Dear Anita

The past few days have been quite eventful. On Saturday, I took a trip with my Anatomy/Physiology class to Metropolitan Museum. The group I was with left me when I was adjusting my phone at the museum. I knew I had to be at the bus stop before 6:15pm to catch the bus that would bring me back to campus, it was only 11:15am so I wasn’t too worried. I searched for them around the museum, but didn’t find them. I took a few pictures along the way. At 1PM I started to feel worried, I knew that they had told me that they were going to the Planetarium part of the museum, so I walked around the museum and up many floors searching for my group members and the Planetarium. The museum has five floors, but the stairs aren’t very steep and there aren’t that many steps so it was okay. I also searched for them in the museum’s cafe at 12pm because they had told me they would be there for lunch before heading to the Planetarium. It was nerve-wracking when it was 2:20pm and I had searched everywhere I could think of in the museum and couldn’t find them. I decided to leave the museum and make my way back through Central Park which was the way I came into the museum, hoping to see them or wait at the bus stop until they arrived. Central Park is quite a big place and I was searching it and the roads around it until 4:20pm. I was quite scared now because it was getting close to the time, only about two hours before I had to be at the bus stop and I still wasn’t sure where the bus would stop. I decided to head towards the bus’s second stop on Broad Street to see if I could figure out where it parked but I couldn’t. I asked a person what I should do and they said to go to Port Authority Bus Terminal. It took me a while to find that place and after a few phone calls I was able to get information on how to use a NYC bus to get to Toms River, NJ. It was 4:40pm when I questioned the administrator in Port Authority Bus Terminal about the bus routes to NJ and he said that I only had 20 minutes before the last bus of the day left for NJ. I thanked him and hurriedly rushed up three flights of stairs to Gate 319 where bus 137 was the one that would take me to Toms River, NJ. While waiting in line, it hit me that I only had $10 and the ticket cost $21 and I didn’t have enough. Desperate, I asked a person in line if I could have some money to pay for the bus fare. I told them that I was lost in NYC and had no other way to get home and I didn’t have enough money and that I had been walking for 15 miles. Luckily, they said they would pay for my fare and I boarded the bus that took me to Toms River Bus Terminal. I felt relieved to have made it back to NJ, but I was still five miles away from campus. I decided to walk the way and since it was 6:38pm when I arrived in Toms River, NJ it was hard to navigate the roads even though I was familiar with the town. So I got lost and ended up near 829 Oak Avenue, quite far from my college off of Hooper Avenue. It was 7:15pm when I was cold and tired, I had walked a total of 20 miles that I called my parents. It took them a while to find my location and when my dad picked me up and brought me back to college my hands were frozen and he had to help me start my car. He also had to call out to me because I was quite drained from the exertion that I didn’t recognize his car, so after he called out I sort of awoke out of this trance and got in the car. I was feeling shaky. I’m still sore today, but feeling better. I am lucky that I was able to get home and I learned a lot about how to navigate the city. I had fun on the trip so it was okay.

Also after I got back to college on Monday I had a Chemistry II exam and two Anatomy/Physiology quizzes. I didn’t do that great on them because I was still tired from the NYC trip. I took another midterm for physical geography today and I did well on it. My new friends try to take up a lot of my time. They are always telling me that I need to spend more time with them because I study too much, but school is an important priority for me. I feel a bit disappointed that I didn’t do so well on the tests for Monday, but it’s okay. I am going to spend Thanksgiving break November 21st-23 studying for my Anatomy/Physiology exam on November 26 and finishing up some assignments. I haven’t met the guy who sexually assaulted me these few days and I am glad about that. The only thing that has been stressful is that people still poke fun at my gender identity. I had to reblock a guy who used to pester me first semester of college about my gender identity. He said things like I don’t have enough muscles to be masculine and that my dysphoria was just a way of me trying to be freakish for attention. His remarks were hurtful so I blocked him and didn’t hear from him until now because he changed his number and tried to contact me again so I I reblocked him.

Dear Anita

Sometimes when you are sad, I want to give you the biggest hug because I want you to know how special you are to me and how much I would love for you to be happy. If my hugs could mend some broken pieces in you and help you see how special you are in my eyes, then I would feel like I’m a good friend. Hope you have a great Thanksgiving. I am grateful to have you in my life, you always inspire me to be a better person. Sometimes my inner critic tries to dim my candle, but I am glad to have friends who help provide me strength to fuel my inner light when I feel shaky. I am working on being the candle for myself as well as being the mirror that reflects light for others. I realize that I need to have a candle within before I can be the light for others, so I’m working on cultivating my inner light. I wish you all the best in your life. Thank you for being here for me and for helping me understand more of myself when I’m not sure who I am. I am grateful to know a person like you. You are a blessing to me and the world needs more people who are creative, compassionate, insightful and understanding like you.

Dear Anita

I realize how much more energetic I feel when I leave time for myself and don’t try too many tasks all at once. I feel more content and not rushed to do so many things all at once. At first I thought grades were more important than health, but after feeling irritated and strained trying to get good grades at the expense of my health I realize I don’t want to do that anymore. I am currently struggling with Chemistry II, but all my other classes I’m doing well. I hope to have a B in Chemistry II this semester, but I’m not going to stress myself too much. I have also started a self-help reiki course that focuses on emotional healing. It has helped me be more calm and aware of why I act the way I do. When my inner critic tells me something, I can question it and ask it what proof it has and why it is that. So it can go something like this:

Inner critic: You don’t know what you’re doing. You are a mistake in life.

Me: Why do you say that? Where is the proof?

Inner critic: you are a strain on your parents. you are a failure in Chemistry II.

Me: I have a B in Chemistry II and one class doesn’t make me a failure. And how do you know I’m a strain on my parents? You aren’t living my life. You’re just a voice that judges in my mind, you have no life.

And the inner critic is silenced and there is this void and I feel that many things are possible to fill this void. And I tell myself “Don’t believe anything the inner critic tells you. It is only a shadow in the mind and it isn’t the one living my life.”

I hope that my combatting of the inner critic goes well for the rest of the week. My new energy levels are quite contagious to others who also help motivate me. So I’m glad, I’m going to try to make it a good week. It is a good goal because I’ve rarely had a full week that is good. Hope you are well Anita, thank you for being here for me and encouraging me to be a better person.

Dear Anita

Thank you for giving me hope and courage to combat my inner critic. I have started to take more time for myself. I’m less stressed because I have more time for myself and can complete school work on time. I’ve told my friend to wants me to help her with the wiccan site this: “Currently just helping provide ideas for the site rather than actively participating because of my school work. Hope the ideas help. I will likely be able to take a more active role in the site when winter break starts December 21st-January 22nd and I have no classes. I enjoy being friends with you and will help you through your struggles. Don’t worry about things and take time for yourself. It helps release stress and I’ll be here for you, I may not always reply quickly, but I care about you and appreciate you.”