Dear Anita

So my finals went well. I received a 100 on my Art History and US History III final on May 9th. For my Chemistry II final on May 15th I received a 85. I am sad that I received a 65 on my Chemistry II lab exam, but it was difficult. I am glad my overall Chemistry II grade (class plus the lab) is a B. The Spring semester ended May 15th and I am working on my summer physics course that runs from 5/20- 6/25. Physics is quite difficult and it is hard to start the problems by yourself so I often work with the tutors at Ocean County College and my classmates which helps a lot. Most of the physics problems require many steps and rearrangements of different equations and sometimes it can be hard to figure out which equations to use or how to manipulate the equations to get to what you want to solve for. My classmates and the tutors are great and we form study groups to help each other and also encourage each other when we feel stressed. During my physics class, I will feel anxious sometimes and feel like I’m losing myself because the professor goes quite fast and doesn’t give much time for students to process the material. The professor covers a chapter each day which is why I am working with my classmates and the tutors to keep on track of things. It can be difficult to see the board when the professor writes small, writes subscripts/superscripts, symbols, and in the colors red or green. I mostly re-outline my notes after class using the PowerPoint slides and the book and work on teaching myself the notes I may have missed in class because I do miss some notes or write an equation wrong because the professor goes fast and it can be difficult to see what he’s writing sometimes. But I am keeping hope and hoping I do well in the class. Currently each homework assignment with practice problems is a struggle so I have to work on it with other people. Sometimes I feel like I am not as smart as others because there are concepts people understand that I don’t and it takes me longer to do some problems than other people so that makes me anxious sometimes. The colleges (Stockton  University, Rowan University and Rowan University) I’ve applied to require physics class to transfer so I have to take the class to get into the genetic engineering program. I have been meditating and practicing mindfulness of being grateful for the things out in nature to reduce my stress and it helps. But the stress is still there and it is sometimes quite straining so I have to take a break and rest to recharge myself. My biggest fear is not living my life meaningfully before passing away. I want to appreciate each day and the beautiful nature that surrounds me and live each moment going for my dreams. The idea of living a life unfulfilled scares me because I don’t want to be at the end of my life and have regrets of not achieving what I set myself to do. This causes me to have an ambitious drive to keep going for my goals every day in my life because I want to achieve all that I am capable of before passing away. I want to feel truly alive and feel like I lived each moment to the fullest. Not every day will be good and that’s okay. But I just want to live in appreciation of the nature around me, the goals of being a scientist and being a Buddhist wiccan and be spiritually aware of myself. I want to make sure that I live a life of purpose and that I make a difference in the world and help the ones I love realize how special they are to me. I want to feel like I’m not just going through the motions in the world, and looking at things beneath the surface truly feeling like I’m living. And I want to let my friends know how much they mean to me and how they keep me going through the tough times. Thank you for being the special souls you are and for encouraging me as I am working on building myself. I am still working on different parts of myself that still need improvement, but friends like you all help me feel better about myself. I am grateful to have all your support as I work on understanding myself and healing in my life. Hope you all live the best lives you all possibly can and thank you for spreading your positivity into mine.

Dear Anita

That was a friendship blessing to you because you are a special person who brightens my life just by being who you are, may your heart shine bright like a star. When the days seem dark and dreary, remember that spark in your heart even when things are scary. May the light fall upon your path and sorrows fall away to help you in all your days. I am grateful to have a friend like you who encourages me to keep going each day, thank you for spreading your positivity my way.

Currently I am working on my summer physics course because I need it to graduate Ocean County College and transfer. The professor goes quite quickly and sometimes I feel like I’m missing notes as I am working on keeping up with the material he writes on the board because he doesn’t give much time before he moves on to another idea. The diagrams and the work for each problem cover a whole board and as I am working on writing it all down, he is moving on to another topic. He has started writing bigger because other students have had trouble seeing the small symbols and subscripts/superscripts and that helps. The class is Mondays through Wednesdays from 11:45am-2:15pm which is a long time and sometimes I feel myself feeling tired and strained from thinking so long and I feel like I missed some notes. Sometimes I feel inadequate because other people may understand a topic and I will struggle with it. The tutors at Ocean County College are helpful in helping me with the homework problems and the classmates help me understand the labs. However, the exams are the things pulling down my grade because it takes a lot of practice to fully understand how to approach a problem and I sometimes struggle with the practice problems. My first exam grade was a 25/60 which makes my overall grade currently a 59 which is not good. The exams have four questions and students pick three for the professor to grade. After the exam, the professor offers “Mulligans” where the students can work on a problem that they got wrong to regain half the points they missed  as well as the problem that they didn’t pick on the exam for three points on the board in his office while he watches. The “Mulligans” add points to your exam score, but students need to understand how to explain the problem to the professor to get the points back and I am not sure if I know enough to explain things and having the professor watch me solve the problem gives me a bit of anxiety. The deadline for “Mulligans” for the exam that I recently took is Tuesday June 11th. I know that if I do “Mulligans” I may be more likely to pass the class because I will be able to get points back on my exam that I missed. However most of the problems that I missed, I still struggle with and I am not sure if I can explain things well enough to get the points back and I don’t want the professor to think that I am not smart enough for physics or something of that nature. My homework and lab grades are good, but the main thing is my exam grades. I am thinking of trying to work on the exam over the weekend and seeing how far I can go and asking the professor if I can do “Mulligans” for the exam on Monday.  Since “Mulligans” are optional, I am also considering the option of studying better for my other two upcoming exams and working on my homework and lab grades and thinking of not doing “Mulligans” for this exam but I don’t like the calculations for my grade if I don’t do “Mulligans” for this exam so I’m feeling a bit stuck.

I know that Rutgers University and Rowan University require physics class to transfer so I hope I do well. Rowan University is awaiting my physics class to be completed before they make an admissions decision. The physics course will be completed June 25th. I recently sent my Spring semester grades to Rutgers University and it’s been a week and the portal still says that they don’t have them so I sent them an email and if they don’t receive them by Monday I think I will call Rutgers Admissions because I know I sent them. I already sent my Spring semester grades to Rowan University and they are just awaiting my physics class to be finished and the grades whereas Rutgers University says they will base their admissions decisions on my Spring semester grades. I know I’ve already been accepted into Stockton University so if I don’t hear from Rutgers University or Rowan University by mid July I have to register for classes at Stockton University because the deadline to register for classes is August 1st . There’s the chance that Rutgers will likely notify me around August into September, but I don’t think I can wait that long or else I will end up forfeiting my admission to Stockton University. I hope that Rutgers University will notify me earlier than that date because that university is my main choice for my career path. Rowan University will likely notify me around July and it’s possible that I might have time to consider Rowan University, but if it comes to mid July and I don’t have a response I think I will register for classes at Stockton University so at least I’ll have a four year university to transfer to.

Hope to hear from you and thank you Anita for your advice!

Dear Anita

Thank you so much for your response. It’s great to have a person to talk to help relieve some stress. I wish the professor didn’t go so quickly and I have asked him about why he covers the material so quickly and he says that he wants to make sure that he covers all the material that the students need before the semester is over. He mostly gives students ten minutes to understand the material and write things down before asking questions about it and then moving on. Some of the students may still be writing notes down when he moves on to another question. Also he is a tough professor because for the homework problems, he randomly picks two out of the seven that he assigns to grade and he grades those two so students hope that the two that are randomly picked are the ones that they did well on. I have been doing well in my homework problems and the labs and hoping that some classmates can help organize a study group to study for exams, but none of the students have responded to my suggestions for a study group. I am grateful that I have been accepted into Stockton University because I like the nature trails there and the community is friendly, but Stockton University doesn’t have the genetic engineering career I am interested in so my main choice is Rutgers University especially for cancer research there. Physics class can be quite stressful at times and sometimes I feel like I’m losing myself in anxiety as I work on keeping up with the material and when that happens I feel more anxious because I don’t want to miss important information but I think I still miss some notes anyway because it’s hard to write down all of them and draw diagrams in a limited amount of time. I know that physics is important if I want to transfer to Rowan University because they are awaiting my physics class grades. They have told me that they’ve received my transcripts from Ocean County College including the updated Spring semester grades and that they are considering my application but admissions decisions will be after physics class is completed. For Rutgers University which I sent my transcripts updated with my Spring semester grades, I am still wondering if they received the transcript because the Rutgers portal still says “pending Spring semester grades” which are required for admissions decisions. Either way, I know that I have to pass physics for Rutgers University  and Rowan University because they require it for my degree program and I need to pass it to graduate Ocean County College. The “Mulligans” for the exams are usually during the professor’s office hours and they last from 1-2 hours where the student explains the problem to the professor to get points back and the professor listens and makes comments. The student schedules a time with the professor when they want to do the “Mulligans.” For the first exam, I didn’t do well on question 1 and didn’t do question 4 so I have the option of reviewing it over by myself and then asking the professor for an appointment to do “Mulligans” on those two problems to get points added to my exam score. This will help boost my grade, however most of the problems take at most 7-72 hours to work on by yourself and I have other assignments to work on as well. I don’t want to have a bad grade in physics so I am considering the option of doing “Mulligans” for the exam, but it takes time to prepare and understand the problem before presenting it to the professor. I also have homework problems due Tuesday  and Wednesday as well  as exam 2 on Wednesday that I am working on. I am afraid that if I don’t do “Mulligans” for exam 1, my physics grade won’t be great but if I do work on preparing for “Mulligans” I limit my time spent to work on homework problems and to study for exam 2. The exams are 45% of the grade and there are only three of them each at 15%. The homework problems which I am doing well on are 30% of the grade and the labs are 25%. If I don’t attempt “Mulligans” for any of the exams I’m afraid that I won’t pass the class. I am hoping that I do better on the next two upcoming exams and thinking that I could sign up for “Mulligans” for exam 1 for Monday which will give me a chance to work on preparing over the weekend.

Dear Anita

I think I will review the content that I missed on exam 1 over the weekend and see how far I get and if it is sufficient enough I may attempt “Mulligans” with  the professor on Monday. The professor is a bit intimidating though and sometimes when I feel anxious and seem to drift off in class he will tap his marker (the one he uses to write on the board) on the table and it makes me jump inside a bit. He doesn’t really say much when explaining things to students and gives brief explanations which is why when I don’t understand a subject I will go to the tutors first so I can get a grasp on it before asking him a question because his explanations are short and simple so a student needs to understand most of it before asking him a question about something they don’t understand. He is a bit more laid-back in his office when not teaching, but I’ve only been in his office with a classmate to ask about homework because I still feel jumpy about going to his office and working on things one-on-one with him. I think that if I struggle with something that may seem obvious, he will think that physics may be too difficult for me and I don’t have the mindset for it. He has a specific way of teaching and is very serious about teaching the subject. Most of the class time is spent understanding how to manipulate equations for a problem rather than explaining how to approach different problems. He does show the instructions on how to approach a problem, but doesn’t explain them fully and goes into many practice problems which are mostly manipulating equations and drawing diagrams. I wish he explained things better such as explained problem solving strategies and hit the key points that could help students solve problems rather than just jumping to problems and drawing diagrams and manipulating equations. He will show us how the equations are manipulated and how to go from one equation to another and how to draw a diagram representing what the problem depicts and then he will start writing notes and solving the problem quite quickly giving brief explanations for the parts and then move on to the next problem without explaining much about how some things were known or how a person would get that from the problem. He also makes students question themselves by asking questions that make them think and don’t lead to a straightforward answer. This can be good because it helps people develop critical thinking, but it also makes students doubt themselves and wonder if they are right. For example, if a student responds to a question he poses with an answer he will question that student and ask questions and see if the student changes their answers and sometimes they do. Oftentimes the student picks an answer that makes sense and after some questioning from the professor, they doubt themselves and change the answer and it makes the person seem like the approaches that they considered for the problem may not be correct. Sometimes the student’s answer is wrong and the  professor wants the student to think their way to the answer, other times the student is right and the professor wants them to back up their answer. He never really has a straightforward way to help students know if they are correct and that can be difficult when students are solving problems and he has a specific way of teaching the problems that doesn’t explain how each thing correlates to each other so a student can understand how to approach other problems but just explains things in a simplest way. I think that the professor is smart but his teaching style is a bit difficult. He says it takes 7-72 hours to work on physics and truly understand it but since there is not much time in a semester he has to cover the material at a faster rate. I am thinking that if I don’t feel comfortable doing “Mulligans” to see how it will affect my grade. There’s a chance that I could work on doing better on the other two exams. I am hoping for a C or higher in the class so it can transfer.

Dear Anita

Hope you have a good weekend and take care of yourself! Thank you for your advice and I am thinking of working on doing better on the other two exams. I don’t think I’m comfortable with doing “Mulligans” with the professor. I am going to meditate a little to help relieve my stress and use a guided meditation to help set positive intentions because I hope that things work out for the best.

Dear Anita

Since my second physics exam score wasn’t the best, I received a 12/60 on it and my physics grade currently is a 53.25. I only have four more days of physics (June 18th, June 19th, June 24th and June 25th). I hope that I can pass the physics class because I want to graduate Ocean County College and transfer to a four year university. I sent Rutgers University an email asking about whether my Spring semester grades were sent in to them and they haven’t responded and it has been a week since I sent them the email. I also called the admissions office and I didn’t get a response.  I think after my physics class is finished, I will send Rutgers University another final copy of my transcripts and hope to hear from them. I hope that I pass physics because Rowan University requires physics class and it is my second choice. I know that if I don’t pass physics, then Rutgers University and Rowan University may not accept me. Stockton University has accepted me and I want to enroll in classes there (if I don’t hear from Rutgers or Rowan, I will go to Stockton) for the Fall 2019 semester. However, if I don’t pass physics, I have to retake it at Ocean County College in the fall 2019 and move my enrollment to Spring 2020. I am worried that I won’t be able to get into any of the colleges or that Stockton will reconsider admitting me and rescind my application and I won’t have a college to transfer to if I don’t pass physics. I am only 7 points away from passing the class, the lowest passing grade is a 60 but for the credits to transfer students need at least a 70 or higher. I think that if I get a 90 on my final, I may be able to get a 70 in the class. I know that I have missed three assignments and I hope they don’t impact my grade a lot. Currently I feel strained and like I’m stuck and I find myself hating myself at times because I feel like I’m failing at my life’s goals and that’s what scares me. I don’t want to fall behind in life and at the end of life feel like I didn’t achieve what I wanted to. What scares me most is not achieving the goals in life that I want especially transitioning to male, establishing a strong spiritual path and growth and becoming a genetic engineer. I worry sometimes that my life will be endless striving and I don’t want that. I want to feel like I’m alive in life, living in the moment feeling happy with myself. Currently I have dysphoria from my gender identity and also feeling worried about my career path because it seems to depend so much on this physics class. I decided to take a break from classes today because yesterday I was tired, irritated and I cried so I told my professor that I am taking today and tomorrow off because my mind needs a break. I am thinking of meditating and taking a walk out in nature to help relax. I feel bad for missing three assignments and doing badly on the exams, it makes me feel like I’m not good enough for the class. I do wish the teacher reviewed more before the exams and gave more explanations for the problems. Covering three chapters of material in three days is quite straining. I have a friend who is helping tutor me and it is helpful, but he doesn’t explain things much and goes quite fast. He makes the topic more simpler though and will explain it again if you need help, so he helps a bit. The tutors at my college are the most helpful, but there is only one physics tutor and I feel bad for always pestering him because he can be busy at times. Looking for advice, thank you for your encouragement Anita. Hope you have a good week ahead!