Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for your wisdom that helps me reestablish my self-confidence. Ocean County College that I attend has career advising services and I just updated my resume. I applied for a scientific research job and hoping I get an interview. I am thinking that if I can get a job, I can start saving for my financial independence and needs so I don’t have to rely on the allowance my parents give me. Lately, I have been feeling like my inner critic is trying to get me to take on more projects I can handle. It has been saying things like “If you acquired more knowledge in these areas, you could be more independent and would have more respect from others” or “You spend too much time doing assignments that aren’t necessary.” I think my inner critic stems from my parents criticisms about me and sometimes it makes me emotionally drained because I try to take on many projects at once. The question are “How do I take time for myself without having the inner critic think I’m being unproductive?” “What are good ways to teach yourself new life skills?”

Dear Anita,

I am glad to have an insightful, compassionate and inspirational person like you in my life. Your encouraging advice helps boost my confidence and make me feel closer to living my best self. I have begun to dedicate two days of the week in which I do nothing at all, but just take time to myself and relax. I go out in nature, read a book, do yoga or meditate. These days are mostly Wednesdays and Sundays. I have started to work on applying for job applications, one every two weeks as to not overwhelm myself. My inner critic thinks that I should be learning new things every day and every hour, but I don’t want to overextend myself. I agree that disengaging from the negative voices is the best. I am working on grounding and shielding myself from the negative energy when my parents argue. They try to involve me into their affairs, but I don’t want to be part of them because many of their fights aren’t really worth the strain on my energy. At times I feel like I am being selfish because family is the basic foundation of every childhood and it feels like I’m abandoning my family when I disengage from them. I believe this is my inner critic from my parents saying I should play a more active role for the family and learn more real life skills. I am learning the information for my genetic engineering career, acquiring transgender resources and looking for job opportunities. It is a lot of resources all at once and at times I need a break. With my parents, they think that I’m either not focusing enough time on my education, learning life skills or making irresponsible decisions. My parents are not accepting of my gender expression and it is hard being with them. The main questions are: “How do I know what’s important for me to learn to help me in the world?” “How do I stop suppressing the negativity in me and gain the courage to release it?” “When certain events trigger a stress reaction or my inner critic, how do I calm myself down and regain my focus?” “How do I tell others that I need time for myself throughout the week and if I don’t get back to them in two weeks (longest that I haven’t replied to urgent demands) that i’m not ignoring them or being selfish?” “How do I know that I’m putting my needs first and being true to myself and not being dragged into the aspirations/problems/expectations of others?”

Dear Anita:

I find it hard to communicate in person at times when speaking to people because I am tired of not being heard by my parents when I speak my voice. I think this has caused me to be a bit shy when speaking to other people because I’m not sure how they will react or whether they will be active listeners. When I try to explain things to my parents and express my feelings, it’s like they don’t hear the emotions and the underlying meaning behind the actions I do and they just see the stuff on the surface. I tend to express myself much clearer in writing rather than speaking to others, but I would like to learn how to be more assertive. However, I feel like there are some people like my parents who no matter how I say things or explain things will never step outside their views and the question is “How do I stop their negative views from influencing the person I want to be?”

I know that disengaging from people who harm me is a good idea and I have become more withdrawn from my parents. However, if I am in an argument with someone and it is going nowhere and just draining my energy “How do I disengage from it and also be considerate of the other person’s pain?” I was thinking something along the lines of “Sorry that you are feeling hurt. I’m sure we both made mistakes and I hope things will be better. But, let’s not waste our time and energy with anger. I wish you healing from your sorrow.”

Also I realize that there will be people who will try to drag me into their arguments, place their burdens on me or conform me to their expectations. I often hear people talking about the person they think I am and it makes me feel irritated that people who are strangers judge me and seem to think they know what is going on in my life or can figure out my personality. People change over time and I feel like I have grown and learned much throughout the years and at times I just want to spend three months (longest that I’ll go currently because I have college courses to take) just away from the judgments of other people. I have been going to spiritual cleansings and retreats in my spare time to ground myself from any negative energy I happen to pick up from my environment. However, it seems the more I want to disengage from people who don’t serve me well in life, the more they want to associate with me. There are people who see that I am working my way to living a life that is truly my own and working on being happy and they aren’t happy themselves so they try to tell me all their troubles thinking I can help them. I have started to learn reiki healing and it helps heal and clear my energies and I think this has caused many other people who know I can heal to press me to teach them or heal them. I am still in the learning process and I need a break and although I don’t want to be inconsiderate I can’t help but turn most of them away. I feel a mix of guilt and irritation when I do that. Another thing is there will be people who expect me to get all the resources for them and have me map out everything for them because they are too lazy to do it themselves or say they don’t know how to and aren’t willing to learn how to when I try my best to guide them. The question is “How do I know who the people in my life who truly care about me are from the people who just want to take my time?”

“How do I remove myself from conversations that make me feel uncomfortable or tell someone that I have changed and their view of me is just the surface without seeming to be rude?” I have met people who will still see me as the person I used to be, a smart woman who is hard-working, healthy and seems to be perfect, but that’s only on the surface and that was the person I used to be. Now, I am still recovering from anorexia, depression, struggling with gender dysphoria and know for certain I’m going to make a medical transition to become a male (I feel happier and more comfortable as a male) later in life. My former self is only a shadow of who I once was and I am working on removing the shadow and stepping into the light of my true self. My therapist told me that I can’t live my life doing what other people tell me to in the hopes of keeping them happy while I hurt and hide because I wouldn’t be truly living. Also she said that it really isn’t anyone’s business when people will ask uncomfortable questions like “Are you a boy or girl?” or just assume “You can tell by looking or from previous experience and how others refer to them.” However, my parents are not accepting of my gender expression, so of course their views would contradict what I feel about myself on the inside. But my parents have never been open-minded to the faults of others and never seem to see beyond the surface to see that every individual is a human being and there is a reason behind every action and feeling. Going back to my therapist, even though she did say that it isn’t anybody’s business to know the changes you are going through, I still feel dysphoria when people I once knew meet me and they assume that I am the same person they knew over the years when I’ve changed much. When I correct them by saying “Sorry, but I no longer fit into the gender binary.  Please refer to me with gender neutral terms”, they either ignore me, change the topic (my parents often do both or they will override my voice with their voice and not listen) or they say things that may be hurtful or embarrassing like “I thought transgender and nonbinary people had to undergo medical transitioning before they establish their identity.” however, that is not the case, many transgender and nonbinary people need the financial resources and some time in therapy before they make the transition and most of them socially transition first.  Most will wear clothes of the gender they identify with and adopt practices of the other gender as well as telling other people what they prefer to go by and this social transition is often the first step. The cost of this social transition is not physical as in it doesn’t require money, but it is emotional because many people lose their friends’ and families’ supports. I wish there was an easier way of explaining to people who once knew me about how people change without incurring the embarrassment. There will be times when I will just ignore people who do that, but as they carry on with their conversations about who they think I am, my inner critic will think since I’m not correcting them, i’m not strong enough to defend myself and I’m not valid being the person I identify as. My inner critic also gets most of its comments from my parents who are always making me feel invalidated one way or another. They tend to compare my achievements with my brother and they have always believed he has achieved much more in life and is because he is in computer science career. also my parents are Asian and many cultural stereotypes play a role. Asian families believe that children should be loyal to family traditions and the male should be the one who gets high career positions. I also did a research on how Asian culture views LGBT people and I looked specifically at transgender people and learned that there are 4 million transgender people near Beijing that are in the closet and 43% of them are oppressed by their community, only 6% have access to therapy and 1% have the financial needs for medical transitioning. In fact, transgender people have the highest risk of suicide in the LGBT community with 40% higher risk. I have stopped trying to get my parents to understand who I am because i’m not sure i can make them understand. However, while I am getting resources and working on understanding myself better I need to find ways to dissociate from the inner critic who seems to come up at any turn when the opportunity arises. I don’t want to isolate myself from everyone, but these days I feel like I need to work on finding out who is really there for me and will help me. I need to work on learning to express my voice in person and talk without being suppressed, but I’m not sure how currently. I realize I want to be true to myself and remove the expectations of others. Lately, I have been meditating for an hour at times to clear my mind and relax. During the times I’m meditating, I start to focus on who I was told to be and who I am and lately I feel like the lines between the two selves are not as blurred as they used to be. I am still establishing my confidence and sometimes the negative remarks of others will shake me and I have to reestablish myself. I wonder if there is a way to shield myself from the negativity of others without trying to become isolated. Is there a way I can listen to the pain of others and sympathize without taking it on as my own? What about if people are angry at me and I don’t want to be a part of the fight, how do I make it seem like i’m not acceding to their demands, but just removing myself from the situation? Sometimes people like my parents who are angry will rant on and on and they will bring about every flaw that they can think of and use it against me, but they allow their emotions to cloud their reasoning and i know that i don’t want to add fuel to their fire. during those times, it seems like if i try to explain things to them, they won’t hear it and if i remain silent they either think i’m not listening, acceding to their demands or being inconsiderate. how do i deal with an angry person without adding fuel to the flames, remove myself from the situation and protect my self-esteem?

Dear Anita:

I have started to not care about the negative criticisms of others. I am tired of being criticized and told that I am an impulsive person by my parents. I no longer reach out to them emotionally for help and their criticisms only irritate me to be more motivated in focusing on what I need most in my life. They can throw insults at me all they like, but they do not know the inner person I have become, so all they attack is a false shell of the person that I used to be. Thank you for being such a great person and providing advice that helps me have a clearer insight on my life’s path. Some questions I have are: What are good ways to release tension and ground myself when exposed to negativity?

How do I stop myself from picking up the negative energies of others who try to dump it on me?

I have told my parents that I will not tolerate or care about any negative criticisms they say. If they cannot be open-minded and see beyond the surface or educate themselves on certain things, then it’s their loss as they will remain in their close-minded rationality. I will change myself for the better and listen to my heart when deciding what decisions to make.

I visited my therapist yesterday at Robert Wood Johnson Hospital in Somerset and she told me that I should stop comparing myself to the expectations of others. I remember you asked me what negative parts I was suppressing and I wasn’t sure how to respond, but talking with my therapist helped clarify it. The reason I struggle with anorexia is that I am trying to suppress my insecurities with my body because I have been following societal stereotypes that males should be skinny and muscular. So I feel like controlling my body by being anorexic makes me more masculine and also hides the insecurities I have. One insecurity I have is that I am not strong enough to be a male and this results in me feeling anxious if I miss a day of exercise because I fear I’ll lose muscle mass. My inner critic often tells me that I should do more, learn more and possibly I’ll fit better into a male role. I know my inner critic comes from my parents who dislike my gender expression and believe that it makes me make irresponsibe decisions as well as the fact that I don’t know anything of the real world and don’t know how to be self-reliant which is important in being a male. I am working on letting go of the body shaming of gender and also the cultural stereotypes of gender my parents try to put on me. It takes time because it is hard to expose the pain to the light when I want to hide it. But hiding it makes it bury deeper and when the inner critic is triggered it’s much worse. A question is “How do I stop acquiring more stereotypes about who I should be?”

I know I am coming closer to the real me, but there is healing that I need. “How do I shield myself and my fragile self-esteem from being hurt?”

My parents are not happy with me seeking resources to help me with my gender dysphoria because they criticized me today about driving out to do something that was a waste of time. They don’t like the fact I go to a therapist, so I often tell them that I went on a class trip or job application. But they don’t like hearing that because it isn’t the truth, but if I tell them the truth, they get mad as well. I told them that I need to do what makes me happy and not worry about what others expect because through my happiness I can help others. One cannot help others if they are sad and not living their life. My therapist says that I cannot help others if I’m not happy with myself and sometimes I will lose people as I work on finding myself, but life is meant to be lived and not following the expectations of others.

Dear Anita:

Thank you for your advice. I have started a meditation and yoga routine that helps me release tension. Also, I have drafted a temporary schedule which I use to help me coordinate my tasks throughout the day. As long as I get most of my priorities done, I can counter my inner critic and say “See, I was productive today.”

Speaking of stereotypes, my therapist told me that if I keep following the stereotypes of who I should be, I’m never going to be happy with myself. I told her that an underlying factor for my anorexia was the stereotype that males had to be muscular and skinny and since I identified as a male and felt like I was losing myself more in my home environment, I found something I could control which was my weight. I have overcome the stereotype that female cannot be scientists because I don’t care what gender I am, science has always fascinated me and my passion for it motivates me to achieve my goals as a genetic engineer. This is one goal that I know is me being true to myself. I still feel that the more I try to surpass the limitations of stereotypes, the more people will try to place them on me. I find it emotionally draining to always hear people who see only what’s on the surface of who I am and at times I wish I could just close my ears. I have my music player and headphones when I hear people arguing or making assumptions about who I am and I tune into that. At times I feel like I’m being disrespectful, but there is an inner sense of peace because I know I’m keeping myself from picking up the negativity of others that may waste my energy. Another thing about my anorexia is that I believe it is a way for me to “purge” myself of the negative stereotypes that I feel like are making me lose control in my life. If I can control how I look by controlling what I eat, I can stop the negative stereotypes from affecting me, but at times I feel like that it’s not the case. By being anorexic, I’m giving the stereotypes of gender more power over me because I’m harming myself to fit more into the physical appearance of what an ideal body type of a male should look like. Of course, there are many people in the LGBT community who don’t fit into society’s boxes. I feel like I just want to be myself and not care about what makes others happy if it makes me unhappy. A society is made up of individuals and each individual can improve themselves and by their own improvements, they can inspire other individuals to improve and better society. Just because an individual expresses views different from cultural or societal norms doesn’t mean that individual is a deviant from society, it just means that they have a different way of looking at the world and if it harms none and makes them happy then that’s okay. People cannot always fit into the societal roles set for them and sometimes the judgments of others that try to keep them within the lines hurt them more than helps them. I wish this was easier to explain to my parents who feel like there is no individualism within society, but conformity. But there is both individualism and conformity within society since a society relies on the voices of its individuals and if there is something different that one individual sees from another, it is okay because it is these different opinions that once heard may move society forward. Everyone’s opinion is important as long as it doesn’t harm any and people are affected by others’ opinions whether they feel it pertains to them or not because they live within the same societies and what affects one may affect the others. This is why it is important to be open-minded about all aspects of knowledge because you never know how it can play a role in your life, knowledge is power and sometimes you have to see the viewpoints of others to see how accurate your assumptions are. I wish my parents were more open-minded and sought more knowledge rather than kept the stereotypes of their Asian culture which they keep trying to put on me and whom I keep trying to break out of. I don’t want to hear things like “There are only two genders in this world” or “males are the ones who should be outgoing” or “People who don’t fit into specific gender identity or sexual orientation have a mental illness.” There is a difference between true mental illness and someone who knows who they are as a person and is different because they were born that way or choose to go outside the lines, but that doesn’t make them abnormal. I love all aspects of science and will research psychology, parapsychology (includes paranormal, supernatural, etc) and abnormal psychology and how people think in relation to their environment and I find this fascinating. the more research I find and the more sources I see to back up specific points, the more I understand the world around me. I believe everyone has different ways of interpreting the world around them and people should be respectful of that and not tell them that they shouldn’t be this way or that. Some questions I have are: “How do I know which situations to defend myself in and which ones to avoid?” “How do I stop the people who never listen to me and look beyond the surface to my inner feelings from continuing to intrude into my life?” “How do I become more self-reliant?” “How do I stop trying to get entangled in the views of others that will never change and work on improving myself?” “When I am in an argument and I know that person will never see my side or won’t be considerate to listen, how do I remove myself from the situation?” “How do I know that my actions are not being influenced by the expectations/stereotypes imposed on me by others and the choices I make are my own?” “How do I work on disentangling myself from the stereotypes and what’s truly me?” I feel like some of my actions have come about due to the results of stereotypes and I find it hard to release some of the stereotypes because they can be hard to face at times. It may be possible that I dislike parts of my body because I was never taught how to love myself emotionally or supported emotionally, so I had to work on finding myself and seeking support in my own way. My inner critic must have resulted from always doubting myself emotionally because I never felt there was a solid foundation to guide me through life and now learning the life skills I need, it all seems to be happening so fast and it feels like I’m growing up too fast for me to handle and at times I regret the years I was in emotional turmoil and I question myself “Was I an irresponsible person then? Am I an irresponsible person now? how much do I truly know how the world works?” and these questions fill me with doubts about the achievements I have made in life. Do you have any advice? Thanks!