Thanks, anita;) So I did pretty well on the physics honors and pre-calc test today and my ap world history teacher said i had a quiz tomorrow and also for ap english (6 tests this week). my lunch buddy and i were talking about java, graphing calculators and logarithms today. we both agreed that english and history was just reading and analyzing and math and science were more hands-on. we were both laughing about the graphing calculator tricks (i learned them from my friend in ap english who is great with electronics) and we were talking about physics and mathematical experiments. in ap english today, my friend who is really good with electronics was talking to me about graphing calculators and computer science. also he knows a lot about first aid, camping, and self-defense, so we were talking about science and we both really like chemistry and physics. my ap english friend and i were discussing first aid techniques and also math and science experiments. also today after school, i have a friend who is doing distance for track and she loves math and science especially biology. she wants to be a neurologist and i find that really cool because psychology and the brain fascinate me. i think i will definitely go into a math and science career. my lunch buddy, her and me were talking after school (track meeting) about the events we were going to do in track and also laughing over the math and scientific things we each know. she doesn’t like history and english much either like me, she and my lunch buddy think it really doesn’t give the real-life experience and the challenge to the mind like math and science do. anyway, i’m doing shot-put, discus, sprints and distance for track. i think it’s great because a lot of the track mates enjoy math and science and they are great and encouraging people to be around. also it will be great for both me and my lunch buddy to encourage each other to be in shape. before lunch today, i went to my locker to pick up some supplies and i ran into my special friend which we both smiled at each other, meanwhile two people walked by and stared at him before looking away, when he asked what they were staring at, they just laughed and told him that they were staring at his worthless nature, this made me really annoyed that people make fun of him and i looked at him and told him that he was a special person and not to listen to them. i told him that they don’t really understand him because he enjoys acting and they think he is childish and obnoxious, but he can be one of the kindest and most sensitive people i know. after a while of seeing that he was okay, i went to lunch where my lunch buddy and i discussed math and science. toward the last 20 minutes of lunch, i looked up to see my special friend looking at us and he seemed lonely ( we have a special connection where i always can sense when he is around even if i am busy with something and i always know what he seems to be thinking), my special friend was being ridiculed by his friends for being an actor, so he decided to sit nearby where he could look out for me. the greatest thing about him is that he is always looking out for the people he cares about even if he has people who put him down, he always has hope when seeing the people he cares about. i asked him if he wanted to come sit with us, but he said he didn’t want to disturb our work so he just sat nearby and watched to see if i was okay. after school he wished me luck with the track meeting and told me that he loved me for the person i made him be, the hope that i gave him, my dramatic humor and desire to always experience the adventure of life. he said that i was perfect the way i was and that no matter what i would go far. he said that he’ll always be here to encourage me and that he always believes in me. he is the sweetest guy ever, his words brought tears to my ears and i hugged him and told him to believe in himself, that without him i wouldn’t have been the person i am now, that i believe in him and that i loved him for his appreciation of who i really am and his constant joy and encouragement in life and the idea that he took a chance and went out of his way to help me when i was lost in seventh grade. i told him that even though i had lots of guy friends and a busy schedule, i would always care about him for everything he did, he is a great spiritual partner. for pre-calc today, one of the guys in my ap world history class helped me with my work and we got it done so i didn’t have pre-calc homework. i spent much time yesterday doing today’s homework because i knew i had a track meeting after school so today, i only had 7 pages to read for ap english and outline the development of christianity from 1st-14th century, it only took me an 1 hour because my ap english friend who is good at electronics and also the other ap english friend who is good at literature taught me the best way to skim the passages and also i use my subconscious mind to help with details and picking out important data and correct answers. my parents always criticize me for my use of my subconscious, but it always turns out to be right, they think that i can’t just base my answers on a gut feeling, but i balance them both. i use my logical side to check to see the answer works. i never thought 11th grade could be such a great time of spiritual awakening and also my three guy friends, my new found gal friend and my special friend have helped lots. today, morning when i was a bit annoyed at my parents because they criticized me on the grading system on physics honors since they didn’t understand a 44/52 is an 88, they kept thinking i did terrible. so my special friend asked if i was okay and i told him that i wish my parents were easier to communicate with and they didn’t always focus on my imperfections because sometimes it makes me feel so inadequate and not good enough. he was a great listener and he told me that it didn’t matter what happened or what others say, i would always be good enough to him. he told me not to worry and go for what i truly cared about not what others expectations of me were and also that he believed in me. he told me that i was the reason he truly knew what spiritual love was and that i made him feel more like himself and have more goals toward what he really wants in life. i told him that he was the same for me because when i’m with him, i feel strong and supported, my mind is clear, i feel healthy and believe in myself. even when we leave for college, i will remember the spiritual love that we share. some people laugh at us or sometimes think we are in a relationship, but we really aren’t, he is like a family member to me. i feel like i can trust him and be myself around him and he will be okay with it. i love him for the person he makes me feel i can become and the idea that we both help and encourage each other. google has introduced this thing where if you connect a microphone and a speaker to your computer, you can voice type on google drive, it’s so cool;) yet, i don’t have a microphone and speaker, but i’ve seen it done on iPhones so it is probably similar to that. google was annoying a couple days ago saying that my computer was outdated and it wouldn’t support it, but now it seems like they’re upgrading some parts of the software;) skydrive is easier to use, but since i have a google account i just use it and when you first open up the internet, it goes straight to google.

my two ap english friends are great, the one who is great at literature and also in my physics honors class stayed behind for while after ap english (2nd block) and physics honors (4th block) to check if i was okay in school, also he has been helping me keep my grades up in ap world history and ap english by telling me how christianity spread and changed other historical events, in ap english he has been giving me ideas on how to be a better public speaker, how to analyze passages. my other ap english friend who is great with electronics and i were talking earth and space sciences, graphing calculator technique (shading, drawing circles), logarithms and physics. i feel like i am learning so much from my friends, it’s great;) also my lunch buddy and i were both talking about joining track and also exponential graphs. we were both trying to concentrate on our studies, but there was a video on unhealthy relationships that kept playing over and over and we both couldn’t concentrate, but we still managed to tune out most of it (after we listened to some of it) and focus on our studies. i’m the type of person who will get things done quite quickly often such as if a teacher assigns an assignment due in three weeks, i’ll start it right away and be done in 2 weeks and hand it in. i enjoy getting things done quickly so i have more free time to meditate and enjoy life. also i found out from my lunch buddy that you can be both simplistic and meticulous, i need to learn how to do that from him. his notes are very simplistic, yet they are easy to understand and cover the topics. i tend to be one or the other, either simplistic or meticulous, not both. i am also a great multitasker and can focus on ten things at once and i often get most of it done. my parents think i spend to much time enjoying life because they think i do all my work quickly to play, but i find a fine balance between work and play and also my grades are pretty good: 92 in ap world history, 100 in ap english, 99.4 in precalc and an 84 in physics honors which i think i can pull up. also my special friend and i have become quite close, but there are times when i feel bad since i’m busy and i don’t pay attention to him. ever since i’ve discovered my passion in math and science, i’ve been studying with my two ap english friends and my lunch buddy. i feel bad for leaving him out at times, since he always looks out for me. i was a little stressed from physics honors because i tend to overanalyze the problems more than i’m supposed to even if they are easy, but i was also enjoying the lesson on forces and dynamics of motion. when i was talking to my ap english friend who is great with electronics after ap english, he walked by and heard us talking about gravity and spaceships and he seemed to be upset and doubt himself i heard him say “i’ll never be as smart as she is. she is really smart, i can’t believe she knows so much about science. so after school today, when i saw him, i winked at him and told him that he was smart and that i didn’t care that he wasn’t a physics and math person, i liked him for his compassion and that he shouldn’t compare himself to the other guys i hang out with. i was a bit stressed and he is really good at reading my emotions so he asked me if i was okay, i told him i was mostly fine (the day had gone pretty well), it was just that i tended to over-analyze things in physics honors and my head was spinning, he nodded his head like he understood and told me that i shouldn’t worry about that, he said that smart people tend to overthink things so they can look at things from all different perspectives. he told me out of all the girls he’d met, he loved me the most for my enthusiasm for life, my one-track mind (when i have my mind on a goal, everything else fades and there’s nothing stopping me from pursuing that goal), my enthusiasm for learning and my compassion for people. he told met that he’s never met anyone like me who accepts him for who he is. i told him that if he ever has doubts about himself or if people tell him he’s nothing in life, i’ll always believe in him. i told him not to worry about comparing himself to the other guys i hang out with, of changing himself to be good enough for me because he is perfect just the way he is. his enthusiasm for life is great, his adventurous nature, his compassion for people he cares about and just the fact that he is always there is what makes him special. in seventh grade when i was sad and lost in life, he took a chance and told me that he believed in me and didn’t listen when others laughed at him for taking a chance. i don’t think i would be the person i am today if i hadn’t met him in my life. he still continues to tell me that he knows i can stand on my own, that he believes in me, but if there is anything that is causing me sorrow or anyone who is causing me stress, i can talk to him. in fact seeing him also just cheers me up. he told me “if we could take each others’ sorrows, doubts and stress away and help each other feel spiritual love and healing, then that is the best thing that the divine ever gave us in meeting each other. we were meant to meet each other and encourage each other and if we go our separate paths, we should continue and pass on the spiritual love and healing we shared with each other.” he has taught me so much about love and believing in myself that i will spread it to others and help them as well. i love him for the person he made me become, the person he makes me be now (one that has limitless potential) and also the person i will be in the future (one who will help others).

here is another poem:

Believe

Through your darkest nights when you feel lost and alone, it take courage to keep going

But keep climbing on the steps of life

The star is at the top awaiting you

Keep your hope

And though life may not always be easy and you may fall down a stair

believe in yourself and keep climbing

The mountain can be moved through small steps

So be patient and trust yourself

Take the path less traveled

The night is always darkest before dawn

But believe and look to the stars because you are one of them

Believe you can achieve great things

Take your fear and turn it into strength, take your doubts and turn them into hopes

Go for you’re goals with all that you’ve got

You’re off to great places!

You’ll move mountain!

Just keep believing and keep going in life

he knows i’m trying to be healthy in my circulation and also in my eyesight (i’ve made some progress in my eyesight and experience less eyestrain). he continues to be encouraging and tells me that he knows i am and can be healthy, that he believes in me and it is great that i’m going into gene therapy. he is very supportive and focuses on my strengths and all that i’ve learned so far instead of all the things that i need to improve to be good enough like my parents do. he never rushes me, but always encourages me to take it few steps at a time and keep going.

thanks anita;) i found that if i can get a 4 on my two ap tests in may, i have 134 school credits total and can graduate my junior year. i wonder if this is a good idea. i think that it would be better if i told him in person. the book i am reading now is about psychology and the way your environment is affects the way you think and behave. he’s been told so many times in texts and in person by people that he isn’t good enough, that he isn’t worth anything. that is probably why when i wrote him a poem once and gave it to him, he didn’t believe the poem i wrote could be true. also, i wish i could be more simplistic in my words to him at times because i think it is hard for him to grasp the concept of love since he’s been hurt too many times. if i could tell him simply such as “you’re the reason i know what love is.” and make him understand that i truly care about him spiritually, it would help him feel less insecure about himself.

thanks anita;) i feel really sad for him because my parents can be overly critical and in seventh grade, he was the only friend i had so i know what it feels like to feel like no one cares about you and not be able to trust. he helped me become a more positive person and i wish i could give something back to him to help him with his insecurities. i think the best way to approach this is to make him laugh and talk about school and spend some time with him, just make him see that there is someone there who wants to spend time with him and be with him. and when he feels more comfortable, i would show and tell him all the things he’s done for me and tell him that someone actually cares truly about him. it can be hard to talk to each other at times because we both are busy with our schedules, me with math and science him with english and history and sometimes we have different friends whom we study with. there are times when we both regret the time that we lost getting to know each other better because of our school tasks and sometimes there are people who ridicule us for being together and it makes him quite insecure. we are from different social circles, he is an athlete and also an actor, while i’m a scientist and philosopher, so there are times when he feels insecure around me. i feel like we’ve both been betrayed so many times, it’s hard for both of us to start to develop trust and love. i feel our spiritual relationship reminds of the lines from ‘Iris’ a song by the Goo Goo Dolls which goes like this “You’re the closest to heaven… and all I can feel is this moment… all I can breathe is your laugh. And I don’t want the world to see me cause I don’t think that they’ll understand, when everything’s meant to be broken I just want you to know who I am.” I feel like we both understand and make each other feel more spiritually connected to the divine, but there are people who don’t understand our spiritual relationship and think we can’t be together because of our social circles. It’s like if we could hide ourselves away from the criticism of the world, we might be able to understand our relationship. Also the line “when everything’s meant to be broken, i just want you to know who i am” represents the betrayals we’ve both faced and the idea that we just want each other to understand the other and to be together without fear and just spiritual love. it also represents that even if things end up being broken and don’t work out at least a chance was taken to let them know that you loved that person.

Thanks anita;) i find that after being betrayed a couple of times, i seem to be afraid to open myself fully to love, i always hold back a little. i find that i really enjoy biology and chemistry especially when it applies to neuroscience. i think i am going to study neuroscience and how the brain affects our genes and our health. i wonder if there is a way i can combine gene therapy and neuroscience. i feel like that even though i have developed more confidence, there is still a part of me that is still criticizing of myself and always tries to push me down. i think the song ‘High Above Me’ by Tal Bachman describes how i sometimes feel about myself. in the song he states “She’s got the best of everything. What could a guy like me ever really offer? She’s perfect as she can be, why should I even bother, Cause she’s so high, High above me, she’s so lovely.” I feel like i’m the guy in the song who sometimes thinks that other people have so much more than i do, that they are perfect and that i’ll never be that way. i think that is why i’m so shy around my special friend at times because i think that i have nothing to offer, that he is just so much better than me. also in the song it states “I know right where I belong and nothing’s gonna happen.” i feel like he and i are in different circles, he is an athletic actor while i’m a philosopher and scientist. there are times when i feel like i am not good enough because some of my friends can grasp concepts in physics honors quite quickly while for me it takes time. i like my pre-calc teacher who goes slower and takes time to explain things. i think these days because of my intense drive and ambition to do well and my fierce competitiveness, some people seem to not like me or seems to uncomfortable around me. it’s like they don’t like the energy i radiate which is a strong will and also a developing mental power. some people think at these times when i am intensely focused and think and compete in everything and try my hardest, that i’m becoming aggressive, isolated, cold and calculating. in those times when i am experimenting with a math or science concept, i tend to enjoy having time to myself to explore, but i’m fine having friends around. the girl from the A team told me today that i was too intense in my studies and that i was scaring my friends away and just bringing more stress. i don’t think it is that at all, i think it is just that my subconscious mind is working to process lots of things and my mental drive to do well is increasing. i feel like i have withdrawn into a world of math, science and working out where i still have friends who support me, but the outside forces don’t affect me anymore. when my mom gets mad at the restaurant during rush hour, i can feel her anger, but it doesn’t affect me negatively or leave me stressed in fact it just fuels my energy and my drive to do better in school, to be healthy and to meditate. my lunch buddy says that i am looking at the world through a glass pane. i take the important stuff and i filter out the trivial stuff and the negative stuff, also sometimes using them to help me at times. he says it’s not a bad thing since it helps me focus on school and protects me from negative emotions, yet it can also make me seem closed off from people.