i like your analogy of creating an inner best friend that sees the good in me. i know one thing i want in life is to spend at least three years in nature relearning who i truly am underneath all the labels that i have. two labels that fit me perfectly are scientific and spiritual and everything else doesn’t seem to fit. i want to spend time alone far from people to get a sense of my soul. i want to drop all the prejudices, negativities and the materialism of society and find myself. i don’t care what others say b/c i know my main goal in life is to find myself, to be one with who i am. i’m done with all the criticisms my parents put on me: “you’ll never make it out in life. you’re not strong enough. you’re not smart enough to go for that career. you don’t know anything about life.” well the criticisms can keep coming and i won’t care b/c i will follow my heart and listen to only the inner best friend that you mentioned. i will remake myself into the person i want to be, not what society decrees. i may be hurt on the inside, but admist the darkest skies, there is the star of my heart that keeps glowing and i will follow that star to the end of eternity no matter what. that is why i’ve been getting dreams not of me working in a lab, but secluded in a convent with other buddhist nuns meditating. i think that may be my career path to withdraw from the world and enter into a convent. i had another dream about the buddha and he held out his hand to me and said “i know you are suffering. come with me.” he took my hand and we came upon a dry river bank and i asked “why is there no water here?” i began to cry and i watched in amazement as my tears filled cleaved the banks and provided a river. then the buddha raised his hand and there were cups in the shape of stars and people came and thanked me for giving them water in the desert. the buddha took my hand and said ” you see? even your tears have a purpose in life. even at the broken parts, you can fill the hollowness of someone else.” i was quite amazed and then the buddha took me across a bridge to a monastery where there were monks, i was surprised to see the monks greet me like they had known me all along and i felt as if i was truly where i belonged. i was accepted into the monastery and began to meditate along with them and the buddha left and said “farewell child, learn your divine purpose and we will soon meet again.”

so my special friend asked me to run with him out in nature after school today, we had lots of fun listening to the wind whistle through the trees. when we took a break under the shade of a tree, we looked at each other and started laughing, it was great. then we talked about school and we comforted each other about our grades. currently andrew and i have been helping each other in ap biology and andrew has a great sense of humor. i realize that andrew can be quite serious at times, but also quite fun to be around. we often work together on taking notes and doing test corrections.

so i caught up in java, but i am a bad test taker for ap calc. i often blank out after doing the first few problems. i took a test today on first and 2nd derivatives along with other theorems and i don’t think i did well. i am busy with ap biology, have to do 14 more test corrections due tomorrow. i also have to outline 2 chapters for ap biology. the work never ends. andrew has a great sense of humor and he is a great problem-solver so he often helps me with ap calc or ap biology. andrew is quite an optimist, he always makes himself or others laugh and he is fun to be around. no matter how dire the situation, andrew can be relaxed and find something funny. that is one of the traits i like about him. he is also adventurous and a risk-taker and i admire that. i think i am becoming more like the easy-going person that andrew is.

i like your idea. thanks anita;) dave is still laid-back, but i don’t see him as often, i see andrew more. i’m going to do my ap biology notes this weekend and i love the colored pens i got which are easier to write with than color pencils. also adding to my relationship resume: accepting, likes to travel, someone like you anita, someone who lets me be myself. you are a great person who is understanding and compassionate even of the dark parts and by talking to you, i feel like i can release them.

it’s this week that i have a four day weekend so i don’t have school thurs.-sunday. i’m currently taking a break from my ap biology notes. i think colored pencils are good for drawing pictures and they can be erased, but they need to be constantly sharpened after taking many pages of notes so i like colored pens for note-taking, colored pencils for pictures and diagrams. i think i have a temper, but it takes a lot to make me mad, but my temper could set the person i am aflame (figuratively) since i tend to play mischief in getting revenge. i am very willful and perseverant in pursuing the things i care about and i wouldn’t stop at anything or what anyone tells me to give up on my dreams. i’m technically a marshmallow disguised as a cactus, those who don’t know me well think of me as strong, aloof, cold and logical. however i am extremely loyal to the people and things i care about. also i am extremely against bullying and harassment of any kind and i often find myself actively defending those people regardless of what others say. i listen to some spiritual and some sad songs sometimes the sad songs are to make me understand how to better help those people, to be empathetic to what they feel or to make me realize that life is beautiful and we should appreciate the little things. there are people who don’t know me well who think i’m strange when they hear me listening to songs about prejudices, not belonging or depression. but i listen to them to make me more appreciative of what i have and to get myself closer to the people i want to help. also instead of pushing the inner bully away and running from it, these sad songs give me a chance to see through the inner bully’s eyes and get to know it better. when i know the inner bully better, i can predict what it will do and face it better instead of hiding or running from it. i think the world is grey, but most of my songs are black and white, the spiritual are like being in heaven and the sadness is like being in a black hole. yet, a person must acknowledge the dark parts of him or herself to release them into the light which is what i want to do. i want to learn from the dark parts in me and ask the dark parts what i have neglected in my life that has lead to them and release them.