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Too Criticizing of Myself

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  • #110156
    Janus
    Participant

    thanks, sometimes the inner bully really makes me mad and irritated, every time it sneaks up on me and tells me “i’m not good enough. i will never make it out in this world. you’re not smart enough.” i imagine it like it is an irritating bug that i smash with a shoe. no matter how hard it tries, it won’t control who i am anymore, it can only make me irritated at myself and then i will try to find a way to end it. sometimes when i’m making major progress in science and someone criticizes me in another field or in science, the inner bully seeks that as fuel and it starts nagging at me saying “see you’re not good enough. you can never be good enough. stop daydreaming and experimenting with science, you should do something more productive.” anyway, i looked up molecular biologist and genetic engineering and i like molecular biology and may go for a doctorate so i can study cancer and stem cells. genetic engineering may be a bit hard, but molecular biology will pave the way and andrew may be able to help me develop my technical skills. also andrew like me when it comes to science can go on researching for hours and it can be in astronomy, biology, physics, chemistry, mechanical etc and we just get more and more interested. also molecular biologists often help biotechnicians who are the ones who do the mechanical things like prostheses because they let them know about the cells that are there beforehand. we are both like the valence electrons in an atom, we will react and keep learning until we are stable and have found something that really interests us, then we’ll rest and explore. it is hard to break up chemical bonds much like it is hard to stop me when i have my focus on a goal and i won’t let the inner bully try to break my bonds by producing more H+ ions (negative thoughts) and creating more acid in my life, i’ll generate more OH- and be more basic or I could be neutral like water;) here are the two websites:

    http://study.com/articles/Molecular_Biologist_Job_Description_Duties_and_Requirements.html
    http://study.com/articles/Become_a_Genetic_Engineer_Education_and_Career_Roadmap.html

    #110164
    Janus
    Participant

    here is a poem i’ve written about how sometimes the worldly critics and my inner bully makes me value myself less

    Never Enough (mistakes you always see)

    Everything I do, it is never good enough to you
    You see my mistakes more than my accomplishments
    Every step I take is another mistake to you
    In your eyes, I never added up to my oldest sibling
    You judged me for my grades
    You judged me for my fears
    All this judging has made me the way I am
    Past betrayals and your hurtful words sink deep
    The scars from old wounds open again
    Each time you assail me
    Can’t you see I try so hard?
    I’m sensitive, but you don’t know.
    I used to be the outgoing, carefree person
    But after all the teasing and bullying and you’re rude remarks
    I’ve had difficulty grasping it again
    I get better with time
    But the wounds you’ve inflicted will stay with me
    Staring at my reflection, I see the negative
    I ask myself “How can I ever be good enough?”
    I believe I’m not good enough for my crush
    I believe every will judge me by what they see and not for who I am
    Every day I pray for you to take me as I am
    You always see that I’m never enough
    Can’t you see you’re reluctant acceptance is influencing me
    I won’t let barriers hold me down though
    Say what you want
    You’re not going to win this time
    Take what you want
    But just leave me alive
    My self-esteem needs to be restored
    When the time comes, I will be there for those who care for me
    They have helped me stay alive
    I’m no beauty physically covered in acne
    I have spiritual wisdom, yet you turn you’re head away

    #110171
    Janus
    Participant

    I think my main goal is to live as my soul, to live as if in heaven on earth, to soar beyond the physical limitations and to taste the oneness of the universe. to me death is not the end, but a new beginning. i feel as if i have been reborn into a better person each time i let myself surrender in life and then i get up to try again. Death cannot take the oneness called love and the unity i have begun to develop with the universe. to me, i will live my life to the fullest and enjoy every moment and be reborn much better.

    #110224
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel (and the future Dr. Shirley):

    You and Andrew are more covalent than I thought and the prospect of you becoming a molecular biologist will solidify the covalent nature of the bond because, as you wrote, “molecular biologists often help biotechnicians.”

    But why does Andrew feel the need to compete with you? I am glad he shares and helps as well, but I wonder about the competition- what motivates him to compete and what exactly competing with you means?

    You have a good grasp of the Inner Bully, lots of clarity and that is very good in the quest to shrink and shrink… and starve that inner bully. My inner bully is amazing in its relentless criticism of me: I prepared a salad for myself with a cucumber. Normally I peel it but forgot this time, last evening. And I didn’t like eating un-peeled. The inner bully was there and still is, ready to beat me up for making this mistake. I am relaxing again and again into Healing every time that bully is rearing its ugly head instead of engaging in it. It takes practice… and more practice, endless patience.

    I just read your poem, how fitting, my goodness! It does get easier, Shirley. I became aware of my inner bully only a few years ago and termed it Inner Bully recently. I am making progress. That inner bully is not FOR me. It really is against me and won’t listen to reason. It only knows one thing: to bully. And is quite convincing, I mean, it is the morning after and I still feel that eating that un-peeled cucumber was a major mistake of sorts. The inner bully is still bugging me about it right this moment. Just like my mother did- she would point to any Mistake (real or imagined) and would go on and on and on about it, wouldn’t let go, torture me for hours from all angles. So this is my bully, taking after her. It does get better with practice. To externalize that bully, to stop identifying with it, is key. Let’s keep our individual quests to do so going.

    anita

    #110271
    Janus
    Participant

    Sometimes it’s easier to deal with things in a more physical form than combatting ethereal thoughts. I read an article about a psychologist who helps people deal with body images. She especially deals with those who have anorexia. She tells the patients to visualize a person as “Mrs. Anna Rexia” and then she asks them, “Who is that person?” and they reply “Mrs. Anna Rexia.” Then she says “What’s your name?” and the patients respond with their name. Next, she tells them to bring “Mrs. Anna Rexia” back to focus again and imagine all the things you hate about yourself and all the negative thoughts to flow into that person. She then tells her patients to say “I am ‘their name.’ I let go of all of my negative thoughts, they are not part of me. They are part of someone else and they don’t control me.” Then the patients are told to let go of the negative person called “Mrs. Anna Rexia” by imagining a cord being cut by a strong scissors and then the negative being dissolving into the soil while the cord is being connected to the heavens and flooding the person with light and healing. I like the psychologist technique of disassociating with the negative part of you and I think it would work for “Mr. Inner Bully.” It’s a funny coincidence, but I was also peeling cucumbers yesterday as well and my inner bully was raging a war about how I wasn’t a good person because I forgot to wash cutting board after slicing some meats. however, i managed to wash the cucumbers thoroughly while working on ignoring the inner bully, but it still kept on finding little things to complain about me throughout the day. I think my inner bully also takes after my parent’s criticisms especially when it finds much to criticize about the smallest things. I think andrew gets his confidence from being competitive, he has an intense passion for science and i think he worries that i might get ahead of him in science since i also love science just as much. it would be great if andrew could be more laid-back like dave is and still have confidence. dave radiates confidence and assertive compassion just by being himself while andrew enjoys learning new things and experimenting. dave is like the noble gases in group eighteen who have eight valence electrons in their shell and is happy, while andrew and I are always a nonpolar covalent bond pulling the electrons of knowledge closer to us and traveling across the periodic table, sometimes andrew will be fluorine (the most electron negative) and sometimes i will be. we both share similar characteristics in a group going down, but as we race along the periods we start to diverge. Also I was reading about buffers and they are often acid-base pairs that help modify too high or too low pH scales in biological fluids such as blood. A buffer accepts hydrogen ions when they are in excess and donates them when they are depleted. Think of the buffer as the regulator of the inner bully who tries to mess up your system by creating a pH less than seven to be acidic or a pH greater than seven to be basic and it tries to unbalance you. Blood’s regular pH is 7.4 and it is pretty much basic. Say your thoughts are neutral and at 7 on the pH scale, the inner bully tries to unbalance you and you must regulate it so it doesn’t turn to acidic or basic (bleach is pretty basic) much like the buffer keeps the blood at 7.3-7.4. on the lighter side, here are some funny science jokes:

    Prankster: Somebody check the well, it’s filled with dihydrogen monoxide!
    People panic. Is there a chemist?
    Chemist: Here I am! It’s okay; it’s only H2O, two atoms of hydrogen (di meaning two) and one atom of oxygen.
    Chemist: Give everyone some H2O to calm them down: A caring, 2 Hugs and an Open mind.
    People: But isn’t H2O just pure water; how can we give someone H2O through hugs and an open mind?
    Chemist : Pure water has 545 million cells and we are all made up of cells that contain 70-95% water. Also when we laugh or smile to comfort others, we release endorphins that boost our mood.
    People: Let’s provide everyone with H2O!

    This is during the nomenclature (naming of acids) and it is a funny story. Sulfate (SO4^-2) would become sulphuric acid or H2So4. Ate becomes ic such as if you ate something disgusting. Sulfite (SO3^-2) becomes sulphurous acid such as the person (or sulphur in this case) is being rite-ous (righteous). Sulfide (most nonmetal anions end in ide) become hydrosulphuric acid.
    Sulphur is a nonmetal and nonmetals often have negative charges as they gain electrons. Sulfite has one less oxygen then sulfate because sulfate “ate one more oxygen than sulfite (who apparently didn’t fite/fight hard enough for a meal). Sulfite and Sulfate are part of the polyatomic ions (many atoms covalently bonded together with a charge). here is the funny story:

    Jimmy ate a clam and said “Ick!”
    Jimmy’s parents were rite-ous (righteous) people and wanted to make him feel better.
    So they took him on some coaster rides, but they made him hydro-ic (more sick).
    Poor Jimmy!

    #110300
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    Most interesting post. I think Andrew has an inner bully that tells him that if he is not number 1 then he is not good enough. Dave, on the other hand, maybe does not have an inner bully, maybe he has a well functioning inner critic (a necessary part of your brain, the one to set necessary limits for yourselves). How fortunate Dave is, if indeed this is the case! This is how he can be laid back. His parents must have been gentle with him!

    I agree with your statement: ” my inner bully also takes after my parent’s criticisms”- this is the source of the inner bully (the critical, abusive inner critic)- the parent/s in our lives. I like your dissociation description using Mrs. Anna Rexia. Connecting it to my thinking here, it would be giving the inner bully back to the critical/ abusive parent! This is where the Inner Bully belongs- with its originator!

    What do you think about this last thought: giving the inner bully back to where it came from?

    I like your noble gases/ other gases analogy as well as the PH and buffer analogy. Except does the latter mean that we can or should endure some bullying (by the inner bully or an outside bully)? I think I am aiming at a no-bully-policy!

    Thanks for the jokes, water, Sulphur, sulphuric acid, sulfite, sulfate…

    anita

    #110375
    Janus
    Participant

    I like that idea of giving the inner bully back to the originator. i have been working on generating positive energy and fire has become my element. every time a negative thing comes near me, my energy bubble flares up like fire and it dissolves the negative energy. i agree that although it would be great for a no-bully policy, i don’t think that would happen because through pain, we realize the true value of joy. the world must have a balance of both dark and light. i also have been working with the air element to keep me cool and also to help me feel lightweight and happy. i find that i have become quite good at visualization and when i have a goal in mind, i can work my way to making it a reality. i also enjoy studying psychology and i think i have begun to tap into the inner higher self that i have, the soul that gives me confidence. i have began to think maybe it would be good to enjoy learning science and let andrew have the competitive nature while i combine science and nature and be laidback like dave. dave has an inner confidence in his abilities and that helps him shine even without having to show his knowledge. andrew and i weren’t always competitive, in fact we had lots of fun talking about science and playing lacrosse. but after i got a 98 in pre-calc and he only received a 91 and my ap english grade on global warming was better than his, he started getting competitive. also when my ap english teacher put andrew (negative about minimum wage) and me on opposite teams when i had to debate on positive effects of minimum wage, we were quite competitive.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Janus.
    #110381
    Janus
    Participant

    i think the three songs that describe my life now are “Don’t You Worry Child” by Swedish House Mafia, “Home” by Daughtry and “When I’m Gone” by Three Doors Down. In the first song, the author talks about the times when he was young and how he was “a king on a gold throne” with his father and being happy (and secure) and as he began to grow up, he experienced his first heartbreak, his father’s death and his insecurity in himself. He still carries the memories of the lost loves and the time when he “ruled the world” and heard the songs of life’s beauty. Anyway, he still connects with his father in heaven and his father guides him saying “Don’t you worry, heaven’s got a plan for you.” meaning he has a purpose in life and he shouldn’t be afraid to experience life. Home starts out “Staring out into the night, trying to hide the pain. I’m going to the place where love and feeling good don’t cost a thing.” I believe that the author has experienced the bittersweetness of life and he is starting to come to terms with his destiny and he is going home to an eternal unconditional love. He’s going to the place where he belongs and where who he is will be enough going to the universe. The author says “I don’t regret this life i chose for me. But these faces and these places are getting old so I’m going home.” i think this means he has found himself and his life is what he wanted and he has has experienced the fullness of his soul and remains in eternal youthful happiness. Also in the song it says “The miles are getting longer it seems the closer I get to you. I’ve not always been the best man or friend for you, but your love remains true.” This reminds me of the goals people set in life and how they work on being the best person they can be (keeping the miles long as they keep traveling towards their goal), but they should realize their inner self that is part of the universe that has divine love which will accept them and give them the chances they need. And the last song “When I’m gone” talks about the other world that people don’t see and how people should not only love us for who we are on the surface but also when we are scared and when we feel gone in the darkness. In the song it states “There’s another world inside of me that you may never see. There’s secrets in this life that I can’t hide. Somewhere in this darkness there’s a light that I can’t seem to find, maybe it’s too far away or maybe I’m just blind.” We all have that world inside of us, that part of ourselves that we hide in darkness and wants to find the light, but sometimes society pushes ourselves down. We are taught to be tough, to be athletic, to make money and not to just be healthy and be ourselves. We are taught about being glamorous for the world to see, not realizing what we truly hold on the inside, our true happiness is what matters. In the song it talks about “Hold me when I’m scared. Love me when I’m gone. Everything I am and everything in me wants to be the one you wanted me to be.” I agree that we all should strive for everything that we can be, but sometimes what the world wants isn’t what we want and sometimes we need less pressure from society so we can focus on who we truly are. I think this is why I don’t want physical love unless that person can really see who I truly am as a person, a spiritual being and appreciate me when I’m gone and help me find that part of me. In the song it states “When your education X-ray cannot see under my skin… Roaming in this darkness I’m alive but I’m alone. Part of me is fighting this and a part of me is gone.” I feel like what we are taught often times doesn’t allow us to see others for the true being that they are on the inside. The author of this song seems to be working on finding himself and working on finding the light and fighting the conventions of society, but part of him seems to be gone and he wishes he knew how to find it, but at the same time he wants to be what society wants him to be. Also this brings me to a question is it better to have immortality and power or love with mortality? is it better to be who you truly are or be powerful with society? these questions make me wonder.

    #110382
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    Regarding balance between pain and joy, I say eliminate as much unnecessary pain as possible, you will have enough left to balance the joy. (Stress is on UNNECESSARY pain).

    I like the idea of you being relaxed, laid back, like Dave. Like I wrote to you before, I believe it is very good for you to associate with laid back people- that would be like “the air element to keep me cool and also to help me feel lightweight and happy.”

    I read the history of Andrew becoming competitive with you- well, I still wish he wasn’t, but as long as you can surround him with the cooling air you can muster via your visualization, then it will be okay.

    You were excellent at visualization all though this thread. Quite amazing, really!

    anita

    #110386
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shirley:

    Regarding your second post today- I googled the lyrics of one of the songs you listed, my comments in parantheses:

    “”When I’m Gone”

    There’s another world inside of me
    That you may never see (So let me show you this other world in me…)
    There’re secrets in this life
    That I can’t hide (So I will not try to hide them anymore. Let me tell you my secrets.)
    Somewhere in this darkness
    There’s a light that I can’t find
    Maybe it’s too far away…(The light switch is not outside of me, but in between my ears…)
    Or maybe I’m just blind…(most people are.. let me turn the light switch and see what I need to see…)

    Or maybe I’m just blind…

    [Chorus]
    So hold me when I’m here (I do need comfort)
    Right me when I’m wrong (no, no, with all respect, you are not my authority on what is right and wrong)
    Hold me when I’m scared (I need to be held when scared; we all do)
    And love me when I’m gone (love me when I am here, better yet)
    Everything I am
    And everything in me
    Wants to be the one
    You wanted me to be (no, everything I am, I was from the beginning, nothing to do with you)
    I’ll never let you down (yes, I will, unfortunately- none of us is perfect, not evey you)
    Even if I could
    I’d give up everything (no I won’t)
    If only for your good (our relationship has to be Win-Win; I don’t give up everything (lose) so you can win)
    So hold me when I’m here (please do)
    Right me when I’m wrong (no, you are not my authority on what is wrong)
    You can hold me when I’m scared (please do and I will hold you when you are scared)
    You won’t always be there
    So love me when I’m gone

    Love me when I’m gone…(love somebody when I am gone, keep loving)

    That was.. my education x ray of this song so far…

    You wrote about this song the following: “We are taught to be tough, to be athletic, to make money and not to just be healthy and be ourselves. We are taught about being glamorous for the world to see, not realizing what we truly hold on the inside, our true happiness is what matters.” The world markets happiness as material goods, looks, fame… and of course, these do not bring happiness to a troubled person. better fix the trouble in between the ears. Money, material good, looks… the “right weight”, the right job, the right income… none of these will please the inner bully that rains on our parade regardless of our circumstances.

    You wrote: “sometimes what the world wants isn’t what we want and sometimes we need less pressure from society so we can focus on who we truly are. I think this is why I don’t want physical love unless that person can really see who I truly am as a person, a spiritual being..” I support you, Earth Angel.

    anita

    #110429
    Janus
    Participant

    Thanks anita for saying that i’m great at visualization and for giving me the idea of using air to help keep me happy and at peace. Thank you for supporting me and listening, you are a great friend;) I am currently reading Think Big by Ben Carson and it is about working hard, believing in yourself and acquiring knowledge. Carson started out failing all his subjects, but at his mom’s insistent prodding, he was able to read two books a week and build his knowledge. He talks about the importance of books and how much you can learn from them. One of his quotes learned from his mother was “It doesn’t matter if they are smarter than you if you try your best. If you work hard, you can do it better than they can because you know the true value of what it means to work for rewards.” in the book Carson talks about his insecurities about not having enough knowledge and admiring those who were self-confident and wanting to be like them. He talks about how valuable all knowledge is and how we all have the potential of learning more things and striving for our best. Through knowledge found from books, nature and religion/spirituality we can help ourselves build the experiences we need in life. Also Carson’s mother had advice that i really like “They (the critics) can take away all your material things and criticize you all they want about your clothes, appearance etc., but the one thing they cannot take away from you is your will and your curiosity to attain knowledge. It doesn’t matter who you are if you have something to contribute to the world with your knowledge.” I like your interpretation of the song “When I’m
    Gone” especially for the lyrics ‘Right me when I’m wrong’ and i agree that sometimes people can be quick to right others when they are wrong, but not themselves and also like you said sometimes we have to decide for ourselves what’s right and what’s wrong and not let others tell us. I also like your interpretation to the lyrics “Everything in me wants to be the one you wanted me to me” when you said that ‘everything i was from the beginning has nothing to do with you’, i agree since people often try to change us so we fit into their mold, but we can’t always be perfect, it is better to be who we truly were at the beginning and ignore the pressure of those who try to change who we are. Also I believe love is eternal and lasts beyond death and the memories are still there, however we should spend our time enjoying the little things in life. i love to just wake up and hear the birds sing and run through the neighborhood feeling the wind and waving at the trees. there is more to life than materialism and outer perfection when we realize our spirit.

    #110434
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    Will be back online to read your latest post and reply in four hours or so. Take good care of you!
    anita

    #110442
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    I enjoyed reading that you wrote that I am a “great friend”- I soaked in the words. Thank you!

    I heard of the book, Think Big. As far as your comments on… my comments on the lyrics, you wrote: “we can’t always be perfect, it is better to be who we truly were at the beginning and ignore the pressure of those who try to change who we are.”

    Here is where I got a mind boggling realization some time ago: WHO is it that decides for me what is perfect? Before taking someone’s criticism as valid, ask yourself: WHO is that person criticizing me? Consider the source! If the source, the person criticizing you, is someone you don’t thing highly of, why take their criticism as valuable?

    Always consider the source.

    And the lyrics themselves- the music may be lovely, some of the lines make sense, but some do not. Read critically- lots that’s being said out there is not true. Be selective. Trust yourself- I trust you Shirley. Over the months I’ve been communicating with you I learned about you, and I trust you. You have good sense, good thinking, more valid, way more valid, I have no doubt, than the thinking of those who criticized or may criticize you in the future.

    anita

    #110519
    Janus
    Participant

    thanks anita for standing by me, i am grateful to have your trust and i also trust you with all my heart. I like your advice and thoughts especially about “who it is that decides for me what is perfect?” i think we should learn to trust our hearts more and dispel negative criticisms. my inner bully has been annoying me these days and its because there have been some people who criticize me because they think girls can’t be scientists. so my inner bully has been saying “why not focus on your health and stop acquiring knowledge? why not work on being pretty or athletic on something you can achieve?” well i like to work out and be healthy, my inner bully annoys me when it tells me that i don’t work out well enough or that i need to change some parts of myself to make others like me. i want to radiate confidence and knowledge without being cynical. I’m not very judgmental of other people, but i tend to be quite judgemental of myself at times and often times its because there are others who are smarter than me or more athletic than i am. however, i think my strong will will help me, i will find ways to stamp the inner bully down every time it rears its head. The inner bully doesn’t decide my life, it only hinders it. on a lighter note, andrew seems more laid back and isn’t as competitive; i think he is happy because he had a success with an electronic device that he was playing around with and also dave is helping him with parts of his essay. dave is great at keeping both of us laid back when we start competing academically. i am nervous about my essay grade for ap bio, but i think i did relatively well. i really enjoyed learning about how there are different chemical bonds that help maintain the molecules within the human body. i’m eager to get to the actual anatomy of the human body, but i love learning about the physical elements that make it up and the components of dna replication. i find that when i think about how much science amazes me, my inner bully diminishes a bit and i have a sense of confidence. i like hydrogen bonds in which a slightly negative oxygen pairs with a slightly positive hydrogen and keeps the molecule together, but oxygen which is more electron negative takes the electrons and becomes more negative. oxygen reminds me of the inner bully and how it takes more electrons (negative thoughts) and uses them to stay attached to the positive hydrogen leaving a polar molecule where the negative oxygen (inner bully) has the more power. i will use this and imagine me breaking the bonds and having a more nonpolar equal and more balanced relationship with myself.

    #110546
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    You are very welcome! Your trust in me means a whole lot and I will keep being worthy of it.

    Good Andrew is laid back at the moment and that Dave has this affect on Andrew and on you. The inner bully (IB)… I wish there was a way to extricate and exorcise it once and for all. Self Talk is one tool to use when the IB has his say. For example when it told you that you can’t be a scientist and should focus on your health instead, you can tell yourself: I can be a scientist and attend to my health, I can do both!

    When the IB tells you that, let’s say, Andrew is more knowledgeable than you in electronics, you can tell yourself: there is always more knowledge: the more we know, the more there is to know. I know more than some and others know more than me, and everyone has yet to know more.

    When the IB says something, that is like the Oxygen atom with its negativity. When you reframe the issue brought by the IB, telling yourself the truth about the issue, that is like you introducing a big Hydrogen atom to turn your thinking positively realistic.

    And that is the point about the inner bully- it isn’t telling the truth. So you confront it not just with something positive but with the TRUTH.

    anita

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