Dear Seaturtle:

“For example him being late, I did feel like this was controlling in some way, that he to a degree was purposely being late to show some sort of power dynamic“- maybe, if he was on time for work appointments but not on time for dates with you. If he was late in both contexts, or late with you and with other people, it could be the… weed. (I have a neighbor who uses weed every single day multiple times per day, so I know a thing or two about the behaviors entailed)

“I would ask him all the time, ‘is this what you want?” and he was irritated by that question. I tried to ask him how things I did made him feel and he literally did not know how to answer those questions… I told him everything, all my thoughts. He did not tell me his”– maybe he didn’t know how to answer those questions and didn’t tell you his thoughts because of what the following quote from Harvard Publishing describes (I am adding the boldface feature to it):

“Recent research published in The American Journal of Psychiatry closely followed nearly 1,000 individuals in New Zealand from age 3 to age 45 to understand the impact of cannabis use on brain function. The research team discovered that individuals who used cannabis long-term (for several years or more) and heavily (at least weekly, though a majority in their study used more than four times a week) exhibited impairments across several domains of cognition. Long-term cannabis users’ IQs declined by 5.5 points on average from childhood, and there were deficits in learning and processing speed compared to people that did not use cannabis. The more frequently an individual used cannabis, the greater the resulting cognitive impairment… The impact of cannabis on cognitive impairment was greater than that of alcohol or tobacco use. Long-term cannabis users also had smaller hippocampi (the region of the brain responsible for learning and memory). Interestingly, individuals who used cannabis less than once a week with no history of developing dependence did not have cannabis-related cognitive deficits. This suggests there is a range of recreational use that may not lead to long-term cognitive issues” (Harvard Health Publishing)

“Using marijuana causes impaired thinking and interferes with a person’s ability to learn and perform complicated tasks. THC also disrupts functioning of the cerebellum and basal ganglia, brain areas that regulate balance, posture, coordination, and reaction time” (National Institute on Drug Abuse)

“He did not volunteer information about himself to me, I had to pry it out of him, in ‘deep’ conversations that ‘exhausted’ him“- because of how difficult it is to have deep conversations when cognitively impaired (due to frequent, long-term use of weed).

“I feel peoples pain, like if I witness someone being spoken to mean, I can feel it and won’t stand for it. I can’t even watch certain movies if someone is being treated badly I can feel it too intensely“- When I watch YouTube of real-life (not actors) people in pain, I feel pain/ empathy and it feels like a release for me, it is an opportunity for me (as I analyze it) to feel my own pain, to bring it up from where it’s buried, and give it acknowledgment and expression (crying).

“I also think my breakup with N gave me a sense of superiority… N was the hardest thing I have ever done, relationally, and if I can do it why can’t they. To me I feel like, stop complaining and leave if he is calling you bad names and treating you badly…so here I lack empathy and feel my decision making is superior“- Would you feel okay with someone who broke up with an N-like boyfriend six months or a year before you did, feeling superior to you?

“I agree with everything you said in this paragraph: ‘So, now, I am quite embarrassed for having vilified N- it was wrong of me to do so, and I don’t want to do this again, not here in your thread and not elsewhere. What I am now inclined to think (from the totality of what you shared, which I did not re-read) is that N has very low self-esteem, that he is highly addicted to weed which keeps him mellow and unreactive (the Teflon brain we discussed), that he is a people pleaser, perhaps codependent..’“- good to read that you agree with all of this!

“The day the narrative shifted for you majorly and you said you could no longer speak about N and I should leave that relationship, I read it with a grain of salt“- good to read that you take some of what I say with a grain of salt! (I mean it).

“I do not want to feel superior to others, but I do and I don’t know why… I believe that I am special and unique but I am also insecure that I am the only one that thinks that, which is probably true”-

– You are special and unique. I think that the need to feel superior to others is born out of feeling inferior to others, an.. overadjustment to feeling inferior.

“I do think I make better decisions than many others and have more awareness than, F for one“- I made the mistake of expressing superiority over F and N, in our conversations here, on your thread, joining your similar superior sentiment. What was that one emoji I sent (not) to you… “a chakra snob”, something like that. Feeling and expressing superiority over others is the other side of the same coin, feeling and expressing inferiority to others. Better avoid both.

“My analysis would be that (N) cared SO much about what his parents felt, and wanted them to get along so badly that he ignored all of his own needs and took care of them”- this would be consistent with him ignoring his own needs in the relationship with you.

“He grew up so far from his own feelings that he doesn’t even know what they are, and it has been so long since he thought about them that now they are all in a big scary box he is afraid to open… He would spend days in the mountain with his dad, climbing the mountain and then skiing down, freezing and dangerous. He loves being in survival mode”- I’d think that with his feelings removed from his awareness, locked in a scary box, he has trouble feeling alive, and engaging in extreme, dangerous activities makes him feel ALIVE.

“He loves being in survival mode, where his mind shuts up (he uses weed to have the same affect)“- when people don’t feel alive, there is a vacuum (of the feeling that’s not there) and rumination takes over the vacuum. When feeling-alive, rumination is gone.

This is leading me to think: it’s not reasonable to expect a person with his feelings locked in a box.. to SEE you.

“It was his desire to be in this survival mode that made him WANT that (shroom)intense situation to happen. That intense situation that he took me to, a place I did not feel safe. I bring that situation up so often because it was the first time real doubt and fear entered my mind about the relationship”- I see.

“N cares deeply about the people around him and wants everyone to get along, he brings people together with his amazing cooking and his generosity that attracts others…”- with his feelings in a scary box, he cares deeply about people?

“He doesn’t like losing people.. he was really impacted by one of his friends leaving without a word last year… He wanted to be close to people“- can you identify what of his feelings are in the scary box you mentioned?

“N puts others feelings over his own… His need to make others happy, and my desire to make him happy I think was uncomfortable for him… Grouped together he did not like that I didn’t always want to do what would make others happy… once we became closer, and I started to want him to be selfish with me, he no longer admired that trait I had. He wanted to continue to people please and I didn’t… I wouldn’t call him a people pleaser at all I would say he likes to keep the peace between people”-

– people pleasing and keeping peace between people is the same thing: “People pleasing is the act of making others happy to avoid conflict or negative feelings” (psychology today).

“Him saying he felt that way made me want to run to him, but I couldn’t so what could I do with those feelings? throw them away. Even now convincing myself he was just being dramatic.. but it hurts me because I know he was sad, but after all, maybe it was just because he hates to lose people, not necessarily because he wanted me“-

– the same theme post breakup as in pre-breakup (“what do you love about my personality? like me specifically apart from others… I don’t feel seen“, July 29, 2023). Seaturtle needs to be seen as a uniquely superior individual, apart from all others,  one in a category of one.

“I am thankful that we can communicate so honestly. I am seeking a therapist but often I feel therapists are afraid to set their patient off, so they avoid very confrontational conversations, but that is what I want and need. I don’t want someone to tell me I am always right… I want to get stronger and open this third eye as wide as I can! even when it is hard“- we didn’t talk about the cage for a while, where F placed hatch.. away, 1 in an cage of 1. Does hatch associate freedom with being 1 in a world of 1 (still 1, apart from others, but outside the cage, seen by all)?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

Further thoughts: we have to be careful about expecting and demanding from people what they (we) cannot deliver, such as asserting oneself and telling you what one wants (in my case, in N’s case). We have to be more accepting, more understanding, more forgiving.. the things so scarce in our world, whenever, wherever possible. Understanding of his weed addiction included. Not as his girlfriend, but as a fellow human.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“I texted him and it went through, meaning he unblocked me, I was surprised to see ‘delivered’“- He unblocked you for a reason, I am guessing (maybe not). Let’s see…

“I said: ‘Hi. how are you’ Him: ‘Phenomenal’“- likely an insincere message, sarcastic, conveying contempt for the one asking.

“Me: ‘couldn’t think of a more cryptic message?’“- not a cryptic (mysterious) answer, seems to me, but a contemptuous message (contemptuous= feeling that the person deserves scorn, being unworthy of consideration or respect).

“Him: ‘What do you want’ Me: ‘I want to know if you have any desire to talk’ Him: ‘words can’t describe how you’ve made me feel and I have no desire to waste any more energy with you.’“- definitely contemptuous, disrespectful, as in saying to you: you are not worthy of my time and energy!

This could be the reason he unblocked you: to show you contempt.

“Me: ‘I tried my best to communicate cause I wanted it to work so bad but I just felt like we were not going to understand each other and I had to leave the loop we would be in. I’m really sorry for any pain I caused you’. Him: ‘you have no clue what love is‘”-he is angry at you, wanting to hurt you. He believes that you caused him pain (he feels pain), and he wants to reciprocate and cause you pain in return.

“Me: ‘yea I realize that’ Him: (Thumbs up emoji)“- a Win (thumbs up) for him: you accepted his insult.

“Me: ‘But how would you know what it is better than me’“- Seaturtle doesn’t go belly up for long (an admiring face emoji), a Win for Seaturtle!

“Him: ‘please just leave me alone’‘”- he didn’t hold his Win for long.. and he gives up. He is no intellectual match to the witty Seaturlte!… Seems like I am enjoying the .. confrontation, now that I am reading the exchange for the first time… shifting to empathy for him (so that I don’t merely enjoy his defeat here): he feels pain, angry and he is not as cognitively and emotionally aware as you, 3rd eye and all).

“Me: ‘Ok, I’m sorry to bother you. I know I left stuff at your house… my snow gear is all I really want if that’s possible’ Him: ‘I don’t know where any of your stuff is but it’s not here.’ Me: ‘You have no idea where my snowboard is? I just hope you wouldn’t throw a passport away…’ Me: ‘Why’d you even unblock me if it wasn’t so I could get my things back’ The end. nothing more“- he went for the Win the only way that’s available for him: keeping your passport and expensive snow gear away from you.

“Him telling me I don’t know what love is, hurts… he was just sold completely on this relationship that I felt like needed so much work, and he just thought was all great. Another reason I felt unseen… Curious what you think of all this“- in addition to my thoughts above, I think that his idea of love is.. I’d call it The Weed-Assisted, Teflon- Mind idea of Love: it requires no work, no conversations, no meeting of the minds (closed 3rd eye and inactive crown chakra); it’s a choice (like he said), a choice made once, done deal.

I think that the ending of the relationship is the right thing for you and that you do know more about human love (from the perspective of the 3rd eye and crown chakra that’s available to humans) than he does. The two of you are not compatible. I am guessing that you will call the dept that issues passports an ask what to do, given your circumstances. Seems like you lost your snow gear..? Sorry. I will read and respond to your first post of yesterday next.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“I could see myself thinking they are stronger than I am, or maybe know themselves better“- A point toward Seaturtle’s humility, zero toward Seaturtle being a narcissist.. lol (funny.. or not?)

“Yea I can see how this would have developed in me, with my dad’s huge need to show his superiority over me and my siblings… My dads voice is still in my head, saying… that I am weaker than others“- so sometimes you counter his voice by saying the opposite, that you are superior to others.

“I have a random question. There was a time when N and I had a real pregnancy scare..  a few weeks before you and I began talking here, back in September 2023. For about a week we thought I was pregnant, his initial reaction was what I wanted to do, which I did appreciate, he was expecting me to choose to not go through with it… I have been getting trapped in these thoughts the past few days, would starting a family have made him the man I needed?  Someone who could see me? would it make him softer like I wanted him to be?“- this is a mistake many women make, thinking that having a child will lead to improvement in the relationship with their child’s father, a change in the man. I think that statistically, judging by separation and divorce numbers alone, it has proven to be a romantic, delusional idea. So, no, I feel quite certain that N would not have become the man you needed, he wouldn’t have seen you and he wouldn’t have become softer if you had a child (or children) with him. Instead, he would have become harder and blinder, being overwhelmed to be a father.

“When I see deeply, I mean he has empathy for people IF he understands them. His friend, D, had a troubled past… However it didn’t feel like he treated me the same way, When I tried to express certain ways my dad spoke to me that affected me still and lead to triggers, he just gave me like a blank stare… he looked at me like I was giving excuses…“- my mother had empathy, so it seemed, to hungry cats in the neighborhood, and to me when I was physically sick with the flu, let’s say, and when she thought I was hungry. But she had no empathy for me during hours-long sessions where she shamed and guilt tripped me, etc. That’s empathy that is very limited to certain circumstances, and to certain people/ animals. Overall, my mother was a very good person where cats were concerned, so I understand cats seeking her company. But I shouldn’t.

Similarly, N may be a very good friend to D, so it would make sense for D to continue to be friends with N. But you shouldn’t.

“If something hurt his feelings, he put it in a box. Then he would be all passive aggressive… and he would just say ‘no you didn’t do anything I am not passive aggressive I was just asking a question/ just kidding/ I didn’t say that?…’“- ongoing people pleasing involves emotional dishonesty. He puts his anger in a box and the box leaks.. passive aggressively.

“If someone gave him a sort of ultimatum, he would not do it out of his own stubborn-ness. Maybe he just swings between the two, when he has energy he is people pleaser and when he is annoyed or tired he switches to not caring at all… “- unlike characters in cartoons and in many works of fiction, in real-life, people are not as consistent as in being one way or the other way at all times. Instead, many people stretch themselves too far in one way (ex., passive, people pleasing), stress builds and becomes too much, so they overcompensate, going the other way (ex., aggressive) . And repeat.

“I feel like being seen as equal would have been enough for me, but he did not treat my feelings with the care I treated his. When he told me it made him smile when I made his bed, that made me continue to do it… Whereas when I told him it made me feel special when he said I looked pretty, he couldn’t bring himself to say it“- this is part of the learning, within a relationship, for the purpose of deciding if it’s a good idea to continue the relationship. You wrote in your original post that N is a standup guy, no question– well, he may be a standup friend to D and a standup law abiding, tax paying citizen, but not a standup guy in the relationship with you.

“His mom absorbs all the sympathy she can get, which I can see being a vacuum for emotions in a room, N feeling like there was no space to express his. This makes me feel like I could have made it work with N, helping him express his feelings, something I have no trouble doing“- a term synonymous to the years of childhood is Formative Years, meaning that a person is formed, physically, emotionally, mentally, during those years. By the time you met N, he was already formed with his reactions to his mother’s misbehaviors being part of who he is. You can’t go back in time and undo his old reactions. You’re too late.

Adults can heal, to one extent or another, if they are able, and if they are greatly motivated, and if (we) do what it takes, and persist.. proactively.

“This breakup is so difficult. I feel like I am being tossed around, one day I feel no regrets and proud of my decisions. The next day I wake up feeling guilty that I gave up too quickly and demanded too much of him…“- you demanded too much from him as a boyfriend/ lifetime partner, but you didn’t demand too much for yourself when it comes to a boyfriend/ lifetime partner. See the difference?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I want to look at the exchange you had with N again, this morning, and see what I didn’t see before (there is always more to see if one keeps that 3rd eye open). You stated (to me) the purpose of the exchange as this: “Realizing I will need my passport soon I started to feel more urgency to get my things from N“.

Seaturtle (S): “Hi. how are you”                N: “Phenomenal”       S: “Couldn’t think of a more cryptic message? (I was attempting to keep things light if he would let it but he didn’t“- if your purpose in texting him was indeed just this, to get your passport and snow gear back, it’d make sense that you were not interested in how he’s feeling beyond the  superficial (“keeping things light”), starting a conversational with the customary how are you?

N: “What do you want”         S: “I want to know if you have any desire to talk”- this could be understood as you wanting him to talk, inviting him to talk about his feelings regarding the relationship and breakup.

N: “words can’t describe how you’ve made me feel and I have no desire to waste any more energy with you”- and, he talked about his feelings in a sentence.

S: “I tried my best to communicate cause I wanted it to work so bad but I just felt like we were not going to understand each other and I had to leave the loop we would be in. I’m really sorry for any pain I caused you“- you didn’t talk with him about his feelings, about him.. but about you. You didn’t invite him to elaborate on his 1-sentence answer above. And “I’m really sorry for any pain I caused you” is a blanket apology, not specifying what pain you caused him, if any, and not inviting him to clarify the nature of his pain.

N: “you have no clue what love is”.                    S: “yea I realize that”         N: (Thumbs up emoji)- this is very significant: you acknowledged to him that you have no clue what love is. And he agreed.

S: “But how would you know what it is better than me”-  you say, paraphrased: I have no clue what love is, but neither do you.  (You are not saying: I do have a clue about what love is).

N: “please just leave me alone”. S: “Ok, I’m sorry to bother you. I know I left stuff at your house..”- finally, you stated the purpose of contacting him. N: “I don’t know where any of your stuff is but it’s not here.”

.. S: “Why’d you even unblock me if it wasn’t so I could get my things back”- angry that he wouldn’t return your belongings.

in a note to me, you wrote about the exchange: “I am feeling anxious about my passport and confused about the many things I had at his house stored in the garage and closet”- seems like your main concern was your belongings.

“Also him telling me I don’t know what love is, hurts because it makes me feel like he thinks he was doing everything he could”- it’s not the thought that you don’t know what love is that hurts you, but that he thinks he knows what love is…(?)

To look further into what love is, in your mind and heart.. and what it is in his, I went back to the beginning of your thread, reading only your posts. The sheer number and length as well as the massive amount of insight you shared about in 30 pages is just too much to read through. This morning, I was able to read and take notes on less than 2 pages of your 30-page thread,  your posts Oct 6-16, 2023 only, keeping my 3rd eye open:

First, it is clear to me that you are capable of feeling empathy for others, and you do. If you are a narcissist, you are an empathetic one. Thing is, a personality disorder (I was diagnosed with one: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, and I no longer fit the diagnosis), is a spectrum thing: not all BPD people are the same person, and not all NPD people are the same person. If you look at the DSM-5 criteria for each one of the personality disorders, it says that a person has to fit .. let’s say 5 of the 8 criteria listed, so to fit a diagnosis. And so, within a personality disorder, people are different. Plus,  everything human is on a spectrum. So, many people fitting the NPD diagnosis feel empathy for others.. only that they often don’t. Or their empathy is limited to certain circumstances and is absent in other circumstances to an alarming extent.

Also, no one is born with a personality disorder. Symptoms start in childhood, due to ongoing trauma, and symptoms are added by early adulthood. The diagnoses are categories of personality disorders set by the DSM staff for the purpose of designing therapies to fit each category. It is not true that there is no healing from a personality disorder, and I am proof. Lots of people heal to one extent or another, this is why therapies for personality disorders exit and keep being developed.

I am saying all this not because I think that you fit the NPD (I really don’t know), or any personality disorder, but just in case you do- just in case you get diagnosed as such by a professional sometimes in the future- I want you to be open to the possibility, for therapeutic purposes.

And now, to quotes: “I am not confident that if we met in a group setting with 3+ girls and 3+ guys that we would choose each other. By this I mean I am not sure he sees what makes me special as opposed to another girl who’s pretty, good awareness, and fun… I want him to tell me he loves things about me that make me ME… I want to be a part of the fashion world in some way, where I make clothes or simply can afford to wear my style downtown, I want to be around people or at least not far from a big city, I am also an actress and I want to go to auditions in the city and one day be apart of a big film or tv series” (Oct 6, 2023)-

-your desire to be positively/ admiringly seen as an individual apart from others in a romantic relationship and otherwise is intense.

Oct 10-16, 2023: “my mom would pick me up and do whatever I wanted to prevent sadness… the pattern ends up me calling the shots a lot, our date nights depend on my mood, the music, most of the movies we watch, it’s all my comfortable preferences, when does this become selfish? I have wondered before if I am a narcissist and a taker in life… one day he will come out and say ‘we only ever do what you want and I’m sick of it.'”-

– I never thought much about your mother’s part in forming you during your formative years (aka childhood), I was remiss. Seems like she formed in you the expectation that love= someone doing whatever you wanted. Fast forward, N tried to fulfil your expectations in some ways, but failed to do so in all the ways you required (see below).

“I worry my partner doesn’t think of me, when he doesn’t put the toilet seat down, my head tells me he doesn’t think about me at all… If my boyfriend is showering by the time I come over I think, ‘wait why couldn’t he plan his shower so he would be out when I got here, he must not care very much about our time together.‘ I know it’s ridiculous right? All these are ways my mind just was exhausted living with him and I needed to get away from… him being late is a pattern in our relationship and it would bother anyone, but I do feel it bothers me more than most”-

– Part of you suspects that these expectations are ridiculous, but this part is not sure (hence the question, right?). Objectively, yes, it is ridiculous to think that N not always putting the toilet seat down means that he doesn’t think about you at all. But subjectively, this is how it feels to you. If N does not do ALL that you want, when you want it, it means to you, subjectively, that he doesn’t think about you/ doesn’t love you at all. No doubt that this would prevent you from feeling loved in any relationship, with any and every man.

“we smoked and (this is not the first time), I suddenly felt as though he was a stranger. He was getting into my bed and I felt uncomfortable sleeping with him. this happened after I said some things thinking they were funny (here the comedy aspect kicks in) and he didn’t react at all…  The whole thing is so sad to me, because it is not just marijuana that makes me feel this estranged way towards him… and I try to shed light on it by just being real, and asking like why is it awkward right now? And his response is always that he had no idea that it was. It just makes me feel so alone… it makes me wonder if it is just in my head? … I get this feeling of unfamiliarity often… completely sober as well. This feeling of disconnect that feels like an awkward unfamiliarity and I am the only one who notices it”-

– this is how I understand this: as a child (not only as a teenager, but before), you felt so ALONE, a stranger in your home, living with strangers, disconnected, a very distressing and reoccurring feeling. Your mother took that feeling away from you when she coddled and overprotected you (words you used someplace in your thread to describe her behavior toward you). She took that feeling away when she did whatever you wanted. Fast forward, you re-experienced the same childhood ALONE/ estranged feeling with N, and you needed him to take this feeling away from you by doing the same as your mother did: everything you want.

“(F) took normal teenage behavior as me not caring for him. What a lonely place to be, where you cannot receive or See the love, I want to avoid turning into my father in this way“- but you have turned into your father in this way. You took normal behaviors, like a guy not putting the toilet seat down,  as evidence of him not caring for you.

“about soulmates, I think this feeling of them turning on a light in a dark room so that I can see myself, is part of what I associate to someone being a soulmate of mine. That is why I mentioned my mom possibly being a soulmate because she does see me, and she reminds me of who I am when I need it”-

– You are someone ALONE (a dark room) who needs to be seen as worthy of connection/ worthy of not being alone (turning on a light). Problem is that you associate the light with everything you want being done by the one who supposedly loves you.. because that’s the kind of love you experienced as a child.

“I find myself wanting to criticize my partner for similar things my dad criticized me for, like ‘not seeing me.’ A mentality like, if I have to be hyper aware of what I am doing, like responding to messages, cleaning up after myself hyper-vigilantly, making sure YOU are seen, then why shouldn’t you have to be too.. Like he will leave a mess at my apartment, something I would be way too self conscious to do at his house and I have to actively stop myself from resenting that he feels the freedom to do those things and I cannot live with it. As if I wish he had the same anxieties as me… but I also don’t wish this upon anyone, so maybe I just wish he could at least empathize my internal torment“-

– Your internal torment is the ALONE, disconnected emotional experience of childhood. An experience you tried to change as a teenager, when living with your father, by hyper vigilantly fulfilling his unrealistic expectations from you. You tried to connect with him in this way, it was the expression of your love for him.. to do all that he wanted.

“(N) said he felt like he was always consoling me for something he did wrong…Yes he constantly thinks he has done something wrong, but I can totally see how he felt that way with how I would communicate him pressing a trigger. I would ask him why he kept hurting me”-

– You didn’t bring out the best in N in that he felt that he was always doing something wrong in the relationship with you (not always getting your jokes/ laughing when you do/ putting the toilet seat down/ telling you that you are pretty/ being on time/ talking to his roommate when you were in bed, etc.). He was in a difficult situation with you, wanting to please you on one hand (this is his brand of love: people pleasing, seems to me), passive-aggressively rebelling, on the other, responding to .. your unrealistic expectations in ways that were not emotionally honest. His weed use helped him to Teflon.. you and everything else in his life that was distressing. In short, he brought his baggage into the relationship, you brought yours, and the two of you, overall, did not bring out the best in each other.

If only the two of you- separately- could redefine LOVE: what is love?, as the song says…?

anita