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Sudden feeling of not loving my gf

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  • #348574
    Sky
    Participant

    Hi so, recently I’ve just had a few days away from my girlfriend. I’ve been with her under 2 years. We are normally together every day and night at my house. She missed her mum and just wanted to go see her. I felt happy with her a couple of days ago. Now shes left to her mums house and I’ve been lost about being bored but I have no interest in anything and nothing is making me happy. I know we are perfect for each other and I dont want to break up because I wanna be with her but when i try do things i have the thought i dont love her and I cant even say I love anything with my life at the moment. It has just been such a sudden thought that’s making me feel so confused because I do want to love her. I still speak to her every day and that is what I want to do. However the obsessive thought wont leave and I dont know if its because i have no interest in anything and I’m scared and worried to talk to her about it incase she thinks i dont wanna be with her. I cant find joy in music or social media or videos. I’ve even tried to garden but my thoughts are too much I stopped.

    #348648
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sky:

    Reads to me that you are depressed at this time. When we are depressed, we don’t experience joy, so you don’t feel any joy when you think of your girlfriend, that is understandable.

    I wouldn’t tell her that you don’t feel love for her anymore. I’d tell her, if I was you, that “I have no interest in anything… can’t find joy in music or social media or videos”. Share with her what you feel about life (not specifically about her), maybe you will feel better if you do. But share responsibly with her: not going on and on and on, not blaming her for how you feel, not expecting her to fix how you feel, so that she doesn’t get overwhelmed.

    The time to share with her what you feel about her is when some joy returns to your life, not now  when you are joyless, or depressed.

    What  do you think?

    anita

    #348658
    Sky
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Anita thankyou so much for replying.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>I think I understand not feeling joy when I think about her but it’s just happened suddenly. I am just so scared and confused to why. I want to know if I should keep waiting till I see her again to see if this thought goes away. I will tell her about not finding joy in anything when I do. I also would like to ask if theres any steps I can do to help depression, i can’t afford online therapy although I’d like to speak to a therapist. This depression state has only started a couple of days ago and I’m worried each day I’ll keep feeling the same if I don’t change.</p>

    #348688
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sky:

    You are welcome. You are scared of your thoughts and your feelings, as if these things are dangerous, but there is no danger in you feeling anything,  and there is no danger in you not feeling anything.

    There is no danger in you thinking anything either. What goes on in your brain (thoughts and feelings) is your private business. You don’t owe anyone to think or feel any certain way; no need to confess to anyone because nobody has the right to know what goes on in between your ears!

    All that matters in your relationships with your girlfriend and with other people is your behavior: what you choose to say and do.

    Regarding your depression state, do not be alarmed, lots of people are depressed, you are not alone. What you can do is relax best you can (stop scaring yourself!), distract (a walk outside, some exercise, a hot or cold shower, your favorite music, etc.), try a guided meditation to relax, and post here anytime, expressing your thoughts and feelings. Not so to confess, and not because I have the right to know, but because it can help you feel less alone, and no longer overwhelmed.

    When you post, I will reply (when online, which is often, throughout the day).

    anita

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
    #348844
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Sky,

    I agree with anita that you might be depressed. However, it is probably temporary. Everyone is in what I call Pandemic Land. You can’t go anywhere. Not really. The vibe is off, even for those “Covidiots” who dare to go out and socialize. People usually live for the weekends. We’ve had the equivalent of four? five? months of weekends. Yes, even if you work from home. Yes, even if you’re a student. It’s tiring.

    You not feeling it for your girlfriend might be an unconscious ploy to get some excitement back in your life. Nothing is as dramatic as a good breakup!

    Again, you have been with her for a while now.

    Not to be trite, but I would order things online that are new to you. And get into walking or jogging. There’s plenty of 5K plans online. Good Luck!

    Best,

    Inky

    #349128
    anonymous03
    Participant

    Hi Sky,

    I absolutely agree with Anita: you might be depressed. Having gone through depression myself, I can tell you that you lose interest in things you enjoy and in life in general as well, and this applies to relationships too.

    I can completely understand how confusing and scary your thoughts can be. They can make you feel guilty for thinking those very thoughts as well, contributing to your confusion and disturbance. Anita is right; letting your feelings out can be a great source of comfort, making you feel lighter as you share.

    I am not replying to give you advice on depression, as you will get those a lot. I am replying to you as somebody who has been on the other end of the situation. A year ago, my ex felt the same. I say ex because… well… he broke up with me… saying that he did not feel for me anymore. His feelings changed just as fast as yours did, and he broke up with me after 8 years of a relationship, quite out of the blue.

    He did not share with me what he was feeling at all. He did share with me that he did not feel like doing anything at all and that he was disturbed, and then he told me he did not have feelings for me. And that was that. He refused to speak about it with me any further than that, no matter how much I tried, and broke up a few weeks later.

    As someone who has gone through depression, I did suspect he is depressed, and I even tried to help him, offering to take him to my own therapist. But it backfired; he crawled further into his shell and left me, ruining our relationship and hurting me terribly.

    From your post, I feel that you really do care about your girlfriend. As somebody who has probably been on the other end of this situation (I may be wrong about my situation), I would suggest you refrain from telling your girlfriend about your feelings for her yet. At the same time, do share other things with her. Tell her how you can’t find joy in anything. Communicate with her the best you can, for she will not be able understand anything otherwise and will not be able to support you.

    I know this is extremely hard for you; it is an emotionally scary place to be in. But I have to say that it might be traumatizing for her if you just suddenly tell her that you don’t feel for her anymore; it is a difficult thing to understand, you see; it is what I went through, and I couldn’t wrap my head around it, panicking. Like Anita advised, wait it out a bit, till your depression has lifted a little and you are in a better frame of mind, and you might get better clarity about your feelings; depression has a way of lying to you.

    As a mental health survivor, I would say that therapy is extremely helpful. Other things that Anita mentioned are also extremely helpful. Sharing here helps immensely, and there are wonderful people out here who reach out to you.

    I’m sorry if any of my words disturbed you in any manner. Please feel free to reach out.

    Till then…

    Anonymously yours…

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