so the track workout i did yesterday was fun and it was 2 laps around track (800 m, 15 minutes); throwing 1 kg discus (25 minutes); Squats with 10 lb weights (4X8, 8,6,6); chest flies (3X8 with 8lbs and you have the dumbbells while seated and when you bend over, you raise the dumbbells); Incline Press (similar to a bench press, but your body is on an incline, 3X10 with 10 lb bar); 15 minus 2’s (start at fifteen and go down 2 with squiggly bars and 10 lbs); Good mornings (kettlebells, raise a leg and bend over 3X12). For core, i did 25 russian twists with 8lb medicine ball (these are hard); 25 crunches; 25 leg lifts.

i felt kind of sad for not spending time with my special friend when he asked me to go for a run with him after school today because i had to stay after for physics honors and work on potential energy. anyway, he wished me luck and said that he was glad that i was working out in track, but he also seemed a little sad that i was spending time on math and science more. i feel like i need a balance between my math and science and track friends and my special friend because i feel bad when he feels inadequate.
he seems a little possessive of me these days and he often says “no matter what happens, i won’t let you go because i care about you.” i’m glad that we continue to be there for each other and i still care about him. even though, i love all of my friends, i feel like he and i share a spiritual connection and there are times when i can be shy around him because i realize he’s the reason i know what spiritual love is. if it weren’t for him helping me through seventh grade and taking a chance, i might not have been the person i am now. that is why we share a strong physical and spiritual bond. i feel like nothing is impossible and that i am smart when i’m with him and he gives me the freedom to enjoy sports and be out in nature without the pressure of school. in other words, i feel more alive within myself and more at peace with life. these days, i get the feeling that he wants to have more than a spiritual relationship with me like he wants to be a boyfriend. he’s always telling me that when he’s with other girls, he doesn’t feel as if they accept him as much as i do and that he hasn’t met another girl like me. sometimes when i’m busy with my other guy friends and i’m trying to learn more to become better in school, i often hear him say to his friends “doesn’t she know she’s already perfect the way she is? doesn’t she know i can be the one who can be the support she needs?”

i always enjoy being an independent person and playing sports with guys, but i’ve never really contemplated having a relationship with anyone. this goes into the the fact that i have conflicting emotions about my special friend. i have had two relationships which i was betrayed and used and i’m not sure i want to open myself to another guy. i promised myself that i wouldn’t fall in love again after being betrayed in sixth grade and toward the beginning of seventh grade before i met him, but i find that i enjoy being with my special friend and do love him even though i can be quite shy at times.

the greatest thing about my special friend is that he is the most laid back of all my friends and he always finds a way to make me laugh and get my mind of school so i can truly enjoy life without having the burden of school always on me. when my parents criticize me for having my head in the clouds, for playing sports and hanging out with guys (i’m generally a tomboy), e always listens and understands. when my parents get stressed at the restaurant, sometimes just thinking of the friends i have and also of my special friend makes me smile and enjoy the beauty of life. to me i think life can be effortless and full of miracles and light. even if my special friend doesn’t end up being my soul mate, we will still carry the spiritual love and help others as well.

i think everyone has a purpose in life. i feel like the people who were once bullied in life, they develop strength and compassion and an empathy for others. i feel like that is my purpose in life to take the compassion i’ve developed and use it to help others find their light. there is a buddhist quote “out of the mud, spotless the lotus grows” the lotus still retains it’s beauty and pristine nature despite the mud and obstacles that it grows out of. it is still able to be rooted with certainty where it stands and use the mud and struggles to grow and become beautiful and spiritual. I am reading a book by Betty Eadie called “Embraced By the Light.” As a young child, Betty’s parents were too busy to really pay attention to her and she grew up in a boarding school with nuns that instilled in her a fear of the darkness, loneliness and of a punishing, vengeful God. The nuns would shut her in a room when it was time for bed and she was away from her parents and alone, they would also discipline her when she disobeyed. She grew up and upon reaching 15, she felt like she was missing a piece of family and also she vowed when she met her own soul mate she would care for him and have the family, she never had. she had to leave school at fifteen to care for her older sister and ended up marrying her neighbor whom she stayed with for six years when they found out they weren’t compatible she was devastated. she felt lost and insecure and felt her prayers in God weren’t being answered, she wanted someone to love her for who she was. She had a fear of death because she felt inadequate and she felt that she was a sinful child and God would punish her. Over the years, she spent time trying to understand the meaning of her religion, feeling that something was missing. She went to another Native American Training School (she was native american) and while there she learned God as a loving God. yet, she found it difficult to accept that and she was still afraid of the dark and loneliness. she met her husband, joe who she is still married to today a few years later and no matter what happens they have the vow to remain loyal as a family. in her book, she talks about her near-death experience and how it taught her that she was loved and made her feel much better about herself. i feel like her book talks about the struggles and inadequacies we all face in life and the fears we have and how we should learn to love and live life to the fullest. i feel like i can connect with a lot of the stories i read about people that is why i choose those stories to read.

i agree that i have a a lot going on now and a relationship could complicate things. i found out that i received a 1490 on my Sats which is 10 away from my goal of 1500, but that’s okay because i’m going to work harder on doing better next time. i think it would be great if i went on a run with all of my friends and invited my special friend along, it might help him make more friends and make him feel more included. i went along the road my special friend lives on to get something from my house today and he waved at me from the garage. 5:30, i think he felt that i was a bit annoyed and that i was arguing with my parents so he came by and he smiled at me. he told me that no matter what happens it will be okay and that he has faith in me. he’s a great guy and i’m glad that i have him in my life. with the busy schedule i have in my life right now, i agree that it wouldn’t be a good addition to have him as a boyfriend, no matter how much he seems to want our relationship to go that direction. i think the reason why i feel so stressed out and annoyed at times is the fact that sometimes my parents can be so criticizing of me at times and they always see the negative things about me. since my special friend and i both like science, i think it would be good if we help each other with science. the greatest thing about my special friend is that he lives every moment of his life and he always enjoys acting and laughing, he is adventurous and tries to live life like it’s an effortless journey. i love him for the fact that when we run together, i feel like i am connected to the divine and truly experiencing what it feels like to be alive.

i like track and field a lot because i feel much more healthy and more accepting of my body than i’ve felt in my life. i think my life’s purpose is to find a spiritual balance within me and to truly live my life and help others. my special friend told me once that i have a lot of ambition and perseverance and that i had an intense passion for math and science that would get me far. he says there’s always a second chance to do better and he isn’t like my parents who whenever i don’t meet their expectations automatically assume i won’t do well. whenever i feel sad, he is always here to lend a hand and listen. i find that like Betty Eadie when i start my own family, i will teach my children to be confident and to teach them how to be self-confident and not be so criticizing of them. at 5:30, when i told my special friend that my parents were being so criticizing he told me not to worry about it and that he loved me and would stand by me.

Google just keeps on getting better and better;) it has connected my tinybuddha.com account to my gmail and i can receive and forward messages there. also you can read free online books with your google account.from creating schedules to reading books to having a route mapped for you, google is great. i still need a speaker for voice typing, but i’m not worried about that now, but it’s so cool. even though google doesn’t support windows xp, visa or 98 anymore, it still continues to upgrade itself;) Thanks for you advice and encouragement anita;) i am thinking of doing a spiritual journey log where i start meditating and documenting my day. i think this will help me become more consciously aware of what is hindering my spiritual purpose and what i am doing to get close to it. by documenting my thoughts and experiences throughout the day, i can reflect on them at the end of each day and see how much i’ve progressed. also, it helps me stay on track and not veer off and forget to meditate a day or so. i’m making this fun and not a chore though. i got the idea from reading a passage by ben franklin in my ap english textbook. in the passage, ben franklin states the thirteen virtues he believes will bring peace to a person and he creates a table with the days of every month and also the virtues and he tries to incorporate them in his life. i think he spends three weeks on each virtue until he feels like he has mastered it and moves on to the next. ben franklin believed that if he could achieve these thirteen virtues, he would be a more peaceful and happier person. however, there were many obstacles, but franklin persevered and made it to seven virtues before he realized when he had perfected the seventh one, he had forgotten to utilize the others before it. he kept trying and he realized that mankind cannot strive for perfection because there will always be flaws. some people believe franklin wasted his time trying to seek for perfection that he couldn’t have, but franklin disagrees, he says that it isn’t right for mankind to be perfect because if you have a perfect life, it would be meaningless and there would be no adventure for you since you have nothing to improve on. franklin said the imperfections that we have make us who we truly are and that they shape us and the experiences and decisions we make in life and that we should use our imperfections to grow. franklin says that his experiment (around 12 weeks) helped him see who he really was as a person and helped him feel more spiritually alive by making him realize that you can’t be perfect at everything, but you can try to live your life and try new things and try to attempt to be the best possible person you can be even with your flaws. You flaws are what makes you you and what makes the life you experience a journey that is to be lived, so accept your flaws and don’t let them hold you back from being the best you possibly can be.

http://www.sfheart.com/FranklinsVirtues.html

i read this article in december, but after spending 36.25 minutes meditating with my higher self this morning, this article surfaced in my mind and i believe it happened for a reason. on sat. when i felt a bit drained from the criticism of my parents, i remembered going to bed and asking the angels and buddha to show me what my true life purpose was. i had a dream in which i was out in the woods, out in nature and i met the buddha while crossing a bridge. i asked the buddha what my life’s purpose was and the buddha gave me a blue heart necklace with beautiful woodlands on it and told me to follow that path. i was quite confused as i continued on my way, but as i was walking along the path pondering it and enjoying the scenery, there was a time when i was wearing the necklace and the blue ribbon became tight and restrictive and i felt i couldn’t breathe and i cried out to the buddha and the angels “i feel very restricted and oppressed, i feel like i can’t make it.” (i think this symbolized the grip that negative criticism has on me and how i had to break free. i walked a while with the ribbon still holding me back and i felt myself struggle against the pressure, it was then i heard a voice say “don’t fight the struggles of life, accept them and embrace them and let them go, they don’t control who you are, only you control who you are.” the ribbon loosened a little until i came upon another bridge and upon crossing it, i met my special friend and my other two close friends andrew and dave. we raced through the woods and i felt carefree and happy and when we came upon a sparkling river, i was sitting with my friends and we were laughing and i felt that most of the pressure from the ribbon was fading. then i heard a voice say that if i could let go of all my insecurities and stop letting negative criticism influence me, i would be free of the ribbon’s restraint. i wasn’t sure how to do that, but i felt safe with my friends so i took the risk and opened myself to total love and trust and i watched the heart necklace soar into the heavens and my friends and i laughed, exhilarated. as we were walking together, thoughts came to me. i saw a beautiful blue sky and clouds and i realized and felt that when things were tough, i could always look at the heavens (buddha and angels for comfort, hence the blue on the necklace), the green woodlands was the being one with nature and traveling my path and the heart symbolized the fact that i would learn to love myself, appreciate life and listen to my heart. i felt elated on understanding the buddha’s message. in the dream, i felt myself raise my arms up to the heavens and felt a brilliant ray of light raining down on me and i just let it fill and heal me. also we came to a fork in the road and i realized i had to take a separate path from my friends and i felt sad “i’ll never make it alone” i thought. but suddenly, i saw a beautiful white wings lift me up and tell me to be strong, that i could make it through life, that i was a divine being and loved. i was told that i was a special person, just by myself and that i didn’t need others to make me happy if i didn’t learn to be happy within myself. i was afraid and insecure and unsure how to learn to love myself, but the angel said “don’t be afraid, i’ll be with you every step of the way. you’ll be okay.” i was still nervous and i felt my body start to glow and heat up and i felt fearful because when i looked down i found myself burning and i was afraid of losing myself. i screamed for my friends and i heard a voice say “it’s okay. you are being reborn. you need to lose your old self to discover who you really truly are. just accept it and don’t worry.” i felt myself rise out of the ashes as a phoenix and was amazed and awed. as the years went on, my phoenix body grew feebler and i felt once again in despair, afraid, but as i felt myself die,i thought i was going into eternal darkness, but i felt myself rise and my body become little pinpricks of light that exploded and i became a star in the night sky shining for others. i realized i think i understand that my purpose is to provide spiritual healing to others and also pursue my interests in math and science. i also think after this dream, i truly believe there is life after death and no matter what path i and my friends take, i will be okay. i wish all my friends including you anita the best of luck in all of life. remember you are a star and that nothing is impossible so go for your dreams and live life without regrets.

also, in physics honors which has become easier even though the teacher still doesn’t go over the answers to the worksheets until the day of the test or quiz. andrew is great because he has a lot of mechanical knowledge and i find that i’m learning lots from him, also he likes trigonometry in pre-calc more than asymptotes like me. I am reading Into the Wild and I think I like Chris Mccandless, however he is a bit stubborn and self-absorbed at times, but i admire his charisma, drive to be one with nature and also his interest in seeking out the adventure in life and letting nothing hold him back. andrew has a sarcastic, but witty sense of humor and we were both discussing the book and i think i might try what Mccandless did, but go with more supplies, andrew being the witty person he can be at times doesn’t think it is worth it to go to Alaska and do what Mccandless did, he shares the opposite view and thinks Mccandless was terrible at survival skills and wasted his life isolating himself from society. Dave and I were helping each other draft our essays on the issue of slavery and how we don’t have much freedom in society and we both agree that we like Mccandless; we both think he is very adventurous and brave for going out on his own and breaking free from the chains of society’s regulations. dave is a christian, while i’m a buddhist so we both have an appreciation for nature and when there are religious references in the book, dave and i sometimes discuss whether Mccandless took the journey to find himself and we both ponder the fact that maybe it would be worth sacrificing your life to really enjoy the beauty of what’s out there or maybe not as in andrew’s case since he thinks Mccandless should have been more prepared and that you can experience spiritual fulfillment without completely isolating yourself. In Into the Wild it states “The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. You don’t need anyone else to bring this new kind of light into your life. It is simply waiting out there for you to grasp it, and all you have to do is reach for it. The only person you are fighting is yourself and your stubbornness to engage in new circumstances” (Kraeuker 57-59). I agree with this quote because life is an adventure and so many people are just drifting by in life, unhappy with their circumstances, but afraid to take a step, afraid to step out of their security and experience the beauty of life that when their moment comes, they realize they didn’t experience life as they should have. What Mccandless is saying is that you should look for peace within and around you, in what you have now and the simplicity of nature, to be simple in life and realize that joy is all around us not just in human relationships. Life is a journey to be lived and you shouldn’t be afraid to take risks, to try something you haven’t before and break free from the conventions of society, only then can you truly discover life and yourself, and nothing is impossible and also that the only person that can make you happy is yourself. I think i will explore nature and live life and experience it as best as i can, but i won’t go radical like Mccandless, but he is still an inspiring person.

cool quote, anita;) wednesday was the the day when i got a really bad allergy attack to pollen. i have seasonal allergies that go with the change of the seasons and they can be quite unexpected at times. i had to do a ap world history quiz (got a 70 on it), draft an ap english essay and also do a physics honors lab and do my pre-calc homework all with allergies of sneezing, sore throat, headache and runny nose. it was not a good day, but dave was great, he kept asking me if i was okay because he also has allergies at times tuesday was pretty good, i was having fun planning a princess and superhero tea party for april 22nd (possibly) wuth my community service group to fundraise for relay for life.