our marriage. He feels like we’d lost our spark. I’m incredibly negative, I need my own friends, no one likes to be around me – a number of very hurtful things. I pleaded to see what I could do to fix things, told him I’d go to counseling, suggested that we go to marriage counseling to see how we could remedy this. He said he didn’t know if he wanted to do that and had to think about it. The following morning he apologized to me, said that he needed to end whatever was going on with his employee, that we needed to figure out what we could do to work on our marriage. I agreed to let him go meet with her to talk this over. After their conversation, he told me they both agreed that things had to end, that this was wrong, etc. She then reached out to me to ask if she could apologize to me in person. I agreed. We met, she was very apologetic, I felt she was sincere, she told me that she never meant for this to happen, she never meant to get between us, she valued our friendship and felt terribly. We ended the conversation with her saying that their relationship would be strictly professional, she was bowing out. I truly believed her. I come to find out that right after she and I spoke. She called my husband, met him for a drink, to talk about the conversation we had. I called both of them out on it and they both apologized, said they were wrong, blah blah blah.
My husband continued to live with me for the next 2 weeks. Right after our anniversary, he came home from work and wanted to go to sleep almost right away. We went up to bed, I couldn’t sleep, I walked downstairs and he followed me down. He asked me what I wanted to talk about and I told him I just wanted to know where his head was. He told me that he didn’t feel anything for me, that he was giving up. I asked again if he’d be willing to talk to someone with me. If we could at least make an effort to fix things. That marriage isn’t always easy, there are times that are going to be hard, and with us having spent so little time together recently, it’s not a surprise that things are so hard. That I loved him and was willing to do whatever it takes, we made a commitment to each other and we owe each other to at least try to make it work. I also said that this employee of his is the biggest problem in this all. He said she had nothing to do with his decision. He was going to sleep somewhere else tomorrow night.
Since this is getting long, I’m going to abbreviate the rest of the story, but ultimately, he left. Has yet to come back except to get mail and some of his belongings here and there. He also took some of our furniture (in our guest room and a bonus room), gave me a 1 day heads up that he was taking the furniture, and didn’t ask me about it. He’s rented an apartment (in the same building his now girlfriend lives). Before he rented the apartment, he lived with her for about 6 weeks. He also went out to Montana to meet her mother at Christmas. Everyone we mutually know (both our friends and family) are completely blindsided by all of this, as am I. His parents are devastated, our friends are confused, and he has stopped hanging out with all but 1 or 2 of our mutual friends. It will take him days to text them back and he rarely spends time with them, unless they are at his business.
We did have one heart to heart after he left me (this took place in late November). He was incredibly vulnerable, told me that he was incredibly unhappy. That he’s been unhappy for years, that he hates owning a business, that he’s not sure he wants to live in the town we’re in, he resents his cousin because of the business their in, all kinds of things. He also told me he had no idea what he was doing, he missed me every day, he still loves me, and that I am his best friend. He told me he’d had some really dark thoughts and I suggested he talk to a therapist. He agreed that he should, he’d seen one before (after his brother passed away), and he was going to reach out to him. He and I have not spoken since then.
I’m completely destroyed and blindsided. This isn’t getting any easier and I don’t picture a future without him. Not only did I lose the love of my life, but I lost my best friend and the person who I’ve shaped my entire life around for the last nearly 8 years. I don’t know how to get past this and all I want is for him to realize that he made a mistake and he wants me back. Unfortunately, he seems to be happy as a clam, spending all his time with his new girlfriend (and employee), and seems to have completely forgotten that I exist. I am struggling and I don’t know what to do.
Again – sorry this is so long, but if you’ve read the whole thing, thank you!
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