Thanks a lot anita;) I was in ap english today and at 9:55, i saw a bright flash of light and saw angel wings and felt at peace for a while. i think one of my guy friends saw it as well because i saw him start in his chair and open his eyes wider. anyway we were learning about logical fallacies (statements that sound true, but really aren’t such as susie is a cat, most cats are black, therefore susie must be a black cat) and the topic is really quite interesting. there are so many cool latin terms ( i love latin since it’s the language of science) such as non sequitor (latin for does not follow and is a conclusion that doesn’t follow logically from the premise, i think the above is an example). i am currently working on physics honors, but i haven’t gotten test grades lower than an 80 yet, so i’m okay. today, we had to outline chapter three on vectors and it is confusing at times because there are many ways you can find the magnitude displacement and direction of a vector, i hope the teacher goes over it tomorrow. i think pre-calc is my favorite class because my teacher has taught me many ways to quickly solve and factor problems instead of spending lots of time on them and the way she explains it is much clearer than what i had in algebra 2 honors last semester. i think i got either a 96 or 107 on the quiz today. anyway, one of my friends told me there was a feather on my sweatshirt (during ap english and it was white. after she picked it up and placed it on the desk next to me, i saw another flash of white light and saw angel wings, i looked at the other guy who i thought had seen it before and i could tell by his smile that he had seen it too. the weirdest and coolest thing is that after ten minutes of the angel feather being in my glasses case (i put it there for safe keeping), i saw it float towards the guy and place itself into his physics honors textbook (we share a physics and an ap english class). he was quite surprised and i saw him look at the feather before taking it and putting it in the plastic sheet in his binder. anyway while we were walking and talking about our classes, he opened the binder and the feather was gone and we were upset. yet we both heard a voice and felt a rush of angel wings saying that life isn’t complete without loss and sacrifices and sometimes you have to lose things to get on your goal, the important thing is to believe and keep trying. anyway, we both felt more at peace as we went to our third block class. at the end of our fourth block class, the guy excited told me that the feather was back in his physics honors textbook. we both smiled at each other and realized that we both shared a spiritual moment and that we were being guided on our paths. i was reassured that things would be okay in my life and i didn’t need to stress. there are times when i think my special friend and i still connect and i am grateful for those times, yet at other times we are distant. i feel okay to let us both have our space and even though it is sad for both of us that we aren’t close to each other as we used to be, we realized that we taught each other a lot and the memories shared help us grow. the coolest thing this morning was that it was windy outside and i enjoyed the wind, i pictured the wind carrying away my stress and also building my confidence. it was great because when i got to first block, ap world history, many of my friends said i had a glow about me and i seemed happier, also that having my hair down really made me seem more relaxed person. i think even if i feel downcast and stressed or nervous about school, there is still hope because i’m not alone. all the dreams and experiences i have and i realize the universe believes in me. i had a dream last night that i was sitting with the buddha on a cloud and i asked the buddha why i was on a lower cloud and if i could ascend. the buddha told me that in order to ascend to a higher cloud, i had to let go of all negativity, wants and desires and just trust in myself and my life. then i saw myself drenched in rain while the buddha floated peacefully into the clouds, i felt myself growing heavy like i was being burdened by a bolder, i cried out “i don’t think i will ever make it to nirvana, there are so many obstacles in life!” and the buddha looked down on me and said “the universe believes in you, life is a path of obstacles but what matters is the person you become when you face them, you can take the obstacles and complain about how life is meaningless or you can change your perspective and become a better person.” i felt much better and hopeful and the buddha then lowered his cloud and took my hand and said “i know you will find a way, you have more hope and potential than you think you do. believe in yourself and don’t let anything bring you down. i will guide you in life.” so the buddha took my hand and i felt myself rise and see stars and moons and my soon i was sitting on a cloud equal to that of the buddha. the buddha then pointed up at a bright star, radiant as the sun and said “someday you will reach that star, you will attain nirvana. i have initiated the process, it is up to you to continue it.” with those words, the buddha rose and i was back on earth.

Thanks anita;) I realized that yesterday, I also lost one of my goals of joining the military because my parents didn’t think I was strong enough, but I’m thinking of building up my health and immune system and reapplying after college. i’m struggling in ap world history because i find that i need time to think about what i write first and provide a good analysis why this event happened as result of this and it can be hard trying to provide evidence and reasons for similarities and differences between political, economic or religious structures of countries (planning is only 15 minutes and the essay is 40 minutes). i often have to lay things out in detail before i see things it takes me time to go over my notes to process things. there are students in my physics honors class that can memorize a concept and apply it five seconds after they have heard the lecture and i feel so incompetent to them because i have to take another 15 minutes to completely look over and process everything. i often find myself feeling dumb because a lot of my friends are better, quicker thinkers at math than i am, but i think it’s because they have been practicing longer than i have. i have just discovered my interest in math and science and working my way to becoming better. my pre-calc teacher is great, she explains things quite simplistically that it’s not hard, i know how to quickly solve rational functions and it is cool and fun instead of the tedious long equations that i had in former math classes. my pre-calc teacher has shortcuts and simpler ways to do things. i am learning lots in physics honors such as calculating distance and speed of cars and using trigonometric functions to figure out the angles (find the direction) or magnitude (distance covered), it can be challenging at times because it can be a lot to process at first, but after i review my notes, i realize it isn’t too bad. these days however there are times when i feel so inadequate compared to my friends. i have a friend who knows computer programming, electronics (especially graphing calculators and radios). he is always experimenting with ways to draw a diagram on a graphing calculator or how to rewire a transistor radio, or how to manipulate a website. i am good with first aid, nature and i know basic survival like he does, but some of the things he knows are so cool that i wish i was him at times. i am still working on how to make my mind think faster and calculate faster, which it has made some progress, yet sometimes compared to him i feel so inadequate. i wish i knew the things he knew. i’m thinking of taking a java, electronics class and calculus class next year so i can learn some things and get a start and maybe try to experiment on my own. i just wish i knew where to start and how to stay motivated because high school has become more competitive and even friends are competing with friends now. he and another one of guys who is also my friend and his, yet they are teaming up to help each other in english and math and i feel left out. yet i also have some other friends who can also help me with school and we are often together planning ways to advance in the competition while those two guys (mentioned above as my friends work together to compete against me).i enjoy reading to relax, but he enjoys playing with electronics and discovering new things. i think my special friend and i are drifting away because we have new friends and it is always awkward when we run into each other, we just smile friendly smile at each other or sometimes don’t even look at each other. i currently have many friends in track, paranormal society and also friends who share my interests. the two guys i am competing with are quite intelligent and one is really good at english and the other is good at math and i feel like i have lots to do to keep up with them together. there are times when i don’t know where to start or how i ‘m going to catch up with them or i think i’m so inadequate. i know for sure that i want to learn how to process and calculate things really quickly and also work with computers and electronics.

thanks anita, that was a very insightful post;) i like the baby turtle analogy, i makes me feel like everyone is going through the same things in life and facing obstacles like the turtles have to avoid being prey, i have to avoid falling back, giving up and battle the obstacles. also like the turtles who have to make it into the world using their skills and they face many obstacles, i feel like that life gives us many obstacles and the current always is ready to beat people back (much like the waves and the predators inhibit the turtles from going out into the world), so people must learn to swim and keep themselves focused on their goal. The turtle analogy reminds me of the turtle in Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck which was about how the migrant workers were forced off the land after the Dust Bowl since the employers were losing money since the workers couldn’t produce crops. the turtle represents the migrant workers. the turtle is traveling along the road and it comes along a slippery part of the dust and it’s feet slip, but it rights itself and continues going. the turtle is hit by a driver who represents the landowners who purposefully destroy the homes of the migrant workers and drive them out and sometimes beat them for striking. the driver who swerves to avoid the turtle represents the people who are the overseers who fearful of losing their jobs go along blindly with the landowners, yet they wish they could make things different, but they don’t know how. yet, the turtle continues on, struggling, yet putting one foot in front of the other until its path is blocked by a 5 inch wall. the turtle tries and by the third time manages to get over the wall. i think the turtle is also symbolic of the struggles people face in life and moving from goal to goal. also the shell of the turtle represents the turtle’s home and security and it is what the turtle carries as he goes much like the migrant workers carry their supplies as the landowners keep forcing them to relocate. i admire jim casy (initials J.C for jesus) in the book because he is outspoken and told the police that the workers needed better working conditions and better wages and he was killed, his sacrifice for what he believed in incited tom joad to continue in his footsteps for equality for workers. i would like to become more spiritually fulfilled and learn how to better my community. i am more interested in math and science this days because it allows me to experiment with ways to solve problems and also get hands on experience through labs. it is cool because i actually apply it to real life and can venture out more that i do in ap history and ap english. i want to get out there and experience as much as i can and also learn a lot. i don’t like just taking notes and reading a book as i do in history and english, but actually developing the skills in life. i love pre-calc because the math skills i’ve learned and the teacher is great, i feel like i have more clarity with simplifying rational equations than i did before. i agree that you can’t focus on your inadequacies because that doesn’t get you anywhere, you have to make use of the skills you have in life to improve and get yourself toward your goals. i think i need to learn to be more self-accepting of myself because i see and hear all my friends and classmates knowing so many things and wishing i could be them. sometimes i wish my parents weren’t restaurant workers because of the stress it brings and of the less time spent together as a family and i wish they were parents who were math and science teachers instead so they could help me with the competition in school. i feel like school should also have more real world application things like a first and emergency aid class or survival class to complement with education. i am more of a community service and experiencing the world person and have goals of hiking and possibly climbing a mountain. i have an interest in trying new things and finding ways to make myself healthier and happier and then turning it around to the world. yet, seeing my friends sometimes i feel like they have more experience than i do. going back to girl interrupted and how susanna kaysen didn’t think the educational system was right for her because it didn’t teach her what to really expect in the real world, there are times when i feel the same way. i enjoy education and learning, but there is something more, there is an adventurous desire in me to go out and inspire people and experience things more, to really live life and learn hands on rather than being in a classroom using books. i feel like susanna makes a point when she says at the end of her book that the girl is being interrupted at her music by her teacher. susanna feels like she needs to understand the world more and learn to see who she really is as a person because she doesn’t know her talents and she wants to pursue a way to live life and her teachers keep interrupting her by asking her why she isn’t committed in school. she feels trapped with obstacles in this world and she doesn’t know where her future lies or if she even has a future, she feels so inadequate about herself and often when she mentions i think it was john? discovering the secret of life, she envies him because she feels he knows more about life than she does. i almost feel like one of my friends who is great with electronics and computers is that way and that he has such a stable future and i’m still on my path and building my confidence, like john in girl interrupted, my friend is self-assured while i still have times of doubt about myself.

Thanks anita. i like your advice that not everyone who appears self-assured is all self-assured. it reminds me of illusion vs. reality in the great gatsby of how people sometimes hide their insecurities behind wealth. i feel bad for gatsby because did so many things in acquiring wealth for daisy, dedicating everything he had to that dream that he lost focus in everything else and when he couldn’t have daisy, he was devastated. i felt like gatsby spent all his time in an illusionary dream that he couldn’t have and when his reality was given to him, he realized he wasted all his life in a pursuit of something he couldn’t have. he was never happy without daisy and didn’t want to move forward and kept focusing on the past. i like the buddha quote: “live in the present because you can’t change the past and it only makes you sad, looking to the future makes you anxious, so live in the present and enjoy every moment of it since how you live now is how you go about creating your future day to day.” although, i do think some people are more self-assured in life than others. if and when i have children, i hope that my child/children will learn the values of hard work, chasing their dreams and also to be self-assured of themselves. pre-calc is becoming more and more fun, most of the students are shy and hardworking and they are compassionate and help each other, i wish all my classes were like this. the teacher explains things in great detail and simplifies things such as when solving complex fractions with variables, you don’t have to multiply by the reciprocal and drive yourself crazy foiling, you can just multiply the numerator and denominator by the common denominator and work from there. also i never understood end behavior of polynomials or pascal’s triangle in algebra 2 honors very well because the teacher just gave us the formulas and just told us the patterns and we were expected to memorize them, my pre-calc teacher goes in-depth with the process and she explains why the end behavior of a polynomial may go in opposite directions with the arrows with odd leading exponent, to positive or negative infinity or go in same directions with even exponent. she also explained multiplicity better than my algebra 2 honors teacher. i liked both teachers, but my algebra 2 honors teacher was more strict while my pre-calc teacher is more laidback. i am currently trying to wrap my head around vector motion and projectile motion and using trigonometric functions to calculate the direction of a car that is traveling in physics honors. we have to draw diagrams using vectors that describe the path of the car as it travels in a distance of different cardinal directions at different angles on a coordinate plane. it can be confusing where to place the angels in the diagram or which distance is the vertical and which is the horizontal at times and in physics honors most of the students just are independent and work individually so if you don’t understand something you have to learn it yourself or hope the teacher explains it well, but the teacher usually explains it quickly and doesn’t go into specifics so it can still be unclear. i have an 84 in that class right now because i received a 71 on a quiz, i think i have a test on tuesday on vectors and i hope i do well on it. in ap english, everyone is quite sociable and i enjoy being around my friends, but they are too sociable at times and sometimes i don’t feel like i’m receiving the education i need. I feel like everyone has tangible talents such as good at english, good at electronics or good at math. however i feel like i am good at the intangible things like comforting people, science (experiments and exploring the world) and things like health and spiritual matters. sometimes i feel lesser because the people who have tangible talents can demonstrate them while i’m more vast and broad. i am more adventurous than logical and sometimes it makes me feel like i don’t have anything tangible to offer to the world. however my friend who is great at english told me today that sometimes the intangible things like love matter more in life than the tangible things because they create lasting memories, can be given to anyone, anywhere and also last forever. i am still working on becoming quicker thinking in problem solving and probability and stats, learning more about electricity and computers, but i truly enjoy science and helping people the most. i want the job i take to help the most people as possible whether it is gene therapy for cancer, reiki or military/police force. one of my friends whom i was sitting at lunch today told me that learning takes time and that it was great that i enjoyed pre-calc (he’s in honors, but i also understand his notes b/c pre-calc involves mostly algebra which i’m good at) and that i was good at science. he isn’t much of a science person, but he does like physics since it is mostly math. he and i share the same view that english and history are easy, but not very interesting and math and science are better. he encourages me not to be so stressed out over my grades because things always work out in the end. he is a good student, but he is quite laid-back and it is great to have someone who just doesn’t care what others think and enjoys learning just for the sake of learning. i need to be more like him. he often laughs at himself if he fails a test and resolves to study again, he doesn’t freak out like i do and start thinking that all the other tests will end up being bad as well. he keeps his notes simple so he doesn’t need to go crazy trying to memorize so many things, while i take extensive notes b/c i’m afraid i will miss something important. he is very simplistic and enjoys learning about lots of things but i think he and i are similar in the idea that we both are learning how to live in a competitive high school. he doesn’t seem to notice the competition though (it’s probably b/c he has mostly honors and college prep while i have ap and honors) or if he sees it he doesn’t let it affect him. he accepts that some people are more knowledgeable on some things than he is, but he doesn’t seem to mind. he is just focused on what he is interested in which also is computer programming (me too) and math. i often find myself wishing i could be more like one of my friends in ap english who seems to have everything: he knows how to communicate self-assuredly, he is athletic and healthy, he knows about electronics (graphing calculator which i wish i knew more about), computers (of which i and my lunch buddy are going to study in jave next year). both me and my friend at lunch know mostly math, share interest in reading especially in our free time, working out and community service. i also enjoy first aid and survival which the guy in ap english and i are on equal terms on. i just hope i do well in physics honors this year and ap world history which i have a 79 in b/c sometimes i’m not sure how to analyze the changes and continuities in a civilization or the similarities and differences. i’m more worried about physics honors though because i like the class, although it is challenging at times.

Thanks anita;) You give great advice and it is great to have someone to always be there to listen and talk to;) I feel like I have so many insecurities that I’m working to overcome. Yet, I think I have more confidence than I used to have in seventh grade. I think the thing I want most in life is to learn to be self-loving, healthy and to spread it to others. I think there will always be people who are negative in life and I try not to let them affect me. my special friend and I still are more like friendly acquaintances and I try to talk to him sometimes but he won’t look at me most of the time or if he does he seems awkward and doesn’t seem to acknowledge I’m really there. When his friends ask about me, he just says “He doesn’t know the person I have become anymore.” i try not to let this drift affect me, but there are the times when things seem normal and we are laughing and then that moment shatters and he looks at me like I’ve betrayed him. i still think he doesn’t like the guys i hang out with because they have higher gpas than he does.my parents are always big on my education and i do value education ,but i also have a focus on community service and working out. i balance those things quite well, yet sometimes i feel inadequate when they tell me i’m not good enough to do this or try out for this or that i am not focusing all on education. i wish they could understand that i worry more about my grades than my friends most of the time and i am always battling self-criticism in my head. i like my friends because they are very open-minded and i feel like i can be myself when i’m around them, yet sometimes i feel like my parents see so many limited things about me. my friends know that i’m not perfect, but they seem to be okay with it. yet, sometimes i wish i could be them instead of myself. sometimes their laid-back attitude , their interesting life (such as having parents who spend more time with them) and their self-assurance makes me envy them. i think one of my friends told me that my talents were my empathy for others (i always see both sides such as if there is an angry customer, i see their point as well as my own), my compassion for helping others (i’d give all of myself and anything to help someone in need), and my intense focus on goals, perseverance through life and curiosity for adventure and learning that make me a special person. he said i might not have the laid-back attitude that most of my friends have because i think too much of myself and my insecurities, i try to build on material tangible things that aren’t meant for me when my real purpose is intangible and to be there to grow spiritually and help others as well. he told me that i had to find a way to use my talents to uncover my potential in life rather than to be so self-criticizing about all i wasn’t. it reminds me of the buddhist path that if you rid yourself of desire (of trying to change for the better) and you accept your sufferings, you can create the person you want to be. i feel like i have so many desires on changing who i am, i see so many inadequacies in myself such as wishing i knew how to be a quicker problem solver, in probability and statistics and critical thinking, wishing i knew more of the tangible things in life and how to live. i feel like i have more of an imaginative mind rather than a logical mind and wish i could be more logical sometimes. i think if i could compare myself to anyone that i wanted to be or was like, it would be buddha. he left his palace of wealth, leaving material things behind, wishing for a view of the world and he came upon a sick, dead and old man. he was shocked at the world and wondered about why we suffer and he meditated on how to understand the world spiritually and to help guide others. i feel like i understand his interest in exploring the world, revering nature and also finding a way to understand life. i think i wish i could be like my friends who have their talents now and they can use them in their life and learn to live with them, while my talents sometimes seem small compared to theirs. my friends are inspiring people and earning awards for their accomplishments in electronics and computers, english and math and athletics while i feel left out. they seem to have secure futures where everyone who is scholarly looks upon them while i am a bit of an outcast. most of my school is christian and there aren’t many buddhists around. most of the students are focused on material things like status, possessions and school competition while i seem to be the one who is in the background of it all trying to find ways to be more spiritually fulfilled. everyone around me seems to already have their future planned and seems so self-assured, that it feels like my parents are also rushing me to it. i think the buddha spent 24 years under the bodhi tree meditating before he felt himself awaken, i think one of his virtues is also patience and self-acceptance. i’ve never been a procrastinator, i tend to get things done quickly often weeks before the due date that way i don’t have to worry about it. i can be a little impatient at times when i feel like things take forever because i’m the person who when i have a goal in mind wants to get on it right away and complete as many steps that i can first instead of dawdling. however, i am mostly patient and try not to rush myself often spending little by little on projects to get them done, yet i still end up finishing them before most of my classmates. i think i need to be more self-accepting, yet it can be hard when you see the competition of grades in ap and honors classes and the students who have many talents already ahead of you. i wish i could be like my lunch friend who is laid-back, doesn’t worry about being on tow with everyone, but just appreciates himself and is simplistic with his work. i think the thing i worry about is not being enough for this world and not being able to help the people in it. I see everyone around me getting awards for talents that have and i wish there was an award for people who are compassionate and community service based. I feel like our society seems to extol the athletes, geniuses and rich; there isn’t much on the people who try to live their lives helping others.

Thanks anita for the insight;) You are a very motivational person;) thanks for saying i am wise;) I like the turtle analogy, the turtles that are born close to the water are like the turtles who are born wealthy and seem to have the least obstacles while the turtles who aren’t are the ones who face obstacles throughout life. i agree that we have to play and accept the circumstances we are dealt. There are some people I know who are like the ‘untouchables’ in India’s caste system and my heart goes out to them. i read an article about an untouchable whose parents were construction miners decide to run for president. i think it goes to show that no matter how bad the situation is, there is still hope for the better, it all matters on your attitude. there are people at my school who are ridiculed because of their appearance (weight, race, acne) and it makes me more compassionate towards them. there is a girl with downs syndrome that people constantly make fun of the way she talks and even though people laugh at me for asking her to come sit with me and my friends, i don’t care. i agree that your environment often affects you as a person. i think everyone wishes they were rich and had many material things, but i am more concerned about just having health and happiness. i agree that money is important, but sometimes our society focuses too much on money that they lose sight of the true meaning of life. i agree that part of my distress comes from the fact that my parents are always busy as compared to my friends’ parents who seem to have easier jobs at eight hours instead of usual twelve hours my parents and me (i help them) have to work. thanks for saying, i am good at both the tangible and intangible:) i find that i don’t take some of the things most people take for granted such as being able to afford a trip to disneyland because with the restaurant taking up all the time, i am mostly just grateful for having friends and having an education. if i could pick anywhere to go in the world, it would be to a buddhist monastery to meditate and be more aware in life, hiking in nature or up a mountain or working out at a gym. i never liked tv, video games , anime or manga or taking a trip somewhere with so much glamour. i am more of a person who wants to spend some time near a lake fishing or out camping looking up at the stars. when people complain about what they don’t have or how they will never get to where the wealthy and intelligent are, i tune them out, i try to be grateful for being alive and be hopeful in life. in I am the Messenger by Markus Zusak, ed kennedy loses his father at a young age. his father was always a loving person who encouraged ed, now his mother takes out her sadness on ed by saying he is not good enough, always saying he is useless compared to all his other brothers. ed ends up being a cab driver with no sense of direction in life, yet he loves this girl audrey. however, he believes his friend marv is better for her because he has a business and a secure future and marc is a professional gambler. his life changes at nineteen when he stops a bank robbery and soon messages written on aces began arriving in the mail asking him to help with places where people who have lost someone, are in poverty or just need encouragement. ed doesn’t believe he is a hero, but he realizes that he is obligated to do it since he was threatened by two men. he goes to help a girl at her track meet named sophie, pretends to be jimmy for an widow who lost her husband in the military, teaches two warring brothers to unite and helps brighten some poor people and more. when ed feels like he is done with the aces in the card stack, he is relieved, yet he realizes the experience has made him feel like he has some worth in society. ed is shocked when there is a last card, the joker and it states his mother’s address, audrey’s address, marv’s address and also ritchie’s ( a friend of ed’s who is an orphan and doesn’t do much except play with radios and gamble). he realizes that he has to face his mother’s criticism, state his love for audrey (successful) and find out why marv is so stingy with money (turns out marv wanted to keep his money to give to the poor and also to make sure he had enough to live by) and ritchie is a loner and just needs comfort. after completing the last card, ed is greeted by the two men who threatened him and the person who started this and they congratulate him, they tell him that they wanted to make him feel more worthy and also that it was up to him to continue the story. ed meets the released bank robber who he discovers purposefully robbed the bank and set this in store for ed. the bank robber says this to ed ‘I told you before that you were a dead man. are you still a dead man?” the bankrobber knew that ed kennedy didn’t have a future in life and he got arrested just so he could plan a way to help ed and also the robbery brought some news to ed. anyway, ed answers that he isn’t a dead man anymore. the bankrobber says “good, then my work is done.” ed can’t believe that the bankrobber went to jail for all those people ed helped and he realizes he may never see the bank robber or those two men again, but he is going to start living his life, maybe going back to college and studying science (his passion) before his father died and he didn’t feel like life was much anyway. i think it is great that ed was able relive his life again and also be successful with audrey (whom her challenge was that she never let herself love someone because she had been betrayed so many times). anyway, i have been busy toning my body and i am limiting junk food like cookies, donuts and chocolate and eating healthier foods such as kale, brown rice (i’ve been eating rice since i was seven and i love it). i haven’t eaten fast food or pizza for two years and also haven’t drank soda or eaten chips in three years. i limit myself to three cookies per week than i skip three weeks and i usually eat oatmeal raisin or cinnamon with less sugar. i haven’t had a donut in 6 months, but sometimes if i do eat one, i make sure it is plain and also only eat one in a month than for five months, i don’t eat it. i only drink coffee once every three months and i haven’t eaten a bagel (200 calories)in since months. i hate it when some of my friends send me holiday packages with cakes, candies and also cookies and other unhealthy stuff because i don’t want to eat it. it annoys me when they think i’m too skinny, but i want to be healthy and i am currently 115 pounds and 5’ 5”. some of my friends are overweight or they complain about pain in their joints. if i do eat something unhealthy even if it is very moderate, i always have a workout to cut the calories. some of my friends think because i work out, i can eat this stuff and they think i’m too skinny which really annoys me. i want to be healthy and eat well. after my workouts, i typically refuel on protein and vegetables and healthy carbohydrates not junk food. i don’t want to be like them. this is why i appreciate my friends who enjoy working out, having education and also community service more. also when rush hour comes at my restaurant my parents think they burn calories, but it really isn’t the best way to tone. toning requires stretching, endurance, strength training, agility and cardio which i spend an hour each day working out. i did track for two years in high school and think i will try out again. sprints and heavy endurance burn more calories, but toning requires a more moderate workout. i think i will be a thrower, sprinter and distance runner. i have SATs february 20th, but i’m not worried about them because i have good teachers who help by telling me what may be on the SATs. i wish my parents would stop ragging me about my education because i haven’t gotten anything less than an 82 overall average in my life. they think i should drop my extracurriculars of community service and working out to focus all on education, but i strive for balance. next year, my senior year i will join mock trial (learn how to debate, lawyer, learn public speaking) and also the math team. i currently have community service in voices and also paranormal society and garden club on thursdays. i want to join art club, but it conflicts with my time on tuesdays, but i like the idea of doing murals especially to repay back the high school that has given me so much. rush hour is straining on my parents, but i try to laugh at just be grateful i’m alive in life. a lot of the customers don’t like me because i’m a buddhist wiccan and after meditation my aura radiates a fierce positive energy and they seem to think it is uncomfortable to be around me. i’m glad i have friends who don’t care about my religion and when i radiate fierce positive energy and send it to others who need healing, they enjoy it and i find that they are attracted to it. my two friends, one who is great at english and the other who is good at electronics find me quite inspirational at times when i radiate fierce soul energy. it also comes when i have dreams of angels or buddha. i think most of my dreams have meaning, last night i had a terrible dream that i walked into a dark abandoned house for the winter because i was poor. it turned out to be the den of a gang and i got picked up and thrown out and my head got a bump from where it hit the snow mountain. i wonder what it means.

Thanks anita;) I am nervous because I kept a tally of how many calories of junk food I ate for five days (starting from feb. 12) to today and it turns out they added to around 400, so 80 calories each day. for monday, i ate a cinnamon cookie and twix bar. for friday (feb. 12), i ate a donut with 1/8 cream and 3 chocolates. for sat. i ate half a cinnamon cookie. for sun., i ate a half of cookie and 1/2 oz of rice krispie. for tues. i ate 1.125 cups of chips because i had a party after school. I think i am going to hold off from eating anything unhealthy for the next three weeks. On the positive side, most of my main meals have been whole grain bread and brown rice with kale, carrots and seafood. I like your interpretation of the dream. I feel like i have a fear of not getting a 85 or higher in ap world history this semester (i have gotten them 1st and 2nd semester) because we are doing so many analysis of different cultures and i tend to get them mixed up. also i hope i make it with an 85 or higher in physics honors because trigonometric functions and vector motion are annoying. i miss freefall and acceleration when you were given the distance and you only had two variables to solve for. now we are deriving equations and also drawing diagrams to figure out the direction an object is moving in and solving for initial velocity at times, distance at others and time for others and it just makes my head spin at times. it can be hard to know how to break the diagrams into separate components so it’s easier to solve or to take parts in a word problem to make an equation because sometimes i get the numbers mixed up with the wrong values such as i’ll put 200 m for the distance when i really should be finding the distance and the whole thing ends up being confusing. however, i think i understand the basics behind the problems, it takes me a while to process every step. tomorrow i will have a lab where i work in a group to collect results on the distance of a ball that we throw into a cup. sometimes i feel like i don’t really belong in my physics honors class because everyone is quick to process things and it takes me a while to. when we do labs, if you don’t understand something most of the team members are busy with their own work and everyone is competing with each other to do well, so you have to fend for yourself or hope the teacher explains it. the class i like best is pre-calc because i feel like the students help each other and the teacher explains things quite well. i feel annoyed because my grades have dropped in all but pre-calc which is 101.6. i have an 87.1 in ap english (95 in 1st and 2nd semester), an 84.3 in physics honors which will probably be a 79 after the quiz i took today and an 81.5 in ap world history. about the love music playing, anita what kind of music do you like? i am trying to come up with good music for meditation.