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The person i had warmest feelings ever left me

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  • #427279
    Alina
    Participant

    Hello, I am 25 years old and the guy I loved the most left me.
    Firstly, we had so many things in common, i mean cultural we were both mixed race kids, our mothers were from the same nationality.
    I was so happy that I found someone who is same as me (as i thought for that time), we had gone through the same pain during our growing up period, we had same interests, we both wanted serious relationship and family

    I think he love-bombed me in the beggining, or I dont know. He sent me flowers, jewelry, he came to the country where i was working for that time, took me to the most expensive restaurants and hotels, bought me gifts. Everything was perfect, I was being myself, I could talk about anything and make fun about everything because he always get along and never judged me.
    Unfortunately our relationship was long distanced, although we lived very near (just 1 hour flight), we could see each other maximum 5 days in a month. But we were in contact every day and we knew everything about our days. He was so caring, he always asked me how am i, did i eat, do i have problems, I was working in that country all alone, without family and normal friends, my salary was so low, I came there because I thought that that rich country could give me opportunities, and as a young single woman I had so many complications Ā there because the country was very conservative and patriarchal. I tried to do all my best for my work. But in the 4th month my boss started to have financial problems and couldnt give me my salary on time (we couldnt get the money from our clients, I was calling them to give our money but no one wanted to give). I dont know it was just a period when the economic situation in the country went suddenly low. I tried to survive 20 days without salary, I couldnt pay my rent (my boyfriend helped me with this), I was starving, I got sick. That time I told my boyfriend that I dont want to stay in this country and I want to go back home. He started to accuse me for being lazy, for not being ambitious enough to start to look for another job in this country.
    The thing is that, he was born in rich country, his family had connections, even the job he is working now he got there thanks to his fathers call! He never went outside of his home country to work or to study. He only went outside just to travel. He is same age as me but he didnt even finish his university yet! Last 1,5 year he was just working and sitting at home and eating!
    About me: I finished my university 2 years ago in my motherā€™s country, after I worked 1 year in my fathers country, I know languages, I found MYSELF a job to work in rich country and I was selected to work with a very prestigious airline company, it was a temporarily contract but still I found it and got that job by myself. After my contract finished I was looking for others job in that country, while looking for a job I was harassed, i changed 2 jobs and one company didnt pay me anything at all, after it i found a better company but here i couldnt receive my salary on time. 1 year I didnt give up, but after all of what ive been through, I couldnt handle it all and I just wanted to go back home to my family. Because I also saw that there is no future in this country, its very small and is not developing.
    So I told him that i want to go and he started calling me lazy.
    Also I want to add that, he suddenly became SOO ā€œambitiousā€ when i came in his life. He lost 20 kgs in very short time, he started to go to gym and nearly everyday going out with his friends.
    I am happy that i helped him going out of depression, but he liked me so much in my highs, when i was working, he idealized me so so much. Yes, i was ambitious, i am clever, i had business ideas, i could make networks, i could go out from my comfort zone. But when things went wrong, when i felt burned out and wanted to go to my family to relax, I felt like he started to devalue me, by calling me ā€œlazyā€. I went back home, our distance became longer. Yes, I just wanted to eat and sleep at home. I didnt want to socialize (iā€™ve had enough), I wanted to relax after all that harrasment and starvation. We had plan that in winter holidays we will go to vacation. So yes, 2 months before our vacation i prefered to stay at home and after our vacation find a job in his country and invest my time and energy on my career and relationship. But he pressured me sooo much for staying at home, he blamed me for not doing anything, for just sleeping and eating. I couldnt make him understand that everybody they have ups and downs and its okay and that i needed that time just to sit at home and eat! I really needed it i was all alone before surviving in another country. But still he blamed me.
    During this time he started to have some problems at his work university and family, it came all at once. We went to our winter vacation, our 2 weeks planned and paid vacation shortened to 4.5 day because of his work, his manager called him and told him he needs to come back. So we both were upset. He was depressed again during our holiday and was cold to me. I felt a distance from him, and it broke my heart so much, i was waiting for him 2 months, we had only 4 days, i wanted to cuddle him, be with him, he told me he is depressed because of everything and thats why he is not in a mood to cuddle. Then, first day he went outside to see his relative, he left me for 3 hours, second day he told me that he wants to go gym, i became very angry and i told him ā€œif u go to there i will leave you because u dont value ur time with me and we have only 3 days!ā€
    I said it because i was angry i never wanted to leave him but i was in so much pain, i cant handle when my partner distances from me, after these feelings i realized that i have a anxious attachment style. But still when it comes to feelings, you cant control them for that time. He told me that i broke his trust and security after saying that, i apologized so much but he was so upset. Next day again i felt the distance and i closed the door very heavily. He told me that i direspected him! He blamed me for being so much hurt and missing him and wanting to be with him. Every action has reaction, i couldnt help to stay calm when my most loved one doesnt want to cuddle me. He told me that he wants to spend time with me but outside because we came to a very far country and he told he wanted to enjoy outside. Ok he was also right, and i understood his depression but i am also a human being and i also have feelings.
    After the vacation he wanted to come to my home country, but again his job didnt let. And after 1,5 week he broke up with me.. he told me that i hurted him so much when i said ā€œi will leave uā€, i apologized for it 2 weeks, every day. I told the reason but still he told me that he forgives me but he has another problems with his job and uni. He told me that there are so many things that he didnt care before and now he needs to take care of them and he cannot give me time and things that our relationship needs. I told him that i dont care about the time that i only want him, but still he insisted on breaking up.. Now 2 weeks passed, I am in so much pain. We promised each other that we will love each other no matter what. But i feel like he get cold to me because i was relaxing 2 months at home and told him that thing. He always pressured me for relaxing, i think he just projected his past laziness to me. About that thing i told during our vacation and apologized so many times even i gave him the psychological analysis of that lol. I apologized and made everything to make him stay. But still he left me. He told me that cant ā€œforce his heartā€, he has so many stress in his life and that he still has feelings for me but doesnt know if he loves me anymore.
    I never told him anything about his weight, status or his job or uni. I never accused him for anything. He could be in better place right now but i never blamed him for anything. Because i understand, not all people are same, we have ups and downs, we cant achieve things at the same time, some achieve it slowly, some faster, it depends on the situation and person.
    But i didnt like the way he blamed me for being at home just 2 months. My situation was different, i faced so many things alone and yes i needed to do these primitive things and i dont regret, i needed and i relaxed with my family.
    He was so stressed that i will depend on him, he told me this few times that i shouldnt depend on him. I wasnt planning depending on him and i never did. Like a normal person after going through harassment and starvation all alone in another country, i had a period when i felt so tired. You know it is so sad when u tried so hard for something and it didnt go right. As a young woman I wanted to have my own family, I wanted to have my other half with me, not a ā€œlong distance girlfriend boyfriend relationshipā€, I am really done with that i had so many before and right now i am in that age when i want to settle in life. I am really tired of being alone and i wanted to marry and have my other half with me. I told all of these before starting our relationship. He told me that he wants the same. So i was preparing my future with him.
    My faults were: that i gave too much signals to him about that, also there was a period when i lost myself and i couldnt control my anxious attachment style. No one is perfect in this life and all human beings make mistakes, i didnt cheat, i didnt betray, i did mistakes but i told him all about these, i realized my mistakes and told them and asked for forgiveness. I was ready to improve and work on our relationship i tolh him this. I never felt something that much warm like i felt from him, it was so beautiful, still i love him so much. I accepted him with all his flaws, i loved his everything. But when he saw my flaws he just left me. He loved me on my highest and left me on my lowest.
    I feel so hurt, i am overthinking this every day. Why would u leave someone who loves you so much, who is concious about her mistakes, who isnt shy to ask forgiveness, who accepts u with everything and is ready to wait for u? He told me that our realtionship harms our life accomplishments. But why not overcoming all these problems together on move in life together? We were so good together, before me he had a girlfriend and she cheated on him. I am wondering did he ever really loved me? Was that only idealization-devalue-decline process or what was that? As i know from myself, a person who really loves will not leave, will not blame you for your wrongs and will do everything to move together.
    I dont know if anyone will read this long text. I just needed to write everything down. But if u can comment on this, i will be happy. Thank you

    #427290
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    I am sorry about all the hardships you’ve been going through, and for so long!

    I was so happy that I found someone who is same as me (as I thought for that time), we had gone through the same pain during our growing up period, we had same interests, we both wanted serious relationship and family“- you’d think that a person who experienced pain growing up, wouldn’t want to inflict pain on another, but that’s not what happens: people in pain often pass on the pain to others.

    He sent me flowers, jewelry, he came to the country where i was working for that time, took me to the most expensive restaurants and hotels, bought me gifts. Everything was perfect, I was being myself, I could talk about anything and make fun about everything because he always get along and never judged me“- you were being yourself and you trusted that he was being himself, but he was being his best self version at the time, a best self version that was not sustainable.

    I couldn’t pay my rent (my boyfriend helped me with this), I was starving, I got sick. That time I told my boyfriend that I don’t want to stay in this country and I want to go back home. He started to accuse me for being lazy, for not being ambitious enough to start to look for another job in this country“-at this point and on, he started being more of himself, going beyond or deeper than his best version. His best version was based on and dependent on you working and living in the country where he wanted you to stay. (I wonder if he had hopes to move there with you after you settled there, if you settled there).

    He was born in rich country, his family had connections, even the job he is working now he got there thanks to his fathers call! He never went outside of his home country to work or to study. He only went outside just to travel… Last 1.5 year he was just working and sitting at home and eating!“- maybe he was depressed at home, and wanted to move away from his family and country, but didn’t feel confident in his abilities to move to a different country on his own. He needed connections there. The country you were in felt right for him.. and you were his connection there.. until he lost that connection when you moved back to your home country.

    So I told him that I want to go and he started calling me lazy“- I am thinking that he wanted his connection to stay in the country he considered moving to, and that he called you lazy not because he thought that you were lazy, but because he wanted to discourage you from moving away from his country of interest.

    Also I want to add that, he suddenly became SOO ‘ambitious’ when I came in his life. He lost 20 kgs in very short time, he started to go to gym and nearly everyday going out with his friends“- continuing with my theory (and I didn’t read yet the rest of your post, so it’ll be interesting to see if my theory is correct or not), maybe he got out of his depression when he thought that you will be helping him to move out of his family’s home and country to his country of interest, to live and work there.

    He idealized me so so much. Yes, I was ambitious, I am clever, I had business ideas, I could make networks..“- he idealized you as someone capable of helping him, as I indicated above.

    “... He broke up with me.. he told me that I hurt him so much when I said ‘i will leave u’… He told me that there are so many things that he didn’t care before and now he needs to take care of them“- I think that these were excuses and not true reasons for him wanting to break up with you. I think that in the past, he placed you on a pedestal, believing that you have the ability to.. save him from his depression and dysfunctions, and that was the reason for him losing weight and being his best (unsustainable) generous, kind and positively attentive version. Once you were off that pedestal, his interest in you was greatly weakened.

    He was so stressed that IĀ will depend on him, he told me this few times that I shouldn’t depend on him“- he wanted to depend on you. He felt too weak to depend on himself or to be depended on by you (or anyone, I imagine). For as long as you worked in that country, he placed you on a pedestal, seeing you as the strong person he needed outside of his family and his country.

    No one is perfect in this life and all human beings make mistakes, I didn’t cheat, I didn’t betray, I did mistakes but I told him all about these, I realized my mistakes and told them and asked for forgiveness. I was ready to improve and work on our relationship“- he broke up with you not because of your mistakes but because you fell off his pedestal as his potential savior.

    He loved me on my highest and left me on my lowest“-he loved you up there high on his pedestal, and only when you were up there.

    I feel so hurt, I am overthinking this every day. Why would u leave someone who loves you so much… why not overcoming all these problems together on move in life together?“- because he felt too weak to live independently, on his own, and he felt too weak/ inferior to be on equal grounds with you, working on things together as equals. He needed someone above him, someone to look up to as the strong, capable one… like a boy who needs to look up to a strong, capable parent.

    We were so good together“- you being yourself and him being his unsustainable, time- limited version were good together.

    “Was that only idealization-devalue-decline process or what was that?“- yes, I believe that you are correct, that’s what it was: he placed you on a pedestal because he needed you up there (idealization) and then you lost that elevated position in his mind (devaluation). It’s not your fault, it’s not about your mistakes. It’s about him not feeling capable and confident in his abilities to make independent, adult life possible for himself, that’s how I see it.

    anita

    #427295
    Alina
    Participant

    Dear Anita, thank you so much for your comments really needed themšŸ™šŸ¼

    Actually he didnt want to move to the country where i was working. But you got a right point, he wanted a connection there. Actually we were both in different gulf arabic countries and these countries were very near to each other. His country is very strict and he couldnt date freely in his country, so for him it was easy to fly to me whenever he wanted and going on dates, restaurants, hotels freely in my working country cuz although it was also gulf country but he wasnt a citizen there and no one knew him. So he Ā was feeling more relaxed to do what he wanted there. So yes, he wanted a connection there and maybe really he get disappointed because he wouldnt come to me easily whenever he wanted..

    ā€œItā€™s not your fault, itā€™s not about your mistakes. Itā€™s about him not feeling capable and confident in his abilities to make independent, adult life possible for himself,ā€ – Wow, he told me the same when he was breaking up with me, he told ā€œits not you, its me. I dont deserve you because i cant provide this relationship what it needsā€ But i didnt believe him i thought its only BS reason to leave me.. but after your comment I really understood it thank you so much

    I just never experienced this kind of love bombing and devaluation before.. And i never had a serious relationship like this where we could talk about marriage and kids and future.. he promised me so many things and i trusted him. He was acting like he is very rich, very responsible, very mature, serious guy. In the first month of relationship he was telling me ā€œi want to take care of you, i want to spoil you, i promise i will make ur life a paradiseā€ , and in the last month of relationship he told me ā€œdont depend on meā€ Ā (: šŸ˜‚

    You are right, he cannot even depend on himself and all these showing off was a lie. He wants to be someone but yet he couldnt have any status in life, so maybe really he couldnt handle me and my love.

    Because as i know, a really mature person will be with you in your ups and downs, when you are skinny or when u got fat, with job or without a job.. I was blaming myself for thinking maybe i wasnt good enough for him, but no, he wasnt and isnt perfect and i never even thought ever about his weight, muscles or his job or how much money he has. His love was so conditional to me.. I just still cant believe how a person can change suddenly after building emotional connection with me.. so sad really

    #427296
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    Youa are welcome! I will thoroughly read your 2nd post (and any that you may add) Sat morning (it’s Fri 2:40 pm here), and reply further then.

    anita

    #427313
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    He was born in rich country, his family had connections, even the job he is working now he got there thanks to his fathers call! He never went outside of his home country to work or to study. He only went outside just to travel. He is same age as me but he didn’t even finish his university yet! Last 1.5 year he was just working and sitting at home and eating!“- I think that when you met him he had low self-esteem, he was depressed, overeating, overweight and feeling ashamed of himself.

    We were both in different gulf Arabic countries and these countries were very near to each other. His country is very strict and he couldn’t date freely in his country, so for him it was easy to fly to me whenever he wanted and going on dates, restaurants, hotels freely in my working country cuz… no one knew him“- no one knew him in your working country, so there.. he felt that he could re-invent himself and be someone he’d be proud to be!

    He suddenly became SOO ‘ambitious’ when I came in his life. He lost 20 kgs in very short time, he started to go to gym and nearly everyday going out with his friends…. going out of depression… He was acting like he is very rich, very responsible, very mature, serious guy. In the first month of relationship he was telling me ‘I want to take care of you, I want to spoil you, I promise I will make ur life a paradise’“-Ā  he reinvented himself to be the hero in a romantic movie that he scripted and directed: the rich, leaner, in-shape, capable and confident romantic character, a prince.. like in movies he saw.

    When I was working, he idealized me so so much“- he was the hero, the prince in his movie, and you were the heroine, the princess.

    And then, you left your working country (the setting of the movie) and the movie ended.

    When you were back in your birth country, he blamed you for what he blamed himself, projecting his self-blame/ shame into you: “He blamed me for not doing anything, for just sleeping and eating“.

    He told me the same when he was breaking up with me, he told ‘its not you, its me. I don’t deserve you because I cant provide this relationship what it needs’ But i didn’t believe him I thought it’s only BS reason to leave me.. but after your comment I really understood it thank you so much“- you are welcome. At the point of the breakup, he was far removed from the character he played in that movie, so he told you how he felt.

    You are right, he cannot even depend on himself and all these showing off was a lie“- not more a lie than a movie being a lie. I think that the movie he played in was about his wishful thinking, his make-believe. He thought that he could make a short cut in life and magically be who he wished to be.. in a country where no one knew him, with a woman who wanted him by her side.

    I don’t think that he cold-heartedly manipulated and lied to you. I think that he was able to play a role and believe in his role. But it couldn’t last, even if you stayed in your working country. The role couldn’t have become him no matter where you lived and worked, and no matter how hard you tried to make him feel valuable and loved.

    I think that his shame took a strong hold in him when he was a child/ teenager. It is very difficult to heal from toxic shame, it takes a lot of work, real-life work, as in psychotherapy.

    He wants to be someone but yet he couldn’t have any status in life, so maybe really he couldn’t handle me and my love“-he didn’t feel that he deserved your love because he was back to feeling intensely ashamed of himself.

    I never even thought ever about his weight, muscles or his job or how much money he has. His love was so conditional to me.. I just still cant believe how a person can change suddenly after building emotional connection with me.. so sad really“- I don’t think that the change was from him loving you to not loving you. I think that the change was from him acting in a fancy, wishful-thinking, make-believe movie=>Ā  back to his real-life where shame does not allow him to love … anyone. And yes, it is really sad.

    What do you think/ feel about my input in this post?

    anita

    #427326
    Alina
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I agree with your inputs and I really appreciate them so much, it is very precious that you gave your time and energy for my post, it was so long i thought no one will read it. But i needed to write down my pain somewhere, I talked with my family and friends about it, their comments were similar but still i am so emotional and I am really so thankful to you for your input, God bless youšŸ™šŸ¼

    ā€œI think that when you met him he had low self-esteem, he was depressed, overeating, overweight and feeling ashamed of himself.ā€

    Yes, exactly like that. His ex gf cheated on him after their 1 year relationship and after that he become very depressed for 1,5 year before he met me. He told me that he liked me but he couldnt text me for a long time because he was so sure that a cute girl like is already taken, he told me that i was a kinda ā€œsuper starā€ to him haha. These were the times when he started idealizing me. I liked your comments about movie. He had some fantasy in his head that I am a princess and he did everything to become a prince. In reality I was a normal girl who has struggles in life and tries to enjoy life as much as possible and settle her life, like any other girl!

    ā€I donā€™t think that he cold-heartedly manipulated and lied to you. I think that he was able to play a role and believe in his role. But it couldnā€™t last, even if you stayed in your working country. The role couldnā€™t have become him no matter where you lived and worked, and no matter how hard you tried to make him feel valuable and loved.ā€

    I just cannot understand, why would an adult person play all these roles? I never played roles with him, 1 month before our relationship we were friends, even best friends, we told each other everything, about our families, what we went through, our past relationships. To be honest I didnt even think dating him because i didnt find him attractive to become my partner. But after when he flied to me and literally BEGGED me to become his girlfriend, I accepted because i thought that appearence is not everything, our friendship, respect and his effort meant so much for me. After this he started to play this role. I cant understand, how after we had a strong emotional connection, after we loved each other so much, after I accepted him and started valuing him, how come in my lowest he could break up with me? I thought that feeling of love is above everything, isnt it?

    Why would he destroy love? It is so hard to find love, someone who will love u regardless ur appearence or status

    I think that his shame took a strong hold in him when he was a child/ teenager. It is very difficult to heal from toxic shame, it takes a lot of work, real-life work, as in psychotherapy.ā€

    I also thought about toxic shame.. Last times he took so many things from my side as an insult. Even when I told him that i seriously think that he needs a psychotherapy he told me that i am insulting him again..

    I just accepted and love him with all his flaws, complexities and struggles. I know what kind of hardships he been through and i always respected him and was proud of him. All the care he gave for me, hotels, gifts, vacations, restaurants I appreciate them all. No one ever treated me this much good and our dreams about the future together was best feeling for me.
    He made me trust him and suddenly I am thrown again, i feel so bad.. And the thing is that I still love him and miss him, during our break up he told me that he is ā€œnot leaving meā€ and that he wants me in his life but not this way (romantic relationship). Also he told me that he has feelings but he just cant continue because he lost his trust to me plus stress at work and in uni and that he cant make me suffer by not giving me time and careā€¦

    I feel so bad that he is not appreciating my love. I am so hurt šŸ˜¢ I told him everything to make him stay I gave him all my love..

    #427329
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    You are very welcome and thank you for your appreciation and kind words!

    It is common in romantic relationships for person A to put person B on a pedestal, and then, when person A experiences more problems in life, person B falls off their pedestal, just as it happened here: “he started to have some problems at his work university and family, it came all at once“=> you fell off his pedestal.

    He told me that I was a kinda ‘super star’ to him haha. These were the times when he started idealizing me. In reality I was a normal girl who has struggles in life“-at that point, he didn’t love the normal girl Alina. He loved a girl on a pedestal, a super star. It wasn’t you on that pedestal, but his idea, or a version of you.

    I can’t understand, how after we had a strong emotional connection, after we loved each other so much, after I accepted him and started valuing him.. he could break up with me“- at first, the person on the pedestal was unachievable, inaccessible, he had to win you over. But once he won you over… his interest was gone, sadly. I think that he wasn’t able or willing, emotionally, to have a love relationship where both individuals are on ground level.

    “how come in my lowest he could break up with me?“-Ā  “in my lowest” meaning off the elevated pedestal. A relationship where one person is on a pedestal is not sustainable, it’s only time before the elevated person is off the pedestal for one reason or another.

    I thought that feeling of love is above everything, isn’t it?“- not above shame, or toxic shame. When a person is significantly or severely not okay with themselves, the person cannot love another person. Toxic shame inhibits/ suffocates love.

    Why would he destroy love?“- continuing the thought from above: toxic shame destroys love.

    I just accepted and love him with all his flaws, complexities and struggles“- but he was ashamed of his flaws, complexities and struggles, and your love- however authentic, deep and enduring- could not (and cannot) undo his shame.

    All the care he gave for me, hotels, gifts, vacations, restaurants I appreciate them all. No one ever treated me this much good and our dreams about the future together was best feeling for me… I still love him and miss him… I feel so bad that he is not appreciating my love. I am so hurt.. I told him everything to make him stay I gave him all my love..“- I am so sorry, Alina. I feel sad that a person as lovely and as kind as yourself is suffering.

    You have to grieve your hopes and dreams in regard to him, to go through a period of sadness about the loss of what you hoped for. And continue to learn from this experience what you need to learn, so that you are wiser for it. Plese continue to post, if it helps, for as long as it may help you.

    One day, you will be surprised that this doesn’t hurt anymore, and you will find true love elsewhere, where both individuals are on ground level.

    anita

    #427343
    Alina
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Your comments made think deeply and understand this situation better.

    Firstly again I want to thank you for letting me practice mindfullness in this forum. Writing down my thoughts and reading your comments helped me a lot.

    What I realised is, this is also a thing I discovered about myself, is when you mentioned ā€œtoxic shameā€. I knew some things about it I mean I had some ideas but after your mention I read about it more.

    As i said in the first post ā€œWe had same pain during our growing upā€. We had a same childhood trauma, I even was shocked how our parents are similar and the pain they gave us was the same. Like we grew up together in same family. I realized that this same trauma gave us same complexity: toxic shame. But I think I am more aware about myself than him because I had therapy before and I read more things about psychology, he had nothing to do in psychology, wasnt interested at all.

    So I understood how toxic shame effected our relationship from his side thanks to your comments. But I also discovered from my side: All this time after break up I was blaming myself for everything non-stop, In my mind I was aware about the situation and why it happened like that, but my feelings, my heart deeply inside there was a voice that told me that i deserve this pain, I deserve that someone I loved the most left me like I deserved that my parents were leaving me when I was a child and didnt take care of me properly. I knew that its not logical, but there was just a feeling deep inside me. But after reading about this topic, I understood that this feelings comes because the toxic shame snd I really understood that I need to practice more self-compassion and stop blaming myself for everything. Yes, i made some mistakes but the most important is that I admitted and apologized for them. I am concious about myself, I try to understand things and this is a very precious point from my character, I am proud of myself that I have ability to analyze my situation and asking for help from everywhere, for knocking the doors, instead of drowning in negative thoughts.
    Also, I understood from my point is that I liked when someone put me on pedestal. For that time (the idealization period) I didnt question that much about why did he idealize me, I was thinking that it was love, I wasnt aware that its unhealthy to idealize someone in the beggining of the relationship. I was feeling that there is something wrong but I couldnt analyze, I was just enjoying love-bombing, thinking that it was real love. So our childhood traumas gave us both this kinda ā€œnarcissticā€ characteristics, we both liked flying in our fantasy, being something ā€œupperā€, ā€œbiggerā€, Ā not living in the ground. But this is life and life is not easy, the reality hit me first with my job, and after the reality hit him also with his stresses in life. I could open my eyes and live in the ground accepting the reality and still loving him the most, but he couldnt handle all of this. His complexity was bigger than his love. I cant blame himself for that, he was growing up and working in toxic environment, he didnt have the chance or conciousness to work on himself psychologically, he is so used to toxic things that he doesnt know other things. With me it was different, I am more educated about mental health, i am more brave to change my job and place if i didnt like the environment . Wish he could work on this, wish i could help him with that, because as a person I can never say that he is bad. I feel sorry for him and for our relationship.
    Also, I understood that you really need to work on relationship if you want to build something. Its a long journey where you need to know your partner and accept him and his complexities. That every person has their own struggles and you just need to accept it and move together. I begged him for this, but still he didnt even want to work on us. His emotions, his anger were so intense because of his complexity that he was ready to refuse me and my love. And I couldnt help with that.
    So yes, I experienced so many emotions, learned things about relationships and discovered new things about myself, about my own complexities and character. I am young, Im still growing up and all this pain that I went through is normal, I am doing good and I appreciate myself for making lessons from my experience (cuz most of people they dont even try to understand)

    Yes, as you said I need to grieve now. I just need time for grieving and to stop trigger myself and torture myself. I just need to focus on myself and mental health, what I am doing now.

    Thank you so much Anita, it was pleasure talking to you, you really helped a lot. Is there a chance to know you more? I would like to hear your story too, about how you help people, because nowadays people dont even like to listen to you, but the way you gave your time and wrote down your comments are so precious. If you are okay with that, I would like to get to know you. But if you dont prefer, I will understand you

    God bless you AnitašŸ™šŸ¼šŸŒŗšŸŒŗ

    #427345
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    Thank you for your kind words and wishes, and for the smile you brought to my face! And yes, I would like to tell you more about myself. You are welcome to post a few questions for me, if you’d like, so that I know more specifically what you would like toĀ  know. I’ll get back to you in the morning. (It’s 12:40 pm here, U.S.)

    anita

    #427354
    Alina
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    Wow, glad that you can tell more about yourself šŸ™‚

    I would like to know more about you, like how old are you, what is your profession, where do you live? Also, what bring you to this forum, how did you decide to help people here? Do you have any writing works, if yes, where can I found them?

    #427356
    Alina
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Also I would like to know about your values in lifešŸŒŗšŸŒŗ

    #427389
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    “We had a same childhood trauma, I even was shocked how our parents are similar and the pain they gave us was the same. Like we grew up together in same family. I realized that this same trauma gave us same complexity: toxic shame. But I think I am more aware about myself than him because I had therapy before and I read more things about psychology, he had nothing to do in psychology, wasn’t interested at all. So, I understood how toxic shame affected our relationship from his side thanks to your comments. But I also discovered from my side: All this time after break up I was blaming myself for everything non-stop, In my mind I was aware about the situation and why it happened like that, but my feelings, my heart deeply inside there was a voice that told me that I deserve this pain, I deserve that someone I loved the most left me like I deserved that my parents were leaving me when I was a child and didn’t take care of me properly. I knew that it’s not logical, but there was just a feeling deep inside me. But after reading about this topic, I understood that this feelings comes because the toxic shame and I really understood that I need to practice more self-compassion and stop blaming myself for everything. Yes, I made some mistakes but the most important is that I admitted and apologized for them. I am conscious about myself, I try to understand things and this is a very precious point from my character, I am proud of myself that I have ability to analyze my situation and asking for help from everywhere, for knocking the doors, instead of drowning in negative thoughts”-

    – what you wrote here is so meaningful, so insightful and intelligent that I copied it all. Wow!

    “Also, I understood from my point is that I liked when someone put me on pedestal. For that time (the idealization period) I didn’t question that much about why did he idealize me, I was thinking that it was love, I wasn’t aware that its unhealthy to idealize someone in the beginning of the relationship. I was feeling that there is something wrong but I couldn’t analyze, I was just enjoying love-bombing, thinking that it was real love. So our childhood traumas gave us both this kinda ‘narcissisticā€ characteristics, we both liked flying in our fantasy, being something ‘upper’, ‘bigger’, Ā not living in the ground”-

    – I can’t say anything better than how you said it (So, I am just copying, hoping that people read it and learn from what you expressed so well).

    “With me it was different, I am more educated about mental health, I am more brave to change my job and place if I didn’t like the environment… I begged him for this, but still he didn’t even want to work on us. His emotions, his anger were so intense because of his complexity that he was ready to refuse me and my love. And I couldn’t help with that. So yes, I experienced so many emotions, learned things about relationships and discovered new things about myself, about my own complexities and character. I am young, I’m still growing up and all this pain that I went through is normal, I am doing good and I appreciate myself for making lessons from my experience (cuz most of people they don’t even try to understand)”-

    – You are amazing, Alina!

    Yes, as you said I need to grieve now. I just need time for grieving and to stop trigger myself and torture myself. I just need to focus on myself and mental health, what I am doing now.“- yes, please do this. You do not deserve to suffer from toxic shame. The relationship didn’t and couldn’t work out because, like you stated and expressed here so well, you are educated about and interested in psychology and mental health, and he s not. You are brave enough to look into yourself and see what you referred to as your complexities.. and he does not have this unique kind of bravery.

    “I would like to know more about you, like how old are you, what is your profession, where do you live? Also, what bring you to this forum, how did you decide to help people here? Do you have any writing works, if yes, where can I found them?… Also I would like to know about your values in life”-

    – Like you, I am interested in psychology and mental health and have been interested since I was a teenager. I had my first quality psychotherapy in 2011-13 in a big city in the U.S., , and then moved to a rural area in aĀ  different U.S. state. Here, I discovered tiny buddha forums in 2015, and its unique format has allowed me to continue to work on my mental health without attending professional therapy. It helps me to read other people’s stories, people from all over the world, and respond to them. I try to help others and myself at the same time. I have a bachelor degree but haven’t worked (for money) ever since I moved to this rural area.

    I suffered from attention deficit disorder since a very early age. I am inattentive to details, I can’t remember, for example, the colors of the walls in the room where I sleep every night in the last 10 years. I can’t follow a lecture if it is not delivered in a very organized way with breaks that allow me to take notes. Nor can I follow the plot of a detective movie for example. I’d have to pause the movie and take notes if I want to follow the plot. I often get lost in real-life conversations. And although I love writing, I can’t write a short story, not to mention a novel.

    And so, the only place I write is here, in these forums: it helps me to write when I respond to the original poster’s lines, line by line. It helps me to process the information here because I have all the time in the world to type, retype, read, re-read and edit. As far as my values: I value mental/ emotional health the most because I found out that the healthier I am, the better person I am to myself and to others. I value helping myself and others in the process of becoming better and better at no longer harming each other, but at helping each other.

    anita

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