Today is my ex’s birthday. I don’t consider her an ex, but…

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    i have no idea how else to address her.

    Hey guys…

    It’s complicated. So basically… I got myself involved with a married (31) woman. And I’m (27) a woman too. We met at work and she is one of the few people that I report directly to. At the very beginning it was not my intention to fall for her. She was nothing more than a colleague, a superior, or someone that I look up to as some of us used to call her “mom”. However as time went by, we got closer and closer and before I realized I was head over heels.

    She was not married at first but was in a relationship. Months later she was engaged, then married around the beginning of this year. I was there all along, proposal, engagement, marriage, and every little thing in between. It was like I was getting married with her, because her SO hardly put in any effort. Those close to her, including me, are aware that she has been unhappy in her relationship right from the beginning. She would confide in me, and my heart would break each time knowing she deserved better. She still does, despite everything. She also has no real support system, so I always tried my very best to be there for her, no matter how much I needed to sacrifice.

    As the attachment grew, my emotions began to eat me up. It became too much to bear. I tried so many times to pull away but failed each time. A part of me knew this was a recipe for disaster, but another part of me just couldn’t let go. Many attempts to communicate also failed because she only wanted to hear what she wanted to, and even if she did listen to what I was saying, I was always too sensitive or that my thinking was wrong.

    When I was with her, the highs were extremely high but the lows were also very low. I became obsessed with what she did whenever she was with her husband, did she kiss him like she did with me, did she cuddle with him like how we did whenever we had the chance. I was also consumed with the thoughts of when was the next sleepover, when was the next hangout, so that we could be intimate again. However, we didn’t have sex and the reason I mention this is because I know if we were to go on, we would definitely have.

    Remember I said earlier she has been unhappy in her relationship? She has told me before how she wish I were a man instead of a woman, and that if her marriage doesn’t pan out in the future, she will date women instead of men, and that she will spend her life with me. Even though deep down I knew this was extremely unlikely to happen, after all she has already spent so much effort, money, and time in this relationship, they even own a dog and a house together, but no words are enough to explain how happy I felt when I heard those words. It felt like a dream-come-true.

    Please believe me when I say despite the fact that I was in love with her, I had no intention to confess to her about how I truly felt for her, and that I loved her more than a friend. She did bring it up once or twice, asking me to clarify the way I truly felt for her but I always dodged it, mostly because I felt like there was no point. Even though it was painfully obvious. All I wanted was to continue loving her, even if it meant loving her as a “daughter”, or even without any “status”. Then on her actual wedding day (I was there and I was also one of the bridesmaids), she sent me a text asking me to drink more water due to the hot weather but I didn’t respond, so she sent me another text asking if I was sulking, which I responded no, because I wasn’t, as I promised her I would go through that day with nothing but smiles on my face. Which I did. I then answered her question by telling her honestly that I was hurting but would never ruin her day by showing any of my negative emotions. To my surprise, she said something that we, throughout the whole year, were trying to “avoid”. She said, “I always knew you love me more than a friend.”

    There was this one time where I asked her honestly about how far she could see our relationship go and would things ever change – for example, what if she got pregnant someday (because she loves kids), but she said, “it’s my heart that matters, not the circumstances”. And she said after all, she could have changed after getting married but she didn’t. So I stayed.

    A month ago was my birthday, and as usual we were flirting and generally being very sweet to each other. She suddenly said “no, you don’t do this to a mom”, I was of course shocked and responded by asking if she still saw me as someone less than a lover. I was incredibly confused because I told her if she didn’t feel the same way, I would definitely respect her wishes. I literally begged her for an answer. But there was none, all she said was that I should stop being so selfish to force an answer out of her as she wasn’t ready and just maintain our current relationship would do.

    It wasn’t until recently that I took this quarantine as an opportunity to distant myself from her. Whenever I went radio silent, she would send me a text saying “you changed”, “you are not as sincere as you said you are”, “stop saying you love me if your actions don’t reflect that way”, “it seems like you are fine with not texting me, guess I will do the same”, “you have no idea how to maintain a relationship and communicate with your partner”, etc.

    Then an incident happened where she told me her dog was sick and had to undergo an operation. Fast-forward to a day before the surgery, she sent me a text in the afternoon saying she was very disappointed in me because I didn’t care. I felt very guilty so I gave her a call that night and said good luck, and if she needed me just let me know, which she said “no need”. That was the last conversation and it has been almost two weeks.

    When she said she was disappointed in me, I felt unfair, like I always did, because prior to that incident, I was always there by her side. Always. I would drop everything that I was doing just to attend to her needs. I would plan my life around all her schedules. My life truly revolved around her. Sending her to and from work, driving her to get her groceries, accompanying her whenever her SO was away, taking care of her dog when she was on a family vacation, doing her work… you name it, I have probably done it. I gave her everything.

    The truth is, I take full responsibility for what has happened. After all I allowed this to happen and allowed this to continue. I had one year to put a stop to this… but I didn’t. I also know this is now a great time for me to let go and work on my issues, but knowing how I was never enough still hurts, although I understand that letting go is for the best, and I don’t have a choice, do I?

    Anyway, today is her birthday. I didn’t wish her a happy birthday personally but since we work together and have a group chat that we share, I wished her a happy birthday there, like I would any of my colleagues.

    NC is going to be slightly difficult for me, as I previously mentioned, we work together. I love my job and won’t leave anytime soon. What do you guys think?

    Sorry for the long vent and thank you for reading.

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