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The Phantom of Love

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  • #112374
    Call Me Ishmael
    Participant

    This is a post about illusions and misplaced affections, a post about the loss of nothing.

    This is a post to and about no one.

    The birthday of a person whom I cared about very much, someone I loved more comprehensively than I ever thought possible, is coming up very shortly.

    After months of getting to know each other (or so I thought), gradually building a friendly relationship, and her eventually revealing strong feelings for me, I started to fall for her. In the end, I fell pretty hard. But it turned out that her behavior belied the way she represented herself, and the way she expected others to view her.

    Without going into too much detail, due to a disorder she has, her behavior was extremely destructive to herself and to anyone with whom she approached emotional intimacy. It also turned out that the way she lived her life was like several train wrecks happening all at once in the same place. The word “drama” does not even begin to describe her life. By the time I figured these things out, I already had very strong feelings for her, and a strong commitment to her. I was so blinded by my feelings and commitment that for me to walk away from her was an idea that I could never entertain for very long.

    Except for a few rare hours of extreme peacefulness, happiness, closeness, and emotional intimacy, being with her was tough to say the least.

    There was, of course, physical intimacy as well, but it was the emotional intimacy leading up to the physical intimacy that caused the problem for her. The happiness we shared in these intimacies does not imply that we were great lovers. We weren’t. The lack of sustained communication and emotional intimacy forestalled that possibility. But there were some very wonderful, peaceful, beautiful, intimate—none of these words quite capture how it felt—moments.

    Nonetheless, for the last half of the relationship, the negative side of being with her was like having my compassion, caring, love, trust, happiness, and practically everything else about me, put through a shredder.

    Although things ostensibly ended amicably between us, I found out that she has been lying about me to others, and tacitly fostering lies about me by deferring to others while they lied about me to others in front of her. Of course, all the lies those people told were based on lies she had told them—while splitting and projecting—to get attention from them, playing the victim to get sympathy, and to negate or justify her own behavior. As a result, all of her friends (the ones who know about me), all hate me. Some of these people are unwitting pawns of hers, but at least one, who thrives on the drama of others (particularly manipulating, encouraging, and fostering the drama in others’ lives for her own amusement) is wholly complicit in the lies. I don’t care what those people think about me, but their immature and snotty behaviors do become ridiculous and tiresome at times. (One would think that sexagenarians would have a higher degree of maturity than that. Junior high was over for them a long time ago. [She mainly prefers the company of people much older than her.])

    Anyway, in spite of my current and more objective understanding of our relationship (from its beginning to the foregone conclusion of its end, within the context of her disorder), I find that my mind still harbors compassion, caring, and love for the person I originally perceived her to be, even though I know that person is not who she is on the whole, or perhaps who she is even in part.

    I find that I want to send her a birthday card, a text, or an e-mail, or in some way let her know that I am thinking about her on her birthday, and that I hope all the good in the world for her. Hell, while I was lost in a moment of happy reminiscences of her, I even bought her a birthday gift of earrings in her favorite color and in a shape that she frequently wears.

    But I won’t send a card. I won’t send her a text or an e-mail. And I won’t send the earrings. Except for this post to the digital ether, I will let her birthday pass un-recognized. I am realistic about what our relationship was, and how it all played out. I know that the person for whom I still have these lingering feelings was a mutual concoction of illusions, and never truly existed.

    It’s interesting how the mind can hold, with equal emotional energies, two completely disparate understandings of the same events.

    Happy birthday, dear one: mine, yet never mine. I am thinking about you.

    #112392
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Call Me Ishmael,

    Something like this happened to me.

    Reality: He was a jerk, bitter and a loser.

    Fantasy held by me and a couple others: He was a kind, wise, with-it being kissed by the Divine.

    The Cognitive Dissonance was unreal.

    One day his mother died. Immediately after the funeral I had a dream of his Ideal Self. It was spiraling down into a whirlpool in the ocean. He was calling, “You are the only one left on the planet who knows me (his Ideal/Fantasy Self). If you stop seeing this I won’t exist!”

    Now there is a jerky, bitter, older man out there and no one is left who sees/”sees” this other side.

    What I’m saying is wait a couple decades. All the games and charades no one will put up with the older and less awesome she will appear.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    #112398
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Call Me Ishmael:

    Good exercise of not sending her an email or gift and instead sending this post to no one in particular.

    It is interesting how the mind can hold, with equal emotional energies, two completely disparate understandings of the same events, you wrote. I am assuming that the woman you shared about, at times, felt close to you and shared that closeness and what you saw in her eyes was real affection, real vulnerability and that endeared her to you. Same person, later, away from you and in the presence of others, has other thoughts not congruent with affection for you but with anger, suspicion, distrust.

    Every person is born vulnerable and loving and that part stays but injury adds layers of ongoing anger, distrust, the motivation to hurt, punish etc. and in between those layers there is a bit of that loving nature coming through.

    Thing is, when you become vulnerable to a woman, better make sure she doesn’t bite you in between the kisses. Now, that is not too much to ask, is it? Many people don’t understand that it is not to much to expect from a partner- to NOT be abusive, hurtful in between the good, loving moments. To be dependably loving doesn’t mean to always feel loving; it means to act lovingly regardless of the emotion of the moment.

    anita

    #112399
    Amanda
    Participant

    Your post could have been about me, because it resonates on many levels (except the one about my birthday coming up soon).

    I’m not telling you to get her a card or send the earrings, but know that sometimes, people genuinely don’t realize what they’re doing wrong in a relationship. Maybe it was the way she was raised, as it was with me, to never know what a healthy relationship is. Obviously lying about someone is not acceptable behavior, and we’re all responsible for our own, but falling in love can be an overwhelming thing for those who’ve never truly experienced it before. If we have trust issues to boot, it only makes us more confused.

    I think you did the right thing for yourself (and maybe her) in walking away. I’m not attempting to justify her behavior, but sometimes experiencing the loss of someone is the only thing that can jerk you into the reality of what you’re doing wrong. It happened to me. While I knew him, I was listening to all the wrong people, letting their projections in, and consequently was unable to do the same with him. I wasn’t able to rise above the opinions of the people around me and express what I truly wanted after the initial “glow”. My heart, head, and body weren’t in alignment and as a result, every relationship I had suffered, including the one I cared about most.

    He’s gone now, and while I don’t expect I’ll ever see him again, the loss made me realize the kind of person I wasn’t, and the kind I want to be. My life is on a completely different track, and although it’s still bittersweet, I’m more myself than ever before. But maybe it can be different with you two.

    Maybe you’ll find one another again, or for the first time, someday. Even if you decide not to see her again, it’s possible to love someone from a distance.

    #112405
    Amanda
    Participant

    What I’m trying to say above is that unless she’s told you specifically what her intentions are, you can’t be sure. I never had poor intentions when it came to the man I was into, but everything I did must have come out the wrong way. It doesn’t sound you have the highest hopes in regards to her intentions. If that’s the case, I would definitely recommend not reaching out. If, however, you think she had the best intentions, it may be in both your best interest to get some clarification. If nothing else, maybe you’ll get some much needed closure. It’s a luxury not all of us have the possibility of.

    #112500
    Butterfly
    Participant

    I could have written this myself. I hate to know that others have and are feeling the pain that I felt/feel. But selfishly I am happy as well to know that there is nothing wrong with me (per se) that I am not the only one. I dated a man off and on over the last 14 months who I FELT I loved and loved me but he took me the worst emotional roller coaster of my life through the entire thing. Burning hot and then Ice Cold….off and on… over and over. It’s been one week since I have heard from him. I am TRYING to move on with my life as I know this “relationship” is not healthy. I have been doing good with my not attempting to reach out and I have deleted him from my phone but I have this overwhelming need for closure. I am almost scared that I will never hear from him again and I will never be able to express to him how much he has hurt me. At this point I don’t even know that he cares if he did?! I am trusting in GOD that he will see me through this. Some days the pain is crippling because I thought this would be the man I would spend the rest of my life with. I don’t know what the future holds for he and I. If we will ever speak again and if I can ever even be his friend or if I should even want to. I am an good person with a huge heart. I never did anything to hurt him and I can’t wrap my brain around why he continually hurt me seemingly without any real remorse. I refuse to be a gluten for punishment and keep breaking my own heart. Please pray for me that I will stay strong and hold out for the love that I deserve. Thank and GOD bless you all who are hurting as well.

    #112525
    Call Me Ishmael
    Participant

    Hi, Inky.

    Thanks for your reply.

    I’m sorry that you went through that.

    Even now her “less awesome” side is emerging. I won’t go into detail, but it is very sad to see.

    I sincerely hope that in a couple of decades she will have had twenty years of excellent therapy, with a qualified and caring therapist, and that she will be well on her way to being the truly awesome person I believe she has the potential to be.

    By that time, though, our relationship will only be a distant memory and a tiny thread in the fabric of my life.

    Blessings to you, too.

    CMI

    #112526
    Call Me Ishmael
    Participant

    Dear Anita:

    Thank you for your reply.

    I would certainly like to think that the closeness she and I shared was indeed real, and that she had at least some genuine affection for me. But, of course, I can’t see the world through her eyes. Without a doubt it was all real on my part. When we discussed our relationship, closeness, challenges, etc., she was at times more inclined to talk about those things in terms of the superficial rather than the substantive. I don’t doubt that she felt vulnerable, though.

    After several months of getting to know each other, she began confiding her past experiences to me, and the subsequent mental issues with which she had been diagnosed because of those experiences. I chose to allow her a certain amount of latitude in her behavior in the belief that her struggles with her supposed issues deserved some leeway. (I say “supposed” because in my research into her behavior, I found that the behaviors she manifested where far less indicative of the things with which she told me that she had been diagnosed, and much, much more indicative of another disorder about which she never told me. I also learned that folks with that particular disorder frequently misrepresent their past, claiming most of the experiences she claimed, as a means of gaining sympathy from others and exploiting their compassion, and also to excuse their own poor behavior. I honestly don’t know what to believe.)

    I am not one to court abuse, but I see in hindsight that I should not have allowed her such leeway, in spite of her issues—which reminds me of the joke about the little boy who asked his mother why one dog was mounted on the rear of another dog. His mother told him that the dog on the other dog’s back had a hurt paw, and the dog in front was helping the hurt dog home. The little boy shook his head and said, “Isn’t that typical? You try to be kind to someone and they [insert coitus verb here] you.”)

    CMI

    #112527
    Call Me Ishmael
    Participant

    Hi, nyres817.

    Thank you for your reply.

    From what she told me, the skills and priorities of her parents were not conducive to lovingly, caringly, and effectively raising children. As I mentioned to Anita, though, I don’t really know what to believe about what she said. I think the fact that she manifests the behaviors she does suggests that she may have had at least some significant deficiencies in her upbringing. As you suggest, I think she probably has never experienced a healthy relationship to know how one functions, either.

    To clarify, she ended the relationship, albeit with my tacit (but full) agreement. Since abandonment was a primary element in her fear of intimacy, I did not want to be the one to leave. Nonetheless, she did me an immeasurable kindness by ending the relationship. I don’t think, however, that she felt any loss whatsoever about me being gone from her life. I know she had orbiters (people she was developing to become temporary interests), and I learned that she was seeing other people while seeing me.

    I will not reach out to her, and we’ve had what closure is necessary.

    I am happy to hear that you are more yourself than ever before. I hope all the best for you.

    CMI

    #112528
    Call Me Ishmael
    Participant

    Hi, Butterfly0307.

    I know the emotional pain and anxiety that go along with the push-pull cycle are terrible. I’m sorry that you are experiencing that.

    One of the things that helped me put things in perspective, and ultimately find a way to effectively deal with it, was research. The more I researched her behaviors, the more I understood what was going on and why. Once I narrowed her behaviors down to a few possibilities, I started researching what the best books were on the subjects, and then I bought the books and read them.

    I also found several resources on the web that were helpful.

    Most of the material I found in books and on the web, all discuss the things you mention: off and on (push-pull cycle), the lack of health in the relationship; ceasing all contact; the desire for closure and how the person with the disorder often doesn’t care at all about closure or understanding how he or she hurt the other person; the possibility (or significant lack of possibility) of being friends; and the desire to understand why someone can repeatedly hurt another apparently with no remorse.

    You may find it to your benefit to research borderline personality disorder (BPD), and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

    I hope all the best for you.

    CMI

    #112657
    Butterfly
    Participant

    CMI,

    Thank you so much for your reply. I have done ALOT of research. I actually think he has sociopathic tendencies and a bit of NPD as you mentioned. He is EXTREMELY charming and a giver (money but not time) and a provider. He was extremely sexual but not necessary in an intimate way (he refused to French kiss?) but would make eye contact during “relations”. I have done so much research I think I am done with that part. I KNOW it was him and not me (although he did try to blame a lot on me and make me think things were my fault (I was too clingy/needy etc). At this point I am trying to move on and make MYSELF better so that I would never allow anyone to treat me this way again. I just HATE the fact that I still care deeply for someone who hurt me so bad. I want to forget all about it but EVERYTHING reminds me of him. I still secretly wish he would change and we could be together and live happily ever after. I have BEGGED GOD to either remove him form my mind (LOL..I know) or completely change him and bring him back to me (I Know). It’s almost like I have Stockholm syndrome I LOVE and identify with my torturer. Can you give me any advice on my need for closure and if I should attempt it? A voicemail, a letter? I don’t feel I need a reply from him but I just need to tell him how all of this has made me feel. Again, I don’t even know if he would care but I just want him to know. Ugh….

    Butterfly

    #112661
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear CMI:

    The thing with personality disorders/ mental diagnoses is that some people think a personality disorder is like a virus a person catches or something a person was born with. But it is not so. These diagnoses are combinations of symptoms, combinations decided upon by medical doctors in meetings. The root causes are way fewer than the many resulting symptoms. I like to simplify and look at root causes.

    One thing I noticed in your ex girlfriend’s behavior according to your latest posts is her lack of empathy for you. Lack of empathy for a boyfriend is a serious deficit, no matter what diagnosis it fits. Lack of empathy means she doesn’t see or care about your pain.

    It doesn’t matter what diagnosis a person received, in what combination of behaviors the lack of empathy exists. When a person has no empathy for you, my goodness, where do you go from there?

    anita

    #112696
    Call Me Ishmael
    Participant

    You’re welcome, Butterfly0307.

    It sounds like you really have done some good research.

    The Stockholm syndrome was mentioned several times in the material I read. You might dig into that a bit more.

    Regarding closure, much of what I read suggested that you write down everything you want to say, and write out all the questions you want to ask, and rant as you would like, but then don’t send it. Never send it. Stick with no contact whatsoever.

    I also suggest that you might find it beneficial to make a list of what you hope to accomplish by actually engaging in communication with him regarding closure. Then ask yourself, based on your knowledge of his past behavior, if there really is any good chance that those things will be accomplished. Also consider how he might take the opportunity to derail your closure and put you back into the push-pull cycle. Weigh the chances for a positive closure, and if the risk of even greater negativity is not acceptable, then don’t do it.

    Also consider the role hope plays in sending him a letter. I speculate that the chances of you (or anyone) hoping for a reply would be significant. In such a case, hope itself would prolong your pain and delay you becoming happy again. I suggest that the sooner you let hope for the relationship to die, the sooner you will be able to decompress from your pain and anxiety.

    Beyond that, it is hard for me to give you advice on closure. My situation was different, and the way things ended provided all the closure necessary.

    Another motif in the material I read was the benefit of therapy (with a qualified and caring therapist) for those who are recovering from experiences with BPD, NPD, and sociopathic partners. If you aren’t already seeing a therapist to help you with this, you might consider how it may benefit you and speed your healing.

    If you create a new, stand-alone thread, I’m sure the other members would have some good input and advice for you. They may not see your question here.

    Stay strong. You can make it through this.

    CMI

    #112697
    Call Me Ishmael
    Participant

    Dear Anita:

    Thank you for your thoughts.

    I wholly agree with you about the root causes being fewer than the resulting symptoms. In fact, one of the things that terrified me was considering all of the known destructive ways the disorders I researched could manifest themselves in a person’s life. On top of that, many of those manifestations were issues in themselves that could manifest other destructive behaviors and consequences in the person’s life. From one or a few root causes, one could easily imagine how, without treatment etc. a whole life could be spent in self-destructive misery. A whole life of great potential could be wasted. In the most ideal sense, a whole lifetime of value to one’s self, one’s community, the world, and humanity could be lost.

    Add to that the ways in which those destructive behaviors could negatively affect other peoples’ lives, and duplicate/perpetuate the original root cause or causes in others, particularly children, one can see how describing it as “terrifying” is not as hyperbolic as one might initially think.

    Regarding her empathy:

    Her empathy waxed and waned depending where she was on the push-pull cycle, and how her visits with her therapist went. At times she seemed to have the ability to see things objectively, and to feel true empathy for me. But when she was on the push part of the cycle, there was very little empathy at best, and usually none at all. Before I had done the research, and better understood what she was dealing with, her periodic lack of empathy (which started out infrequent at first, but became more and more frequent the more emotionally intimate we came) was something on which I gave her leeway. I was still researching the things with which she told me she had been diagnosed, and I didn’t even clearly understand those things at the time. Therefore, to avoid exacerbating her challenges, I decided to err on the side of compassion, and attribute her lack of empathy to the fact that she was dealing with bigger things at the moment—something I now know that I shouldn’t have done. When I finally figured out what her behaviors were most indicative of (which was not related to the diagnoses she told me about), including her frequent lack of empathy, and that the disorder inclined her to abuse my compassion, etc., our days were already numbered.

    CMI

    #112699
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear CMI:

    You are a deep and thorough thinker. Empathy on a consistent basis, predictably available, dependable- what a concept. Not sometimes, not only during a “pull cycle”, not only after a therapy session.

    The world would have been a very different place if people experienced empathy for others on an ongoing basis.

    Next girlfriend, look for consistent, reliable empathy. Look for a woman who is on your side. Not sometimes. All the time. No matter how she feels: to be on your side, act for your benefit no matter how she feels. As you do the same.

    anita

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