I agree that in social situations it is important to control anger and other emotions especially since sometimes anger leads to bad confrontations. if someone makes you angry, look away from them and lower your voice, deal you business listening to both sides then walk away an put your anger to good use such as working out. i also agree that not everyone is nice, but it is our attitude that is important. we can’t live without fear since fear also helps us in the way that it keeps us safe such as most people wouldn’t want to go rock climbing without a safety harness, but it’s the attitude that we have with fear that counts. we can let our fear and anger limit us from our dreams or when can try to overcome our obstacles. there are people who are successful who are miserable, but their are people who do simple jobs who are happy. you wouldn’t be said to be having a life if you did something that made you miserable, even if you made a living. i have wanted to be athletic since seventh grade when i was bullied for athleticism, but once i achieved it, i still didn’t think i was perfect b/c i wanted to be smarter. we can’t keep changing ourselves for the better when we feel insecure on the inside. my inner bully often makes situations worse than they really are and often makes me irritated at myself, but what the inner bully thinks often isn’t what the world sees me as. i want to find a way to live happily on the inside, then when i feel happy on the inside i can reflect it on the outside.

i agree that there is no such thing as perfection, but there is a sense of peace when you begin to accept yourself as you are. i like to be alone out in nature and when i get a job as a molecular biologist, i’m going to get a house near some woods. fear is good in that it keeps people from doing dangerous things, but it’s bad when it keeps you from your dreams. my parents’ judgmental views get on my nerves a lot of the time.

i have a few friends who are bisexual, gay and transgender. Here are the reasons I don’t get along with my family:
Both of my parents and brother don’t like LGBT people.
I am a Buddhist wiccan and my parents think most spirits are evil so sometimes when I talk to spirits they think I’m weird. My brother and my dad are atheists and my mom is a taoist. my parents are going for christianity which clashes with my buddhist wiccan belief.
My dad likes toolworking too much, while my mom is too wrapped up in her bills.
My mom complains about being unhealthy, but she won’t change her habits such as getting some exercise or eating the right amount of food portions, no matter how hard I get her to.
They are very patriarchal and think that girls can’t be scientists or shouldn’t bench press or do pull-ups.
I am the polar opposite of my mom who likes shopping for clothes, fashion, jewelry and flowers. I rather wear shorts and a t-shirt as opposed to a skirt and I enjoy keeping my hair short b/c when I do science labs long hair is a hazard and also so it doesn’t blow in my face when I’m working out. I like to work with scientific tools, workout and shop for healthy food.
They tell me to “deal with it” when I try to confide in them or they tell me to “mind my own self” when I tell them about my friends.
They tend to spy on me on a lot on things even when I want to be alone.
My mom overdramatizes ever situation that makes her mad and she lets her anger leave her staggering.
They need to ask me about everything when it is in english b/c they can’t speak it well even when i’m busy with school work.
They criticize me and say I have no life skills and I’m nothing compared to my brother. Just b/c I’m not good at finances, tool work. they say i only have book knowledge and nothing else.

thanks a lot anita, you are the most understanding and compassionate friend i’ve met:D i took a break for a while b/c my inner bully was making my brain hurt and i was fighting it for four days and it was relentless. it kept telling “you are ugly. you are nothing. you are fat.” i am glad to say that it has faded for a while. i feel glad that i made a victory again even though it was hard this time, but i feel much better and stronger to have triumphed. also your kind words on this site always uplift me;) thank you for having faith in me. school starts tomorrow, can’t wait:)

• This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Janus.

I’m working on getting the hang of the Ti-89 calculator for ap calc and it’s quite advanced. The thing I need to remember is to put parentheses for most of my data when typing it in b/c my old calculator didn’t require parentheses. I also find that after checking with my calculator for the results to the problems, it gives a different answer than what I came up when when I solved it on my own, so I’m still working on finding out my mistake (since I double checked and the calculator is still giving the same result). There are so little people in my class this year, but it’s good b/c it’s quiet and peaceful, here are the classes in order that I take them in this semester (ap classes are full year). There are only 13 students in my ap calc class, 10 in my business/web develop., around 15 in my ap bio class and around 18 in my java class. my former lunch buddy steve feng is in my ap calc class. I have A lunch which is crowded this year with around 60 students there and Andrew, zach (from former ap world history) and javi (former track mate, also he was in my cooking/sewing class in freshman year). Andrew is competitive as ever in ap biology with me especially since we have group competitions with our ap bio studybook. i had a feeling before school started in july that i wouldn’t see dave in my classes and i was right. while in school, i went to visit my former ap english teacher to return her books, i thought i saw dave, but it wasn’t him. I also had a feeling a week before school started that there would be a guy named sal in one of my classes and i was right. sal is very ambitious and wants to be more independent with his own company or work and likes nature like me. i admire his confidence in himself b/c he doesn’t look up to anyone, but himself. he is quite high-achieving and really believes in his abilities and that is who i want to be. someone without an inner bully, but an inner critic that keeps me motivated to work my best. i have a feeling that i will see kordell (former ap world history, swimmer, entertaining) again, i don’t know why, it’s just a strong feeling. i know that kordell is taking psychology with mrs. whelan (former ap world history teacher) probably in spring semester so when i visit my former teacher, i may see him. no surprises here that my special friend is in A lunch with me, I had a feeling that he would be b/c he has been in lunches the whole high school years (C,B,C,A goes the lunch order. however this year the school downsized and there is no more B lunch so A is crowded). anyway, my special friend is quite happy with his gf and occupied with his classes and college applications so we haven’t talked for 2.5 months (includes the last three weeks of july and august along with now). We still look out for each other though and I am happy that he is happy with her right now. We are more comfortable around each other b/c formerly we had romantic interests in each other, but that has faded a bit. I think a relationship with him would have complicated things anyway so I’m happy that he has found someone and I’m glad we are still friends which is just right for us. It’s strange that my inner bully seems less in school, it’s probably b/c i’m with people similar to me and also enjoy learning. during the summer being with my family at the restaurant with people i feel don’t know me well, i feel insecure. so i think my inner bully is an environmental thing. i can be quite happy in the library, but in the gym where i’m a decent athlete (not great), i feel insecure. my inner bully seems to often use situations that i’m already shy in to rear its head and say “look all those people think you’re ugly. you have big thighs.your stomach is too big. your chest is too big and saggy.” i find that when i’m in my environment, i am quite confident and there is no inner bully.
i’m nervous about doing well in ap calc b/c apparently andrew is competing with me in that class (we don’t share the same class, he has it 2nd block, while I have it 1st), but we still compete. some of the problems are a bit complex and like i said above my calculator doesn’t agree with me so i need to work on it since the test is on thurs and the teacher is collecting the packet tomorrow.

surprisingly andrew was in a great mood today and we had lots of laughs during ap biology (3A). he even helped me with some of science questions. while in 2nd block business/web class, i thought i would have time to type this, but the teacher assigned a current event so i did that. sal saw what i wrote about him (he sits next to me in class) and he smiled. anyway, the current event took me the whole block (80 minutes) since i was researching the economy of germany and how britain debated on dropping out of the EU. anyway, i managed to finish with 5 minutes left in the block and sal and this girl (also sits on my right, i think her name is amanda, alyssa?) were helping me finish. i like the classmates in my business/web class, they are really good at working as a team and quite fun to be around, the teacher is great also since he helps make sure his students are caught up. also surprisingly today, dave is in my 3A lunch:) i had an appointment with the guidance counselor on college questions and she said that i should start applying in dec. to occ, so i was too early before and a few other questions, she cleared some of my anxiety and i was a bit late to lunch but that’s okay. i looked around for a while for a table to sit and i sat with a couple friends i knew such as storm (he has a great sense of humor a.k.a quote ‘marijuana is the devil’s grass.’ he is really against smoking. anyway, he took ap calc last year and is glad that i’m taking it this year b/c he can help me with some of the stuff i need help with just b/c he wants to feel smart;) and i don’t mind. i didn’t know dave was friends with storm as well, but i saw him circle around our table, leave and then sit at our table.
i’m glad the middle table was filled today b/c yesterday i sat there by myself, so today when the table was full, i found somewhere else to sit and surprisingly met dave. anyway, dave is taking ap calc 2nd block with andrew so there is still part of the trio from former ap english (dave, andrew and me). anyway, dave responded to my email about bible codes that i sent to him 3 weeks ago in person. my ap calc teacher is great at explaining things, but i’m still a bit vague on some areas of the calculator. he explains things well with class concepts, but the calculator is a bit confusing. i hope you do well with your new cellphone, anita. so my ap calc teacher didn’t collect the summer packets today b/c he allowed us to use them to study for tomorrow’s test. the great thing about my ap calc class is that everyone is very attentive to the teacher and they enjoy learning and it’s easy to concentrate in there. in java today, 3 guys had the best paper airplanes (anthony and jeff tied, steve neff from former ap world history) and i tied in fourth with someone else. we then renovated our paper airplanes (except the ones that did well, they kept their same steps which we wrote on a paper) and switched papers. we had to use the paper we got and follow their instructions on making a paper airplane some of the instructions were quite creative such as “fold a 30 degree angle near the corners to make a sharper nose.” some of the classmates are better at vocally teaching then writing the steps including anthony. i find that when in ap biology, i try to explain things to people, i make it a bit complex so i wouldn’t be a good teacher, in fact i do that with a lot of my subjects except math and computers. most of the airplanes that others made did not turn out like the ones the original owner made. some were better, worse or not even airplanes. vincent (entertaining and smart) in the class got my instructions and made my airplane look like a bird. i got alex’s instructions and made his look like a boat. anyway, java is the process of telling a computer a set of directions to make it run, so that is why we have the airplane analogy. in java we also got introduced to coding with a game where we dragged commands to help the bird get to the pig (angry birds). i made it to level 3 and i was a bit stuck. java and business/web use the same websites to learn so it’s easy to navigate and they both use google classroom. the thing i like about my classes this year are the teachers and the classmates which work well together. we are competitive, but in a more laidback manner and we help each other. we make each other laugh and enjoy ourselves. remember when i said i had a feeling that i would see kordell? also in ap biology today i had a friend who needed to see mrs.whelan for a psychology question so i went with her after class and i saw kordell there;) there is a girl named liz in my ap biology class and she has a great sense of humor and i also wish i had her hair color which is russet, but changes from brown with golden highlights. i like my ap biology class group. all of them aren’t good test takers esp. emma, but they are quite smart and fun to be around. i like emma b/c she is mature and has confidence about herself. i realize that i’m not ‘stupid’ b/c i’m not the best test taker b/c there are others like that. i am good at picking up new concepts and experimenting more than memorizing formulas and definitions.

third day of school had a lot more work and my brain was exercised, but i had fun while doing it. during A lunch, i sat at another table different from yesterday b/c it was crowded at dave’s table so i sat at another table and surprisingly it was andrew’s table. also kordell is in my lunch as well;) andrew seems a bit annoyed at me today b/c my ap calc class (1st block) is ahead in learning and i also got a better score than he did on the ap biology study review on chapter 54 on ecology. also while i was in the library for the first few minutes of my lunch, i saw my friend francine (from self-defense club) and she also has A lunch. anyway, i got too college financial planning books. thanks for saying i explain things well, anita;) i think when i am very excited to learn i tend to form many analogies and go in many places and tell how they all interrelate so that is why some people get confused. i can explain math and computer concepts slower and make people understand better b/c i’m still learning on those and when i understand it and explain it, it is less complex. but for subjects that i’m great at, i tend to explain quickly and a lot which may confuse people. i think dave is a lot like sal lepore, they both get along with people well and have confidence in themselves. in my 2nd block class, we did a high school website analysis and my school website brick memorial is the worst, while toms river and asbury park is pretty good. this activity of comparing ten school websites gave me and my partner alec some insight on how to design an appealing website. i like my business and web class b/c everyone works together and helps each other much like my cooking/sewing class in freshman year. also javi is in my lunch if i didn’t mention before and he used to be in my cooking/sewing class. we used to race each other on the sewing machine. i feel like i’ve known emma since elementary school b/c she was in my second grade at lanes mill, but we didn’t interact as often. you are right that some people appear confident when they aren’t b/c i was watching emma today during ap biology and she seemed confident, but when she got the answers to the ap biology study questions she was nervous. i think snails have four noses and also there aren’t that many snails here. when it rains, there used to be slugs at midstreams elementary (3rd-5th grade) school where we had to wait for the doors to open, i used to have to squash them. anyway, they got a pesticide that prevents the slugs from being there so it’s okay in fourth grade. good luck with figuring out the gender of the snails. it is usually hard to tell snail’s genders since most have both gender parts. here are some tips borrowed from animals.mom.me:
Some snails will mate though and if you are lucky- the male snail delivers a sperm packet from the front of his shell to hers. The female lays eggs above the waterline.
If not, check their physical traits- the male shell’s are rounder. when the snail emerges from the shell there is a penis sheath on the right side next to the gills, females don’t have this bulge.
Snails mating signs are: circling around each other for 6 hours touching their tentacles and biting their lips. While this is going on, the male snail’s penis is turned inside out. as pressure builds, there is a triggers an organ housing the love dart (similar to a love arrow from eros the greek god of love, no wonder why they call it ‘lovestruck’). each snail maneuvers to get closer and in the best position and when one snail touches the genital pore of the other it triggers the firing of the love dart which has sperm. wikipedia.com
this is where we also get the saying ‘love hurts’ b/c a new study says that the aim may not be right and may go through the head or internal organs of the other snail and damage them. a love darted snail only lives 60 days after and it decreases fertility which is where we get the expression ‘tough love.’ the dart is supposed to prevent the mother from mating again, much like some spiders will do that to their mates even though their is sexual cannibalism in spiders in which female eats male after mating.
from nationalgeographic.com/snailmating

Speaking of love and relationships. I think relationships are like water. They are transparent and sometimes you only see the reflection on the surface and you have to look deeper to see that true person. Relationships like water can be held in a glass in which the glass containing the water breaks and the pieces are strewn around and you feel like drowning. yet, we are stronger at the broken pieces. iron tempered with fire makes steel. as lemony snicket said in his book called The Slippery Slope, “Even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.” i’m beginning to think like andrew and use science to generalize a lot of things, i have 10 poems written in my book, but currently haven’t had time to post them and i have a draft and good ideas for my college essay which i want to post. it has my spiritual side in it more than my analytical side. i’m thinking of going into genetic engineering so i can utilize my ap calc, computer and also all sciences knowledge. i think i am more like andrew than i thought, i even understand electronics a lot more and even though andrew still knows more about radios, i’m learning about calculators, computers, cars (from my computer class and also my dad), virtual reality headsets (java and business/web talk about them). so i’m just as smart as he is, maybe smarter that he is probably why he gets a bit annoyed at me at times. andrew and i may be working together one day b/c he is better at physics, but i’m catching up, but a lot of biochemistry learners work with electric engineers, computer science people and biophysics which is all the talents andrew has. with our different schedules, my special friend either has been ignoring me or we just don’t see each other. steve (my lunch buddy) helped me with my ap calc thing today. i don’t think i did great on the summer packet test. i have an 86.4 in ap biology right now. i got a 100 on my summer packet for ap calc and a 75 on the test. i have an 87.5 in ap calculus right now.

also anglo-saxon is the oldest form of english. their were the angles and the saxons who spoke similar languages but lived separately, but decided to unite to fight a common enemy called the persians. they won and formed a language called anglo-saxon. anglo-saxon is a difficult language to study in college, but it goes back in history quite well and their is a lot of content. hebrew is also hard. sankrit the language of the hindu vedas with rituals is harder. Brahma is the ultimate reality, Brahman is the god, Brahmin are the priests. Purusha means purification and refers to an enlightened man whose sacrifice to the divine created life. the hindus have a varna which also corresponds to their caste system and the body parts of their god Purusha. The untouchables don’t have a body part on Purusha b/c they are the gravediggers and the unclean work, they carry a bell to warn others of their presence. hinduism has this belief that if you follow your dharma, you will be reincarnated to to a higher caste and your atman (soul) will be released from the cycle of moshka (reincarnation). the varnas are the Brahmins which wear white or purple to represent spirituality and are the head of Purusha; Kshatriya who are the warriors and they are the shoulders and represented by the color red, Vaishya who are the farmers, merchants, professionals which are represented by yellow and the legs of Purusha, and the Shudras which are the laborers and workers and they have the feet and their color is black. i liked learning about how the world worked in ap world history and i think i understand why their are socialism, religious extremist and the like today in our economy and world. i like latin b/c a lot of scientific terms are in latin.

our brains can process 360-400 mhz per second while the first computer ENIAC could process 5,000 mHz per second.

anyway, that girl in my business/web’s name is alyssa and she is a great person. all the classmates check on each other and sometimes one or two stays behind to help the other catch up. i learned about the history of computers in java today and the first computer was made in the 1940s called ENIAC and it was the size of a room, with vacuum tubes and wiring and electricity of all the houses on a city block, cost 5.9 million to build. mostly women were computer programmers b/c the men were at war. the first computer programmer was a woman named Ada Lovelace. i figured out some functions in my calculator except i’m still working on limits. ti-89 calculators are quite cool.