Stuck in an unhealthy relationship

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This topic has 8 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 5 months ago by Anonymous.

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November 20, 2018 at 1:58 pm #239927

Mark
Participant

The title of your post describes your relationship. You are in an unhealthy relationship.

If you really want to move forward then don’t look outside yourself for permission to do something.

It is not what we would do or advise you to do but what do you want to do, what you NEED to do. Do you love yourself enough to make the changes that is healthy for you? If not then find a therapist to assist you.

You say you wish someone come over and tell you what to do. How about pretending to be that good friend and tell yourself to pack up and move out. Read what you posted as if it was written by someone else, what would you tell her to do?

I don’t disagree that it is hard to make changes. Once you make your decision to change then look for support to assist you in that. But my take is that you first need to decide for yourself before you seek help.

Good luck,
Mark

November 20, 2018 at 7:10 pm #239967

klarissa
Participant

It sounds like a verbally abusive relationship…yes, like you said very unhealthy. Strive for something better, leave him and find yourself.

November 20, 2018 at 9:47 pm #239979
gia
Participant
Hi Peria,

As I read your post, I was imagining crossing the path of a stranger who lives a life like yours, who holds those emotions and thoughts and experiences with her. Would she “act normal” — happy, well-adjusted — putting on a brave face or over-compensating (my tendency)? Or would she act out in a major way in her way of relating to other people outside of her unhealthy relationship?

I second almost everything Mark said. Your wise mind is telling you that it is an unhealthy relationship, and your some other mind (we all have that but it may be less potent in some people than in you at the moment because of temperament, practice, bad experiences, good luck, etc…could be anything) is saying, “yes, but then…”

What I would add is the observation that his behaviour seems quite reflective of “gaslighting”.

Love to your way,

Gia
- This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by gia.
November 21, 2018 at 2:32 am #239995

Kkasxo
Participant

Hi Perla,

Welcome to the forum!

I just wanted to say that it is a big step for you to acknowledge the fact that there are issues within your relationship. This is a start. Your husband sounds like he was a great man to start with but somewhat lost himself along the way and this emotional abuse has just become his way of being. This isn’t healthy and needs to change.

I know it is easier said than done to say ‘Leave! Do better for yourself! You know you deserve better! You’ll be fine!’ so I will not tell you those things. After all, you have spent many years with your husband and must love him dearly to have lasted this long. You say yourself, when he is not acting up you two actually have a good relationship!

I think there are a few things you need to ask yourself before making any decisions. Do you love this man enough to be willing to work through this IF he is willing to do that? Now I say this because no matter how much you may want to work through your problems, he may be unable to do so at this point in time or ever. That then is your queue to leave as the relationship will just continue the way it is. But it is important that you ask yourself if too much has happened now and you just want out or if you are still willing to work through things. You mentioned that you just want to get out and be away from him now. Is that because of the person he has become or are you just generally done with this relationship now? Ask yourself how your feelings towards him and your relationship would change if he no longer acted this way? Would your relationship be a happy one and continue to strive?

We as human beings are often driven by emotion. The saying goes ‘don’t make permanent decisions on temporary emotions’ and I guess this is what I am trying to do here.

If I were in your shoes, I would take some time out perhaps a weekend with a friend or family where I can have some time to myself outside of the situation and really think about everything. Do I want this relationship to work? What do I want? How do I want my life to look right now? Once I have been honest with myself this way I can then make a decision on my future. If you choose to continue your relationship with your husband then he must be available and willing to work through the problems. Starting with an honest, emotional, raw conversation about everything that he does that may hurt you and vice versa. You must be able to listen to hear one another, not just wait to respond. On the other hand, break ups are always difficult but if you do choose to walk away and build a new life for yourself at least in your lower moments you can always remind yourself that this was a thought through decision and you know deep down it is truly what you want!

Sending lots of hugs your way! I hope it all works out just the way you want it to!

November 21, 2018 at 7:33 am #240013

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Perla:

“I walk away from our arguments feeling so confused, and I feel like he tries to say things that don’t make sense just to deflect blame onto me”

These are my suggestions:

1. Don’t try to make sense of what he tells you beyond this one making-sense point: his motivation is to have power over you, to keep you in an inferior to him, submissive position. He will therefore say and do whatever it takes to accomplish this goal.

2. Don’t hope that he will change if you become a… good enough wife. It was never about you being good, it is about you being inferior to him, submissive. That is what good is for him. Don’t hope for love from him either. At best you will receive the appearance of love when he wants sex and when he wants to take a break and have a fun, relaxed time.

3. You need someone, a third party, to help you move out as soon as possible. You need that social support because you are afraid to leave him by yourself. I suggest you connect with a support group for abused women, get together in person with a group of such women and take their assistance to do just that, move out. There are shelters in places for abused women, shelters that are very nice homes. I spent some time in one a long time ago.

What do you think/ feel?

anita

November 21, 2018 at 7:39 am #240019

Inky
Participant

Hi Perla,

A man doesn’t have to leave bruises for you to be in an abusive relationship.

Ordinarily I would tell someone in your situation how to verbally stand up for yourself (i.e. after making you the butt of jokes for you to make a public scene three times worse than the original infraction. He would get the idea that it’s simply NOT WORTH IT to disrespect you. Ever!). The problem is you didn’t nip this in the bud. AND NOW IT IS A BAD HABIT HE CAN’T GET OUT OF.

Also, the scene at the campground scares me for you.

If I were you: Gather up all necessary documents. Clean out your joint checking account AND/OR open up a new account IN YOUR NAME. Do this SECRETELY. Drop the cat off at your mom’s. Forget your clothes and stuff. Go to a Women’s Shelter. You need one.

Good Luck,

Inky

November 21, 2018 at 4:21 pm #240129
Perla
Participant
I used to stick up for myself in the first few years of the relationship. I would always tell him when his joking or sarcasm went too far. But maybe it just wasn’t enough? I thought I was getting through to him, but as the years went on things got worse and then the name calling began. He also began to get angry at very random things I would say or do in everyday situations, and I just don’t understand why? Like he was attacking my personality. I struggle with feeling like a lot of this is my fault and like I’ve enabled him, and if I would have been able to handle things correctly or had done things differently then they wouldn’t be so bad. I feel bad for making him angry and upset, I’m not a confrontational person, arguments are always very difficult for me. I think I may also be co-dependent and I know that I need to continue going to therapy to work on that. I do feel like a lot of the time his need to have control over things has taken over, he’s always been a bit of a control freak but as he gets older it gets worse. I do feel like no matter what I do, it’s never good enough for him. I don’t know if he will ever change his ways, when I try and talk to him about it, he just doesn’t seem to get it, he doesn’t seem to be able to put himself in my shoes and see how I feel. I’m a very giving person and I like to make others happy, but I honestly feel like he’s taken advantage of it.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Perla.
November 22, 2018 at 8:07 am #240319

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Perla:

Your husband is clearly abusive to you, not motivated to help you, to help the relationship, not invested in your well-being. You taking the responsibility for his abusive behavior is typical (according to the abundant literature on abusive relationships, and you may read such) to an abused woman, wondering what it is that you are doing wrong when it is him who is doing wrong.

anita
Author

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