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espressopass

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  • #352090
    espressopass
    Participant

    You have been extremely helpful! Thank you so much.

    Before I go… I do have some questions. To be honest, it’s not the first time something like this has happened to me. I keep attracting unavailable people. Recently I have been reading a lot on it and realized that my history keeps repeating itself is because on some level, I’m not available myself. I think this has a lot to do with my childhood. I have decided to go see a therapist and will continue to work on my self love and self esteem.

    Right now, looking back, I can’t believe how much time, effort and love I have wasted on the wrong things. I got my priorities all wrong. How do I come to terms with that?

    #352084
    espressopass
    Participant

    Wow. The soup example is on point!

    The part where you mentioned her mother got her used to rude behavior – like a history repeating itself… what an eye-opener because I never thought of it that way.

    Thanks for the examples, I will definitely take note!

    #352050
    espressopass
    Participant

    Yes, you summarized it perfectly.

    Great input too. However, at work, she is actually the least favorited superior among all (we have three). Many shared the same opinion of her: questionable communication and leadership skills.

    You are right about the fact that I’m just filling the gaps in her life, nothing more… It’s a bitter pill to swallow.

    According to her it was selfish of me to even expect reciprocation so I just stopped trying.

    I often visited her family and it doesn’t seem to me that the relationship she has with her parents is troubled – quite a close-knit family. She was a rebellious teen though, as she shared with me, and because of that her mom used to hit her a lot. She also said, in the past, her elder sister and brother were the favorite children.

    Speaking of which, a few days prior to her wedding, I was at her home hanging out with her family. Her mom then pulled me aside and asked, “so what do you think of her husband?” I was taken aback but knew where the conversation was going because she has told me before that her husband is not well liked by her family. I didn’t comment much and just listened to what her mom said. She expressed her worries, saying how disrespectful he is towards the elders, rude to her daughter, bad manners, etc., but what concerns her the most is how she keeps spending her money.

    Her husband’s mom doesn’t like her as well… what a tragic.

    But anita, how do I look at this whole situation objectively? For example, if I feel like she has been taking advantage of my feelings and manipulating me, how do I know for sure that this is the case and not just because I’m hurt?

    I’m moving forward. I understand it takes tremendous courage and willpower to keep moving forward. But how do I keep this going, keep treating her like I would any of my coworkers, nothing less and nothing more? What if she plays any mind games again? Because she knows exactly what buttons to push.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by espressopass.
    • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by espressopass.
    #351864
    espressopass
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    Thanks for responding to my post.

    I have tried so many times in the past to get out, but just when I thought that I was out, she pulled me back in. However, this time is truly different though, as I have finally decided to put myself first.

    Regarding your question, it’s a good one because we can’t seem to wrap our heads around this too. But she has shared with me before:

    1) She has invested too much money, time, and effort into this relationship

    2) It was too late to leave, as she has already went “public” with her relationship

    3) If she were to call off her wedding, it would be difficult for her immediate family to explain themselves to the rest of their family members

    4) At her age, it’s too late to start over

    5) Submission to fate: She believes she has no choice and that she is destined to be “unlucky” in love

    I think above all… she loves him. Prior to the wedding, she struggled so much that she even tried to harm herself by jumping off from the third floor of where she lives when she was in a argument with her then-fiancĂ© and now-husband. It didn’t help that he actually asked her to jump but when she was leaping over, he grabbed her arm and pulled her back in. When she showed me the scars on the arm… I could physically feel my heart breaking.

    She was in such a confused state that a few months before her wedding, she traveled to another country and looked for a man who was romantically interested in her. I personally know that man as well as he is one of our mutual friends. At first she told me she was going to another country, by herself, and would be traveling solo, but I found out later that she was lying to me the whole time because there was no said flight to that “another country” on that day. I confronted her and she came clean, but insisted she wasn’t there to cheat and that they didn’t have sex. The thing is… I didn’t even ask if they had sex. I told her I was incredibly hurt by her actions, not so much about meeting another guy, but the fact that she lied to me the entire time. I was genuinely worried for her because according to her she was traveling solo, and I even wanted to give her some cash for any emergency situations as I was concerned about her finances.

    Looking back now… gosh.

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