Toxic girlfriends divorced mom

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This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.

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March 4, 2019 at 5:12 pm #282997

Lukey
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Ive been together with my gf for 1 year, her mom being divorced for 4 years. My issue her mother hasnt let the past go. Whenever i go over there the mothers usually been drinking by herself, sometimes not even drinking just sitting in the dark in the lounge room no tv on and starts bringing up stories of the past even though she has told them previously many times and sulks about the life she had and how shes a bad mother and how her life is now all f###up. And makes me and my gf listen to her, which makes me gf depressed and sad. She always wants to know whats happening and really wants the finer details about anything in mine or my gf’s life like where we went, how did you feel or that make you feel about doing that or going there, were the birds chirping, sun shinning make you feel etc. And always texts my gf when we are out about silly things like oh i mopped the floor just letting you know. I bought this and this and tells her exactly everything she bought. She bascially never leaves the house except for work and shopping so she has no life.

When im not there she has a go at my gf for no reason saying how much shes a bad gf towards me when shes clearly not and any little issue with anything she makes a big drama out of it like she the mother needs drama in her life and wants to start fights with my gf. My gf knows how she is but still lives at home and just puts up with it but lately its been getting worse and making my gf more sad.

And 90% of the time ive been going over there and the mother wants to sit in the dark drinking and talking about everything and doesnt like having the tv on. And if me and my gf go out at night the mother usually says oh nice have fun i’ll sit here by myself even when my gf wants to go to bed her mother says that oh okay i’ll just sit here by myself(no tv just in the dark)

Ive had enough of her mothers routine of sitting there listening to her sulk about the past in the dark with no tv on to watch. How should i tell my gf i dont want to go around to her house anymore cause the mother is a very toxic and im sick of listening to her

March 4, 2019 at 5:42 pm #283003

Mark
Participant

Lukey,

It is easy to judge someone who deals with life by complaining and withdrawing from life by drinking. I can imagine myself not being able to tolerate someone who won’t help themselves.

Have you and/or your gf thought of doing something different like take her out of the house for a walk, a movie, a live music event or with other people? Even AA where there is a community of people who will listen to her and her pain?

I invite you to be compassionate to someone who is in pain. We frequently judge others based on our own experience of our life and how we behave. The key to compassion is empathy. It is to walk in someone else’s shoes.

How should you tell your gf you don’t want to be around her mother? How about telling her that you want to love and support her but you have a hard time and not have the patience to be around her mother.

Mark

March 5, 2019 at 1:11 am #283037

JayJay
Participant

Hello Lukey,

I agree with Mark above.

It might be possible to get this person out into the world again if both you and your girlfriend work together on the task. She sounds like she has no life, which is why she is so focused on living her life through someone else, that being your girlfriend and yourself.

I would also see if your girlfriend can get her mother to a doctor as she sounds depressed.

If you try these things and fail, then at least you will have tried.

It actually sounds like she is trying to put everyone around her (especially her daughter) on a guilt trip as well. The reason for that could be that because she is unhappy, everyone else has to be.

I’d like to know what she was like before her divorce. Was she any different to how she is now? Is this something she has slipped into and spiralled downwards in a destructive kind of way until she is now sitting alone in the dark and choosing to be there?

March 5, 2019 at 4:03 am #283047

Inky
Participant

Hi Lukey,

If you’re going to go into your girlfriend’s house, then you’re going to have to engage with the mother. Once a week, no more, no less, say, “I’d love to hear all about it, walk to the mail/around the block with us/let’s have a coffee”. Then she is at least out of the house!

If she wants to literally say, “That’s OK, I’ll just sit here alone in the dark”, LET HER. Drop the girlfriend off at the door.

And one thing about time: To a younger person, four years is a lifetime. To an older person, four years is like a blink of an eye. To her, the divorce JUST HAPPENED. Four years to her is like only four months to you.

Best,

Inky

March 5, 2019 at 11:29 am #283135

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lukey:

I think that the best thing you can do for your girlfriend, the loving thing to do for her, is to encourage her to move out and no longer live with her mother.

anita
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