Resonance

I spend my time searching for the person I am deep inside

Trying to understand who I am without the expectations of the world outside

The voices of the world are like drums in my ears telling me who to be

While my heart beats out of rhythm trying to tell me that the world’s stereotypes don’t fit me

But if I don’t work on trying to find a place in their expectations, will they see me as who I want to be seen as?

Days go by and I feel like I’m trying to create a map to guide me along the way,  but I don’t think the path I follow is the one the world has

I can hear the sound of my heart beating loud and clear, wondering if the sounds that I am listening to on the inside will help me build myself up here

Looking for a way to be myself and also fit into the world, looking for something that resonates with me and who I want to be and will allow the world to still see me as a guy

Working out quite intensely as I try to make myself fit into a box of expectations that has my mind all caught in a knotted ties

I dream of finding resonance within myself so that I can find the person deep within without having all the sounds of the world

Can I find the person that I am deep within listening to the sounds of my heart with the music that unfurls?

Looking for a place in the world as I shed light on my broken pieces, hoping to heal

Sometimes I get caught in the stereotypes and the expectations because I want to be seen as a guy and then I start to wonder if I am truly real

At times I feel like the struggle to be most like a guy is making me lose touch with other things in life and that makes me fear, because I begin to worry that the struggle will make it difficult for me to move forward in life

And as I search for the parts that resonates with my inner self, there is anxiety that I am not doing enough or not enough and I am caught in my own mental strife

I want to work on finding myself and building who I am as a guy because I don’t know who I am yet, but I hope that I work out some things soon

Because I don’t want life to pass me by each day feeling like I’m not finding the things that resonates with me and that makes my heart beat anxious tunes

The irridescent glow of my soul sparks in the dark as I work on illuminating my way to help me through each day hoping that I find what I can resonate with so I don’t fade away

I am letting myself journey inward because I don’t think that the outside expectations of gender fit me and finding myself on the inside and from the inside I hope that I find the pieces of myself that resonates with me and helps the world see who I want to be.

Dear Anita

I think that as I save up financial resources for a gender therapist, I will talk to the gender therapist about transitioning and they can refer me to medical doctors who provide testosterone hormone therapy and surgeries. I have been following the forums on Facebook about other transgender people who have transitioned and have seen the effects of the top surgeries and testosterone therapies on them. I know that testosterone therapy will cause a person’s voice to get deeper, get facial hair and also cause redistribution of fat in areas of the body. I am thinking  that with a redistribution of fat to other areas of the body, I won’t have much of a chest because some of the weight will go to other parts of the body and since testosterone therapy makes it easier to gain more muscle tone when working out I hope that with workouts I can achieve muscle tone in my body and look more masculine. In addition, since most transgender men who get testosterone therapy will grow facial hair around the span of being on testosterone on three years, they will look more masculine. Even though testosterone may not create a flat chest and most transgender men also undergo top surgery, I think that it will help alleviate the gender dysphoria because I will have physical traits of a guy like deep voice, facial hair and if the fat redistributes it may make me appear more toned when I workout.

Testosterone will allow a person to exhibit the physical characteristics of a guy, but there are some secondary characteristics that will not change with testosterone therapy. The genitals may become longer and resemble a male penis, but testosterone therapy will not change the person’s genitals unless they get bottom surgery. Therefore, the person will likely have physical traits that look masculine such as a more toned body, deeper voice and facial hair but there are some things that require surgery to change. I think that I would feel better if I started talking with a gender therapist and have them refer me to a medical doctor who can provide testosterone therapy. Some of the physical changes on testosterone therapy will help ease the gender dysphoria and I think it will be okay if I don’t have all the effects of a guy yet. My main goal is to work on building the financial resources to talking with a gender therapist and getting testosterone therapy. Usually it takes three to six months of a gender therapist appointments before transgender people get a referral for medical doctors to prescribe testosterone therapy. If the person has intense gender dysphoria and is certain that there life would improve with testosterone therapy then the wait is usually three months. The medical doctors tell the transgender person about the risks of testosterone therapy such as the person’s increase risk for stroke, heart disease or mood changes and the transgender person signs off that they are aware of the risks and still want to continue to testosterone therapy. The medical doctors will monitor the testosterone levels of the person every five weeks to make sure that there are no adverse side effects and to make sure that the testosterone levels are just high enough for that of a healthy guy which is around 70 mg. After a person has spent three years on testosterone and has lived as a guy and is comfortable with it, they can opt for surgery to help make the changes that testosterone didn’t change such as getting top surgery to make their chest flatter or bottom surgery to construct a penis. I have heard from other transgender men on the Facebook “Binder Boys” group who have transitioned that before surgery, the medical doctors provide people with a picture of what they will look like and how the surgery will go. There may be surgery scars depending on how much of the chest fat is removed to create a more masculine chest and people with smaller chests often have smaller scars. The surgery scars usually heal and fade with time, but if the surgery occurs after the person is thirty or older than some of the scars will still be there. I don’t think that I would mind having surgery scars though because I would be happy to have a masculine chest. I think that my gender dysphoria comes from the idea that I am still saving up financial resources for testosterone therapy and since I don’t have it yet, I feel gender dysphoria about myself. I am consistently wearing looser clothes to make sure that there are no curves that show and I often work out so that I can lose some weight and look more toned and masculine. I have been using meditation to help me deal with my anxiety because there are times when I worry about my body. I think that with testosterone therapy I will feel more comfortable with myself because my body will start to change and become more masculine. I have heard from other transgender men who have taken testosterone therapy that it takes three weeks for the full effects of testosterone such as the deepening of the voice because during the first stages the voice begins to crack in pitch before it starts to stabilize and it takes a while for the fat to be redistributed to other parts of the body bur working out helps with that. I think that I am currently not comfortable with myself and my body because of my physical appearance and sometimes the dysphoria is very intense that it causes me to exercise a lot and restrict certain foods. I am hoping to work on building a daily meditation practice to reduce my anxiety and work on healing my body from the strain I have put on it so that my mind will be able to think about the path and so I will have the strength to go for the testosterone therapy. Since testosterone therapy will allow me to develop some of the physical traits of a guy, it will make me feel more comfortable about myself because currently I still experience gender dysphoria at times with my body. Likewise, testosterone after being on it for six years will cause the person’s menstrual cycle to stop and I think that would be a good thing for me as well because I often feel more dysphoria about myself during those times. Although the changes that are brought on by testosterone therapy will take some time and other changes like chest tone and genitals require surgery I think that I would be comfortable if I was talking with a gender therapist and working on transitioning because just the idea of working towards who I want to be makes me feel better. It is difficult now because I am still working through my college education and working on a career path that will give me financial stability to transition. There are times when the gender dysphoria can be rough and I worry about my body. Therefore I think that learning as much as I can about transitioning from others and looking at transgender people resources has been helpful as I work my way up and meditation helps with the dysphoria. The gender dysphoria will still be there, and I have to find ways to cope with it and heal myself from the strain of over-exercise and food restriction so that I can have a clear mindset to go for my goals. I think that the gender dysphoria will likely fade away when I am in the transition process and I find that currently I can work on taking steps alleviate the stress. I try to express myself as masculine as possible wearing dark, casual clothes that are a bit loose to make sure that there are no curves showing and I also chest bind to make my chest look flatter. The chest binder makes me have to take deep breaths so I can get enough air into my lungs to breathe and sometimes it feels a bit tight. Sometimes I dislike having to put on a chest binder because it makes me feel like I have to hide my chest and it makes it feel like I have to acknowledge the chest there. There are times when I just wish I could throw on what I want and not have to worry about my body not looking masculine. This is why I yearn for testosterone therapy because it will provide me a way to have masculine physical traits and I can feel more comfortable with my body. Sometimes it makes me feel cautious when I am talking to others in person because I want to make sure to not let them know a lot about me so that they might assume my gender because that would make  me uncomfortable. Sometimes I will have a great conversation with a person and then they will go to say Thank you and want to include a gender reference such as sir or ma’am and it always makes me feel anxious when they look at me and wonder about me. Since people don’t really have a habit of asking people what gender references they prefer, I often find myself ffeeling anxious hoping that the person talked to refers to me as sir. I think that when I have testosterone therapy and will have facial hair and a deeper voice, it will be easier for people to see me as a guy without questioning it. Because currently although I express myself pretty masculine with short hair, casual clothes and chest binding there are times when people question it because they wonder about my voice or lack of facial hair. I think that as I have socially transitioned for a while people are starting to not really mind my gender expression and most people have started to refer to me as a guy or they use gender neutral terms such as they/them for me which has been helpful with the gender dysphoria. Since I hope to work on the medical transition first then legally transition there are times when I feel anxious because my legal documents still say my birthname. I think that it is better to medically transition first because if a person wants to change the gender marker on their legal documents they need a gender therapist to sign and they need to be on testosterone for at least a year before they can change the gender marker on their legal documents. So I am thinking of saving money to medically transition and once I have been on testosterone for a while I can legally change my name and my gender marker at the same time and only have to pay the court costs once because you need to go to court to get a legal name change. Hope this helps! Thank you for your encouragement and for providing your advice to help me in life.

Dear Anita

I find that meditation helps me de-stress when I feel anxious. I am working on establishing a daily meditation practice and I find that it helps me have better mental clarity. The gender dysphoria is still there and I am aware of it but with meditation I can bring awareness to the gender dysphoria and tell myself that it’s okay and work on counting my breath. I often use my breath as an anchor when I feel anxious by imagining my inhale as inhaling positive energy and exhaling negative energy. I often inhale for a count of four and let out the breath for an exhale to the count of six and I imagine myself letting go of my anxiety and I envision a male role model that I look up to such as Harry Potter and I find that it helps. I imagine that with each inhale, I am bringing in positive qualities of the male role model I admire and with each exhale I am working on poking holes through the gender dysphoria. The gender dysphoria is like clouds in the blue sky of my mind and sometimes there are many clouds of anxious dysphoria that it blocks the blue skies in my mind and I become anxious. So I have been working on meditation to imagine the gender dysphoria as clouds that darken the skies in my mind and when the gender dysphoria comes and makes it difficult to concentrate, I say to it “it’s okay that I’m feeling anxious now. I’ll be okay. I embrace the feeling. The gender dysphoria is like clouds passing by in the sky and it’s okay.” Then having acknowledged the gender dysphoria, I imagine that I am taking a pin and poking a hole in each cloud of gender dysphoria that darkens the blue skies of peace in my mind and as the clouds of gender dysphoria dissipate I imagine a warm sunlight shining through illuminating my mind and helping me lessen the gender dysphoria I have. And I tell myself “It’s okay. Some days there will be clouds of gender dysphoria keeping my mind from being at peace. But each cloud has a silver lining and the sunlight will shine again helping clear my mind.” I find that meditation helps increase my focus and work on lessening the gender dysphoria so it is not too overwhelming. The gender dysphoria will always be there until I start to transition and then it may start to fade away once I start testosterone therapy but currently I am working on making it so that the gender dysphoria doesn’t overwhelm my mind and cause me to feel so strained. I am hoping that with more meditation practice I can work on building my strength to stay strong when people question my gender identity and possibly improve my communication skills when explaining to people in person because meditation will provide me with more mental awareness so that I am not completely lost in gender dysphoria. There will be times when the gender dysphoria will be overwhelming and I will have to take a break and cry to let things out and I think that that’s okay. I find that it is better to let my emotions out in healthy ways rather than holding them in because they might erupt like a volcano when the pressure builds up or if a person buries the feelings they will feel numb and I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to bury the feelings under like burying rocks underneath sands in an ocean because a wave might bring them up again, so I think that it’s best to work on releasing the tensions and not letting them build. I am grateful to have this Tinybuddha forum to help me express my thoughts and work on myself. Thank you for your advice and for spreading your positivity into my life. I think that some transgender people do develop eating disorders such as anorexia to cope with their gender dysphoria and the anorexia gives them a way to control how their bodies look. They think that they can exercise and restrict their foods and possibly find a way to control how their body looks and ease their gender dysphoria because if their bodies look skinnier they will have less curves and look more masculine and so anorexia is quite common amongst transgender men. On the Facebook forum “Binder Boys” where transgender men share their experiences with each other, I have met three other transgender men who have struggled with anorexia. Another thing about anorexia is that since transgender people don’t feel fully connected with their bodies because they feel like their bodies don’t look the way they want to in their minds is that they will become anorexic to feel like they can influence their bodies in some way and possibly feel more of a connection to it because by regulating the exercise and food their bodies take in they think that they have some sense of connection and control over their bodies because most of the time they feel like they don’t belong in the body that they were born with. Anorexia can be a way for transgender men to find a sense of control in their bodies and feel like they are actually there in their bodies experiencing life because sometimes the emotional pain of gender dysphoria can cause transgender people to dissociate from their bodies and feel detached from it and with anorexia they can feel physically what they are doing to their bodies and it gives them a sense that they are real and sometimes helps them from feeling numb when they start to detach from their bodies because the physical exertion of the body sometimes brings their awareness back to their bodies. It is like trying to substitute emotional pain with physical pain because physical pain is easier to deal with since you can heal from cuts or bruises but emotional pain takes more time. So some transgender people may become anorexic as a way to cope with the emotional pain of gender dysphoria and give them a sense of self when they feel detached from their bodies because the physical exertion provides some feeling to stop them from trying to dissociate and numb things down. In addition, the anorexia seems as a sense of a protection against the loss of self if a transgender person decides to dissociate from their bodies because the anorexia provides a way for the transgender person to try to put what they feel into the strain of their body and with that even though they have emotional pain some of it is expressed through anorexia and it seems to give them a way to express their inner emotional pain on the outside by putting their bodies under strain because they believe that by putting the pain into the physical body it may be easier to deal with rather than holding the pain inside or numbing it down because emotional pain on the inside is difficult and numbing it down can cause a person to feel like they aren’t really living in their bodies. Therefore, although not all transgender people experience eating disorders such as anorexia, eating disorders are common amongst the transgender community because they sometimes seek ways to express their emotional pain and find a way to control how their bodies look since they are uncomfortable with their bodies. Gender dysphoria varies in intensity amongst transgender people and some transgender people may have intense dysphoria that causes them much stress and can interfere with normal daily tasks thinking and for those transgender people they often benefit from therapist appointments, and having resources to help them with their dysphoria because it can be intense at times. The transgender people with intense dysphoria are more likely to develop eating disorders to help them with their emotional stress and have higher chances of becoming severely depressed. Cognitive behavioral therapy can help transgender people with intense dysphoria work on developing healthy ways to express their feelings. Some cognitive behavioral therapies include listening to music to help the brain focus on something else besides the dysphoria, working on acknowledging the dysphoria and seeing what triggers there might be and reducing the triggers or helping the person imagine a safe space when in an environment/situation that might trigger their gender dysphoria, and possibly just letting the person cry and release the tension and then have them write about their feelings when they are calmer. Some cognitive behavioral therapy suggests having transgender people write about their feelings so that they can get them out on paper and then say “I acknowledge these feelings. I am okay. I may not feel okay now, but my heart is beating and I am still breathing and it will be okay.” It may be helpful for the person to focus their attention on their heart beat or breath because it draws awareness away from the dysphoria and turns it to more simpler which can help the person relax. In addition,another technique is after acknowledging the dysphoria is to look at what you (the transgender person) wrote and have them scrunch up that paper and throw it into the trash and have them imagine that they are releasing the tension. Then have them take deep breaths and think about with each exhale of letting go of the tension. Then after they feel less tense then they can write a story about how they want to be and have them make it descriptive and imagine that as they write the words on paper that they are creating what they want. These are some of the cognitive behavioral therapy tips that I have learned from the counselors at Stockton University that I ffind helpful and I am working on using them to help me because my dysphoria is quite intense and I am working on not letting it overwhelm me. I don’t want to be lost in gender dysphoria that I lose sense of the daily life tasks that I want to learn learn so that I can thrive in life. There are some transgender people who have lesser degree of dysphoria than me and even though they may have difficult times in life with their gender dysphoria their anxiety doesn’t limit them so much that they will lose focus when concentrating on daily tasks so I think that they have it slightly easier emotionally but I am certain that on certain days their dysphoria may be greater than other days so those transgender people with a lesser degree of gender dysphoria may experience discomfort but not so intense that it causes them to fall into a depression. The transgender people with intense dysphoria often benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy and with transitioning they often feel the most happier with themselves. They know that transitioning won’t solve all their problems such as financial budgeting, but it can make the gender dysphoria fade so that they feel less stressed in life and since they are more comfortable with themselves they will have a better mindset to focus on tasks. The transgender people who have intense dysphoria yearn to transition because they want to live life being comfortable with themselves and they don’t want to watch life pass  them by lost in gender dysphoria so their main focus is to get as much resources as possible and to start transitioning as early as when they are able to. They know that testosterone therapy has its risks and they acknowledge it as well as acknowledging the risks of the surgery but they think that it’s worth it to make themselves feel comfortable with their bodies. Currently meditation is a way for me to ease my intense gender dysphoria. I have been following a regular workout routine to help me with my health and taking breaks from working out as well as not working out to the extreme by reducing the number of workout reps that I do. I have a workout app that provides me with workouts workouts that help work my entire body and they only last for thirty- forty five minutes so that I get a healthy workout without straining myself too much. Likewise, I have been eating six small meals a day and making sure that I drink at least four cups of water. I work on eating healthy with oatmeal for breakfast, apple for a snack, salad with nuts or hard-boiled eggs for lunch, orange for a snack, and seafood/seaweed soup for dinner. The nutritionist at Stockton University that I saw when I was taking classes in the fall semester was very helpful in helping me build healthy meal plans and they provided advice on eating light meals like a protein bar, some nuts and fruits when on-the-go or when anxious to help keep blood sugar levels stable and to keep energy levels stable as well. I learned a lot from the nutritionist at Stockton University and even though I am on winter break until January 14th and won’t have appointments until the Spring semester starts,  I have learned a great deal that has helped me work on my health. Even though gender dysphoria may be difficult at times, I want to have health so that I have the energy to go for my goals. And with meditation and some of the cognitive behavioral therapy tips I learned from Stockton University counselors I  hope to make my gender dysphoria easier to cope with so that I don’t get so caught up in it that it becomes difficult to focus on daily tasks. I have been actively following the Facebook group “Binder Boys ” because they provide support and advice for transgender men who are working on transitioning. I am also keeping up-to-date on news about the transgender community and reading online links to build my knowledge. Just today (December 31st), I learned that transgender people experience “cognitive dissonance” which is a term to describe that how transgender people perceive themselves in their minds is different from how their bodies look and this causes them to feel disconnected from their bodies which results in symptoms of anxiety and gender dysphoria. Since transgender people experience cognitive dissonance they feel like how they see and identify themselves as in their minds doesn’t match how their bodies look and this causes them major distress known as gender dysphoria. Transgender people identify in their minds as the opposite gender from the one they were born as and it is the mismatch of who they see themselves as and who they want to be in their minds that is different from how their bodies look that makes them experience cognitive dissonance that results in gender dysphoria because they feel like they don’t belong in their current bodies and the discomfort makes them want to transition so that their bodies match how they see themselves in their minds. More knowledge is being amassed on the transgender community and it is fascinating to explore and with new advances in knowledge the world may may gain awareness about transgender people and work on helping them through their struggles. The transgender community has the highest rates of suicide aat 43% which is higher than other members in the LGBTQ community. To put this into perspective,  that means at least one out of every three transgender people will attempt suicide which is pretty significant. Therefore with more knowledge and awareness of the transgender community I hope that transgender people will receive more support and the rates of suicide will decrease.

I am grateful to have friends like you who help me keep striving during the difficult times. Thank you so much Anita for your advice and encouragement that provides a light in the darkness to illuminate my way  when I feel lost. Friends  like you have helped make life meaningful and help me strive to become a better person each. Thank you for being the special soul you are and for spreading your positivity into my life. May the new year bring you blessings of abundance, love and light to heal your sorrows.

I hope that with a daily meditation practice that I can make gender dysphoria easier to cope with and feel less anxious when around people who may question my gender identity. I think that wearing looser clothing helps and I have chest binders that bind my chest relatively well that are much less tighter and I often use them when I am working out because it is easier to workout in them. When I am out in public I will wear a tighter chest binder so that my chest looks completely flat and I will take slow, deep breaths so that my lungs get enough oxygen.

Have a great New Year,  hope things make sense .  Thank  you so much for your encouragement.

Dear Anita

Thank you so much for your advice. I enjoy reading about other transgender men who have dysphoria because it helps me understand my feelings and feel less alone. There are times when I wonder if my path for scientific research is just so that I can earn steady income to work on transitioning. Although I enjoy learning about scientific studies and advances in scientific technology, sometimes the research reports that I have to write about the experiments for labs that I do can be stressful. I enjoy doing the laboratory experiments and learning new things about DNA structure and chemistry of the molecules in the body, but writing lab reports to analyze the results of the experiments and making sure all the data is reported accurately and in a specific format makes me anxious sometimes. Since I tend to be a creative person who likes to experiment and learn new things, I like the research and the lab experiments part but when it comes to analyzing the results and the graphs that I have of the data collected to put in a report I sometimes find myself doubting myself. I worry that I won’t be able to write the format of the report correctly and I worry that the results that I got may not be ideal and it makes me feel anxious that I am not as smart as the other students who are analyzing the lab data. I think that my gender dysphoria makes me feel anxious and doubt myself many times and I often find myself criticizing myself when I feel like I feel like I’m not doing everything well. Such as if I make a small mistake in a calculation for a graph I will feel anxious. I know that I enjoy the transgender community and feel like I belong there and I don’t have doubts about transitioning even though I am still working on building up the pieces. I know that I enjoy Buddhist wiccan and meditation and it helps me work on better understanding myself. But when it comes to scientific research, I think I like the research and the creative aspects of doing the experiments and exploring the techniques more than I like analyzing things so sometimes I tend to doubt myself as a scientist. There are times when I think that I would also make a good spiritual counselor for the transgender community and with my poems I could spread positivity to them so I consider being a writer. The writing skills helps with lab reports and scientific research essays but I feel like I am more of a creative writer than an analytical writer which is why it takes more time for me to write lab reports than it does to write poetry even though I am interested in both science and spirituality poems. I feel more connected with working on my spiritual self because I want to feel comfortable on the inside with myself which is why I feel like the meditations and the transitioning seems to fit better with me in helping me understand myself. Although I like science, sometimes I feel like although the research is fun it can be too analytical and logical at times and I sometimes want to find a balance between the analytical skills of looking at data and the creative process of experimenting. I think that my main focus in life is to be comfortable with myself and I think that transitioning is the main goal for me and working on my spiritual growth is another. I feel like I just need enough in life for those two main goals to feel like my life is fulfilling. Science is fascinating and allows me to understand the world, but it is a third goal compared to working on my spiritual self and transitioning. This is why I feel like sometimes I don’t really belong in the world because I don’t feel like I have a place in the world since I don’t want any material gain I just want to feel alive in myself.

Here is a meditation poem I wrote:

Thoughts drift like clouds in my mind

Some of these thoughts may be unkind

Blocking out the clear blue skies in my mind and making peace hard to find

Imagining the breath as a wind pushing the thoughts aside helps me feel more focused inside

Thoughts come and go as the breath of the wind blows them to and fro

I find myself not getting tangled in my thoughts and just letting them pass like clouds in the sky and with each breath I blow the negative thoughts so they go “Bye-bye”

Although I may get lost in thoughts and anxiety at times, I know that I can refocus on my breath and accept the thoughts as they pass and with each meditation I hope to heal myself back to my prime