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Taking things slow

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  • March 28, 2019 at 9:54 pm #286853
    Connie
    Participant

    I have been single for almost two years. I just started feeling the urge to date/have a healthy relationship again.

    However, I tend to over analyze everything, and often feel that the connections die down before they get to develop into something more. Maybe it’s because I have been single for too long so I get attached to someone easily. Things are worse when it comes to texting. I don’t know since when I have become very obsessed about texting. It kinda bothers me if the frequency or even the length of the texts changes. So I started a habit that I would send a text and immediately delete the person’s chat and phone number right away so I won’t double text or constantly check my inbox.

    I have talked to many people and a lot of them say that a healthy relationship should be based on a genuine friendship. I really want to keep things light and fun, especially in the beginning when I just try to know this person.

    Why am I so desperate? I really don’t like myself like this 🙁

    March 29, 2019 at 7:14 am #286901
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Connie:

    We all get desperate sometimes, when we don’t have what we need for way too long, be it a hug or a kind word. Regarding your new habit of texting and then deleting it reads like a good idea to me, at least until you are in a relationship where you no longer worry about the man’s interest or lack of, a relationship where you are confident about the man’s interest in you being strong.

    Remember what you wrote last month: “I have never been really proactive when it comes to communication, either personally or professionally.. definitely something I can work on more in the future”-

    – the future is now!

    * I will be away from the computer for about 24 hours. I hope other members answer you before I am back.

    anita

    March 29, 2019 at 10:50 am #286925
    Prash
    Participant

    Dear Connie

    When you are trying to change something that doesn’t feel right, recognition is the first step and it happens through awareness.

    Something in you says things are not going the way it should. Do a reality check.

    Define what you really want. Ask yourself what is it that you want changed? What are the reasons you want things to change? What is stopping you from making those changes?

    If you change what are the advantages that you think you will have?

    Change doesn’t happen overnight. We are victims of various situations and circumstances, the reasons of which we can only be partially aware.

    The good thing though is that when we are aware, we can make small baby steps one at a time, moment by moment in the direction that we want.

    When we take a mis-step we need to be easy on ourselves and take it as a learning experience and an opportunity for growth, a reminder to proceed in the direction that we intend for ourselves.

    When you talk about inter personal relationships you are adding another person’s complexity to your own complexities. All the more reason to go easy on yourself.

    Be true to yourself. Identify the sources of your own happiness, be at peace with your perceived shortcomings. Work on yourself but don’t let the efforts impair your ability to live your life. Enjoy the journey.

    Take care.

    March 29, 2019 at 5:46 pm #286955
    Valora
    Participant

    My advice to you would be to Google “letting go” and read anything that pops up that sounds interesting to you.  The things you might want to delve into are letting go of the end result… for example, if you don’t care about the end result one way or the other and know that if it doesn’t work out, then it wasn’t meant for you, that helps take the anxiety away and you can care less about the frequency of texts, too, because if this guy isn’t right for you, there’s always the next one. Letting go of control is another one, even if you don’t feel like you have a controlling nature, we all like to have a bit of control over our own lives, and sometimes that need for control over one thing or another can cause us to act a bit desperate because we’re trying to gain control over the outcome… even when it’s one we can’t control, and then all of that trying tends to push the thing we want away instead of it drifting effortlessly towards us.   So that’s where I would start. It’s great that you’re feeling like getting out there and dating again but be careful not to rush yourself either.

    April 3, 2019 at 6:29 pm #287469
    Connie
    Participant

    Hello everyone

    Thank you very much for the feedback. I have been doing pretty well. And I noticed something, I feel I am just lonely so I kinda rely on texts to feel I have a company. It can be anyone or anything we text. It sounds kinda weird to me because I seem to build a connection based on text messages?

    Anyways, thanks again for the feedback.

    April 4, 2019 at 7:22 am #287537
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Connie:

    I don’t think it is weird, as in abnormal. In fact I see people texting a whole lot f the time, it is very common and I suppose the motivation is seeking connection. Maybe the weird thing to me is that I see two people together in person, both texting other individuals, not spending time with each other.

    anita

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