Later during the day (past Saturday), two customers were in my restaurant at 9PM (hour before closing). And one was short and blonde wearing a light colored sweater and jeans while the other was tall, had black hair and wore black athletic wear (nylon sweatpants and sweater). I think the athletic wear was a soccer outfit, so they may have just finished a soccer game. Both people were good friends and as I listened to their conversation I couldn’t help feeling like they reminded me of two halves of myself. It was like I was seeing two people who were mirrors of how I could be at times in my life. The blonde and short person was giving advice to the taller black haired one. Both were biologically female, but I think that the one who had black hair and was wearing athletic wear may have been questioning their gender identity. Anyway, I heard them both talking. I am going to use person 1 to refer to the blonde haired and short person and person 2 to refer to the tall black haired person. I don’t want to misgender anyone or confuse you with the appearances. So person 2 (tall, black-haired) was crying and I felt compassion for them. They were telling their friend (person 1) how they felt like they were losing themselves in their life and didn’t see a purpose in it. They said that they were stressed about school work and wasn’t sure if their friends were really helping or adding to the stress. They were afraid that they weren’t going anywhere in life, but trying their best yet still feeling empty inside. They talked about how they had a relationship for ten years and the person they were dating died in a car crash when an alcoholic person hit their partner and how they felt sad. They also talked about how they didn’t really understand their role in society and wondered if what they were learning was going to help them or if they would know how to use it. They told their friend that they didn’t understand their gender identity and felt overwhelmed with the stereotypes of society and felt like they were losing themselves each day. They didn’t understand who they were anymore and didn’t feel like they were living the right life.

Hearing person 1 (black hair and tall) talking about their struggles filled me with compassion and I felt like I was looking at myself when I am in my darkest moments. Anyway I love their friend’s response.  Person 2 (their friend who is blonde and short) told them that life is a journey of trials and tribulations. Sometimes you may fall apart and life feels meaningless but you are still alive and can experience things. Pain comes into a person’s life to help them work on improving themselves and make them understand where they need to reflect on who they are. Person 2 understood that person 1 was struggling and gave great advice to help person 1. And it helped person 1 because they started to cheer up a bit. Person 2 (blonde hair and short) told person 1 that no matter what happens, that they are beautiful and that person 2 will always be there for them. Person 2 also said that although you may miss the person you lost, sometimes life is touched with rain and you are have holes in your self, but those spaces give you room to grow. Through pain, we become more aware of ourselves and through the sadness we learn to appreciate what we have. Person 2 told person 1 that they are okay. They don’t have to have it all figured out now and that person 2 will always be there to help person 1. The person who is gone would want you to live your life in a way that honors them and you should build yourself up because then you have strength. Person 2 told person 1 that everything happens for a reason and that they should live their life in a way that honors the person they lost. The other person’s life was short so you should appreciate each moment and build yourself up. Allow the people who passed away to live through you and keep striving for your goals. Honor them by being who you are. The love that they gave you and the memories that you created won’t fade, so treasure them and build yourself up. It may be difficult now, but you’re not alone. Person 2 told person 1 that they were going to stand together and help each other through. And that person 1 can build themselves up to stand tall and work on making their life meaningful because life has so much to offer and each day is different and the universe keeps changing so it’s important not to give up and take each moment as a tribute to those you love and treat yourself the best because you are special and life is short.

Before they left, person 1 (black hair and tall) looked at me and I felt like we were sharing pieces of our soul, like we were seeing ourselves in each other and we both felt compassion. Person 2 (blonde hair and short) told me to take care of myself and not stress myself too much with friends and school work and take time to look at the things that matter and work on uplifting myself and others.

Person 1 (tall, black-haired) reminds me of who I am when I am lost in gender dysphoria while person 2 (blonde hair and short) reminds me of the hope I have and the advice I give to others and when I feel like I am working towards who I am. Both represent two halves of myself, one during my darkest days and the other the light that comes back after being lost in the darkness. It was like I was seeing myself reflected in two different people. Although I didn’t have a person die in a car crash, I have lost someone I care about to suicide. I have moments lost in gender dysphoria when I see myself as person 1 and that customer who was in my restaurant is a reflection of myself. At other times when I’m encouraging myself and others, I am person 2. So it was like I was seeing two people who were like me and that they were two halves of myself and this experience allowed me to look at people in a new light. Everyone has a story and is struggling in some way. People are more alike than they seem and we all feel sadness and it’s important to tell someone that they are valuable because that person may need it. People don’t have to be afraid of others (unless there’s an actual threat to safety), but they can reach out to them and better understand the world around them and who they are as well. People shouldn’t be afraid to reach out and connect with others because we are all human beings having a purpose and sometimes the person you reach out to can make a difference in the life of you and them. So after this encounter, I decided to spend the week ahead spreading positivity to people. I told people to have a good day and I felt content to look upon the smiles I got from people. One person told me that I was a blessing and that they were glad to have met me and this was yesterday. It’s amazing how an act of kindness can go a long way or how the people around you can make you understand your life more. Take care of yourself Anita and keep the kindness spreading. I am grateful to have met these two people this past Saturday and also spend time with my special friend. This experience made me realize how special life is and how valuable each person is.

Dear Anita

Thank you for encouraging me and for liking my imagery. I am grateful to have your compassionate nature in my life. Thank you for helping me better understand myself and giving me courage to keep shining brighter than the doubts. I want to shine brighter and work on healing the broken pieces and be a candle in the darkness.

On this past Sunday, I was still quite happy with my recollection of Saturday’s events. And it was a great day, pretty much uneventful until 9pm when a customer came in. She had brown hair, wore a black coat was about 5 ft 7 and also had loose plain slacks and black shoes. Anyway, she wished me luck on my studying and encouraged me to be myself and said that I shouldn’t worry because I looked quite masculine and she even used the right pronouns (he/him) and gender so I was feeling pretty euphoric. She gave me a sense of confidence in myself.

Monday was mostly studying for Chemistry II and the exam wasn’t too bad. I also worked on an Art History assignment for a long time. I strained myself quite a lot on Monday with assignments without much breaks so I felt drained and cranky. So on Tuesday I decided to take breaks in between my classes so I wouldn’t feel overwhelmed and I felt my energy renewing itself. On Wednesday, I helped a person struggling with Pre-Calc at 2:30pm in the library and the math helped me with some physics concepts so it was great. Also I felt like I had a purpose in the world and was happy to help someone. Also one of my physics classmates offered to help me understand the course material and I like working with him. He has a great sense of humor and always knows how to make me laugh and feel less stressed. So on Thursday my History III professor brought bagels to the class and that was great. In Art History, I watched a movie on the building of the Parthenon in Athens, Greece and it was fascinating and a great way to destress. I also hung out with my friend from LGBTQ club in the library and we discussed popular LGBTQ books at 3pm which helped me relax before my Anatomy/Physiology II lecture class at 5pm-7:30pm on Thursdays. Also Thursday  when I went to  the gym (after US History class), I met two people who one had dark hair  and was wearing a blue sweater and sweatpants. The other was blonde haired with streaks of brown and wearing black athletic wear. Anyway, the one wearing blue was telling her friend how she enjoyed being at the gym early in the mornings because there is less people and it’s quieter and since she is a bit antisocial and doesn’t like people judging her, she likes having less people in the gym when she’s working out. I heard her and I smiled at her and told her that I can be the same way at times. She was quite happy to find someone who could connect. I told her and her friend to have a good workout and a good day.

It is snowing this Friday morning and I love snow so I am happy. The college campus opened at 9am today instead of 8am regular hours because of the snow so I got to sleep in.

Dear Anita

It’s good to have a special soul like you in my life. I applied to three universities: Stockton University, Rowan University and Rutgers University. Stockton University has accepted me and I have been working on financial aid applications with them. For Rutgers University and Rowan University, they are still awaiting my Spring semester classes to make admissions decisions. I have finished most of my classes exams and papers and only have a Chemistry II lab exam and Chemistry II lecture exam this week. There is only three days left of the Spring semester and then summer Physics course runs from May 20th through June 25th. I have prepared my notes for the summer course as well as the two exams coming up this week. I have been talking  to Ocean Crest members that help me with stress. My Ocean County College LGBTQ members help each other study for finals which is very helpful. I am hoping that after my Spring semester grades are sent, I will hear good news from Rutgers University and Rowan University. I think Rutgers University is my main choice because it offers the genetic engineering career I am interested in and there is a cancer research center that I hope to work at. Rowan University is a smaller campus than Rutgers University and offers the same genetic engineering major, but there are lesser lab research places than Rutgers so that is my second choice. As for Stockton University where I’ve already been admitted, I like the natural surroundings and the campus offers a cozy atmosphere. Stockton University is the smallest and they only have one main lab research center on campus, but it’s still pretty cool. The lab at Stockton University is small and doesn’t have many people, but researchers can study DNA molecular structure there. Although Stockton University does not have the genetic engineering degree that I am interested in, their molecular biology degree is similar and the one lab on campus allows students to learn about cells and DNA which is what genetic engineers do. Stockton University says I can enter in as a Molecular Biologist for my undergraduate studies and work in the lab and for my graduate studies transfer my credits to genetic engineering. In addition they have a partnership with Rutgers University, so if I go for Molecular Biology at Stockton University as an undergraduate study, then I can apply to Rutgers University for genetic engineering as my graduate study. It sounds good and I am considering that option, but I still want to see if Rowan University and Rutgers University will accept me so I can jump straight to genetic engineering without having to do a minor degree. Over Spring break (March 19th-25th), I finished some Chemistry II lab reports and my Art History museum presentation. March was a busy month with midterms and college applications, but I managed to get most of my assignments done. I had more exams in April especially in Anatomy/Physiology II and the colleges that I applied to were sending me emails about documents that they needed so I was working on sending them. I took my Art History final, US History III final and Anatomy/Physiology II final May 9th and handed in my US History III paper on the impact of railroads on the economy and Civil War. Mostly this week is studying for Chemistry II, my last final and preparing for summer classes. Since Spring semester ends May 15th and summer course starts May 20th, there’s not much of a break. The good thing is that in the summer I only have one class as opposed to the six classes I have for the Spring semester. I am looking forward to completing my credits at Ocean County College and transferring because I will be living either on campus at a four year university or nearby away from my parents. I may seek some internships so I can make money and save for therapists as well as transitioning. I am excited, but it’s a lot of work filling out papers for colleges, working on assignments and studying but I am feeling hopeful. It will take five days after the Spring semester is done before my grades are posted so I can send them to Rutgers University and Rowan University and it takes two weeks for the universities to make a decision once the grades are sent to them. So I’ll probably hear from Rutgers University  and Rowan University around late May, early June.

Thank you for much Anita for being the beautiful soul you are. I am grateful to have you in my life. Hope you have a good week ahead and blessings to you in all your life’s endeavors. Take care of yourself and best wishes to you!