Traumatized by workplace bullying

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This topic has 11 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 4 months ago by Anonymous.

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December 28, 2018 at 2:33 pm #271325
Lala
Participant
Hi everyone, I’m trying get over this but I keep getting angry and sad when I think about what happened in my new job 3 months ago. I started my new job in September in a small team of 4 people including myself. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into, but starting in my first week of work, my manager who openly admitted that he had anger management issues, said in an intimidating & irritated tone that I am not confident in myself. I told him I was and he would compare me to other people who appear to be more confident, and judge me saying how my chin is always dropping and I sound unconfident when I speak. He would say straight up that I lack social skills and I act differently than normal people, which is a weird comment that I never heard from anyone else. He also commented on my face saying I look miserable when my face is at rest and he made fun of me and imitated my facial expression in front of other people. He also compared to the other girls in my team saying how they look nicer than me. I felt humiliated and he was just like a school bully who would get other people to laugh at me. There was a time he told me I lacked social skills and then asked me if I had ever been in a relationship (as if he thought I was too antisocial to ever go out with anyone). Also, he randomly asked me if I farted and shook the chair I was sitting on. He would poke me with his elbow and often say things that would make me look bad infront of other people. Clearly, he was treating me like crap and I wasn’t getting paid enough to endure all the harassment, so I reported him to HR when I was only 6 weeks into my new role. The HR agreed that his comments were inappropriate and moved me to another team. I really like my current team but this role is only tempory and they might have to move me to a crappier team soon. I still think about how badly my previous manager treated me and I cringe whenever I see him. What did I do to deserve having to put up with such shitty personalities and float between teams? I have zero respect for that manager, he has no sense of respect, no academic intelligence (went to a crappy ass school and refuses to recognize my credentials) and he’s one of the ugliest men I know (I wish I could say this to him because he was commenting on my face like daily!) I feel like he didn’t get the punishment that he deserves and I hope Karma does its job someday. It’s holiday season and I am worrying about losing my job and I am still thinking about why this happened to me and if it was something about me that made me vulnerable.. Sigh… what do you guys think? How can I get over this sooner? any advice/ insight from you guys will be helpful! Thanks and happy holidays!
- This topic was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Lala.
December 28, 2018 at 4:20 pm #271329

Jahrin
Participant

Hi Lala,

Thank you for posting your negative work experiences here, I am sure that this is something people will be able to relate to as unfortunately it goes on in a lot of office environments. I had a similar experience a few years back and went through a tough time with a co-worker and can only imagine how difficult it must seen coming from a manager.

The good things about your situation is that you dealt with it and got transferred, and let me say that from experience, it is usually rare that you are the only one that sees how negative and unpleasant this bully is and trust me, other people notice this behaviour though they’re too scared to jeapordise their position and cause a fuss especially since they need to face this person daily.

In my experience, I noticed that I was focusing on the negative once the bully left, and wasn’t around. I asked the same question why me, and the truth was that I was friendly and seen as a prerson they could stroke their ego with, a punching bag. To someone sensitive as me, I had to learn to let go of the experience. I meditate and try and understand the nature of people like that and see why they may be compelled to act how they do. This helped me get over the negativity and move forward, and also influence how I deal with work colleagues in the future. Basically these type of people rarely do things out of a need to help others but more have egos that keep them stuck in that way amd giving them the satisfaction of reacting to their antagonism feeds them. Ask yourself if a person constantly behaves a certain way, do you expect anything different? Probably not so you know what to expect. Bullies exist everywhere and are usually always making up for some shortcomings so all you can do is not respond to their attacks but instead progress on town path and embrace your work whilst garnering the respective ct of people who value your strengths. This might seem difficult but there is strength in moving forward regardless of a bully’s actions, I know, i have done it before.

Forgive the long response and also if it sounds like a ramble but hope it helps bring some peace of mind and a helpful view on something that many people go through.

best wishes,

Jahrin

December 28, 2018 at 6:12 pm #271335

Mimi
Participant

Lala,

I’m sorry for what you went through, and how much it’s still hurting you.

It stinks that HR departments are so generally useless. At least, from my experience. My husband was bullied by a bunch of young women at the Kohl’s corporate headquarters (many awful co-workers (mean girls that were lazy workers), supervisors, and an evil HR department that lied and abused him – all contributing to his heart attack and to his mental and physical struggles after surgery).

I know it’s a different situation than yours, but it’s all bullying. It’s hard to understand those people and why they do what they do, when you are a good and kind and decent person (like my husband and like you).

It’s terrible that a company won’t get rid of a jerk like your manager, and instead makes things worse for you. It’s the same thing they usually do with sexual harassment.

Since you still have to see that jerk, maybe do something that makes you laugh inside, like picture his head exploding as you walk past him. Maybe it could divert some of your anger and pain, as you giggle about that image of him.

You’ve done all you can about him, so now just take care of yourself. Work on anything that helps you feel better – meditation, exercise, being with friends or family, hobbies, accomplishing something outside of work (something you’ve always dreamed of maybe), and things like that. Work on your inner peace (many helpful articles on this site) and try to let it go, as much as you can.

I hope you can feel better and better as time goes by.

Mimi

December 29, 2018 at 6:35 am #271357

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lala:

You asked for advice on how to get over this sooner.

My advice is to understand the situation better. Before I go on I want to state clearly that what this man did was wrong and that I wish he was fired for it, or removed to a working environment where he doesn’t manage people or interact with people otherwise. Also, my purpose is not that you to feel empathy for him, and to justify his abuse of you!

You wrote: “I feel like he didn’t get the punishment that he deserves and I hope Karma does its job someday”- the thing is, his punishment already happened way before he met you. He acted out his past hurts against you. He was already hurt way before, this is why he has anger management issues. Anger follows hurt.

When he compared you to other people, it is because when he was a child he was either compared to other children unfavorably, or ignored while others were attended to positively and he was so very jealous and angry then.

That “intimidating & irritated tone” he used against you, is probably the tone a parent used against him in voice or in facial appearance, and so on.

Abuse begets abuse, not only by parents against their children in the context of homes, but also in the work place, in the streets, in politics, anywhere and everywhere and we all suffer.

Best we can do is seek justice best we can, hold the abusers accountable so that they stop abusing us and other people and make sure we don’t pass on the hurts by yet abusing more people.

Did you think about writing him a letter or so, anything you can do other than what you did with HR or any other agency perhaps?

anita

December 29, 2018 at 8:00 am #271367

Inky
Participant

Hi Lala,

Managers are the worst! There’s something about being in a management position that brings out the worst in people. (Apologies to managers who happen to read this).

The good news is that HR (and everyone) know what a jerk he is. Who knows? Maybe he was moved to his current team in the past because someone else had reported him to HR previously?

It’s good to have allies around you. So if this happens to you again (by anyone) all they’ll hear after their power play is you and your friends cracking up as soon as he leaves the room. Bullies HATE being laughed at! In fact, even if you are the only one that’s laughing, that gives everyone else permission to smirk and roll their eyes at him even if they dare not say anything to his face. Give him a nickname. Say “Hello, Sunshine!” whenever you pass him. If he says anything to you, reply with, “If you say so, Sunshine!” Remember to give him a good wink.

Another trick is to say, “I notice you always get cranky when you’re hungry. Do you want a donut? No, Sunshine, seriously, we insist!”

Best,

Inky

December 29, 2018 at 9:35 am #271379

Anonymous
Guest

* Happy New Year, Inky. I hope you have a very good 2019!

anita

December 30, 2018 at 7:27 pm #271559

Lala
Participant

Hi Jahrin, thanks for your reply. I tend to be the more sensitive, naive and easy going person in the group as well. It’s sad how some people like to take advantage of our friendliness to put us down and feel good about themselves! I didn’t know how to react to bullies at workplace (especially because he was in position of authority) so I tried to laugh it off but was hurting a lot on the inside. Eventually, it got to the point where I felt that it’d be better to get fired than to work for him. As you said, I will try to learn from this experience and know how to hanlde it better in the future. I will ignore/ not respond to rude comments and focus on my work if I ever come across someone like him. I am happy to hear that you know how to deal with such difficult situations now. Happy holidays to you and your family!

December 30, 2018 at 7:41 pm #271567

Lala
Participant

Hi Mimi, I am sorry for what happened to your husband. I also got sick many times recently, probably due to stress at work. I can’t understand bullies either. Any right thinking human would know that it’s never ok to treat others like crap. Like you said, I will try to divert my anger and pain by thinking of him as a little helpless man who likes to project his own self inadequacy on other people. It’s weird how he threw so much shit at me but he gets offended so easily by little things that other people say to him (once a waitress jokingly said ‘no lunch for you’ and he got so offended) I bet he’s weak and insecure on the inside. I will try not to fear him anymore:) I hope your husband gets well soon! Happy holidays!

December 31, 2018 at 4:39 am #271595

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lala:

You wrote in your post before last: “I will ignore/ not respond to rude comments and focus on my work if I ever come across someone like him”.

I noticed that you responded empathetically and kindly to two members who responded to your thread and ignored me and another member, and I wonder if you did so intentionally and if so, if you did it because you thought my post to you was rude?

If so, it may be a learning opportunity for the two of us. Or not.

anita

December 31, 2018 at 4:34 pm #271707

Mimi
Participant

Anita, I didn’t think anything you wrote was rude. In fact, it was extremely insightful, about how bullies are and how they are formed. I’m just guessing, and can’t speak for Lala, but I think sometimes people just get overwhelmed by all of the information and input and don’t know how to respond. I know that happens to me.

Lala, what you say is so true, about people who can dish out so much, but can’t take it. My mom criticized me (felt like it to me) for about 30 years (she’s been good for the last 27 years, once she chose to accept my complaints and change), but in all that time, and now, too, she can’t take even the slightest criticism, and I always think, “Jeez, what did you do to me for half my life, and YOU can’t take it?” So, I guess that’s how people are.

It’s good that you are trying to reduce and work on the stress aspect of this whole thing, because the anger, resentment, and stress can do such damage to your body and mind. The more you can do to help yourself overcome it (in a healthy way), the better.

I wish you peace and joy and love – every day – so you can get past this.

Actually, I wish the same to everyone here, because they are all such good people.

January 4, 2019 at 12:32 am #272189

Lala
Participant

Hi Anita, thank you so much for your reply and I am truly sorry for getting back to you late. I was out of town and didn’t get to reply to the last 2 posts.

You weren’t being rude at all! And I wasn’t intentionally ignoring you and Inky. I was planning on replying to both of you as well.

Like Mimi said, your post was very insightful and I appreciate it. It helped me stop indulging in self pity and made me wonder what happened to him throughout his life. He did often mention that he was the victim of racism/ bullying, growing up in the 80s. I guess what you said is very accurate. I’m still unsure why he had to take it out on me…

At first, I thought about addressing the problem to the bullying manager directly. However his comments were getting worse by the day (i.e he said I am just like people who commit suicide and accused me of having anxiety issues when I made small mistakes). It got to the point where I felt like bursting into tears whenever I had to speak to him and I couldn’t even look him in the eyes.

Other than quitting, I felt like going to HR was my last resort…

Anita, I wish you a happy new year and I really enjoy reading your posts!

January 4, 2019 at 5:57 am #272213

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lala:

You are welcome and thank you for your good wishes for me. I hope this new year is a good year for you!

I just noticed that you wrote a Dec 30: “I will ignore/ not respond to rude comments and focus on my work if I ever come across someone like him”- I don’t think that this is a good plan. Instead, if and when a person mistreats you like this man had, stand up, stand up straight with your head held high, look him in the eye, make your face strong, unafraid, angry. And say to him with a strong, angry voice: F**& you!

Or something like that, strong, something that cannot possibly be understood as anything but valid, justified anger.

anita
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