To Marry or to Leave That is the Question

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This topic has 7 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 8 months ago by Mark.

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September 3, 2018 at 8:04 am #224193

Anonymous
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Dear DefinitelynotJessicaAlba:

It is very refreshing to me to read a post by a person able, as you are, to see the very big picture and to present it from all angles, in an objective, fair and reasonable way. Your post reads very credible, therefore, trustworthy to represent the truth of your situation.

You wrote: “it feels like he might only love an uncomlicated image of me rather than me myself… I have to be a person”. This is the key sentence to me. I don’t think you can be content being that “satellite” you referred to. You really are a whole person, that is, you are aware, you see the big picture, therefore you cannot be content living in a small corner of the picture that you see so well.

Another important sentence to my understanding: “he’s stubborn and does not take criticism well”- if he doesn’t take criticism that is given to him in a gentle way, that is a problem.

Another problem: his relationships with his family, with his mother, cousins and so forth read as well established. It is not likely that he will change those. Part of his relationship with his family is that you, being a part of that family, I suppose, take on the satellite position, the one you have been experiencing for a long time.

You wrote: “it feels like he might only love an uncomplicated image of me rather than me myself. If that’s the case I love him but I don’t want him”. Reads to me that he does love an uncomplicated image of you.

A third option: you processing your visa in a different way, other than marrying him?

anita

September 5, 2018 at 6:03 am #224387
Inky
Participant
Hi DefinitelynotJessicaAlba,

In a perfect world (which is up to you!) you tell your boyfriend man-child: “This isn’t working”. You bravely leave (if you are living together) and find a nice safe apartment with multiple nice safe roommates if need be. If you live separately you also say “This isn’t working. I am seeing other people” (and then see other people. Hint: fellow Doctors! YOUR PEERS).

You are being treated as a the stereotypical foreigner who is with someone only for the visa. You know this isn’t true. THEY probably know this isn’t true. HOWEVER! The distinct Vibe here is that you need HIM far more than he needs you.

You are not just Some Girl. You are a Doctor. If you marry him HE becomes MISTER doctor!

Show them all how smart you are. Leave him until morale improves. See how fast they smarten up.

Best,

Inky
- This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Inky.
September 5, 2018 at 6:13 am #224391
Inky
Participant
P.S. My daughter is in a PhD program herself. If she moved to, say, Europe and some guy and his friggin’ Euro-trash family treated her that way, I’d be all, “And there are no nice doctors (YOUR PEERS!) in Belgium/Italy/Sweden?”

P.P. S. Are you sure your boyfriend man-child isn’t jealous of you and is subconsciously keeping you down so you don’t wise up and dump his sorry pedestrian azz for YOUR PEERS?

P.P.P.S. I know YOUR PEERS can also have the potential to be abusive like all humans, but you should really be with someone who GETS IT!
- This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Inky.
September 5, 2018 at 7:08 am #224399

DefinitelynotJessicaAlba
Participant

Hi everyone.

Firstly, thank you for your considered responses. So far, whatever my ultimate decision is, I have decided to be firm. Weirdly, one of my boyfriend’s chief criticisms of me is that I avoid conflict and am a “pushover.” I don’t really think the latter is true, but I do try not to get into arguments. But in this case I’m going to have to get over that fear and insist on a few things from him. I actually do believe we’ll work it out.

Secondly, I need to reiterate I do love my boyfriend and at least like most of his family. Those cousins are right now not on my happy list and that’s another thing I need to talk to him about, but for the most part they are good people. My boyfriend is not as highly educated as me but he does hold one graduate degree. There is a slight possibility that he’s jealous of my educational success, but he did turn down a place in a PhD program before he met me. He has faults and blind spots like anyone else, but I would never characterize him as stupid. PhDs in and of themselves are a bit ridiculous. They’re about the discovery of information rather than the utilization and that does not really work for his personality. I’m all about research; he’s all about application. The point is, even if I ultimately decide to leave him, and I intend to exhaust every other angle before I do, it won’t be because I don’t love him.

His family has also been touched by tragedy. He lost his sister just before I met him. I mention this because mothers love their children unconditionally or at least should. So his mom is a lovely vivacious generous person, but he’s her last surviving child. It’s not a defect in her character that made her say the thing I’m upset about – it’s because she loves her son and although I think she loves me as well and she has used exactly those words, I am not *her* child. He’s slowly getting spoiled by all this not because anyone’s rude, or uneducated, or mean, or jealous, but because they all want what they think will make him happiest. Unfortunately, that makes my negotiation of my place in all this rather difficult. If I’m going to marry this guy he needs to put me first and consider me his closest relative. He can disagree with me on things and we do from time to time, but I need a way to exist in his family where they look at me as his equal in all things. Given what they’ve been through I am actually asking a lot. I need it, and I won’t settle for less, but their ability or not to meet that requirement is not a fault of their character. That said …. still really angry with those cousins of his.

I’m in a tough situation here and it is emotionally draining and difficult to express without bias, so I need to reiterate that this is not an abusive relationship. My boyfriend before he met me was hoping to play the field and I told him within a week of our first date that while he was dating me he couldn’t date anyone else. He has never violated my trust. Guys before him asked me to quit school for them, but he never has. At no point has he coerced me into sex or anything else. He’s never threatened me or – aside from the bs with the cousins – belittled or embarrassed me. I know what an abusive relationship looks like and this is not one. We are having difficulties and I need to either negotiate for what I’m truly worth or walk. But we are in love and we do have a good history. If I leave it will be for my own development and my own self, not because I didn’t love him or felt that he was intentionally hurting me.

September 5, 2018 at 7:58 am #224405

Anonymous
Guest

Dear DefinitelynotJessicaAlba:

I understand and did not suggest to you in my first of these two replies any of the following things you mentioned in your recent post: that you don’t love him, that he is stupid or uneducated, that he is jealous of you, that he is a bad person, that his family are bad people, that you are in an abusive relationship, that your boyfriend coerced you into sex or threatened you in any way, or belittled or embarrassed you. None of these things.

What I did suggest to you is that his relationships with his family members are well established, that within these relationships seems like you are in that satellite position you mentioned; that him being stubborn and not taking criticism well is not promissing and that I agree with you that it does seem that he loves an uncomplicated image of you

You are very clear: “If I’m going to marry this guy he needs to put me first and consider me his closest relative… I need a way to exist in his family where they look at me as his equal in all things”.

The clarity you have will be helpful in making this happen and I hope it will happen.

anita

September 5, 2018 at 10:59 am #224419

Michelle
Participant

There’s often more to a relationship than love. Respect and trust form a triangle with it that needs to be met for a successful union. After reading your posts, I don’t feel like all three of these are equal in your situation.

September 5, 2018 at 7:57 pm #224441

Mark
Participant

DefinitelynotJessicaAlba,

This is what I gleaned from your first posting:
…he’s not nearly as present and involved as he used to be.
…he’ll cancel those without telling me and then say it was because I didn’t want to go.
…asked him to wake me up so I can cook for him and he won’t do it.
…always his family never mine and it’s always where he wants to go and what he wants to do.
…It was like pulling teeth to get him to let me see my grandmother and cousins and he made it completely clear he didn’t want to be there.
…accused me of being recalcitrant.
…walked away and left me there alone.
…boyfriend’s complete failure to stand up for me
…saying how silly it was to have a ceremony.
…basically makes fun of me every time I show him what I’m doing in the interim or how I plan to salvage this.
…refusing to sit down with me for the ten minutes I needed from him
…I feel buried alive.
….cannot give up any more of myself and he and his mother seem insistent that I do.
…I have died enough already.
…does not take criticism well.
…I have to be a person though.

My take what are “little” things make up a relationship. They add up. They pray on your self esteem, your joy, your happiness, your energy.

Your remarks are telling “I have died enough already.” How you characterized your boyfriend is someone who really does not love you as you need to be loved.

I do not see consideration or respect from him to you.

If I’m going to marry this guy he needs to put me first

From all what you said about his and his family, that ain’t gonna happen. Good luck with that. There is no motivation for him to change.

I am a firm believer in “what you see is what you get.” You don’t marry someone with the hopes that they will change. This will only get worse rather then better.

Mark
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