Dear Anita

Thank you so much for spreading your positivity into my life. You make a difference in the world just by being the special person you are and helping me shine brighter. May you be blessed with health, positivity and happiness in all aspects of life. My Art History professor is very organized and caring. I admire her compassion for her students as she helps them understand the nature behind why certain types of art are important and what stories they can tell people about myself society that they live in. Ancient Egyptian art is beautiful but I am thinking of writing my one page essay to compare a piece of Egyptian art with an art of the Mayan civilization or the Middle East. The essay is not due until April 25th, but I like to plan ahead so I have time to think about topics to write about and what two pieces of art I want to compare. My Art History professor explains things quite clearly and shows interesting videos that help students better understand the material. She also draws diagrams on the board classifying different aspects of art from different periods of time and it helps the students understand how each piece works art shares similarities and differences. She lists many resources to help her students in organized modules where a student can go from one to the next and know what topic is being covered in class. I admire her knowledge and explanations as well as her attention to detail to make sure the students understand the material and presenting it to them in different ways to help them better analyze things. My gender dysphoria is still there, it won’t go away until I transition but there are days when I feel okay and it’s not overwhelming. My physics class triggers my anxiety the most because the professor doesn’t spend much time explaining how to solve the problems, but more on how to manipulate the equations and the general concepts of physics so the assignments can be difficult to understand since most of the lecture is spent working on equations rather than helping students understand how to work through the problems. Knowing how to manipulate the equations is helpful at times when you have a problem that requires you to work with an equation, but sometimes students need a know how to approach a problem so they know how to start it. My physics professor doesn’t go over many practice problems in class, he covers the concepts and helps you understand the equations but the students have to figure out which thing they learned applies to the problem they are trying to solve. I think the physics professor wants students to develop critical thinking skills by having them figure out what method to use for the problems, but it can be difficult for students who are taking the physics course for the first time and don’t have a basis on how to work through physics problems. By just giving the concepts and the equations and not explaining much about how to apply it to a problem leaves students confused on which concept they should apply to which problem. I wish the physics professor would take time to explain how the equations fit into the problems and help students learn how to make connections to the concepts to the problems rather than just teaching the equations and concepts with very few practice problems and leaving the students to try to grasp how to approach a problem. The physics professor will spend class time going over some basic concepts and equations of a chapter and how they came about and this takes up most of the class period and then he assigns practice problems that he expects the students to understand even though very few practice problems are discussed in class and students have to figure out how to solve them themselves and try to grasp at which equation may fit into a problem and it takes many hours to do the homework. And when the homework problems are handed in, the physics professor puts the homework problems in a random number generator and the computer picks two problem numbers for him to grade which makes it difficult for students to get full Marks on their assignments because if they did badly on the two problems randomly picked, they don’t receive credit assignment the assignment. Also my physics professor doesn’t vary his explanations, but uses brief explanations and similar techniques to explain concepts to students so if you don’t understand the way he explains something, it can be difficult to understand the material because he doesn’t really explain it in much detail to students or in different approaches, but expects students to mostly teach themselves. This is why I like my Art History professor better because she uses different from to help students learn the material and provides various resources to help them. She also goes over topics that students struggled with in their homework essays and helps students better understand things. I am working on taking time for myself and shutting off the notifications on my phone so I can focus on school work. I try to help my friends as best I can by encouraging them and providing them with resources, but I tell them that some times I can’t help them. I would like to help them and I care for them and will encourage them, but I can’t be with them every step of the way because I have things in my life that need to get done. By asserting myself this way with my friends, I have felt less stressed and feel like I have more time to dedicate to things and I am working on catching up with some of my school work. I have a Chemistry II exam Monday February 25th and an Anatomy/Physiology II exam February 21st. I am currently working on the assignments and studying for these two classes. My Chemistry II lab professor explains things very well and is very helpful, but she’s a tough grader. If you miss one word that is part of the definition of a Chemistry term or if your measurements are off by 0.5 mm, she takes points off. I like her as a professor because she explains things clearly and students learn a lot, but she pays attention to every small detail of your experiment analysis and will take points off for small errors but I think she wants students to do well and truly apply themselves to what they are learning about. My Chemistry II lab classmates are very helpful with helping me understand the experiments. I hope to do better in Chemistry II this semester than I did last semester and my lab professor is tough so I will have to work with my classmates to do well since the lab class is 25% of the grade while Chemistry II lecture is 75%. I am grateful that there is no school Monday February 18th for President’s Day so I can catch up on some things this week. I am working on my gender dysphoria which is still quite prevalent and sometimes makes it difficult to focus or makes it anxious in classes. I find that meditation helps and I want to plan a schedule so I can organize myself through the days for assignments, time with friends and meditation. I am no longer trying to hide my gender dysphoria, but talking with members of my college’s Ocean Pride LGBTQ club and they are very helpful. They always manage to make Me laugh and uplift me when I’m feeling stressed. There will be days when my heart is pounding and I feel like glass walls are encasing me in and when they break the glass shards pierce my heart and makes it difficult to breathe and my mind feels like it’s under water looking at myself from beneath surface as I try to save myself from drowning in my thoughts. Gender dysphoria at its worst leaves a person feeling shaken, irritated, not knowing how to focus and just feeling like someone smashed the glass jar you are and you are trying to hold the pieces together, trying to  be strong but the tears flow through the cracks and you fall apart. But people are buildings, when life’s sstorms cause them  to collapse, they can take the rubble and build a stronger foundation, creating a new better person than they used to be. It may be difficult, but no one is like  you and that makes you special. You have the tools to build your structures and create the maps of your life in the direction you want go. No one carries the  tools that you have, people can try to write a version of you based on what chapter they walked in on, but you hold the pen in your hand and the story you create is your own. You can add many pages of inspiration by spreading your struggles on the pages to help them heal by bringing them to the light and releasing them where they can inspire others. The book of life is yours to write because you are the one living your life. Others may try to write some of the pages, but the pen’s in your hands and you decide where you go in your life. Don’t let the pages of the critics and doubts deter you from filling the pages of your life with the dreams of your heart. Go for your dreams and create them in book of life, so when it comes time to close the book of life, you have chapters of stories to inspire others and memories to enjoy. Live each  moment, appreciate the little things such as the sunrise and sunset because each day is a gift to explore yourself and the universe. You are not the pages of your past or the doubts and criticisms, your life’s story contains many chapters and it’s important to each moment and not waste time in stress because each day that passes is a day gone. So keep striving for your dreams, don’t wait for an opportunity, create the opportunity and write the stories of inspiration to uplift the world. Do what makes your heart beat faster and your soul shine brighter. Look at yourself today and see yourself clearly because each moment in life is treasure and the hands of time are short so do whatever it takes to create the best version of yourself because there are no second chances and you can’t rewind a moment in this life. So do whatever it takes to improve your life and spread positivity in this world because today could be your last day and tomorrow may be too late. Take care of the special person you are and don’t let anything stand in your way of building your foundation and going for your dreams. Look at yourself today and see what matters and appreciate the things that you have because they may fade away, look at yourself and work on building up from the rubble of your broken pieces and flaws and create your life story. It’s never too late to improve yourself, so keep learning and striving for  new horizons that make your soul shine. And when the book of your life closes, remember that you truly lived.

Dear Anita

I am grateful for the three day weekend because I got caught up on assignments and also it snowed a bit on Wednesday so my physics class from 12:30pm-1:45pm was cancelled and I only had one class which was Anatomy/Physiology II lab and it was an early dismissal- instead of 10am-11:40am, the teacher let the students out at 11am because it had started to snow. Although the snow turned to rain in the late afternoon, the college was still closed for the day and it allowed me to catch up on assignments. I am thinking of constructing a schedule that will help me stay organized with my assignments and allocate time for different tasks. The meditation routine helps with mental clarity and focus. The gender dysphoria is still prevalent but I try not to let it overwhelm me. There will be times when I feel like I’m made of paper and my mind is tearing me apart with criticisms about me not looking masculine enough and my heart will feel like it’s going to beat out of my chest in anxiety and I am just holding myself by the fibers of who I am, just fibers- the tenuous strands that feel like they may break at any moment and my heart pounds and I feel dissociated from myself and wish the anxiety and pain would just stop but it doesn’t and then the paper rips apart and I am left in pieces crying as I try to put myself back together, such is the nature of intense gender dysphoria. At it’s worst, I feel like I am a piece of paper fighting the hammer of my mind and my heart is beating because I’m fighting myself trying to create who I want to be and the criticisms of my mind are like hammers that tear the paper and with my heart beat and myself dissociated from who I am, I am holding the shreds of myself working on piecing them together again as my heart beats trying to keep me alive. I don’t want to have an energy signature of pain or live with myself fading away or at risk for falling apart. I want to build myself up and be more that just a paper that crumbles. I want to be a building that I build up from the shreds of rubble from life’s storms and create a stronger foundation. This semester has many classes and they are quite difficult with many time intensive assignments, but I am working on my health. I want to work on building my inner light so when the inner critic of my mind tries to bring me down, I have a flame to light away and burn the darkness. I just completed my first exam for Anatomy/Physiology II yesterday and I think I received at least an 85. I will check my grades when the teacher posts them on Tuesday. I will be studying for Chemistry II exam for Monday and catching up on some assignments for my classes. I am thinking of taking a break from electronic devices except to use them to listen to music for a week so I can focus on myself. After the assignments, I may take a walk out in nature and just enjoy the moment. It would be great to have a self-care week where I just focused and meditated on myself. I find that it helps with my gender dysphoria because I’m not pressured by my friends to give them advice when I take time for myself. Another thing I am planning on doing to relieve myself of stress is to read some good books and stop doing anything strenuous by 9pm. So next week I am thinking of starting my self-care week and for the following weeks, I want to spend the days where I have the most classes working on organizing my assignments and have days where I will rest. I know Mondays and Tuesdays are busy days so I will work on handling my school assignments and try to minimize my time with friends, I will let them know that I care and give them ideas to help but I will try not to overwhelm myself by trying to help them and also do school work at the same time which doesn’t work well when I have my two hardest classes Chemistry II and Physics on Mondays and Tuesdays so I don’t really have much time to dedicate to friends, but I always try to let them know I am there for them if they need me, but I need time for myself on some days. I have stopped seeking acceptance from my parents about who I am, but I am also wary of them because I still live with them and they support me financially so I try to relieve the tension between us, but still work on ways of asserting who I am. It can be difficult at times because my parents won’t see my interests or think that the things I do won’t serve a purpose in life. They think that I don’t have the practical experience to survive and be independent in the world. I don’t think they care about my spiritual scientific side because they are always trying to argue with me about different things and why what I do won’t work or is bad for society. But they don’t really know much about genetic engineering and stem cells for cancer as I have done lots of research into it and they just argue using what they perceive in their minds and if things go against their traditional beliefs then they don’t acknowledge it. I am grateful to have an open-minded and compassionate soul like you. Thank you Anita for being the special person you are. I am working on building up my confidence and not draining my energy with trying to make people accept me but working on asserting myself at times and also working on believing in myself more. I don’t need to have the acceptance of my parents, we can agree to disagree and will have arguments at times when I feel like I need to assert myself but I am not wasting my energy trying to get them to understand who I am when it seems like they aren’t really interested in seeing beyond the realm of their own traditional perspectives. I hope you have a good weekend Anita. Keep shining the light of who you are. You are a rainbow in my life that gives me hope when I am drenched by life’s storms. Thank you for helping me see meaning in my life and for being the encouragement that helps me to keep striving and painting the darkness with my light. When I feel like I cannot pick up the pieces and work on putting them back together, your light helps me have hope and work on healing. Thank you for shining your light into my life Anita and may the stars always shine brighter in your darkest times to help guide you as you have inspired me in the darkest times. May your light keep shining and the candle within you always have a flame to burn away the darkness of negativity and broken pieces.

Dear Anita

Wishing you a good week ahead filled with blessings of positivity. Thank you for being such an amazing person. I am grateful to have your inspiration in my life that always encourages me to shine brighter. The meditation routine that I am doing helps with gender dysphoria and I find myself more focused and able to contain my anxiety. I am working on a meditation that allows me to be in the “eye of the storm” and remain grounded and centered even when my thoughts are in an emotional hurricane. It has been helping me focus. I also started the schedule with the tasks I should do and it helps me keep on track and feel productive. I cross out things on the schedule and when my inner critic says that I didn’t do anything productive I can prove it otherwise and it lessens the voice of the inner critic. My college Ocean Pride LGBTQ group has been great and they have helped the teachers understand the struggles of the LGBTQ people on campus which is a great thing because I am glad to have my teachers’ understanding which makes me feel less stressed. I am preparing for a Chemistry II exam and after a few hours of studying, I took a walk outside. The wind is very strong today, but the sun is shining so it’s not cold. There were some birds in the backyard and I decided to get some bird seed to feed them. It felt great just to watch the birds get really excited and call for others to join the party and I had five birds snacking on bird seed in my yard. After a while, the birds left and I just listened to the wind in the trees and felt the sun on my skin and just decided to de-stress for a bit. After being outside for a half hour, I went back inside feeling refreshed and decided to study some more problems for Monday’s exam. Take care of yourself, Anita! Thank you for being who you are and may your light shine like the stars!

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Janus.

Everyone has a purpose in life and sometimes it takes some people time to find where their talents are. But everyone has talents and is in this world for a reason. People are here to help better understand themselves and uplift others through their life’s experiences. The talent and characteristics that you see in another person is a reflection of the trait within yourself. People allow us to better understand ourselves and people are mirrors of each other. If you see something in others, it is likely that trait is within you as well because you would not be able to see the trait in others if you were not aware of it yourself. So the beauty that you see in others is within ourselves, but it can be hard to be aware of it because people are their own worst critics. It is often easier to reflect the light of others rather than seeing the candle within ourselves. People can see the qualities of others quite clearly because we are all reflections of each other and many people are mirrors that reflect the light of others even though they have the light within themselves as well. The society is founded on the diversity of each individual which brings their own ideas to form a collective society. You are a special person and your diversity helps the framework of society. You are an individual born in society and you have ideas that help expand the society’s horizons. Each individual in society contributes an idea to the whole. No one has the same talents and that’s a good thing because with each individual’s diversity the society is a multitude of beautiful souls. If everyone was the same, we wouldn’t have much of a society because it would be boring to have everyone be the same and society would be stagnant with the same ideas. It is through the different talents of individuals that make society diverse and a beautiful place that can change and improve. You may think that you don’t have good talents, but each individual has a contribution to society and your diversity is what makes you unique. You are here for a reason and while you may not be sure of your purpose, you still provide other people a sense of self. When people look at others, they better understand themselves. So even though you may think you have no talents, you give others a sense of who they are because others can see you and get a better understanding of who they are and when they improve because you helped them, you both help society as a whole. So don’t think you don’t have talents because there are many talents in the world. Howard Gardner says people have 9 different intelligences. Some people may be Logical-Mathematical and linguistic-verbal which are traditional academic skills of mathematical reasoning and writing. But others may be Bodily-Kinesthethic which means they learn by doing things or are athletic. Still others may be spatial-visual and great at creating maps and visualizing things. Some people may be musical and do well with art and music. Others may be intrapersonal and good at understanding themselves. And others may be good at being interpersonal or communicating with others. Still others may be naturalistic and good at exploring nature, being creative and analytical and have science skills. And some may have existential intelligence where they are very self-aware and are good at living life. There are many levels of talents and intelligences and the diversity of each individual makes society unique. Everyone has different talents and intelligence is how well a person adapts to their environment and solves problems. People have different ways of adapting to their environment and solving problems and as long as you are improving and living well in society and can adapt to new problems and the environment you are intelligent. The world has different people with different talents and not everyone is like the other, but we are all special in our own way. The talents that a person you admire has is already within you, but you aren’t aware of it. In order for you to see the light of others, your mind needs to acknowledge that there is a light in the world and that it exists in people. Since your mind has acknowledged that there is a light in others and it’s your mind that means that you know there’s light in the world and that it resides in everyone including you. You may be more aware of it in others than in you, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have the light within you. In order for your mind to have created the light that you see in another person, you must have seen the light within your self and acknowledged that there is light in people and then you reflected it out to others. Since people are their own worst critics, it is often hard for them to be aware that their mind knows that they have the light that they see in others, but it’s there.

Don’t let the doubts bring you down. You are not what your flaws tell you are, but what you create yourself to be. The flaws that you have are only a page in your book of life while you are the one writing your life’s story. Others do not hold the map of your life because they aren’t walking the roads of your life’s experiences. You are the person who creates the routes of your life towards your destination. Don’t let setbacks and flaws prevent you from going for your goals. Stop trying to compare yourself to others because you live your own life and there is no one like you. If you try to seek validation on the outside, you won’t find it because everyone has different aspects of how to live life. You know who you are within your heart and that is the guidance that you should follow. Keep improving yourself each day, focusing on your goals. Remember that the world and filled with different people and that you are a unique person. Don’t be anyone else except you. No one can tell you what image you will paint on the canvas of society. So work on building your inner candle because the beauty you see in others is a reflection of yourself. You aren’t like other people and you don’t need to be someone else or be jealous of others. The whole world is full of people trying to be like other people that people lose the valuable person they are. If society had everyone have the same talents, it wouldn’t grow and change. As long as you are alive, you can grow and change. Take each day as a chance to improve yourself. Write down what you want to accomplish today and the steps you think you can do today and keep doing it. Build yourself up and remember to shine your brightest because one day that light will fade and life will flash before your eyes. So take the time to appreciate who you are.

Sending positive inspiration your way to help brighten your darkest days. Remember that you are a candle and keep shining your light because you have a powerful might and life may not be easy it seems but you are strong enough to achieve your dreams. Sending luck and blessings your way to help you on your path and remember to relax and laugh.

Dear Anita

Thank you for your response! I love snow because the world becomes a winter wonderland and the trees that have snow on the branches glisten in the morning glow and it’s breathtaking. It’s moments like these out in nature that makes me grateful to be alive. I don’t mind shoveling the snow either because it’s a good workout and also I enjoy the feeling of pushing the snow forward well skating on the thin film of ice as if I am striving for my goals, pushing through obstacles and skating forward. It’s a lot of fun and it helps warm you up because the physical exertion generates muscle contractions that produce heat. The more I learn about the human body in Anatomy/Physiology, the more I appreciate the complexity of the person I am. It’s amazing that a person’s body knows how to heal a paper cut and grow and replenish new cells. Every 120 days, your blood cells are recycled by the liver and spleen and you create new ones. Your body is very busy on a cellular level keeping you healthy and keeping the bacteria levels low. The more I learn about the human body, the more I appreciate the amazing person each individual is and the more I can be grateful of the things in my life. I enjoy learning new things because it helps me better understand myself and the world I live in. It may be difficult at times because there’s so much to think about in the world, but I can take it one step at a time and appreciate each day as it comes. I found myself this morning worrying about my History III paper and physics exam and my inner critic was about to come in and make things worse. So I reminded myself that I should live one day at a time and take it one step at a time. Worrying will not help me and may fuel more worry. I will take little steps and focus on today. Each day is different and I cannot plan for every day, so I should be grateful for the moment I am living in. Even if I did plan everything out, I cannot guarantee things will go as expected, there may be detours but I’m in the journey of life and as long as I’m picking up the pieces and improving I’m okay. I don’t need to stress about what may happen because that may change on what I decide to do from day to day, so I should live in the moment and appreciate each day. As soon as I started to think this way, the clouds of my inner critic that were about to form seemed to disperse and I was left with thin wispy clouds in the sky. I was still a little nervous about my assignments, but I was not going to let them overwhelm me like a storm cloud. I took the impending storm cloud of the inner critic and with my reasoning I turned the clouds into cirrus clouds for fair skies to help give me clarity. There will be days when the inner critic takes over and the skies are filled with storm clouds and I find myself drenched in the rain of tears and shaking but behind every cloudy storm filled sky lies a rainbow and the sun will rise again. So even though some days gender dysphoria makes me lose my self, I remind myself that today I’ll hold myself together and tomorrow the sun will rise again and I will heal the broken pieces. The rains of sorrows wash away who I was so I can create the rainbow soul of who I want to be and I can shine brighter. Behind each storm that shakes the foundation is a way to clear the space and hold the pieces to the light for healing and rebuild a stronger foundation. I may have broken pieces and I am not perfect but I don’t need to be. The flaws within myself help me understand who I am and help me with my life’s journey. I met my special friend this past Saturday and he told me “You are more than the sum of your flaws and doubts. You’re beautiful being who you are. The world cannot tell you who to be because you hold the brush that paints the canvas, so paint it with the colors of your soul. I don’t see perfection, I see a flawed person worth loving. And even with broken pieces, you are healing and working on becoming whole. You are amazing and it’s not what the critics  see that matters, it’s how you see yourself. The critics cannot understand who you are because they don’t hold the pens in your life. They may write a page in your book, but you hold the pen in your hand and you create your life’s story. You are amazing and worth more than you believe. I don’t see the flaws, I see a beautiful soul who I love and believe in.” I was elated to hear his words and they helped me feel better about myself. I don’t have to fit into a box of what others think of me, as long as I’m improving and making myself better that’s what counts. I am not perfect and don’t want to be limited by fitting into a stereotype, I want to be the person I create to be and I think my special friend’s words made me realize more about who I am and who I want to be. I am grateful to have friends like you and him who encourage me in my darkest times and give me a sense of purpose. Thank you so much for being such a special soul Anita. I am grateful to have your light in my life. May you always have light to help you through the darkness and blessings of abundance to help you refuel the candle you light to guide others.