Dear Anita:

Thank you for your reply.

I would certainly like to think that the closeness she and I shared was indeed real, and that she had at least some genuine affection for me. But, of course, I can’t see the world through her eyes. Without a doubt it was all real on my part. When we discussed our relationship, closeness, challenges, etc., she was at times more inclined to talk about those things in terms of the superficial rather than the substantive. I don’t doubt that she felt vulnerable, though.

After several months of getting to know each other, she began confiding her past experiences to me, and the subsequent mental issues with which she had been diagnosed because of those experiences. I chose to allow her a certain amount of latitude in her behavior in the belief that her struggles with her supposed issues deserved some leeway. (I say “supposed” because in my research into her behavior, I found that the behaviors she manifested where far less indicative of the things with which she told me that she had been diagnosed, and much, much more indicative of another disorder about which she never told me. I also learned that folks with that particular disorder frequently misrepresent their past, claiming most of the experiences she claimed, as a means of gaining sympathy from others and exploiting their compassion, and also to excuse their own poor behavior. I honestly don’t know what to believe.)

I am not one to court abuse, but I see in hindsight that I should not have allowed her such leeway, in spite of her issues—which reminds me of the joke about the little boy who asked his mother why one dog was mounted on the rear of another dog. His mother told him that the dog on the other dog’s back had a hurt paw, and the dog in front was helping the hurt dog home. The little boy shook his head and said, “Isn’t that typical? You try to be kind to someone and they [insert coitus verb here] you.”)

CMI

Hi, Butterfly0307.

I know the emotional pain and anxiety that go along with the push-pull cycle are terrible. I’m sorry that you are experiencing that.

One of the things that helped me put things in perspective, and ultimately find a way to effectively deal with it, was research. The more I researched her behaviors, the more I understood what was going on and why. Once I narrowed her behaviors down to a few possibilities, I started researching what the best books were on the subjects, and then I bought the books and read them.

I also found several resources on the web that were helpful.

Most of the material I found in books and on the web, all discuss the things you mention: off and on (push-pull cycle), the lack of health in the relationship; ceasing all contact; the desire for closure and how the person with the disorder often doesn’t care at all about closure or understanding how he or she hurt the other person; the possibility (or significant lack of possibility) of being friends; and the desire to understand why someone can repeatedly hurt another apparently with no remorse.

You may find it to your benefit to research borderline personality disorder (BPD), and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

I hope all the best for you.

CMI

Dear Anita:

Thank you for your thoughts.

I wholly agree with you about the root causes being fewer than the resulting symptoms. In fact, one of the things that terrified me was considering all of the known destructive ways the disorders I researched could manifest themselves in a person’s life. On top of that, many of those manifestations were issues in themselves that could manifest other destructive behaviors and consequences in the person’s life. From one or a few root causes, one could easily imagine how, without treatment etc. a whole life could be spent in self-destructive misery. A whole life of great potential could be wasted. In the most ideal sense, a whole lifetime of value to one’s self, one’s community, the world, and humanity could be lost.

Add to that the ways in which those destructive behaviors could negatively affect other peoples’ lives, and duplicate/perpetuate the original root cause or causes in others, particularly children, one can see how describing it as “terrifying” is not as hyperbolic as one might initially think.

Regarding her empathy:

Her empathy waxed and waned depending where she was on the push-pull cycle, and how her visits with her therapist went. At times she seemed to have the ability to see things objectively, and to feel true empathy for me. But when she was on the push part of the cycle, there was very little empathy at best, and usually none at all. Before I had done the research, and better understood what she was dealing with, her periodic lack of empathy (which started out infrequent at first, but became more and more frequent the more emotionally intimate we came) was something on which I gave her leeway. I was still researching the things with which she told me she had been diagnosed, and I didn’t even clearly understand those things at the time. Therefore, to avoid exacerbating her challenges, I decided to err on the side of compassion, and attribute her lack of empathy to the fact that she was dealing with bigger things at the moment—something I now know that I shouldn’t have done. When I finally figured out what her behaviors were most indicative of (which was not related to the diagnoses she told me about), including her frequent lack of empathy, and that the disorder inclined her to abuse my compassion, etc., our days were already numbered.

CMI

Dear Anita:

Thank you for your kind thoughts and words.

The world would indeed be a far different place—a better place—if there were more sustained empathy in it.

Although the movie A Beautiful Mind faux pas-ed in its portrayal of the Nash Equilibrium, as well as its portrayal of Adam Smith’s theory, I am inclined to agree with the idea that the best result comes from everyone in the group (families, friends, neighborhoods, cities, states, countries, and humanity on the whole)—and each group, as well—doing not only what is best for him/her/itself, but also what is good for the whole group/collection of groups/humanity.

I suggest that through the mutual application of empathy between two or more people, a group is mentally and socially formed, and from there the idea above applies from the micro to the macro. The keyword, however, is “mutual.” Empathy, as you rightly implied, shouldn’t only be one-sided.

That’s also not to say that empathy is the only thing needed for a world of happy human interaction, but it is a danged good start.

In point of fact, I was not looking for a girlfriend when I met her, nor am I now. I am well at ease with not being in a relationship. (In her case, I am particularly well at ease with not being in a parasitic relationship!) I would, however, be very happy to have someone in my life, with whom I am mutually compatible, who is like the person you describe.

My relationship with her was a learning experience, as are all relationships. Although I have realistically known this all along, through my experiences with her, the idealist part of me was a bit saddened to be made fully aware that, in the end, compassion is a risk to the person extending the compassion, and perhaps to the person being shown compassion—if the compassion unwittingly enables a negative behavior, for example. On the other hand, for everyone to withhold compassion from each other would constitute a risk to “the group” as well.

And then there would be far too many frowny faces in the world. 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁

Danged if we do; danged if we don’t.

CMI 🙂